Category Archives: Humor

The REAL Snow Man and Richard Dawkins


Here is just another example of insight into the human psyche I gained while driving a school bus. Enjoy!

The Setting

One morning, after picking up several young children, one little boy – a kindergartener –  began to sing one of his most favorite songs…”Let It Go.

Another little boy who was sitting next to him, a second-grader, began pleading with him to stop, after which he begged me to intervene. I couldn’t help it – I had to……let it go, let it go!

The Conversation

The younger boy (Boy 1) was singing the theme song from Frozen, to which the older boy (Boy 2) responded with his own lyrics: “Shuh-uht up! Shuh-uht up! I don’t want you to sing anymo-oh-ore!

An illustration of mine from "Life Lessons from the School Bus"

An illustration of mine from the book Life Lessons from the School Bus.

Me:  What’s wrong? Don’t you like Frozen?

Boy 2:  NO! It’s a stupid movie!

Me:  What, you don’t like singing snowmen? What about Frosty the Snowman?

Boy 2:  I like Frosty, but he was real! Somebody put a hat on him and he started moving.

Me:  So, you don’t like Olaf?

Boy 2:  I like him, OK, but he’s not real…not like Frosty.

Seriously, if I made this stuff up it wouldn’t be as funny.

Sorta Like…

You know, the above story is sort of like arguments adults have. One particular argument that comes to mind is the one about where life on earth came from (I know the analogy isn’t perfect, but I hope you get the point).

Man 1:  I love to sing about Creation! “Oh Lord my God, when I in awestruck wonder, consider all the worlds Thy hands have made!

Man 2:  Stop it! I don’t want to hear all that nonsense! Sing something else, or sing nothing at all.

Man 1:  But I want to sing! “Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee. ‘How great thou Art! How great Thou art!

Man 2:  STOP IT! I don’t want to hear it! God is NOT great! God is NOT great! He doesn’t even exist!

Man 1:  Yes, He does! And because He created me and gave me life, I want to give Him praise.

Man 2:  Oh, give me a break! I love life as much as anyone, if not more, but I’m not going to praise your God for it!

Man 1:  Oh, really? You believe that human life evolved from something that came from nothing? Do you really want to sing praises to nothingness?

Man 2:  Don’t be silly! Haven’t you ever heard of panspermia?

Man 1:  Uh, no. Not really.

Man 2:  You simpleton! You naive worshipper of a mythical fairy-god! You’re nothing but a slave to a worthless, iron-age book of man-made fiction. Life on earth didn’t evolve from nothing; it was planted here by intelligent life from beyond, from outer space.

Man 1:  Right! You mean God?

Man 2:  No! You idiot! Aliens!

Man 1:  Huh? But…

Man 2:  Shut up! I don’t want to hear any more of your foolishness! God is not real; aliens are!


If you think the above was hyperbole (an over-the-top exaggeration), you’ve evidently never watched the video of the famous atheist Dr. Richard Dawkins. 

Click on the link and try not to laugh.

(Video of Richard Dawkins defending the theory of panspermia: the theory that alien intelligent life, not a Creator God, placed life on this planet.)

Umm…OK…  Let it go! Let it go!

“Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.” – Hebrews 11:3

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Filed under Aliens, Apologetics, Humor

10 Tips for Having a GREAT Monday, EVERY Monday!

Good Morning!

This morning I was blessed to wake up to the smell toast, sausage, and eggs. To that I added the aroma of fresh-ground coffee. After that, I went outside to see if any rain had gotten into my car through the blanket I’d shut in the driver-side door because the window wouldn’t roll up. I petted George, got dressed after a hot shower, and let my wife drive me to the office.

Monday’s are normally my day off. However, because of some things going on this Friday, I felt it better to make this a work day. But that’s OK! It’s still a great day! I’m actually looking forward to completing the list in front of me!

