Category Archives: Humor

Missing Mr. Monkey

I don’t know about you, but I miss Mr. Monkey. It has been a long time since I made a video with him, and how sad is that? I mean, here I am with an iPhone with all the video-making power one needs (along with iMovie), and nothing…sad.

But part of the problem is a lack of ideas. Writer’s block is easy to overcome – just start writing. But movie-making block is a different story altogether; one has to plan.

So, could you help me? First, you can click on the archive tab above and find links to previous Monday Monkey videos, and that should give you an idea what I’m capable of (and those videos were all done on an iPhone 5s, not my 7!). Then, suggest something. Give me some ideas.

Yes, life is serious, I’m an adult, and there are more important things in life than making movies with a 30-year-old puppet monkey.

But God invented humor. And if He invented it and even used it Himself a time or two, I see no reason why we who are “sober and vigilant” can’t use it for God’s glory.

Leave me some suggestions for plot lines or situations in the comment section below. If I choose your idea (or if it inspires me to do something else), then I’ll send you a signed photo of Mr. Monkey and me!

…OK, you don’t have to accept the photo, but it’s available if you want it. Unless we break the camera ūüėČ

The above photo is nearly 10 years old. Mr. Monkey hasn’t changed a bit!

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Filed under Humor, Monday Monkey, Uncategorized

Things I Learned Before, During, and After My Daughter’s Surgery

The Surgery

This post was Katie-approved.

On Friday my middle daughter, Katie, underwent surgery to have her gallbladder removed. We appreciated all your prayers and well-wishes.

This morning (Saturday), as I sit here typing, Katie is across the room utilizing the recliner that was supposed to bring me joy and comfort after my rotator cuff surgery – it didn’t. I’m glad it’s helping her.

Hopefully and prayerfully…and please continue to pray for her…Katie will be up and going much better by tomorrow. However, I have my concerns.

Things I Learned

Katie is as unique as they come; there’s no one like her. She is uber sweet, persistently¬†positive, the sunshine in a dark room, and the one person for whom saying “It’s my pleasure” when serving customers at Chick-fil-A is not good enough…she says, “It’s my sincerest pleasure!”

But Katie is also the least pain-tolerant person I know, and she hates needles with a passing-out passion. Therefore, anyone who gives her pain, or allows pain to persist, is likely to be served something other than chicken.

So, in bullet-pointed fashion, here are some things I learned on the way to the hospital, before Katie’s surgery, during Katie’s surgery, and after Katie’s surgery, including the first day of recovery.

On the way to the hospital…

  • Maintaining a positive attitude is a good thing.
  • Maintaining unrealistic expectations is a bad thing.
  • Doctors and hospitals are always running behind, so it’s no use stressing; you’re gonna be late to check in – laugh about it.
  • Make sure you bring a gender-appropriate bag in which you will be responsible for lugging around 25 pounds of clothing, books, snacks, and phone chargers while moving from room to room. A grown, masculine man can grow weary of “nice purse” comments when the virtual suitcase in which the items are packed is pink.

At the hospital…

  • If you’re going to make use of the free valet parking, make sure all your important¬†items are secure or on your person before giving your keys to a guy with questionable hygiene.
  • It is possible for a nurse to think you’re a different patient, take you to the wrong room, prep you for a different surgery, all before asking if your name is the same as on the chart she’s looking at. Instead of having her gallbladder removed, Katie almost got a colonoscopy!

Pre-Surgery

  • Pray a lot, then just trust God to handle everything.
  • Remember that sweet smile; it may be a while before it comes back.
  • Don’t say “goodbye” as they wheel you away to be cut on.
  • Boyfriends have a tendency to hog the visitation time.

During Surgery – the Waiting Time

  • Bring your own food to nibble on, or else take out a loan to eat.
  • One must take the initiative to make new pots of coffee in the waiting room – the staff doesn’t care to drink tar.
  • Taking a book to read is a great thing, but be prepared for distractions… like worthless morning shows blaring on the waiting-room television, or visitors who don’t understand that one of the reasons you went along with the whole surgery thing is that you knew it would give you a couple of hours to get some guilt-free reading done.
  • Hosptial Wi-Fi is crappy.

Post-Surgery Recovery

  • Those intolerant to pain are nearly impossible to comfort.
  • Uber-sweet, godly little girls who are intolerant to pain may surprise those in the room with their¬†intimate knowledge of vulgarity.
  • Dad visitation privilages trump boyfriend visitation privileges.

First Day of Recovery

  • Calories don’t matter when making breakfast – at least for the ones NOT recovering.
  • Whiny, pain-intolerant people can get on your nerves, but you have to love them anyway – just keep giving them pain pills.
  • All it takes is one abdominal surgery to make an opinionated young woman reevaluate her beliefs on birth control and her desire to have children.
  • My first grandchild from Katie will probably be Chinese or Korean.

Again, thanks for your prayers and well-wishes. If nothing else, I learned a few things.

