Category Archives: Humor

Whadaya Do When Your Monkey Has the Hiccups? (and other song suggestions)

Have you ever had a song that you couldn’t get out of your head? Sometimes they’re so bad you’d think Myley Cyrus had written them just to give you bad dreams.

Then there are those strange, twisted, dementedly sick videos from Billie Eilish. Good grief! I don’t advise watching them, not unless you want to stain your brain.

What’s a person supposed to do when they listen to or watch something perverted or sick that determines to repeat over and over in your mind? How do you get rid of it?

The first thing you can do – and this is the most preferred option – is listen to some good Christian music that uplifts the name of Jesus as it lifts you out of the mire of Myley’s musings. I recommend the following (with links provided):

OR, if you’re really desperate, you can watch this video and listen to this song I wrote and recorded. Listen to it a couple of times, then sing along. It will drown out any memory of the typical soul-polluting garbage on the radio.

If you keep repeating it in your head, over and over, it might even drown out the “Baby Shark” nightmares.

3 Comments

Filed under animals, Humor, Monday Monkey, music

Hello, Canada! Eh? (updated)

This morning I want to send a shout out to all my Canadian friends. Hey guys! 

When I go to the stats page, I find more visits from you polite Canadians than any other country besides the States!

That’s awesome, eh?

As a matter of fact, Pastor Chris Jordan (a Canadian) helped a great deal in writing our commentary posts on Proverbial Thought. 

So, you friendly maple leafs (leaves?), why not leave a comment and tell us what God is doing in the Great White North? Is there still a French problem?

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time… “No point in steering now.” LOL!

Thanks for your syrup, your kindness, and for reading my blog!

Seriously, God bless you!

(and the Doug and Bob vids were in love, not meant to offend)

I want to express my sincerest condolences to the people of Canada, along with an apology. When I first published this post, I was not aware of the Canadian connection to the downed airliner in Iran (I do not have live TV).  Had I known that in advance, I would not have published the silly stereotype videos, but would have kept things more serious. 

Again, my apologies for not knowing sooner, and my condolences to the families and your nation.

16 Comments

Filed under blogging, Countries, Humor

Observations from a Middle-Georgia Pastorate: Church History and #50

The History Room

Does your young, newborn of a 20th century church have a history room? Probably not.

The last church I pastored was considered “historic,” but is was only founded in 1946, not even the 1800’s. It didn’t have a “history” room, only a file cabinet.

But this church (Bethlehem Baptist) was founded in 1791! Therefore, it has a “history room” where old church records are stored. And let me tell you, reading the minutes from a church business meeting held 230 years ago is a trip!

How Times Change!

One of the things that rarely gets discussed in modern churches is church discipline. I mean, it’s very rare that a church member gets called to the carpet for sinful behavior these days, much less barred from fellowship or excommunicated. Yet, spend some time in the history room here at BBC and you will find out that things were a LOT different 200 years ago.

I hereby submit, for your edification and entertainment, selected readings from the minutes of Bethlehem Baptist Church.

  • Jan. 1, 1791:  “Excommunicated Robert.” That’s it. Nothing else was recorded!
  • May 20, 1791:  “Restored James Spratley to full fellowship.” Well, at least something positive happened.
  • June 6, 1792:  “Church met in conference . . . Stephen Renfroe is brought on trial & gains fellowship. ‘The church still seems divided concerning a pastor & 12 of the members rise & declare themselves grieved with the calling of Benjamin Thompson as pastor. Confusion & death is like to take place.‘” Ummm, that doesn’t sound good!
  • Sept. 28, 1792: “Ch. met in conf. Nothing of note came before us. Love seems to abound.Let’s hope so!
  • April 27, 1793: “[Bethlehem Baptist Church] met in conference. No business presented. Br. Baker, his wife, & negro join us by letter. (Br. Baker later becomes Pastor) Nothing unfinished. Love abounds.” It’s about time, don’t you think?
  • March 14, 1794: “David Wilborn is censured by Sister Taylor for injustice in measuring corn.” Where did the love go?
  • June 14, 1804: “Took under consideration the conduct of James Blunt & it being made plain… Alexander Smith confessed to drinking too much. Sister Little complained that Br. James Taylor had run off a part of her land. Neal, Walker, & Edmund May (Mayo?) to reconcile matter.”
  • March 18, 1815: (One month after the War of 1812) “Friday before the 3rd Sunday in April set apart as a day of thanksgiving to God for the aversion of impending danger & the return of his mercy towards us as a nation in delivering us from Wars & bloodshed & restoring peace in our country.”
  • Jan. 15, 1820: “Br. Manning & Barber to cite Jeff & wife (colored) to attend next conference to answer for some charges alleged against him viz: dishonesty & preaching without leave of the Church. Sister Molly a woman of color, dismissed by letter. She formerly belonged to David McCard.” Seems a “negro” had been preaching without permission. He justified himself by saying he’d never been told not to. Then, two months later, the church met and decided, “As to Jeff’s preaching, the ch. thinks proper for him to lay down the practice of taking texts to advance doctrine from, but recommended him to use the gift in public of singing, prayer & exhortation.” Ah, yes! Those colored people sure knew how to sing, didn’t they?

