Category Archives: Humor

by | June 22, 2012 · 12:23 pm

I Can’t Study Like This!

Evidently, I am a wimp.

Too Hot!

I will admit it. I can’t take the heat, so I am going to have to get out of the kitchen – literally.

The computer on which I normally write is in our kitchen. But as of yesterday, our air conditioning unit stopped working, and I can’t stand the heat.

It does make me feel a little embarrassed, I must say. Before the days of air conditioning our forefathers spent tireless hours in front of their computers, never complaining. They sat in log cabins, rode on horseback, and even fought off Indians as they blogged and worked on seminary projects online. What is my problem?

That does it. I am packing my essentials, such as a laptop, my iPhone4, and my double-walled, hand-blown glass tea cup and I am going to my office/study. At least there I can work with a window unit blowing on my head.

By the way, it’s so hot in our house, the Crisco melted. It’s time to go.

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by | June 15, 2012 · 5:19 pm

Relative Recompense

Starving Blogger

Today I went out to lunch. The person I was to meet was a man I had only spoken with on the phone and by email (sorta scary, huh?). He had no idea what I looked like, nor I he (that just sounds weird – is that grammatically correct? – “I he”?).

That’s when I had a brilliant idea – make a sign.  I needed one like people use when they stand on the side of the road asking for money (rarely work). So, I got a piece of cardboard, a marker, and made myself look like a beggar. Of course, that’s not too hard to do.

He knew who I was!

Food, Money, Whatever

Blogging is not a something one does to earn a living, at least not normally. I do it in order to give me an excuse to write. I do it because some people would rather read this than trip over dirty laundry while searching for a dust-covered journal. I do it because I love it.

There’s also another reason for blogging – the Message. My hope is that people all over the world will learn a little bit more about what it means to be a real Christian, not one of the fake, stereotypical hypocrites so many use as an excuse to run from Christ.

If I could get paid for doing this I would jump up and down like a circus clown on Meth. On the other hand, if writing would just put food on the table I would be as thrilled as a chocoholic getting a job transfer to Hershey, PA.

But if writing never pays the bills, cures my ills, or feeds me krill (it rhymed, what can I say), I will keep doing it. Every once in a while someone, somewhere, gets a blessing.

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by | June 8, 2012 · 9:36 am

A Poem for Friday

A few minutes ago, a couple of hours since the sun peeked over the mountains and began its job of drying up the dew, I stopped by A Sojourner’s Voice. There, Robin Lawrimore posted a poem about the morning. That got me to thinking. Maybe I should write one, too.

“It’s Friday”

Eight a.m. waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go down stairs
Hot cup of tea, butter on raisin toast
Plagiarize a song by a girl with Black hair.
 
Got a mid-term that’s due tonight
Seminary’s really try’n to kick my buns.
Still gotta finish a honey-do list
Being out of work is fun, fun, fun!
 
Friday! It’s Friday! Out of work this Friday!
Studying and reading. Gettin’ ready for this Sunday.
Friday, Friday, gettin’ down on Friday.
Need to exercise and take my morning multi-vitamin for men.
 
Wife stayed up for two days straight
Now’s she’s in bed and can’t stay awake
Gotta figure out what’s wrong with her
Don’t know if much more she can take.
 
Daughter wants to ride her bicycle
Wants me to ride mine with her, too
Maybe I should finish this poem right now.
Daddy, pastor, student’s got a lot to do!
 
Friday! It’s Friday! Mail will come this Friday!
Maybe a check’s in the mail that’ll let me tithe a lot this Sunday.
Friday, Friday, gettin’ down on Friday.
Need to pray a lot and take my morning multi-vitamin for men.

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by | June 5, 2012 · 2:36 am

Side Effects

Ask Your Doctor

Surely you have seen the commercials on television. They advertise different medications meant to do everything from grow hair to end hot flashes. And at the end of every commercial you hear, “Ask your doctor if ******** is right for you!”

Right for me? Ask my doctor? OK, maybe I will.

“Dr. Close (my general physician), can I ask you something? I saw an add for female hormone replacement medication. Is it right for me?”

A New Disease

I can’t tell you how many times I have watched a commercial and said to myself, “Where did that disease come from? Is it common? Could I be suffering from it? Will I get to wear a colored ribbon?”

Have you ever heard of Trihemamasticular Disease? I googled it – nothing came up. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t an advertisement in the works. At this very moment, there is probably a pill being made which promises to alleviate the symptoms of Trihemamasticular Disease. And if there is, rest assured it will be the best thing for you.

