Category Archives: Humor
I’m a Redneck
Yes, I confess it… I’m a redneck.
I know that I’m a redneck because Jeff Foxworthy told me so. If you remember, Foxworthy’s comic routine made famous the line: “You might be a redneck if…” He would then follow with descriptions, examples, qualifiers, etc.
Below are some I know have applied to me at least once over the last 50+ years.
You might be a redneck if…
- You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
- Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
- The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
- Directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road.”
- Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
- You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
I’m a Sinner
But unlike a lot of people in this world (and in a world of their own), I can also admit I’m a sinner. The only difference is that once I confessed my inability to change my nature, I traded my “filthy rags” for the imputed righteousness of Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:9). Now, I’m still a sinner, but I’m am a saved sinner.
So, based on the actions of Adam and Eve in the third chapter of Genesis, I took a cue from Jeff Foxworthy and came up with my own list of “you might be’s.” From that list I preached a message entitled “You Might Be a Sinner If…”
You might be a sinner if…
- You have ever talked to a Serpent – and taken its advice (v. 2).
- You know the difference between “Naked” and “Necked” (v. 7). Side Note: If you consider fig leaves appropriate attire, you might be a sinner.
- You feel like running when the law shows up (v. 8).
- God is searching for you, and not the other way around (v. 9).
- You feel self-conscious or defensive about anything you’ve ever done (v. 9-10).
- You ever play the “blame game” – Others, “The devil made me do it” (v. 11-13).
- You were born (Romans 5:12).
Change of Status
Some people try on their own to change their status in life. Sometimes rednecks move away from Redneckville in order to become a different person. But what they find out is that Redneckville never left their heart. They still have those same desires to grill Spam and fish with dynamite.
In the same way, many people think, once they finally realize they are sinners, that change can come with a simple change of atmosphere, or the turning over of a new fig leaf.
The fact is that sinners don’t become “saints” on their own. It takes outside intervention.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9
If you really want to change, only Jesus can do it.
If you ask, He may even give you a hankerin for grits 😉
The following was originally published in October of 2012 – when I still drove a school bus.
Not a Hallomeany
I am not a big Halloween guy. I don’t get in to the dressing up, and all that. For that matter, I don’t celebrate the holiday.
However, I am not a total Hallomeany. I am not the Halloween version of Scrooge. For example, when a little girl asked what I thought of her costume, I didn’t say, “You look more like a prostitot than a princess.” I said, “You look very nice!”
When the little boys come around dressed like monsters, I always shiver like I am scared. When they dress like superheroes, I ask if they can fly. And when they look like a cat, dog, or freakazoid satanic mutt from the pits of hell, I say, “Wow! Do you have fleas, too?”
This time I wore an Afro (a.k.a, Bob Ross w/attitude).
One little girl told me she was Little Red Riding Hood. I told her I was Big Black Afro Hood.
But the funny thing about all of this is the reaction of the elementary kids. It really made me wonder what bus they have been riding the last three months.
The Kids: (at least 1,000 times) “Mr. Baker, is that your real hair?”
Me: “Yes. It is. I was bald yesterday, but I put fertilizer on my head and my hair grew overnight.”
The Kids: “No it’s not…I bet it is a wig…that’s not your hair…let me touch it…I bet it’s a wig.”
Me: “Of course it’s my real hair.”
The Kids: “Is that really your real hair? You’re wearing a wig…I just know it.”
Me: (I got upset with some children who wouldn’t stay in their seats, so I got serious and took off the wig.)
A Little Girl (that has ridden the bus for 3 months): “Aaaahhhh (gasping, then giggling as she whispers to another child), Mr. Baker’s BALD!
Me: “You THINK?! Where have you been? Did you not see me yesterday? Are you blind?”
You’ve Known Me How Long?
After telling the above story a few times, it seemed God wanted to tell me something.
I kept thinking of a conversation Jesus has with Phillip in John 14:8-9. Phillip asked, “Show us the Father.” That’s when Jesus replied in the same way I did to the little girl, “Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me?”
That got me to wondering. How long have I known Jesus? And how many times do I act like I haven’t even been paying attention to His presence? How many times have I been surprised by an answered prayer? How many times have I doubted, only to find Him faithful?
“You’ve known Me how long?” Long enough to know better.
It is Hump Day (i.e., Wednesday)!
So, besides using the Paint program on my computer to draw an amateurish illustrative, I have creatively compiled a collection of encouraging encouragers which may help heave your heavy heart over Hump Hill.
