Category Archives: Humor
I don’t know who was the first one to start doing this, but I know I was doing it before I saw others do it better. Yes, I think it was I who did the first daily devotionals live on Facebook.
I could be mistaken.
Nevertheless, a while back I started trying to stay in contact with my home-bound and home-sheltered congregation. A few people have become regular watchers.
Upping the Ante
Well, now I’m upping the ante a little bit. I starting a new series called “The Selahs of Psalms: Something to Think About.”
But, instead of sitting in my office or on my front porch glider, this time I opted for a tuxedo and a baby grand Yamaha – and a musical performance. Yeah, right.
And, I am giving away a huge $10 gift certificate to a local Mexican restaurant.
It’s getting real, folks. It’s getting really real.
Oh, and if you remember, years ago Liberace would say, “I wish my brother George was here.” Well, my dog George joined me in the beginning of the video.
It’s Friday, and I know you all are looking forward to a wonderful weekend, especially those of you (and us) in Georgia who are looking forward to slowly getting back to work.
Well, as most of you know, I don’t drive a school bus anymore, but years of driving left me with some stories – OH, the stories!
Here’s one that might bring a smile to your face – and help you explain the “birds and the bees” to your kids.
The following story is from a few years ago.
If you didn’t know by now (I don’t know how you wouldn’t), I am a mild-mannered school bus driver by day…I can’t tell you about what I do at night – it’s top secret.
Because I drive a school bus, I am privy to many things children will talk about when not around teachers or parents (they seem to think I can’t hear – I’m too focused on the road, you know). Most of what they talk about is mundane and full of drama (especially with the girls), but sometimes their conversations DEMAND that I insert my two cents.
However, it is rare to hear my elementary kids (grades K-5) talk about “the birds and the bees,” especially when the words they use are ones like “egg,” “sperm,” etc. Therefore, what was discussed today was destined to be turned into a blog post.
Not Supposed to Know
I was just driving, looking ahead at the road, when a 5th-grade girl (let’s call her “Sue”) sitting in a seat right behind me uttered the words “sperm,” “egg,” and “sex” in the same string of words. I am only assuming the string of words were put together in the form of a sentence, but the key words stood out above the rest she used. Immediately my eyes looked up to the rear-view mirror.
“Blah blah sex blah blah blah sperm and egg, blah blah blah, isn’t that right?” Sue asked a male student across the aisle from her.
Looking at Sue’s reflection in my student mirror, with a combined look of shock and inquisitiveness, I asked, “What in the world are y’all talking about?”
“Oh…yeah…we’ve been learning stuff in 5th grade…probably stuff we shouldn’t know at our age,” Sue replied. Then she called upon a 5th-grade boy (let’s call him Jack) and asked, “Isn’t that right, Jack? Tell Mr. Baker what we were learning about in class.”
Like a typical boy with little on his mind, Jack at first responded with a “Huh?” Then he went on to say, “Yeah, we talked about sex, and where babies come from, and all that.”
“And eggs and sperm, right?” Sue continued.
“Oh, yeah, that too,” Jack confirmed.
“Well,” I said, shaking my head, “you’re probably right…you’re too young for that stuff.”
“And a…a….a….” Sue stuttered, trying to complete a word.
“Asexual?” I questioned, attempting to complete the word she was trying to remember.
“Yeah! Asexual! We learned about being asexual, too,” Sue replied.
So, as you see, I was drawn into a conversation that grown-ups dread, especially when it comes to dealing with little kids that are not your own. Therefore, taking charge of the discussion, I immediately began to extend my wisdom on the subject.
“So, you know what asexual is, then?” I asked.
“Yes,” sue replied.
“Well, that’s what you should be…asexual,” I said. Sue tilted her head with suspicion.
“Yep, that’s what you need to be – asexual. That means you don’t need a boy; you don’t need to date anyone; you don’t need any of that – just have babies all by yourself, or cut off your arm and in no time you have another you, just like a starfish. Simple.”
“I don’t think that’s the way it works, Mr. Baker,” said an incredulous Sue. Then she looked at Jack and asked, “What wrong?”