But not everyone knows how to have a great Monday. Therefore, just for you, I’m sharing 10 tips that will help you have a great Monday, not only today, but EVERY Monday 😉

10 Tips for Having a GREAT Monday!

  1. Wake up. Yeah, I know this might sound like a given, but some people have the habit of sleeping through the whole day just to avoid it. Don’t do it! Wake up! Seize it, brutha!
  2. Don’t check the news, Facebook, or Twitter till at least lunchtime. Listen, I am an information junkie, even a smartphone addict, so I understand the hankering to tap those colorful little icons – just don’t do it today (Monday). If war has broken out, you will find out through other means; you don’t need to click on Fox or CNN or Yahoo News. If you got comments and likes in the middle of the night, don’t worry – Facebook will keep them on ice for you.
    The only things you need to check before 7 a.m. are watches eBay that might sell cheap in the next few minutes and WordPress stats.
  3. Pray before you pee. I’m serious about this, folks. If you get out of bed and go to your earthly throne room first, it won’t be long before you forget about checking in with the Heavenly Throne room. Even if you have to tell Jesus: “Lord, I want to thank you for another day to serve you and bring you glory, but I will talk with you about some other stuff just after I get through in the bathroom,” do that. I’d rather you acknowledge your creator first than forget to thank the One who gave you Monday.
  4. Eat whatever you want for breakfast. I mean, hey, it’s Monday…just eat something and get on with it. You already have enough stuff on you plate to make you dread Monday, so why not make Monday-morning breakfast something to which you look forward? Pancakes, Fruity Pebbles, donuts, cake, pie, pizza, chocolate gravy and biscuits, cookies, waffles, and pure sugar are all legitimate options. Just make sure you include coffee.
  5. Read your Bible. Look, even if you don’t want to sit down with your leather-bound KJV or your plastic-covered NIV, find some way to consume the Bread of Life before your day gets going – you’re already going to be eating enough junk.
  6. Wake up to a catchy song for your alarm. If you have a smart phone that wakes you up, and if you can set your alarm to be a song, download Gloria Estefan’s “Conga” and shake your body out of the bed. It works! seriously!
  7. Tell your spouse you love her/him before you leave the house. Believe me, it makes for a better Monday… or Tuesday… or Wednesday… etc.
  8. Plan a God hunt. What is a God hunt, you ask? Determine that even though Monday’s can be depressing, determine to look for God working in some way. Make a game of it! See if you can beat last Monday’s record.
  9. Don’t forget to brush your teeth. Bad breath will guarantee a bad day. Wishing you’d remembered to brush your teeth will aggravate you all day. So, don’t forget.
  10. Don’t dress in the dark. Yes, if you want to have a GREAT Monday, make sure your clothes match before you head out for the day. Either that, or ask your spouse how you look.

BONUS: Don’t let your wife ask you how she looks; there is no way to have a good day once that happens.

There you have it! Hope these tips help!

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Filed under General Observations, Humor, wisdom

Hitting the Brakes

Lots of Deer

If there is one thing about living down here in middle Georgia, it is the abundance of deer. Rumor has it, if you’ve never destroyed at least one vehicle by hitting a deer, then you’re probably in cahoots with them.

No joke, on any given evening there are so many deer out nibbling road-side grass and conversing with each other across the street that it’s nearly impossible to travel a quarter-mile without seeing several.

To give you just one example, last night I was driving home from a neighboring town and saw (there could have been more) 13 deer on an 8-mile stretch of road. I saw probably double that amount on the previous twenty. That’s a LOT of deer!

Locked Down for Deer

All this talk about deer leads no leads me to the story I want to tell you about last night’s trip home.

Like I said, last night there were a lot of four-legged bumper bashers getting reacquainted in the moonlight. Because of this, I was very careful to maintain a slower speed – even slower than the speed limit – in order to give me a longer reaction time.

All of a sudden I saw a family of 4 or 5 (it could have been a club, a harem, or a dance crew…I don’t know) standing and facing each other from both sides of the two-lane road. Then, after a quick glance at me, then back at his/her crew, then back at me the dear decided that the best time to cross the road was right at the very moment I was passing him.

Incidentally, cats do the same thing. They wait until the very last second to cross the street right in front of you. Why do they do that? Why can’t they just wait till we pass? Why does it have to be RIGHT THEN?? It’s like for some reason they think they will never have another chance ever again – EVER!