Just be aware of the side effects…

  • Common side effects may include the following: nausea, indigestion, coughing, dry mouth, ringing in the ears, and a runny nose.
  • Don’t be alarmed if you experience: watery eyes, hair loss, brittle teeth, a craving for oysters, bleeding gums, or stinky feet. These symptoms are usually temporary.
  • Stop using this medication if you begin to experience: a reddening of your ear lobes, tooth loss, finger loss, memory loss, or financial loss.
  • Avoid the following while taking this medication: leather, crayons, animal fat, peanut butter, aspirin, attitudes, children, loud noises, butterfly feces, clowns, and purified water.
  • Get medical attention immediately if you begin to experience: hives, swelling of the left knee, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of starting over, unknown tongues, a desire to star in a reality show, rapid breathing, breathing through a straw while submerged in a river, thoughts of voting Democrat, or a craving for pickles.

Warning Label

As crazy as it may sound, there should also be a warning label inside every Bible. They should make television commercials explaining the possible side effects of following Christ.

Side effects may include:

  • Being hated, ridiculed, made fun of, mocked, and parodied.
  • Being ostracized, avoided, shunned, passed over for promotions, and fired from a job.
  • Being accused of radicalism, racism, fanaticism, and narrow-mindedness.
  • A cross to bear.

“Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.” – Matthew 5:11

“Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake.” – Matthew 24:9

“And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” – Luke 9:23

“And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.” – Luke 14:27

Is it right for you?

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by | May 25, 2012 · 10:02 pm

Just to be Doing It

Sometimes one must write something just to be doing it. That is what I am doing right now.

It has been a few days since I posted on The Recovering Legalist, but it is not because I have not been working. As a matter of fact, I struggled three days straight with posts for my other blog, Proverbial Thought. On top of that, I have been doing a lot of reading and writing in my seminary classes (yes, I am going to school in the summer). So, I have been busy.

But this blog is my baby. It feels like I have abandoned my offspring when I don’t post an article at least once a week. Is that obsessive? Maybe. On the other hand, I have children, and this baby never has a dirty diaper. No wonder I’m so attached.

And it’s MY baby! Unlike our walking, whining, room-messing progeny, this baby is the product of my labor. My wife had nothing to do with it. As a matter of fact, I had to simultaneously take pictures and video during the birth of our girls. What does my wife do with this blog? NOTHING. And it looks nothing like her, either.

There are things I want to write about. For instance, I have been wanting to address the “Mitt Romney at Liberty University” thing (I was against it for religious reasons). I want to share some thoughts about the up-coming election (and make my liberal friends angry).

However, there are some things, now that I think about it, that I will probably NEVER write about. Here are some examples:

  1. Calvinism vs. Arminianism (or Agrarianism, as spell-check wants me to say). I am staunchly neither. Don’t try to convert me. You’re both wrong, and you’re both right, so there.
  2. The science behind why cats, no matter where you are in the world, will come to you if you say, “Kitty kitty!” Yet, badgers won’t come to you, no matter what you say.
  3. Computers.
  4. Dating. Except when I am addressing the unlikely possibility of my daughters going out with guys who don’t own a belt.
  5. Justin Bieber.
  6. Bowel Movements (why are seniors so obsessed with this topic?)
  7. Dr. Oz.
  8. Sopapilla recipes.
  9. Dog grooming.
  10. Why good food tastes bad and bad food tastes good, yet “big is beautiful,” but I feel fat.

But I’m always glad to talk about Jesus. How ’bout you?

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by | May 14, 2012 · 12:47 am

Monday Monkey “Monkey Plays Piano” Episode 23

Monkeying with Tunes

Whether driving down the road, or sitting around the house, Mr. Monkey is always ready to break out into song.

And Mr. Monkey can play the piano! Who knew? When my daughter, Katie, sat down to the Yamaha grand at my mother’s house, he had to play along (Hear that, Yamaha people? My bass and acoustic are Yamaha, also. Do you sponsor monkeys?).

Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. – Psalm 98:4 KJV

 “Monkey Plays Piano”

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by | May 13, 2012 · 5:00 am

Happy Mother’s Day ;-)

It’s Here

If you are one of the unlucky, unfortunate, or predestined to be elected to forget Mother’s Day, I’m sorry. Either by choice or design, you should have marked your calendar and set an alarm.