Jack, looking a little sad, then said, “I don’t want to be asexual…I don’t like asexual. That makes me sad.” Then he stepped off the bus.
Cabbages On a Tray
With a serious, yet “no duh” look I caught Sue’s eye in the above mirror and asked, “Do you really want to know where babies come from?”
“Sure. Where?” replied Sue.
I explained it this way…
You see, first of all, all that stuff you see on TV, all that stuff in the movies…especially that Rated-R stuff…all of that is fake; don’t believe it. All that stuff you see them doing is not real; men and women don’t really do all of that.
Secondly, I have kids, so I know about these things. That whole “Stork” thing…that’s made up, too.
Here’s the truth, OK? What happens is when a woman has a baby, she goes to the hospital to get it. She goes to a really nice, expensive room, where she gets really comfortable and waits around a while. They put her on a bed, lean her back, and then cover her up with a blanket, making sure she has everything she needs. Then, at some point, the doctors and nurses roll in a cart with a big tray on it. On that big tray is a bunch of cabbages.
What happens is when they roll in that tray full of cabbages, the woman is then given one choice, one cabbage, to pick. She picks the cabbage she wants, then they turn it over. Whatever baby is under that cabbage is the one she gets, the one she has to take home.
That’s where babies come from. You understand, now?
“Cabbages, huh?” asked Sue, her lips snarled up to one corner of her face.
“Oh, and Sue,” I said, as I was approaching her stop, “this means if your mom wants to have another baby, she doesn’t need another husband, either.”
Sue looked at me, head tilted, with a look on her freckled face that screamed “this oughta be good,” and then asked, “Oh, really?”
“Absolutely!” I exclaimed. Knowing Sue’s mom is divorced, I went on to explain, “If she wants another baby, all she needs to do is call down to the hospital and order a tray of cabbages, and they’ll get one ready for her. Then she can just pick.”
Stepping down the stairs after the bus came to a stop at her street corner, Sue looked back at me with a smile and said, “Cabbages, huh? Have a great day, Mr. Baker…see you tomorrow.”
And THAT is how a bus driver explains the birds and the bees.
I wrote this back in 2016 before I actually became a grandfather. Emma Louise and I haven’t had any real conversations, as of yet. But when we do… mmwwaahahahaa!
I’m not a grandfather, but I act like one. You know, the kind of old guy that says what he want to say when he wants to say it, then blames others for not understanding his wisdom? That’s me. I’m an up-and-coming codger.
Grandfathers are also notorious/famous for telling tall tales, embellishing the facts, and leaving grandkids confused about actual historical events. Of course, the point of those stories is to keep a kid’s attention for more than 30 seconds; the straight truth can be boring at times.
So, even though I’m not literally a grandpa, I play one on the school bus. It keeps me entertained.
Many times on Facebook I share short little conversations I’ve had with children on the bus (they say the darnedest things, you know). However, today I’m skipping Facebook and going straight to the blog.
I’m sure all of you are gonna hate me after you read this.
Me: Good morning.
5th Grade Boy: Good morning.
Me: How are you feeling today? You holding up?
Boy: What? Yeah, I’m ok. Why?
Me: I mean, it must be pretty hard; I heard the bad news.
Boy: What bad news?
Me: About your goldfish dying.
Boy: What? I don’t have a fish. At least not anymore. I haven’t had a fish in a long time.
Me: So it died.
Boy: I don’t know. I guess.
Me: Well I’m proud of you for taking it so well.
Boy: Uh, OK.
Me: And I heard about your cat, too. That was horrible.
Boy: Huh? What about my cat? Nothing happened to the cat.
Me: Well, I heard it died in a horrible freak lawnmower accident. I know that must be hard on you.
Boy: What? My cat didn’t die in a lawnmower accident! He just ran away.
Me: OK. If that’s what they tell you. You believe that.
Boy: Guess what!? (says the boy to another kid in a seat beside him) I had a cat die in a freak lawnmower accident! Cool, huh??
I pity my grandchildren [actually, my granddaughter], don’t you?
Looking for Leadership?
Has your church congregation been looking for a pastor? If so, you’re not alone; many churches, large and small, are in a crisis of leadership these days.