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Filed under current events, General Observations, Humor, Life Lessons, Struggles and Trials

My Music Video for Valentine’s Day

A few years ago I wrote this song, Try Me, for my wife, Valerie. The day before yesterday (Feb. 12) was her birthday, and today is Valentine’s Day (the holiday she was named after), so I thought it would be appropriate to break out this older post (from 2012) featuring Mr. Monkey.

By the way, since I couldn’t afford actresses and actors, and since Wal-Mart wouldn’t let me do a video in their store, I decided to just draw my own music video.

If you’d like for me to perform this song at your next party, just give me a call ūüôā

“Try Me”

Oh, by the way, my song IS protected under copyright laws, even though James Brown had a song by the same title back in the 1950’s.

 

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Filed under General Observations, Humor, Monday Monkey, music, Relationships and Family

Rainy Sundays, and What God Evidently Needs to Know

Rain Rain Go Away

Photo credit: Haley Baker

Well, according to the weatherman (or as Canadian PM Trudeau might say “Weatherperson”), it’s going to be a rainy Sunday. But doesn’t God realize rain on Sunday is a bad idea?

I mean, seriously, with the documented decline in church attendance, you’d think God would know better, right? Why does He choose to place such a heavy burden on the faithful? Why does he choose to put their health and lives at risk by covering the roads with slippery precipitation¬†(rain)?

Maybe its a simple case of miscommunication. Maybe the One who covers the sky with clouds and prepares rain for the earth (Psalm 147:8) should be better informed.

Informative Prayer

So, in an effort to help my fellow brothers and sisters, I’m going to put together a bullet-pointed list of issues that must be addressed if God wants to get more people out of their¬†houses and into His house on a rainy Sunday.

Let us intercede for each other as we take the following concerns before the throne of He who calms the stormy seas. Would you pray with me?

Dear Heavenly Father, Maker of Heaven and Earth, Mighty God,

  • It’s too hard for us to wake up in the morning when it’s raining; you make our beds too comfortable. Yes, we know we can get up and go to work when it’s storming, but we’ve got to do that – it’s expected of us. However, church is a choice, and you make it much too difficult.
  • You love a “cheerful giver,” but it’s too hard for us to wake up “cheerful” without sunshine. How can the church pay its bills if we’re not there to cheerfully give our $5 bills? You need us.
  • You say it’s a sin to be presumptuous (Psalm 19:13; 2 Peter 2:10), so why would you want us to presume your angels are going to keep us safe on these wet roads? If Jesus wouldn’t jump off the top of the temple, then is it wise for us to leap into traffic? Of course not!
  • And, Lord, we feel we must remind you of something: We are not Jesus. Not even close. So, please understand, walking on water and hydroplaning are not the same thing.

Amen.

Now, if you actually did pray the above prayer, you need more than church Рyou need Jesus.

The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land. O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker. – Psalm 95:5-6

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Filed under Christian Maturity, Christianity, Church, Humor, Weather

Resolutions to Avoid in 2018

Just for the fun of it…and maybe as a reminder to myself…I created a list resolutions…

A list of resolutions to AVOID… at all cost.

In other words, if you resolve to do the following, you may not live through 2018 (not in good shape, at least).

10 Resolutions to Avoid in 2018

1. I resolve to leave the seat up every time I go to the toilet as a sign of my manly rights.

2. I resolve never to say I’m sorry – unless I mean it, of course.

3. I resolve to read the Bible only when it’s projected on the big screen, and only on Sunday mornings, provided there’s enough free coffee and muffins beforehand.

4. I resolve never to waste any more food, especially that last donut or piece of pecan pie.

5. I resolve to limit my prayer time to blessings over food, when called upon at church, and the next time the cell phone bill is due.

6. I resolve to be more trusting of the government.

7. I resolve to spend more time at work and less time with my family.

8. I resolve to change my spouse’s mind, or else.

9. I resolve to keep more to myself and avoid other people.

10. I resolve to keep everything exactly the way it is right now.

So, what do you think? Are there any you would like to add?

 

 

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Filed under Christian Living, current events, Future, General Observations, Humor

5 Signs You Should Find A New Church

I love me a little satire now and then (along with strong pain pills – but that’s a different subject).

The following “5 Signs” are from the brilliant satirists over at Babylon Bee. Enjoy. I’m going to lie down.http://babylonbee.com/news/5-signs-find-new-church/

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Filed under Church, Humor

The Devolution of Society as Evidenced By the Gender of a Singer

This morning I stopped by a Hardee’s to get a biscuit for breakfast. Upon walking in, I heard a familiar Christmas song – one that I actually like – being played.

Let It Snow

But what has society become when a woman is the one singing this song? Is there no more chivalry in the world?

That’s right, a female was singing: “When we finally kiss goodnight, how I hate going out in the storm. But if you really hold me tight, all the way home I’ll be warm.”

What kind of jerk would sit there by the fireplace, continue to watch It’s a Wonderful Life, and let his girlfriend walk home in a blizzard? Is there no decency left? Can she not find someone better than this?

So, I drew the following illustration on my phone.

Ladies – you know who you are – leave “Let It Snow” for the guys to sing. Western Civilization is at stake.

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Filed under Christmas, General Observations, Humor, Uncategorized, Weather