Tag Archives: Humor

Missing Mr. Monkey

I don’t know about you, but I miss Mr. Monkey. It has been a long time since I made a video with him, and how sad is that? I mean, here I am with an iPhone with all the video-making power one needs (along with iMovie), and nothing…sad.

But part of the problem is a lack of ideas. Writer’s block is easy to overcome – just start writing. But movie-making block is a different story altogether; one has to plan.

So, could you help me? First, you can click on the archive tab above and find links to previous Monday Monkey videos, and that should give you an idea what I’m capable of (and those videos were all done on an iPhone 5s, not my 7!). Then, suggest something. Give me some ideas.

Yes, life is serious, I’m an adult, and there are more important things in life than making movies with a 30-year-old puppet monkey.

But God invented humor. And if He invented it and even used it Himself a time or two, I see no reason why we who are “sober and vigilant” can’t use it for God’s glory.

Leave me some suggestions for plot lines or situations in the comment section below. If I choose your idea (or if it inspires me to do something else), then I’ll send you a signed photo of Mr. Monkey and me!

…OK, you don’t have to accept the photo, but it’s available if you want it. Unless we break the camera ūüėČ

The above photo is nearly 10 years old. Mr. Monkey hasn’t changed a bit!

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Filed under Humor, Monday Monkey, Uncategorized

Resolutions to Avoid in 2018

Just for the fun of it…and maybe as a reminder to myself…I created a list resolutions…

A list of resolutions to AVOID… at all cost.

In other words, if you resolve to do the following, you may not live through 2018 (not in good shape, at least).

10 Resolutions to Avoid in 2018

1. I resolve to leave the seat up every time I go to the toilet as a sign of my manly rights.

2. I resolve never to say I’m sorry – unless I mean it, of course.

3. I resolve to read the Bible only when it’s projected on the big screen, and only on Sunday mornings, provided there’s enough free coffee and muffins beforehand.

4. I resolve never to waste any more food, especially that last donut or piece of pecan pie.

5. I resolve to limit my prayer time to blessings over food, when called upon at church, and the next time the cell phone bill is due.

6. I resolve to be more trusting of the government.

7. I resolve to spend more time at work and less time with my family.

8. I resolve to change my spouse’s mind, or else.

9. I resolve to keep more to myself and avoid other people.

10. I resolve to keep everything exactly the way it is right now.

So, what do you think? Are there any you would like to add?

 

 

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Filed under Christian Living, current events, Future, General Observations, Humor

But I’m Still 25, and Less

On Sunday I turned 50.

There wasn’t too much fanfare, especially since my wife was still in the hospital that morning. However, I did get a nice card from my church and a wonderful church-lady-prepared dinner afterwards. Later that night I also got a free meal at a local restaurant, along with a unique gift sure to set me apart from the locals this winter – a set of Nordic woolen underwear (literally from Norway, not the restaurant).

Today I turned 50+2, but that’s the end of looking at it that way. Today I’m letting the whole world know I am not 50 years old – I’m 25, and less. 

Seriously, I am a 25-year-old trapped in a 50-year-old’s body.

Forget what the numbers add up to when you look at my government-issued driver’s license (for which I’ve just gone through a roll-full of red tape to renew)- I’m 25, so just affirm it.

You see, even though this body of mine looks like a handsome, graying, bald man, I’m really a young man with healthy joints trapped inside. Unfortunately, no age-reversing creams or surgeries can help me look like what I really am, so you are going to have to accept me for who I choose to be – young and millennial.

But there’s more!

Even though I am only 25, there’s another me that’s trapped inside the 25-year-old me… it’s the fluid-aged me.

(Yes, I know it’s complicated, but there has to be boundaries, you understand. I can’t keep my job as a school bus driver in Tennessee if my true self fluctuates below the legal bus-driving age of 25.)

This other me (and what’s wrong with more than one?) can get down on the floor and play with blocks, color with crayons, play with Silly Putty, and throw food at people when they aren’t looking. It’s the same me inside of me that tends to make strange noises with my body and blame it on spiders; or make other kids laugh and get in trouble with their teachers, but never own up to causing it.

The me inside of the 25-year-old me varies from age to age, but that’s typically based on which toy aisle I’m visiting.

So, again, I’m no longer going to simply identify as a 50-year-old man, but a bi-personage with both fixed and fluid younger ages. Those of you who rate life and health insurance should take note and lower said rates accordingly. 

However, should the military draft ever be re-instated, and should the 25-year-old me receive a letter, just understand that you might be putting an AR-15 in the hands of an 8-year-old, also. 

Being 50 on the outside does have some advantages, I suppose. 

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Filed under current events, General Observations, Humor

Birthday Sermon

Even though tomorrow (Sunday) will be my 50th birthday, I am going to resist the temptation to be self-serving; I have decided not to preach a sermon on celebrations and the giving of gifts. 

As a matter of fact, I even decided to avoid making the obvious connection between Pentecost and the 50th year of my life. Low-hanging fruit is too easy. 

No, this Sunday morning I will be continuing a series of expository sermons I’m preaching as we go through the book of Ephesians. This week we will be looking at the 4th chapter of Ephesians, concluding somewhere around verse 8. 

The church fellowship which will immediately follow the sermon should also be considered a run-of-the-mill time of mutual edification. After all, it’s not about me. 

God bless you all (or “y’all” as we say), and have a wonderful weekend and Lord’s Day! 