“Now! Do it NOW, Puss!” cries a flea-bitten rat chaser from across the road. Puss sees the bright lights approaching and realizes he’s already on his 8th life – he can’t die on this side of the road, not tonight! There’s more life to be lived and lost on the other side with Kitten, Mitten, and Tabbytha. So, terrified and desperate, with all the speed he can muster Puss bounds across the street to meet up with his friends and lovers.

But I was no dummy, I tell you! I could tell what Bambi was about to do, so I applied pressure to my brake peddle. Then, just as I expected, he waited until almost the last second to jump in front of me!

I stood on my brake peddle and the 2-ton 1995 Mercury Grand Marquis’ anti-lock brakes did their job flawlessly.

And everything in my front and rear seats, including everything UNDER my seats, came to the front floor of my car.

That’s when I made a surprising discovery! I found my lost coffee mug!

Sudden Blessings

What’s the moral of the story? It’s pretty simple, really.

Sometimes it takes a sudden, unplanned, emergency-slamming-on-of-the-brakes kind of stop to help us find things we thought were lost forever. 

I’m thankful I didn’t hit that stupid deer. But I’m also thankful that I now have my favorite mug back on my desk and doing its job.

All it took was hitting the brakes for just a moment, slowing down, and re-evaluating the circumstances, such as was this trip really necessary?

Have a great day, guys! Be safe. Stay faithful.
Anthony

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Filed under animals, Humor, Life Lessons

You Might Be a Sinner If…

(L-R) My paternal great grandfather and grandfather.


I’m a Redneck

Yes, I confess. I am a redneck, especially considering how burned my neck is after standing out in the sun for five+ hours. Which leads me to ask a question of myself…why do I never remember sun screen unless I go to a beach?

And I also know that I am a redneck because Jeff Foxworthy told me so. If you remember, Foxworthy’s comic routine made famous the line, “You might be a redneck.” Here are some that I know have applied to me at least once over the 50-plus years of my life.

You might be a redneck if…

  • You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
  • Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  • Directions to your house include “Turn off the  paved road.”
  • Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a  flashlight.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.

I’m a Sinner

Unlike a whole lot of people in this world (and in a world of their own), I can admit that I am a sinner. The only difference is that once I confessed my inability to change my nature, I traded my “filthy rags” for the imputed righteousness of Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:9). Now, I’m still a sinner, but I’m am a saved sinner.

So, based on the actions of Adam and Eve in the third chapter of Genesis, I took a cue from Jeff Foxworthy and came up with my own list of “you might be’s.” From that list I preached a message entitled “You Might Be a Sinner If…

You might be a sinner if…

  •   You have ever talked to a Serpent – and taken its advice (v. 2).
  •   You know the difference between “Naked” and “Necked” (v. 7). Side Note: If you consider fig leaves appropriate attire, you might be a sinner.
  •  You feel like running when the law shows up (v. 8).
  •  God is searching for you, and not the other way around (v. 9).
  •  You feel self-conscious or defensive about anything you’ve ever done (v. 9-10).
  •  You ever play the “blame game” – Others, “The devil made me do it” (v. 11-13).
  •  You were born (Romans 5:12).

Change of Status

Some people try on their own to change their status in life. Sometimes rednecks move away from Redneckville in order to become a different person. But what they find out is that Redneckville never left their heart. They still have those same desires to grill Spam and fish with dynamite.

In the same way, many people think, once they finally realize they are sinners, that change can come with a simple change of atmosphere, or the turning over of a new fig leaf.

The fact is that sinners don’t become “saints” on their own. It takes outside intervention.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9

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Filed under Christian Living, Christian Maturity, clothing, Humor, Preaching, salvation, self-worth

Wise Wisdom from a Woman-Wise Wise Man

Katie, Valerie, Alicia, and Haley

“As a married man grows old, particularly one with several daughters, he doesn’t lose his mind; he just acquires the feminine ability to randomly change it.” – A. Baker

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Filed under Family, Humor, Marriage, Relationships and Family, wisdom

Selah: Pausing to Think About It

Daily Devotionals

I don’t know who was the first one to start doing this, but I know I was doing it before I saw others do it better. Yes, I think it was I who did the first daily devotionals live on Facebook.

