Tag Archives: Humor

Mr. Monkey Endorses My Book

Just for fun, I am reblogging this post from several years ago (I do miss that study).

If you’ve never read my book, you can still order it. It’s a good read, even though I don’t drive a school bus anymore.


A Monkey’s Endorsement 

If you have been waiting to hear glowing endorsements before purchasing my book Life Lessons from the School Bus, then wait no longer.

On today’s edition of “Monday Monkey” Mr. Monkey will share a few words regarding the book and our friendship.

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Filed under book review, Monday Monkey

Don’t Be Skeerd

OK, so if you don’t get it, “skeerd” is “scared” spelled that way we say it sometimes in the South.

My Nightmare 

This week I was woken up by a dream – a bad one. In reality, I can’t tell you for sure if it was really even a dream – it might have been real. I was walking down a hallway (I don’t know where) when a deep voice spoke to me, almost speaking through me, getting my attention.

The hallway down which I was walking was lit where I was, but towards the end it was dark. I was walking toward the darkness. When the voice spoke, it said something like, “I’m here, too,” or “You’re not alone”… I just can’t remember. I looked to my left and there was a 3D shadow…a walking dark shadow of a body…walking beside me as I was walking, and it looked at me.

The next thing that happened was I fell to the ground and started saying, barely able to voice the words, “Help me, Jesus!”

Immediately I woke up.

Honestly, I was rattled. That scared me. My heart was racing.

Then I got mad. I hated being scared. I knew that “greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!”

So I tried to go back to sleep so I could get back into that dream. This wasn’t over.

But the dream never came back.

Don’t Let These Skeer You

The dream I had reminded me of a post I wrote several years ago. In it, I made a list of things of which Christian should not be afraid. Below is an edited version, including an addition.

8 things of which a Christian should not be afraid:

Dracula, or any other vampire that stalks you through your window.

Just show them your cross. If that doesn’t work anymore, then quote Scripture. Of course, if you are a girl, then you’d be better off to just call 911, or better yet, shoot the idiot trying to act like a character from Twilight.

Disclaimer – DO be afraid of Vampire Bats. They have rabies. You may be alright when they bite you, but then again, you may be wishing your church family had something else to pray for…(I ended with a preposition, see?).

Atheists

If they prove that there is no God, no reason for faith, and no reason for the forgiveness of sin, then you have nothing to worry about. They can’t prove there is no God, you know, but if they ever did, then you are free to whack them in the head with the biggest hardcover KJV you can find. If there’s no God, then there’s no absolutes or basis for morality outside of what makes you feel good. Make yourself feel better when they take away your hope by knocking the grin off their face…they should understand.

Crazy worship styles and screens on walls.

No reason to fear these things, people. As long as the worship is from the heart and it IS true worship, not self-satisfying, self-glorifying entertainment, then God will be pleased. On the other hand, if church attendance continues to decline in this country, you won’t be able to afford the electricity needed to run the projectors and fancy sound equipment used by many praise bands. Where two or three are gathered together, there the non-electric bluegrass will be in the midst of them.

Disclaimer – For the record, I love bluegrass gospel. Sorry. Wait, I’m not sorry. Scratch that. I love bluegrass and want to see the words projected on screens in church for all to sing along….with.

Stray dogs that wander in through an open door and listen to the church service.

Had it happen. Didn’t mind. At least when the dog fell asleep he didn’t snore.

Week-long revival meetings.

Where have these things gone? All we see anymore are the 3-day kind, if not the weekend ones that include Sunday, but not Friday.

Just think, if we went back to longer revival meetings, then……wait…..does anybody have revival meetings anymore? We must be too skeerd of having to get dressed up each night; miss some TV we could easily DVR for later; miss a ball game or party, or hear something from God that might convict us. THAT should scare our socks off.

Visitation

What is there to be scared of? Why do we hate knocking on doors, prayer-walking streets, etc.? As long as we’re not trying to sell anything, then most people are happy to meet someone who cares about them. Sure, there are the few vampires that don’t want you coming around, but most folks are at least cordial, at least here in the South. Folks don’t like being banged over the head with your Bible, but they do appreciate being greeted kindly and invited to someplace nice. Just invite them to the King’s house for a meet-and-greet (with a little sweet tea and love, they might just figure we’re not out to take their money).

Change

Some things remain the same, and they have stones above their heads. Now, when those things come back from the dead, you DO have something to be skeerd….of (one more preposition misplacement). Of course, it all depends on Who raises the dead, too. Are they being raised to “walk in newness of life,” or to eat the flesh of screaming movie-goers? Either way, just invite them to a homecoming dinner on the ground and they’ll be alright.

Bad Dreams

Yeah, nightmares are not fun. Heck, dealing with anything demonic is not fun, either. However, God is still God, even in your dreams. He is Sovereign, even over the thoughts and intents of the heart. Therefore, don’t be afraid to go to sleep, particularly if you know that the God who created sleep is ALSO with you in the dark.

The next time you encounter a walking shadow or monster of any kind, call out to Jesus for help – no joke. YOU decide how the dream is going to turn out by inviting Jesus – the Name above all names – to take over.

Darkness will flee and He will deliver thee.

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Filed under Christian Living, Christian Maturity, Culture Wars, General Observations, legalism, Witnessing, worship

Missing Mr. Monkey

I don’t know about you, but I miss Mr. Monkey. It has been a long time since I made a video with him, and how sad is that? I mean, here I am with an iPhone with all the video-making power one needs (along with iMovie), and nothing…sad.

But part of the problem is a lack of ideas. Writer’s block is easy to overcome – just start writing. But movie-making block is a different story altogether; one has to plan.

