Tag Archives: advice

Choose Your Cabbage: Where Babies Come From

Bus Stories

If you didn’t know by now (I don’t know how you wouldn’t), I am a mild-mannered school bus driver by day…I can’t tell you about what I do at night – it’s top secret.

Because I drive a school bus, I am privy to many things children will talk about when not around teachers or parents (they seem to think I can’t hear – I’m too focused on the road, you know). Most of what they talk about is mundane and full of drama (especially with the girls), but sometimes their conversations DEMAND that I insert my two cents.

However, it is rare to hear my elementary kids (grades K-5) talk about “the birds and the bees,” especially when the words they use are ones like “egg,” “sperm,” etc. Therefore, what was discussed today was destined to be turned into a blog post.

Not Supposed to Know

I was just driving, looking ahead at the road, when a 5th-grade girl (let’s call her “Sue”) sitting in a seat right behind me uttered the words “sperm,” “egg,” and “sex” in the same string of words. I am only assuming the string of words were put together in the form of a sentence, but the key words stood out above the rest she used. Immediately my eyes looked up to the rear-view mirror.

Blah blah sex blah blah blah sperm and egg, blah blah blah, isn’t that right?” Sue asked a male student across the aisle from her.

Looking at Sue’s reflection in my student mirror, with a combined look of shock and inquisitiveness, I asked, “What in the world are y’all talking about?”

“Oh…yeah…we’ve been learning stuff in 5th grade…probably stuff we shouldn’t know at our age,” Sue replied. Then she called upon a 5th-grade boy (let’s call him Jack) and asked, “Isn’t that right, Jack? Tell Mr. Baker what we were learning about in class.”

Like a typical boy with little on his mind, Jack at first responded with a “Huh?” Then he went on to say, “Yeah, we talked about sex, and where babies come from, and all that.”

“And eggs and sperm, right?” Sue continued.

“Oh, yeah, that too,” Jack confirmed.

“Well,” I said, shaking my head, “you’re probably right…you’re too young for that stuff.”

“And a…a….a….” Sue stuttered, trying to complete a word.

Asexual?” I questioned, attempting to complete the word she was trying to remember.

“Yeah! Asexual! We learned about being asexual, too,” Sue replied.

“Asexual” Advice

So, as you see, I was drawn into a conversation that grown-ups dread, especially when it comes to dealing with little kids that are not your own. Therefore, taking charge of the discussion, I immediately began to extend my wisdom on the subject.

“So, you know what asexual is, then?” I asked.

“Yes,” sue replied.

“Well, that’s what you should be…asexual,” I said. Sue tilted her head with suspicion.

“Yep, that’s what you need to be – asexual. That means you don’t need a boy; you don’t need to date anyone; you don’t need any of that –  just have babies all by yourself, or cut off your arm and in no time you have another you, just like a starfish. Simple.”

“I don’t think that’s the way it works, Mr. Baker,” said an incredulous Sue. Then she looked at Jack and asked, “What wrong?”

Jack, looking a little sad, then said, “I don’t want to be asexual…I don’t like asexual. That makes me sad.” Then he stepped off the bus.

Cabbages On a Tray

With a serious, yet “no duh” look I caught Sue’s eye in the above mirror and asked, “Do you really want to know where babies come from?”

“Sure. Where?” replied Sue.

I explained it this way…

You see, first of all, all that stuff you see on TV, all that stuff in the movies…especially that Rated-R stuff…all of that is fake; don’t believe it. All that stuff you see them doing is not real; men and women don’t really do all of that. 

Secondly, I have kids, so I know about these things. That whole “Stork” thing…that’s made up, too. 

Here’s the truth, OK? What happens is when a woman has a baby, she goes to the hospital to get it. She goes to a really nice, expensive room, where she gets really comfortable and waits around a while. They put her on a bed, lean her back, and then cover her up with a blanket, making sure she has everything she needs. Then, at some point, the doctors and nurses roll in a cart with a big tray on it. On that big tray is a bunch of cabbages.

What happens is when they roll in that tray full of cabbages, the woman is then given one choice, one cabbage, to pick. She picks the cabbage she wants, then they turn it over. Whatever baby is under that cabbage is the one she gets, the one she has to take home.

That’s where babies come from. You understand, now?

“Cabbages, huh?” asked Sue, her lips snarled up to one corner of her face.

“Yes. Cabbages.”

“Well, OK.”

“Oh, and Sue,” I said, as I was approaching her stop, “this means if your mom wants to have another baby, she doesn’t need another husband, either.”

Sue looked at me, head tilted, with a look on her freckled face that screamed “this oughta be good,” and then asked, “Oh, really?