However, if you forgot, there may be hope (if you are a subscriber to this blog and read your email). Because this is being posted so early in the morning, you should have time to do some stuff before you see your mother (or your children’s mother), either at church, dinner, the nursing home, Wal-Mart, or place of incarceration.

A few last-minute suggestions…

  1. Get up right now, put down your smart phone, or stand up from your computer, and make her (your mother/wife) breakfast. You may even have time to brush your teeth before you say, “Good morning!” Or….
  2. Quickly sneak out of the house and drive to your nearest 24-hour gas station (that’s petrol, for you Brits). There you should locate a fine selection of plastic-wrapped silk roses (to keep them fresh), Doritos, lottery tickets, “genuine” lead crystal figurines, and NASCAR air fresheners. Or….
  3. Draw a hand-made card in an attempt to appear sweet and child-like to cover the fact you forgot to buy one. Then, when you give it to her, create a story about how you “can’t wait till she gets her surprise.” That will give you time to figure out where you are going to take her to eat, and how much you want to spend. OR….
  4. Learn the following song that I wrote just for mothers. She will love it. “Mother’s Day” 

But Seriously

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised (Prov. 31:30 ESV). May all mothers strive to fit that description.

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by | May 10, 2012 · 8:20 am

Application to Date My Daughter

As a father, I totally loved this post from Jessie Jeanine. If only more parents would take dating this seriously.

Men, our daughters are gifts from God. We should be their mentors and protectors, their examples of what men should be. The last things we should be are accomplices to disrespect, abuse, pre-marital sex, heartache, regret, and the furtherance of teenage stupidity.

Print off the application in this post and USE IT! Your daughter will thank you, later…..maybe much later, but later.

Jessie Jeanine's avatarJessie Jeanine

APPLICATION
FOR
PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, JOB HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH______________________________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT__________________
IQ__________ GPA__________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY #__________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #__________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_________________
HOME ADDRESS_____________________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP___________________
Do you have parents? ___Yes __No
Number of years they have been married_____________
If less than your age, explain_____________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A motorcycle? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. Is your body a willing canvas for tattoo artists? __Yes __No
F. Do you have more piercings than my little girl? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY…

View original post 1,216 more words

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by | April 23, 2012 · 12:00 am

Monday Monkey “The Mirror” (Episode 20)

Can you believe this is the 20th episode of Monday Monkey?!

Woo Hoo! Let’s go swing from a tree! Or a light fixture. Anyone have cake? A card with money?

Anyway, I have been under a lot of deadlines, so I apologize for no video over the last few weeks. This one was just thrown together, though. I knew I had to post something, or my fans might seek other monkeys on Monday. Wouldn’t that be a shame?

The Mirror

http://youtu.be/T_dWQGN1rEo

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by | April 14, 2012 · 1:09 am

International Song Writing

The People Involved

Several months ago I met (online) a young blogger and college student in the Philippines, Tactician Jenro. I was so impressed with his love for the Lord that I told my daughter to check out his blog, Greyskeil Rainbow. She did.

When my daughter read a poem that Tactician Jenro wrote, “Take my heart…and save it,” it wasn’t long before she was off to her guitar, with pencil and paper in hand, writing a song. She used the poem for the verses, adding only the chorus.

The Song

I hope you enjoy this song. Even more, I hope you will check out Greyskeil Rainbow. You not only will be blessed with this blogger’s unashamed faith, but with his art, too.

Now, just so you will have all the inside info, Katie and I recorded this in her bedroom. Yep, believe it or not, my sixteen year old girl’s bedroom was actually clean enough to set up my guitars, keyboard, mic, and 8-track. Amazing, isn’t it?

Also, I have always played a Yamaha guitar and bass (TRB 4P, if you’re interested), both of which I recorded with an open mic. The recorder is a TASCAM digital 8-track. One day I look forward to going into a good studio, but money is an issue, of course. Want to donate?

Bleeding Heart MP3

While you’re at it…

Here are some other songs I have done on my trusty little 8-track.

  • The School Bus Man Can (By the way, what happens at the end of this song really happened, which is why it’s included.)
  • 02 Dead Flies (I don’t pretend to be a singer, just a writer ;-))
  • 01 Gasoline (I did this just for fun when I was working on a drum pattern. It was never supposed to be a song, but then things progressed, it got later in the night, and I got sillier by the moment. No, I don’t do drugs.)

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