So, could you help me? First, you can click on the archive tab above and find links to previous Monday Monkey videos, and that should give you an idea what I’m capable of (and those videos were all done on an iPhone 5s, not my 7!). Then, suggest something. Give me some ideas.

Yes, life is serious, I’m an adult, and there are more important things in life than making movies with a 30-year-old puppet monkey.

But God invented humor. And if He invented it and even used it Himself a time or two, I see no reason why we who are “sober and vigilant” can’t use it for God’s glory.

Leave me some suggestions for plot lines or situations in the comment section below. If I choose your idea (or if it inspires me to do something else), then I’ll send you a signed photo of Mr. Monkey and me!

…OK, you don’t have to accept the photo, but it’s available if you want it. Unless we break the camera 😉

The above photo is nearly 10 years old. Mr. Monkey hasn’t changed a bit!

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Filed under Humor, Monday Monkey, Uncategorized

Resolutions to Avoid in 2018

Just for the fun of it…and maybe as a reminder to myself…I created a list resolutions…

A list of resolutions to AVOID… at all cost.

In other words, if you resolve to do the following, you may not live through 2018 (not in good shape, at least).

10 Resolutions to Avoid in 2018

1. I resolve to leave the seat up every time I go to the toilet as a sign of my manly rights.

2. I resolve never to say I’m sorry – unless I mean it, of course.

3. I resolve to read the Bible only when it’s projected on the big screen, and only on Sunday mornings, provided there’s enough free coffee and muffins beforehand.

4. I resolve never to waste any more food, especially that last donut or piece of pecan pie.

5. I resolve to limit my prayer time to blessings over food, when called upon at church, and the next time the cell phone bill is due.

6. I resolve to be more trusting of the government.

7. I resolve to spend more time at work and less time with my family.

8. I resolve to change my spouse’s mind, or else.

9. I resolve to keep more to myself and avoid other people.

10. I resolve to keep everything exactly the way it is right now.

So, what do you think? Are there any you would like to add?

 

 

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Filed under Christian Living, current events, Future, General Observations, Humor

But I’m Still 25, and Less

On Sunday I turned 50.

There wasn’t too much fanfare, especially since my wife was still in the hospital that morning. However, I did get a nice card from my church and a wonderful church-lady-prepared dinner afterwards. Later that night I also got a free meal at a local restaurant, along with a unique gift sure to set me apart from the locals this winter – a set of Nordic woolen underwear (literally from Norway, not the restaurant).

Today I turned 50+2, but that’s the end of looking at it that way. Today I’m letting the whole world know I am not 50 years old – I’m 25, and less. 

Seriously, I am a 25-year-old trapped in a 50-year-old’s body.

Forget what the numbers add up to when you look at my government-issued driver’s license (for which I’ve just gone through a roll-full of red tape to renew)- I’m 25, so just affirm it.

You see, even though this body of mine looks like a handsome, graying, bald man, I’m really a young man with healthy joints trapped inside. Unfortunately, no age-reversing creams or surgeries can help me look like what I really am, so you are going to have to accept me for who I choose to be – young and millennial.

But there’s more!

Even though I am only 25, there’s another me that’s trapped inside the 25-year-old me… it’s the fluid-aged me.

(Yes, I know it’s complicated, but there has to be boundaries, you understand. I can’t keep my job as a school bus driver in Tennessee if my true self fluctuates below the legal bus-driving age of 25.)

This other me (and what’s wrong with more than one?) can get down on the floor and play with blocks, color with crayons, play with Silly Putty, and throw food at people when they aren’t looking. It’s the same me inside of me that tends to make strange noises with my body and blame it on spiders; or make other kids laugh and get in trouble with their teachers, but never own up to causing it.

The me inside of the 25-year-old me varies from age to age, but that’s typically based on which toy aisle I’m visiting.

So, again, I’m no longer going to simply identify as a 50-year-old man, but a bi-personage with both fixed and fluid younger ages. Those of you who rate life and health insurance should take note and lower said rates accordingly. 

However, should the military draft ever be re-instated, and should the 25-year-old me receive a letter, just understand that you might be putting an AR-15 in the hands of an 8-year-old, also. 

Being 50 on the outside does have some advantages, I suppose. 

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Filed under current events, General Observations, Humor

Birthday Sermon

Even though tomorrow (Sunday) will be my 50th birthday, I am going to resist the temptation to be self-serving; I have decided not to preach a sermon on celebrations and the giving of gifts. 

As a matter of fact, I even decided to avoid making the obvious connection between Pentecost and the 50th year of my life. Low-hanging fruit is too easy. 

No, this Sunday morning I will be continuing a series of expository sermons I’m preaching as we go through the book of Ephesians. This week we will be looking at the 4th chapter of Ephesians, concluding somewhere around verse 8. 

The church fellowship which will immediately follow the sermon should also be considered a run-of-the-mill time of mutual edification. After all, it’s not about me. 

God bless you all (or “y’all” as we say), and have a wonderful weekend and Lord’s Day! 

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Filed under Bible Study, Church, Humor, Preaching

Monday Monkey Re-Run

It’s a Monday and some of you need a smile. It’s been a while since this was last posted (3 years, actually), but it’s worthy of a re-run.

One of the greatest country songs to come out of Nashville in the last, oh, 20 years was Jesus Take the Wheel.

This video is not meant to make fun of that song, so I hope Carrie Underwood doesn’t hate me when she sees this (But I hope she does see this).

This episode/edition of “Monday Monkey” pays tribute to Jesus Take the Wheel, while at the same time making fun of Monday-morning drivers. It was only the second video I’d ever made with the monkey, but it remains my favorite – I just wish it’d been longer.

“There’s a Monkey at the Wheel”

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Filed under Humor, Monday Monkey