I could be mistaken.

Nevertheless, a while back I started trying to stay in contact with my home-bound and home-sheltered congregation. A few people have become regular watchers.

Upping the Ante 

Well, now I’m upping the ante a little bit. I starting a new series called “The Selahs of Psalms: Something to Think About.”

But, instead of sitting in my office or on my front porch glider, this time I opted for a tuxedo and a baby grand Yamaha – and a musical performance. Yeah, right.

And, I am giving away a huge $10 gift certificate to a local Mexican restaurant.

It’s getting real, folks. It’s getting really real.

😉

Oh, and if you remember, years ago Liberace would say, “I wish my brother George was here.” Well, my dog George joined me in the beginning of the video.

 

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Filed under Bible Study, Humor, music

Cabbage: It’s Where Babies Come From

It’s Friday, and I know you all are looking forward to a wonderful weekend, especially those of you (and us) in Georgia who are looking forward to slowly getting back to work.

Well, as most of you know, I don’t drive a school bus anymore, but years of driving left me with some stories – OH, the stories!

Here’s one that might bring a smile to your face – and help you explain the “birds and the bees” to your kids. 

The following story is from a few years ago.


Bus Stories

If you didn’t know by now (I don’t know how you wouldn’t), I am a mild-mannered school bus driver by day…I can’t tell you about what I do at night – it’s top secret.

Because I drive a school bus, I am privy to many things children will talk about when not around teachers or parents (they seem to think I can’t hear – I’m too focused on the road, you know). Most of what they talk about is mundane and full of drama (especially with the girls), but sometimes their conversations DEMAND that I insert my two cents.

However, it is rare to hear my elementary kids (grades K-5) talk about “the birds and the bees,” especially when the words they use are ones like “egg,” “sperm,” etc. Therefore, what was discussed today was destined to be turned into a blog post.

Not Supposed to Know

I was just driving, looking ahead at the road, when a 5th-grade girl (let’s call her “Sue”) sitting in a seat right behind me uttered the words “sperm,” “egg,” and “sex” in the same string of words. I am only assuming the string of words were put together in the form of a sentence, but the key words stood out above the rest she used. Immediately my eyes looked up to the rear-view mirror.

Blah blah sex blah blah blah sperm and egg, blah blah blah, isn’t that right?” Sue asked a male student across the aisle from her.

Looking at Sue’s reflection in my student mirror, with a combined look of shock and inquisitiveness, I asked, “What in the world are y’all talking about?”

“Oh…yeah…we’ve been learning stuff in 5th grade…probably stuff we shouldn’t know at our age,” Sue replied. Then she called upon a 5th-grade boy (let’s call him Jack) and asked, “Isn’t that right, Jack? Tell Mr. Baker what we were learning about in class.”

Like a typical boy with little on his mind, Jack at first responded with a “Huh?” Then he went on to say, “Yeah, we talked about sex, and where babies come from, and all that.”

“And eggs and sperm, right?” Sue continued.

“Oh, yeah, that too,” Jack confirmed.

“Well,” I said, shaking my head, “you’re probably right…you’re too young for that stuff.”

“And a…a….a….” Sue stuttered, trying to complete a word.

Asexual?” I questioned, attempting to complete the word she was trying to remember.

“Yeah! Asexual! We learned about being asexual, too,” Sue replied.

“Asexual” Advice

So, as you see, I was drawn into a conversation that grown-ups dread, especially when it comes to dealing with little kids that are not your own. Therefore, taking charge of the discussion, I immediately began to extend my wisdom on the subject.

“So, you know what asexual is, then?” I asked.

“Yes,” sue replied.

“Well, that’s what you should be…asexual,” I said. Sue tilted her head with suspicion.

“Yep, that’s what you need to be – asexual. That means you don’t need a boy; you don’t need to date anyone; you don’t need any of that –  just have babies all by yourself, or cut off your arm and in no time you have another you, just like a starfish. Simple.”

“I don’t think that’s the way it works, Mr. Baker,” said an incredulous Sue. Then she looked at Jack and asked, “What wrong?”