“Absolutely!” I exclaimed. Knowing Sue’s mom is divorced, I went on to explain, “If she wants another baby, all she needs to do is call down to the hospital and order a tray of cabbages, and they’ll get one ready for her. Then she can just pick.”

Stepping down the stairs after the bus came to a stop at her street corner, Sue looked back at me with a smile and said, “Cabbages, huh? Have a great day, Mr. Baker…see you tomorrow.”

And THAT is how a bus driver explains the birds and the bees.

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Filed under current events, Humor, Life Lessons, Parenting, wisdom

Help Me Lose Weight!

I am now going to make use of the world wide web and call out for advice, because I know a lot of you have plenty to offer (I mean that in a good way).

I will be 50 years old in September. For years and years I have stayed around 200 lbs (average of 210 for the last decade). But now I am gaining…and I want it to stop. I mean, just look at the scale from today! I am going to have to let out my suit coat before I can afford to buy a new one!


Anyway, some of  you are very knowledgeable in this subject, so I am going to ask for your best weight-loss tips and stategies. Keep in mind the following before you respond:

  • I am 50 years old.
  • I have a damaged rotator cuff in my right shoulder.
  • I have a bad right knee (can’t run).
  • I hate cottage cheese with a passion.
  • I don’t do kale.
  • I will NOT give up coffee.
  • I have a Total Gym, but no money for a gym membership.
  • My weight goal is 180 pounds (I’m 5’9″), even though some may advise it to be more like 160; I don’t want to look like a stick; some fluffiness makes me more adorable.

So, can you help?

Even more importantly, do you care enough to hold me accountable?

Remember, if we are the body of Christ, and I am a member of the same body you are, me being overweight might just be slowing you down, too!

Let’s do this thing, OK?

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Filed under Christian Unity, community, fitness, Food, Uncategorized

10 Tips for Having a GREAT Monday!

Being Consistent

I am doing my best to be consistent. I’m trying to post something, however mundane or benign, every stinking day. Ever day, I tell you!

Dang the writer’s block and full steam ahead!

But to do this “every day a post” thing, you’re going to have to expect some desperate writing, even stuff that makes no sense, if not bad sense.

So, the following are 10 tips for having a great Monday, at least they sound good as I write them on a Sunday night.

10 Tips for Having a GREAT Monday!

  1. Wake up. Yeah, I know this might sound like a given, but some people have the habit of sleeping through the whole day just to avoid it. Don’t do it! Wake up! Seize it, brutha!
  2. Don’t check the news, Facebook, or Twitter till at least lunchtime. Listen, I am an information junkie, even a smartphone addict, so I understand the hankering to tap those colorful little icons – just don’t do it today (Monday). If war has broken out, you will find out through other means; you don’t need to click on Fox or CNN or Yahoo News. If you got comments and likes in the middle of the night, don’t worry – Facebook will keep them on ice for you. The only thing you need to check before 7 a.m. is blog states and anything WordPress-related.
  3. Pray before you pee. I’m serious about this, folks. If you get out of bed and go to your earthly throne room first, it won’t be long before you forget about checking in with the Heavenly Throne room. Even if you have to tell Jesus: “Lord, I want to thank you for another day to serve you and bring you glory, but I will talk with you about some other stuff just after I get through in the bathroom,” do that. I’d rather you acknowledge your creator first than forget to thank the One who gave you Monday.
  4. Eat whatever you want for breakfast. I mean, hey, it’s Monday…just eat something and get on with it. You already have enough stuff on you plate to make you dread Monday, so why not make Monday-morning breakfast something to which you look forward? Pancakes, Fruity Pebbles, donuts, cake, pie, pizza, chocolate gravy and biscuits, cookies, waffles, and pure sugar are all legitimate options. Just make sure you include coffee.
  5. Read your Bible. Look, even if you don’t want to sit down with your leather-bound KJV or your plastic-covered NIV, find some way to consume the Bread of Life before your day gets going – you’re already going to be eating enough junk.
  6. Wake up to a catchy song for your alarm. If you have a smart phone that wakes you up, and if you can set your alarm to be a song, download Gloria Estefan’s “Conga” and shake your body out of the bed. It works! seriously!
  7. Tell your spouse you love her/him before you leave the house. Believe me, it makes for a better Monday… or Tuesday… or Wednesday… etc.
  8. Plan a God hunt. What is a God hunt, you ask? Determine that even though Monday’s can be depressing, determine to look for God working in some way. Make a game of it! See if you can beat last Monday’s record.
  9. Don’t forget to brush your teeth. Bad breath will guarantee a bad day. Wishing you’d remembered to brush your teeth will aggravate you all day. So, don’t forget.
  10. Don’t dress in the dark. Yes, if you want to have a GREAT Monday, make sure your clothes match before you head out for the day. Either that, or ask your spouse how you look.