10 Reasons to be Glad It’s Wednesday
- At least it’s not Tuesday.
- Going uphill works muscles you use all the time; going downhill works the other ones.
- Oh, Monday is now two days in the past!
- Wednesday night is prayer night at many churches. That means tonight you can finally vent and feel spiritual at the same time.
- If you’re reading this that means your power hasn’t been shut off or your fortunate enough to have a charge on your phone. Yay for you!
- People don’t like you? That’s OK! The people still liked Jesus on Wednesday and look what happened to Him by the time Friday rolled around. It’s Wednesday, but it could be worse.
- If you like Wednesdays, it’s only 7 days (or 6, depending on your time zone) till the next one! Yippee!
- Unless you’re using it as a metaphor for impending doom, or unless your brakes have failed, you just fixed your hair, or there’s a swarm of bees ahead… going down hill can be fun!
- It’s easier to coast on a bicycle and yell “Look Ma! No hands!” when you’re going down a hill, as opposed to peddling up it. Take advantage of the week winding down to lift your hands in praise!
- Sunday is that much closer! Hallelujah!
I’m still pretty busy getting settled, so I’m still re-posting some older posts. Here is a good one 🙂
Lately I have been getting a lot of requests* from my readers and random people I meet on the street. They have been asking things like, “Hey, Anthony! Why don’t you write a blog post that deals with relationships and dating?”
There have also been multiple married couples** across the country come up to me and point-blank beg me to share my thoughts on marriage, keeping the love alive, etc. Probably 25 couples*** specifically asked, “Can you enumerate a list of actions we as couples can take to ‘spark’ things up, but in a Baptist way?”
So, what else can I do but give my readers what they ask for, right?
Therefore, as requested, here are approximately 10 easy tips to spark up your love life – if you are a conservative Evangelical or Baptist, of course.
10 Easy Tips to Spark Up Your Love Life
- Open the car door. I know, it may sound old fashioned, but the ladies really to like it when you open and hold the door to the car, especially when other people with bad marriages are looking. NOTE: Make sure you hold it open and watch your wife/fiance/date actually complete the task of getting all the way in before you turn your head and shut the door. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to notice the ooo-ing onlookers touched by your chivalry; that’s the female’s place…you don’t want to break her ankle.
- Buy her flowers. Christian girls adore God’s creation just as much as the nearest tree-hugging liberal. Therefore, don’t forget to buy your woman some flowers now and then. NOTE: Make sure beforehand if she is allergic to any particular specimen. Otherwise, make sure you have some anointing oil handy, along with someone who can demand that the spirit of asthma be gone.
- Choose the right restaurant. When your better half wants to go out to dinner, or when you suggest it, ask where she would like to eat. When she then says, “Oh, it doesn’t matter; wherever you want to go,” you softly say, “I think I would like to go to _______.” With what do you fill in the blank? The restaurant SHE likes, NOT where you would actually want to go.
- Tell her she looks beautiful. Married guys, right when you roll over in the morning and see your wife, tell her you love her AND “you look beautiful this morning!” No, she won’t believe you, but she will enjoy hearing it. Then, later in the day, say it again, right when she doesn’t expect it. NOTE: Don’t tell her she looks beautiful more than twice in the same day – she’ll know you’re up to something and the plan will backfire. Single guys, just tell her she’s “pretty” and save the rest for marriage.
- Tell your man you’re proud of him. In all seriousness, if there is anything a man wants, it is to be respected. Even if he’s been acting like an idiot and messing up everything he touches, let him know you are proud of him for trying. The last thing you want to live with is a bumbling idiot whose depressed, too.
- Brag on your husband. Don’t misunderstand, bragging on your husband is just the half of it. What you need to do to spark things up is brag on him to other women, and do it is such a way that he is not supposed to know what you said, but you “accidentally” let him find out. For example, send an email or text to your BFF saying something like, “God gave me the best husband any woman could ever dream of! I’m sorry your husband isn’t as wonderful as mine…#praying4u” Then, leave your computer on, or “accidentally” forward him a copy.
- Surprise him with tickets to a manly-man guy flick. Believe me, ladies, if you want to make your man feel special, accepted, loved, and adored, say to him, “Honey, guess what? I got us both tickets to go see Star Wars! Unless, of course, you’d like to go see The Day the World Was Saved by Blowing Up Stuff; I’d really like to see that, too.”
- Pick some flowers for him. First, you’d be amazed at how guys can be touched by something as sensitive and caring as you giving him flowers. But, keep this in mind – don’t buy them! Your man will be far less stressed if you don’t spend money on stupid stuff like flowers that are only going to die in a day or two, anyway. Pick the flowers and he will love them – and you!