Jack, looking a little sad, then said, “I don’t want to be asexual…I don’t like asexual. That makes me sad.” Then he stepped off the bus.

Cabbages On a Tray

With a serious, yet “no duh” look I caught Sue’s eye in the above mirror and asked, “Do you really want to know where babies come from?”

“Sure. Where?” replied Sue.

I explained it this way…

You see, first of all, all that stuff you see on TV, all that stuff in the movies…especially that Rated-R stuff…all of that is fake; don’t believe it. All that stuff you see them doing is not real; men and women don’t really do all of that. 

Secondly, I have kids, so I know about these things. That whole “Stork” thing…that’s made up, too. 

Here’s the truth, OK? What happens is when a woman has a baby, she goes to the hospital to get it. She goes to a really nice, expensive room, where she gets really comfortable and waits around a while. They put her on a bed, lean her back, and then cover her up with a blanket, making sure she has everything she needs. Then, at some point, the doctors and nurses roll in a cart with a big tray on it. On that big tray is a bunch of cabbages.

What happens is when they roll in that tray full of cabbages, the woman is then given one choice, one cabbage, to pick. She picks the cabbage she wants, then they turn it over. Whatever baby is under that cabbage is the one she gets, the one she has to take home.

That’s where babies come from. You understand, now?

“Cabbages, huh?” asked Sue, her lips snarled up to one corner of her face.

“Yes. Cabbages.”

“Well, OK.”

“Oh, and Sue,” I said, as I was approaching her stop, “this means if your mom wants to have another baby, she doesn’t need another husband, either.”

Sue looked at me, head tilted, with a look on her freckled face that screamed “this oughta be good,” and then asked, “Oh, really?

“Absolutely!” I exclaimed. Knowing Sue’s mom is divorced, I went on to explain, “If she wants another baby, all she needs to do is call down to the hospital and order a tray of cabbages, and they’ll get one ready for her. Then she can just pick.”

Stepping down the stairs after the bus came to a stop at her street corner, Sue looked back at me with a smile and said, “Cabbages, huh? Have a great day, Mr. Baker…see you tomorrow.”

And THAT is how a bus driver explains the birds and the bees.

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Filed under current events, Humor, Life Lessons, Parenting, wisdom

Messin’ Wid Widdle Minds

I wrote this back in 2016 before I actually became a grandfather. Emma Louise and I haven’t had any real conversations, as of yet. But when we do… mmwwaahahahaa!

Would-be Grandpa

I’m not a grandfather, but I act like one. You know, the kind of old guy that says what he want to say when he wants to say it, then blames others for not understanding his wisdom? That’s me. I’m an up-and-coming codger.

DSC_1390Grandfathers are also notorious/famous for telling tall tales, embellishing the facts, and leaving grandkids confused about actual historical events. Of course, the point of those stories is to keep a kid’s attention for more than 30 seconds; the straight truth can be boring at times.

So, even though I’m not literally a grandpa, I play one on the school bus. It keeps me entertained.

The Conversation

Many times on Facebook I share short little conversations I’ve had with children on the bus (they say the darnedest things, you know). However, today I’m skipping Facebook and going straight to the blog.

I’m sure all of you are gonna hate me after you read this.

Me: Good morning.

5th Grade Boy: Good morning.

Me: How are you feeling today? You holding up?

Boy: What? Yeah, I’m ok. Why?

Me: I mean, it must be pretty hard; I heard the bad news.

Boy: What bad news?

Me: About your goldfish dying.

Boy: What? I don’t have a fish. At least not anymore. I haven’t had a fish in a long time.

Me: So it died.

Boy: I don’t know. I guess.

Me: Well I’m proud of you for taking it so well.

Boy: Uh, OK.

Me: And I heard about your cat, too. That was horrible.

Boy: Huh? What about my cat? Nothing happened to the cat.

Me: Well, I heard it died in a horrible freak lawnmower accident. I know that must be hard on you.

Boy: What? My cat didn’t die in a lawnmower accident! He just ran away.

Me: OK. If that’s what they tell you. You believe that.

         (temporary silence)

Boy: Guess what!? (says the boy to another kid in a seat beside him) I had a cat die in a freak lawnmower accident! Cool, huh??