And now that congregations of every size, because of COVID-19, are prohibited to meet, it’s got to be even more difficult for churches without pastors to find one. After all, would you really want to watch his trial sermon on Facebook Live?
Nevertheless, when Cyrus the Virus finally lets God’s people return to their respective temples, be aware that there is a quick way you can start narrowing down the resumes: Make sure the man is bald.
Below is a list of seven (7) reasons bald men make better pastors.
WARNING: The following list works best with complementarian congregations. Bald egalitarian pastors tend to imitate Brittany Spears or Sinéad O’Connor, which can contribute to reduced membership and fewer riders on the float in the Gay Pride parade.
7 Reasons Why Bald Pastors Are Better
- A bald pastor never has to go to a barber or hair salon. Why is this a good thing? He can save anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars a year, thereby reducing the need to pay a higher salary. Also, a manly pastor should never set foot inside a hair salon.
- Bald pastors are more hygienic. “And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he [is] bald; [yet is] he clean.” – Leviticus 13:40
- Bald is a sign of leadership. As it has been said before, “The reason some men are bald is that they have their heads out the window driving this planet.” Bald pastors aren’t afraid to lead through the storms of life…unless they wear a wig.
- Bald pastors have more brains. Seminary is helpful, but pastors without hair have already demonstrated that their brains have left no room for follicles.
- Bald pastors never get into disagreements with dissenters. Just think, no church fights; no church splits; no angry deacons or pushy purse-string holders! No, God just sends bears down from the woods…problems solved. And you get a circus-like act for free (2 Kings 2:23-24)!
- Bald is beautiful! Isaiah 52:7 declares, “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings…” And since God only shows off the more perfect of His cranial creations, why not hire the complete beauty package? Beautiful from head to toe!
- Church buildings remain safe. Just think, having a bald pastor means never having to worry about his righteous indignation turning into a Samson-like catastrophe (which, of course, could drastically reduce insurance costs).
Quarantines and the culture of social distancing can take their toll, so…
Be thankful for your bald pastor, but even MORE if he has a sense of humor!
Many of you may not have been alive when Ronald Reagan was President of the United States. I’m sad for you. He was a great leader and a great man.
When dealing with the Soviets, he wanted peace, but he also knew they being honest and transparent wasn’t a Russian characteristic. Therefore, when people wondered how we would be able to take the communists at their word when they said they would reduce their nuclear warheads, President Reagan wisely advised, “Trust, but verify.”
In others words, instead of telling the Russians we didn’t trust them (which is bad for relationships), Reagan essentially said, “Oh, I trust you! But things happen, so… Can you show us those pictures one more time?”
So, as I was standing in the shower this morning, my dear wife, Valerie, peaked through the curtain and looked at my face with pity. She had just read the article that debunked the claim that the CDC said men should shave their beards during this COVID-19 crisis.
With the look of a sad puppy, Valerie tried to encourage me, I guess: “Maybe you should have checked the sources before listening to Facebook, huh?”
Standing there with shower water dripping off my naked face, I replied, “YOU were the one who told me the CDC had recommended it! NOT Facebook.”
“Wellllllll,” said Valerie, slowly enough to give her time to formulate a response. “Maybe you start verifying your wife’s sources before you go and do something like this.”
It’s always the man’s fault, isn’t it?
OK, so my thought was that if it had to be done, why not have fun doing it? Therefore, I took my iPhone into the bathroom and documented the process of shaving off what made me look smarter than I am.
After you watch it, tell me what you think of my impressions!
My Bare Feet
Alicia, our oldest daughter, commented on Facebook to a lady in our church, “That’s a confident man posting pictures of his feet!!!!” And she’s correct.
There are other aspects of my body image of which I’m not too proud. For example, before I cringed at the weight blinking at me on my new scale, I had to lean over the energy reserve I’ve accumulated over many years.
But when it comes to my feet, even my lovely wife and daughters are jealous. I’m not even joking. They have to worry about callouses, the hair on their toes, missing toenails (due to a tractor accident), and whether or not the color of the polish matches their shoes.
My feet are just beautiful (handsome) the way they are. I don’t even need to keep them moisturized; they’re naturally baby-soft.