BONUS: Don’t let your wife ask you how she looks; there is no way to have a good day once that happens.

There you have it! Hope these tips help!

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Filed under General Observations, wisdom

Morning Advice for an Arrogant Student

Today I asked a high schooler if she had ever been homeless or had to beg on the street. With a cool tone she responded, “Uh, no.” I then said, “Then you’re missing out on some really good resume enhancers.”

For example, here are a few skills learned on the street, yet rarely appreciated:

1. Creative self-marketing.

2. Product placement.

3. Location research and acquisition.

4. Creative use of recyclables in advertising.

5. Ability to adapt to ever-changing socio-economic, legal, and geo-thermal climates.

See, just doing my job to help out kids on the bus, especially those with little or no vision.

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Filed under Humor, Life Lessons, Uncategorized

Random Advice for Preachers

The fact that I am still preaching after all these years is a miracle and a testament to God’s grace and mercy…grace in that He called me and continues to use me; mercy in that He hasn’t zapped me with lightning.

Therefore, before I do something totally stupid and end up being forced to take an early flaming chariot ride beyond the clouds, you might want to pay attention.

You may not be a preacher or a pastor, but if you are, or know someone who is, I want here are seven (7) random, unsolicited, out-of-the-blue words of advice. Take them for what they are worth while I am still around to offer them.

  1. Take the time to learn how to pronounce the names of ancient places and people before you stand up to read your text or selected Scripture. This even applies to extra-biblical names. Not only will you appear more intelligent, but you will avoid the risk of pronouncing something not meant to be uttered from the pulpit.
  2. Always make sure your wireless mic is turned off before you kneel at the altar to pray with someone. The congregation doesn’t need to hear someone confess something over the main speakers.
  3. For heaven’s sake, turn off your wireless mic BEFORE you make a last minute trip to the men’s room before the service or during the choir special.
  4. Never assume sugar plums are a safe illustration during a Christmas sermon when you have in your congregation elderly people who have a penchant to talk loud enough to be heard…and like to point out there were other “things” sugar was added to in order to make children latch on.
  5. Never confess from the pulpit that you are yourself and may never be “another Billy Graham.” Someone will ALWAYS say, “Amen!”
  6. Never use your wife in a sermon illustration unless you want to become an illustration for what not to do in a sermon.
  7. Never make ministry about success, wealth, health, the good life, or yourself; preach Christ crucified. You may come across as a fool to some, but the message of the cross is the power and wisdom of God to those who will believe (1 Cor. 1:23-31).

There’s more I could tell you, but what are your thoughts? Do you have any words of advice for up-and-coming preachers?

Gratuitous Cute Pet Photo

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Filed under Preaching

Thursday Thoughts (Strange Sayings)

Howdy!

Hey, everybody! It seems like it has been forever since I last wrote anything. Hopefully you enjoyed the repeats I posted, but nothing is like writing something fresh.

However, I must admit something: when I read the blogs of others I get a little intimidated. Seriously, all it takes is reading some of the stuff to which I’m subscribed to make me want to turn off my computer and go eat Twinkies. At the very least I feel like I should be qualifying every post with disclaimer like, “The following post was written by a gifted toddler.”

So, let me apologize in advance.

A Strange Saying

Have you ever repeated a phrase, some axiom or expression, without ever stopping to think about what you were really saying? Consider the following:

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Really? Is that so? Is that an absolute statement, or just a generalization? Honestly, it doesn’t make much sense to me. Am I supposed to believe that as long as I survive something I will be stronger because of it?

Let’s consider some possibilities.

  • A 50-foot fall from a Ferris wheel. Would you really be stronger if you survived? I’d say a broken back might make it much less likely you’d be lifting heavier boxes.
  • An attack by a grizzly bear.  Let’s see, a crushed skull, deep gashes, missing body parts, and a limp: yep, that would make me stronger.
  • Nearly drowning after falling through the ice. Hmmm, I didn’t know that several minutes without oxygen was a good thing, but evidently it is – as long as you survive.

Warning

Seriously, a hard, over-the-top workout in the gym could kill you. However, with a little common sense and the help of a trainer, you could could become stronger than you were before.

The breakup of a relationship (like the supposed one in Kelly Clarkson’s song) could cause a lot of pain and sadness in the short-term, but strengthen character in the long-run. On the other hand, the results of poor judgment when entering into a relationship could result in life-long scars and emotional baggage destined to weaken future relationships.

But here’s the thing: what might not kill one person could still collaterally hurt others.

It is safer to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than to confront a fool caught in foolishness. – Proverbs 17:12 NLT

A stronger fool is of little worth.

 

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Filed under Life Lessons, wisdom