Trans–Gender & LGBT Folk:
NOTE: I can’t help you. However, see the United Methodist, Presbyterian (USA), Unitarian Church, Alliance of Baptists, and Ecumenical Catholic websites, to name a few, for further information. Or, just look for wherever the co-opted symbol of the rainbow is displayed.
For Couples (heterosexual, married, and not just living together):
- Pray together. Don’t just pray for each other; pray WITH each other.
- Go to church together. Don’t just go to church, however; sit with each other and worship together. NOTE: if you have children that seem to require the whole pew and it forces the both of you to separate and sit at either end, see my other post entitled “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child.”
- 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. That’s all I’m going to say about that; you’ll need to look that up on your own.
BONUS: Spend the evening together at your local Lifeway Christian Book Store… oh, never mind… they closed all their stores. I guess you could pop some corn and sit in front of a computer and scroll through their website together.
The last bit of advice I can give is this: Put God first in your relationships and He will provide whatever you need to make it great and make it last.
* Not really.
**Again, not really. I’m joking.
The following was inspired by Dr. Dennis Culbreth and Alan Rogers, men who are obsessed with posting enumerated lists on Facebook.
If you are reading this – evidently you are – it is probably because you are on some form of social media, like Facebook or Twitter. it is also possible you received an email notification as a subscriber, or you were forwarded a message from a friend who said, “You’ve GOT to read this!”
On the other hand, you may be a blogger who was surfing recent posts from followed sites or “suggestions”form WordPress (or some other inferior blogging platform). Those of you in this group – the bloggers – will understand what I’m about to write; the rest need help.
The following list will be less of a shocker than an affirmation of what Christian (and some pagan) bloggers already believe about themselves or others within their “community.” Therefore, the following list is meant more for the casual Facebook reader, the neglected child with a school project due, and the wife or husband whose eyes roll more often than a bowling ball.
10 Things Christian Bloggers Wished the Rest of the Universe Could Understand
1. The ability to write is a gift from God; the ability to write well takes work. Every post, if it’s worth posting, should be well-written. A poorly-written post is a poor reflection on the message we have to share. Therefore, don’t get upset if we spend 3 hours crafting a 500-word work of art.
2. Blogging is a form of worship. I know, it may sound crazy, but blogging can be a very legitimate means of giving praise and honor to God. Christian bloggers regularly speak of the goodness of God, praise Him in the midst of struggles, and challenge others to trust Jesus. Christian bloggers LOVE to praise God through computer screens all over the world!
3. Christian bloggers are internet missionaries! You don’t have to travel the world to teach people with the Good News; you can do it from your kitchen! That’s right with a simple blog piece one person can instantly share relevant Truth in over 100 countries! Last time I counted, I’ve had readers in 126.
4. Everything is fodder for a blog post. That’s right, everything from one’s recent trip to the mall to one’s battle with cancer – it’s all worth writing about, especially to the one who sees God’s hand working everywhere.
5. Household chores will take care of themselves. Families of bloggers are usually the most stressed of housekeepers, but this need not be. Worse come to worse, dirty dishes, un-walked pets, and un-made meals can be used as writing topics (see point 4).
6. Blogging is reporting. All bloggers wish the world would give us more respect. I mean, seriously, we deserve Press credentials! If you write a well-written blog you should be allowed into all political events, meetings, and all concerts for free. As for me, I think every blogger is a potential food and restaurant critic – we should eat for free.
7. Christian bloggers don’t have selective hearing; we have selected focus. When I’m at the computer, don’t assume I hear anything you say. When I’m writing I’m in the “zone,” so voices outside the “zone” are muted. If you want my attention, offer food or show legitimate interest in what I’m writing. Otherwise, don’t assume I heard you tell me to pay that bill.
8. Donations are always welcome. Just because we Christian bloggers love doing what we do, that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t accept money. Money buys better computers, custom themes, and comfortable desk chairs.
9. The Christian blogging “community” is a real thing with real people. Honestly, some of my best friends are bloggers I’ve met online. Several of us have met in person, prayed with each other, and shared in genuine Christian fellowship and worship. Bloggers love bloggers 🙂
10. Christian bloggers come in all virtual shapes and sizes. Not every Christian is alike, and neither are our blogs. We are all unique and bring our own perspectives to the discussion of life. Don’t read just one.
So, what are your thoughts? Any points you’d like to share with the universe?