Like I said, things sure have changed in the last 200+ years, haven’t they?

And then there was #50!

So, with all this history, my curiosity got the best of me: I wanted to know where I fell in the lineage of pastors. How many had there been, and what number was I? When I figured it out, there had been 49 men who served a total of 56 tenures here at Bethlehem (a few had been asked to serve a second or third time).

That made me the 50th man to be pastor! Or as one deacon called my last night, the “golden boy.”

Portraits of pastors (mine isn’t up, yet). But this is only 20. 30 more are missing.

Yep, I’m the 50th pastor serving in the 57th tenure … and the second Baker. But THIS “Br. Baker” ain’t got no slaves!

“Love abounds.” For real.

Leave a comment

Filed under America, baptist, Church, Humor, places

Christmas Canine Cuteness

I had already purchased Christmas cards when the idea was suggested that we make cards with photos of George and me.

It wasn’t a bad idea, necessarily, but I do have a wife, so wouldn’t it be a good idea to include her, too?

So, since I already had the cards (sorta), and since my wife has been out of town and unable to have her picture made with me, I decided to take pictures of George and make copies to insert inside the Christmas cards I’m mailing out.

George is like a wind-up toy that never winds down. Yet, when I put him up on the table and wrapped him in electric Christmas lights, he sat there perfectly calm and still. I was shocked … see what I did there 😉

Anyway, here are a few photos I took with my iPhone, including one with me in the jacket I wore last Sunday night for our Christmas concert. Don’t envy me; that’s a sin.

A perfect little gentleman 🙂

Someone has a little attitude.

He’s either singing “Oh, Howly Night,” laughing at my attempts to make him smile, or screaming, “I don’t want to be a media hound!”

Buddies 🙂

Leave a comment

Filed under animals, Christmas, Humor

Things NOT to Hang On Your Christmas Tree

The Old Lights

For those of us who were born after the advent (see what I did there?) of electricity, the most dangerous Christmas tree lighting we experienced were the glass light bulbs that tended to heat up too much. Long before there were those tiny cool-to-the-touch diodes, we had colored spot lights that broke into tiny shards of foot-stabbing cheer!

These are actually for sale!

Man, I miss those lights! The best one can do nowadays is find plastic reproductions that look like the old bulbs. However, you could take an extra risk of burning down your house by plugging in some vintage ones you buy online.

When we were told to unplug the lights before going to bed, it wasn’t just the energy we were trying to conserve.

The Older Lights

Source: Huffpost.com

But before there were electric lights of any kind, our forefathers and foremothers evidently had the ability to hang flaming wax sticks on combustible evergreens and not die as a result. Of course, these were the same people who survived lead-painted toys and smoked Marlboro Lights for “better health.”

Yes, believe it or not, people really did put candles on Christmas trees, even up until the 1940’s! And what’s even more shocking to me is that there are actually people who still do! Literally, according to some, candle-lit Christmas trees are on the comeback!

If you don’t believe me, here’s a link you can follow to buy your own Christmas tree-burning ornaments.

By the way, has anyone noticed an uptick in house fires, lately?

The What Not’s

I don’t know about you, but it would seem to me that there are some things one should never place on a Christmas tree; the old incandescent bulbs and even older, match-lit torches are only two of them.

But as family conversation would have it, the subject of Christmas trees came up over lunch the other day. Sitting with my wife and my mother, between sips of eggnog and nibbles of Christmas cookies and sugar plums, we determined what things should NOT be put on a Christmas tree – besides candles.

  • Tinsel. I don’t know why one is not supposed to put tinsel on a Christmas tree, other than because cats love to eat it. But what’s wrong with that? All it does is make their litter more festive, right?
  • Mini Christmas trees. I mean, why? After all, it’s it enough that you have the real thing in your house? Why put little imitations on it? Isn’t that redundant? A little overkill?
  • Old ornaments with your ex’s picture on them. That’s just asking for trouble. Fires are started by people, too, you know.
  • Cheese. Ever heard the story about it being quiet in the house, right before Santa arrives? Remember how not a creature was stirring, “not even a mouse.” Well, put cheese on your tree and all mistletoe could break loose!
  • Mousetraps. Let’s just say your really do want to put cheese on your Christmas tree, you know, to go with the string of popcorn. In an effort to keep the mice from steeling your cheddar-flavored ornaments, you might think it’s a good idea to hand a few well-placed mousetraps. But seriously, what will the children think when dead vermin are found bleeding all over their presents come Christmas morning? Not good.
  • Knives. (I thought of this one) My mother literally asked me after I made the suggestion, “Why would anyone put knives on a Christmas tree?” I answered, “Why would anyone hang a lit candle on a piece of kindling right in the middle of the living room?” “Good point,” she replied. But even though knives are shiny, reflect light, and, depending on the color of the handle, can blend in nicely with the decorations – don’t shake the tree when reaching under it for a present. You might end up needing the ribbon for a tourniquet.
  • White-corded lights on a green tree (or visa versa). This was my wife’s suggestion of what NOT to put on a Christmas tree, but then I reminded her that such a suggestion might get her into trouble. Why? Because what if the boxes in which the wires came were mislabeled? What if the white strand of lights self-identified as a green strand of lights? Who needs a law suit on Christmas Eve? Just wrap them around the tree and let them twinkle.