But if you are the type that needs special help to keep your feet looking beautiful, here are four simple beauty tips that will keep the podiatrist away:
- Soak them periodically. Not too long, or they will end up dry and cracked.
- Exfoliate once a week. Remove dead skin cells with abrasives.
- Wear proper shoes. Improper shoes contribute to body aches and sore feet.
- Don’t walk in the dark without a flashlight. A badly-stumped toe can not only ruin your day but lead to life-long issues.
Some people aren’t blessed with naturally healthy, attractive, baby-soft feet, so it’s important to take the necessary steps to achieve beautiful results.
Some of you could care less about your feet. You probably don’t even care if they stink, have nails poking through your socks, or leave painful abrasions on your spouse in the middle of the night.
But what about preachers? Are you a preacher? If you are a Christian, and if you are one that cares about telling others about Jesus, then yes, you are! What does Scripture say about your feet?
“… as it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!” – Romans 10:15b
If you are preaching the gospel, sharing your faith with the lost, your feet are already beautiful! “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings . . . that sayeth unto Zion, ‘Thy God reigneth!'” (Isaiah 52:7).
However, when you walk around a lot, especially in this world, your feet will need some attention in order to stay beautiful. Here are four simple beauty tips that will keep you in tippytoe-top shape for tiding telling.
- Soak them periodically.
[When thou saidst], Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. – Psa. 27:8
My heart heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.” – NLT
- Exfoliate once a week.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. – Psa. 57:1
- Wear the proper shoes.
And [have] your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; – Eph. 6:15
- Don’t walk in the dark without a light.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. – Psa. 119:105
Just remember, lots of people are counting on you being able to get around. Those longing for the Good News will think even the most unattractive feet are beautiful when you “bring glad tidings of good things.”
But if you don’t take advantage of the above beauty tips, not only will you feel self-conscious and shy, but your mistreated, crusty, aching, bruised feet will keep you at home when you should “go tell it on the mountain.”
Don’t be pedi-ful. Be beautiful!
Note: Middle-aged foot model looking for work. Goes by the professional name of Arch Healy.
I posted the following video on YouTube and Facebook, but I just had to share it with you guys.
George is my little buddy 🙂
Have you ever had a song that you couldn’t get out of your head? Sometimes they’re so bad you’d think Myley Cyrus had written them just to give you bad dreams.
Then there are those strange, twisted, dementedly sick videos from Billie Eilish. Good grief! I don’t advise watching them, not unless you want to stain your brain.
What’s a person supposed to do when they listen to or watch something perverted or sick that determines to repeat over and over in your mind? How do you get rid of it?
The first thing you can do – and this is the most preferred option – is listen to some good Christian music that uplifts the name of Jesus as it lifts you out of the mire of Myley’s musings. I recommend the following (with links provided):
- Building 429
- Christ Tomlin
- The Mountain Faith Band
- The Petersons
- Katie Marie
- Nicole C. Mullins
- Teddy Huffem and the Gems
- “So Will I” by Hillsong United
OR, if you’re really desperate, you can watch this video and listen to this song I wrote and recorded. Listen to it a couple of times, then sing along. It will drown out any memory of the typical soul-polluting garbage on the radio.
If you keep repeating it in your head, over and over, it might even drown out the “Baby Shark” nightmares.
This morning I want to send a shout out to all my Canadian friends. Hey guys!
When I go to the stats page, I find more visits from you polite Canadians than any other country besides the States!
That’s awesome, eh?
So, you friendly maple leafs (leaves?), why not leave a comment and tell us what God is doing in the Great White North? Is there still a French problem?
One of my favorite movie quotes of all time… “No point in steering now.” LOL!
Thanks for your syrup, your kindness, and for reading my blog!
Seriously, God bless you!
(and the Doug and Bob vids were in love, not meant to offend)
I want to express my sincerest condolences to the people of Canada, along with an apology. When I first published this post, I was not aware of the Canadian connection to the downed airliner in Iran (I do not have live TV). Had I known that in advance, I would not have published the silly stereotype videos, but would have kept things more serious.
Again, my apologies for not knowing sooner, and my condolences to the families and your nation.