I pity my grandchildren [actually, my granddaughter], don’t you?

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Filed under Humor

7 Reasons to Choose a Bald Pastor

Looking for Leadership?

Has your church congregation been looking for a pastor? If so, you’re not alone; many churches, large and small, are in a crisis of leadership these days.

And now that congregations of every size, because of COVID-19, are prohibited to meet, it’s got to be even more difficult for churches without pastors to find one. After all, would you really want to watch his trial sermon on Facebook Live?

Nevertheless, when Cyrus the Virus finally lets God’s people return to their respective temples, be aware that there is a quick way you can start narrowing down the resumes: Make sure the man is bald.

Below is a list of seven (7) reasons bald men make better pastors.

WARNING: The following list works best with complementarian congregations. Bald egalitarian pastors tend to imitate Brittany Spears or Sinéad O’Connor, which can contribute to reduced membership and fewer riders on the float in the Gay Pride parade.

7 Reasons Why Bald Pastors Are Better

  1. A bald pastor never has to go to a barber or hair salon. Why is this a good thing? He can save anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars a year, thereby reducing the need to pay a higher salary. Also, a manly pastor should never set foot inside a hair salon.
  2. Bald pastors are more hygienic.  “And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he [is] bald; [yet is] he clean.” – Leviticus 13:40
  3. Bald is a sign of leadership. As it has been said before, “The reason some men are bald is that they have their heads out the window driving this planet.” Bald pastors aren’t afraid to lead through the storms of life…unless they wear a wig.
  4. Bald pastors have more brains. Seminary is helpful, but pastors without hair have already demonstrated that their brains have left no room for follicles.
  5. Bald pastors never get into disagreements with dissenters. Just think, no church fights; no church splits; no angry deacons or pushy purse-string holders! No, God just sends bears down from the woods…problems solved. And you get a circus-like act for free (2 Kings 2:23-24)!
  6. Bald is beautiful! Isaiah 52:7 declares, “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings…” And since God only shows off the more perfect of His cranial creations, why not hire the complete beauty package? Beautiful from head to toe!
  7. Church buildings remain safe. Just think, having a bald pastor means never having to worry about his righteous indignation turning into a Samson-like catastrophe (which, of course, could drastically reduce insurance costs).

Quarantines and the culture of social distancing can take their toll, so…

Be thankful for your bald pastor, but even MORE if he has a sense of humor! 

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Filed under baptist, blogging, Humor, ministry, Preaching

Apply the “Reagan Doctrine” To Your Wife, Also

Reagan’s Wisdom

Many of you may not have been alive when Ronald Reagan was President of the United States. I’m sad for you. He was a great leader and a great man.

Image result for ronald reagan trust but verify imagesWhen dealing with the Soviets, he wanted peace, but he also knew they being honest and transparent wasn’t a Russian characteristic. Therefore, when people wondered how we would be able to take the communists at their word when they said they would reduce their nuclear warheads, President Reagan wisely advised, “Trust, but verify.”

In others words, instead of telling the Russians we didn’t trust them (which is bad for relationships), Reagan essentially said, “Oh, I trust you! But things happen, so… Can you show us those pictures one more time?”

Verifying Valerie

So, as I was standing in the shower this morning, my dear wife, Valerie, peaked through the curtain and looked at my face with pity. She had just read the article that debunked the claim that the CDC said men should shave their beards during this COVID-19 crisis.

With the look of a sad puppy, Valerie tried to encourage me, I guess: “Maybe you should have checked the sources before listening to Facebook, huh?”

Standing there with shower water dripping off my naked face, I replied, “YOU were the one who told me the CDC had recommended it! NOT Facebook.”

Wellllllll,” said Valerie, slowly enough to give her time to formulate a response. “Maybe you start verifying your wife’s sources before you go and do something like this.”

It’s always the man’s fault, isn’t it?

Video Documentation

OK, so my thought was that if it had to be done, why not have fun doing it? Therefore, I took my iPhone into the bathroom and documented the process of shaving off what made me look smarter than I am.

After you watch it, tell me what you think of my impressions!

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Filed under current events, Humor, Marriage, wisdom