So, in a chestnut shell, try to avoid anything that might cause bad memories, set your house on fire, harm pets, or offend trans-colored wiring, and your Christmas tree will bring you hours of entertainment and joy – until you have to take it down.

Do you think the real reason there may have been “no room in the inn” was because Joseph mentioned something about putting up a birthday tree?

I hope you laughed. “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine…” (Proverbs 17:22a). 

3 Comments

Filed under Christmas, Humor

My Pre-Salvation Testimony

Testimonies

I’m a Christian. So, when I talk about my testimony, I’m talking about my personal story, not what’s given from the witness stand.

You see, we Christians, particularly we church-going folk, like to talk about what God has done in our lives. We like telling others about where the Lord has brought us from, how he’s changed us, and what He’s currently doing in our lives. We like to “testify.”

But as I say that, it seems to me that more Christians than not are pretty silent about what God has done to transform them. To be honest, it’s been a long, long time since I’ve been to a “testimony service” where there’s no preaching, just people telling their stories – their testimonies.

The “Great” Testimonies

But maybe it’s because so often what gets the most press, so to speak, are the testimonies that wow the audience, the “great” testimonies of how God delivered a horrible sinner and turned him into a saint. …Yeah, I know, that’s what salvation is, but work with me for a moment

What people really want to hear are the salacious details of debauchery and crime, the drugs and alcohol, the millions blown on a life of sin … you know, sort of like Kanye … and THEN how God miraculously saved them from all the excitement.  You don’t draw a crowd with a boring testimony like, “I was saved as a small child and lived a relatively God-honoring life the last 40 years.”

Why would the average Christian want to stand up in front of people and watch them yawn? For the most part, a lot of people who are born again by faith in Jesus Christ think their story isn’t worth telling, at least not worth making a big deal.

That’s why I want to share, for the very first time, my pre-salvation testimony… to encourage the average believer who’s never been a murderer, a drug dealer, a dope addict, a wifebeater, a famous musician, or a politician.

My Story

I’ve written before about my life after God saved my soul, but I’ve never written about what I was like before I gave my heart to Jesus. I didn’t want to give the devil too much credit or make my past life look attractive to those who might be tempted by the depravity to which I was bound.

Honestly, some people talk about their lives before Christ like salvation was only something they resigned to. It’s like: “I had everything money could buy – women, drugs, fast cars, airplanes, houses on the beach, and a modeling contract – but then I got saved, and now I go to church.

But not me… I was a true sinner, lost and on my way to hell, and I’m glad Jesus saved me!

Before I got saved, I was an immature, unpredictable, maladjusted mess. For a few years, I was in such a world of my own that nobody could understand me; my vocabulary was horrible, worse than a sailor’s. My language was so bad I’d even make up words to express the neediness inside.

For at least a year I drank all the time. Rarely ate a bite of food.

I never cared about my own well-being, but lived every day without any thought of life or death. I took every risk, broke every rule, and in trouble with authority on a regular, sometimes daily basis.

Before Jesus saved me, I was self-centered, self-serving, and entitled; I felt everything should be done for me, that I shouldn’t have to do anything for myself. For a couple of years, I didn’t even try.

I was like the homeless in San Fransisco; I’d defecate anywhere and anytime I wanted. Once, while attending a party at my parent’s house, I literally walked into the middle of the living room where the church people were sitting, and urinated into an ashtray on the coffee table!

The face of an unrepentant sinner full of unholy potential.

I took advantage of everyone who loved me, especially my mother. Fortunately, I had good parents who loved me through those unredeemed years, even though it seemed like every paycheck of theirs was meant to keep me alive.

That is why I could never thank God enough for what He did when He saved me on September 26, 1973… when I was only six years old!

God spared the world from what I could have become.

10 Comments

Filed under Christian Living, Christianity, Church, Humor, self-worth, Witnessing, worship

Empty Nest Puppy Problem

My empty nest experience was a traumatic one, therefore we got a dog.

George is my puppy. He’s a chorkie.

George is not a yapper – he never barks at anything or anybody…

Unless, that is, they won’t play with him.

So, every night before we go to sleep, George is allowed in our bed for a little play time, the equivalent of a bedtime story, I suppose.

George has come to expect these bedtime play times, and when they get cut short, he AIN’T happy!

Have a great day!

Leave a comment

Filed under animals, Humor