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Filed under Bible Study, Church, Humor, Preaching

Monday Monkey Re-Run

It’s a Monday and some of you need a smile. It’s been a while since this was last posted (3 years, actually), but it’s worthy of a re-run.

One of the greatest country songs to come out of Nashville in the last, oh, 20 years was Jesus Take the Wheel.

This video is not meant to make fun of that song, so I hope Carrie Underwood doesn’t hate me when she sees this (But I hope she does see this).

This episode/edition of “Monday Monkey” pays tribute to Jesus Take the Wheel, while at the same time making fun of Monday-morning drivers. It was only the second video I’d ever made with the monkey, but it remains my favorite – I just wish it’d been longer.

“There’s a Monkey at the Wheel”

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Pastoral Ministry 

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Filed under Humor, ministry

10 Easy Tips to Spark Up Your Love Life (Conservative Evangelical Edition)

Your Requests

Lately I have been getting a lot of requests* from my readers and random people I meet on the street. They have been asking things like, “Hey, Anthony! Why don’t you write a blog post that deals with relationships and dating?”

There have also been multiple married couples** across the country come up to me and point-blank beg me to share my thoughts on marriage, keeping the love alive, etc. Probably 25 couples*** specifically asked, “Can you enumerate a list of actions we as couples can take to ‘spark’ things up, but in a Baptist way?”

So, what else can I do but give my readers what they ask for, right?

Therefore, as requested, here are approximately 10 easy tips to spark up your love life – if you are a conservative Evangelical or Baptist, of course.

10 Easy Tips to Spark Up Your Love Life

Men:

  1. Open the car door. I know, it may sound old fashioned, but the ladies really to like it when you open and hold the door to the car, especially when other people with bad marriages are looking. NOTE: Make sure you hold it open and watch your wife/fiance/date actually complete the task of getting all the way in before you turn your head and shut the door. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to notice the ooo-ing onlookers touched by your chivalry; that’s the female’s place…you don’t want to break her ankle.
  2. Buy her flowers. Christian girls adore God’s creation just as much as the nearest tree-hugging liberal. Therefore, don’t forget to buy your woman some flowers now and then. NOTE: Make sure beforehand if she is allergic to any particular specimen. Otherwise, make sure you have some anointing oil handy, along with someone who can demand that the spirit of asthma be gone.
  3. Choose the right restaurant. When your better half wants to go out to dinner, or when you suggest it, ask where she would like to eat. When she then says, “Oh, it doesn’t matter; wherever you want to go,” you softly say, “I think I would like to go to _______.” With what do you fill in the blank? The restaurant SHE likes, NOT where you would actually want to go.
  4. Tell her she looks beautiful. Married guys, right when you roll over in the morning and see your wife, tell her you love her AND “you look beautiful this morning!” No, she won’t believe you, but she will enjoy hearing it. Then, later in the day, say it again, right when she doesn’t expect it. NOTE: Don’t tell her she looks beautiful more than twice in the same day – she’ll know you’re up to something and the plan will backfire. Single guys, just tell her she’s “pretty” and save the rest for marriage.

Women:

  1. Tell your man you’re proud of him. In all seriousness, if there is anything a man wants, it is to be respected. Even if he’s been acting like an idiot and messing up everything he touches, let him know you are proud of him for trying. The last thing you want to live with is a bumbling idiot whose depressed, too.
  2. Brag on your husband. Don’t misunderstand, bragging on your husband is just the half of it. What you need to do to spark things up is brag on him to other women, and do it is such a way that he is not supposed to know what you said, but you “accidentally” let him find out. For example, send an email or text to your BFF saying something like, “God gave me the best husband any woman could ever dream of! I’m sorry your husband isn’t as wonderful as mine…#praying4u” Then, leave your computer on, or “accidentally” forward him a copy.
  3. Surprise him with tickets to a manly-man guy flick. Believe me, ladies, if you want to make your man feel special, accepted, loved, and adored, say to him, “Honey, guess what? I got us both tickets to go see Star Wars! Unless, of course, you’d like to go see The Day the World Was Saved by Blowing Up Stuff; I’d really like to see that, too.”
  4. Pick some flowers for him. First, you’d be amazed at how guys can be touched by something as sensitive and caring as you giving him flowers. But, keep this in mind – don’t buy them! Your man will be far less stressed if you don’t spend money on stupid stuff like flowers that are only going to die in a day or two, anyway. Pick the flowers and he will love them – and you!

TransGender & LGBT Folk:

NOTE: I can’t help you. However, see the United Methodist, Presbyterian (USA), Unitarian Church, Alliance of Baptists, and Ecumenical Catholic websites, to name a few, for further information. Or, just look for wherever the co-opted symbol of the rainbow is displayed.

For Couples (heterosexual, married, and not just living together):

  1. Pray together. Don’t just pray for each other; pray WITH each other.
  2. Go to church together. Don’t just go to church, however; sit with each other and worship together. NOTE: if you have children that seem to require the whole pew and it forces the both of you to separate and sit at either end, see my other post entitled “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child.”
  3. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. That’s all I’m going to say about that; you’ll need to look that up on your own.

BONUS: Spend the evening together at your local Lifeway Christian Book Store.

Conclusion

The last bit of advice I can give is this: Put God first in your relationships and He will provide whatever you need to make it great and make it last.

 

* Not really.

**Again, not really. I’m joking.

***Ditto.

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Filed under baptist, Christian Living, Defending Traditional Marriage, Faith, Humor, Relationships and Family, wisdom