It’s Monday.
I’m alive, but there’s so much to talk about right now that it might kill me.
So, heeeeeere’s Mr. Monkey!
If you need a hero to fight your evil, blue Care Bears, then Mr. Monkey is your, uh, man. OK, so he’s a monkey, but who cares?
(The following video was hastily done with my iPhone 4S and the iMovie app.)
Filed under Humor, Monday Monkey
Katie and I, along with our youth pastor, Daniel (in the orange UT shirt), went to Nashville this past Friday and Saturday. We were there to begin the hard work of pounding out a quality recording project. And yes, it is hard work.
The only problem is that Mr. Monkey just had to get in on the act. He wouldn’t let it go. So, out of sheer frustration, I finally gave in.
See Mr. Monkey get introduced to his very own musical instrument.
On a separate note, it was good to get back in the groove with my old friend, Steve Castlen. The best I can figure, the last time he played drums while I played bass was probably in ’94.
Check out his website, SteveCastlenApologetics.com.
If you are a regular blogger, then you are probably aware of all the blogger “awards” being passed around. The Creative Blogger Award and the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are pretty common.
What makes these awards pretty cool is the fact that they are given by one’s peers. Unfortunately, one has to give the award once one receives it. When someone receives a notification that he has been nominated, in order to actually “win” it, the next step is to nominate 15 other bloggers for the same award.
What if I created an award? Maybe I could call it The Best Blog of the Month Award. Or, maybe I could call it Baker’s Best. Whatever I name it, it would come with the following statement: “You earned this, and you don’t have to share.”
Another thing about blogger awards is that in order to officially receive them you must tell some unknown fact about yourself. I received a notification not long ago that said, “You have been nominated for the _______ Award! Congratulations! Now, tell everybody 10 things about yourself that others may not know.”
Really? Why? What does that have to do with anything? Can you imagine, just before placing the gold medal around an athlete’s neck, the giver of the medal saying, “Before we can officially give this to you, Mr. Phelps, please tell us 10 embarrassing moments from your childhood”?
Well, since I have been nominated many times, yet never responded, it’s time I let some skeletons out of the closet. For all of you have felt me worthy of an award, but never found out anything new, here are…
Ten Things about Me that You May Not Have Known
Do I win?
Filed under General Observations, Humor
This weekend I went with our youth pastor, Daniel Ziegenmier, to Conclave 2013, “a training conference to equip and rejuvenate your youth ministry team.” The great thing was that it was here in our home town, not across the country.
While strolling through the exhibit hall where various ministries had booths and displays, I came across this neat fake camp fire. The flame in the middle was made of a fabric that fluttered above a silent fan and colored light. From only a few feet away it looked real.
It would have been nice to have one of these back in 1984. There would be less emotional scars.
In my junior year of high school the junior/senior speech class wrote and performed a Christmas play. I had a part in everything, from acting to writing and prop design. It was the prop design that had serious flaws.
The Stage
The play was held in the auditorium of Hamill Road Baptist Church in Hixson, TN. The set took up the entire stage where the pulpit usually sat, along with most of the choir loft. It was a big production in a very nice, carpeted church.
Hamill Road had light blue carpet…really nice, comfortable, flammable carpet.
The Set
In one of the scenes the cast went Christmas caroling, so there was a set complete with houses and front doors.
Following the caroling, all the cast went to a house to sit around and talk about the Christmas story. There they drank hot chocolate as they sat around a fire place…
…a fire place in church.
The Prop
It essentially came down to 2 or 3 other guys and myself. We had to figure out how to build a fireplace that looked real enough, but didn’t actually burn wood or gas. Unfortunately, we had no prior special effects experience.
I don’t know if it was Jeff DeHart, Brian Gibson, or myself who decided it was a good idea to take a candle, lay it on its side, notch it out, and expose 3 to 4 pieces of wick. I don’t know who it was, but one of us thought that we could light a candle in front of tin foil, surround it with dry wood, and make it would look like a burning fire place.
Did you know that when you notch out a candle, pull out the wick, light it, and let it burn during a 10-minute scene that the flame would eventually burn through? Nobody told us!
The Fire
I was proud of all of us. Like true professionals, when the fire hit the carpet…that beautiful, baby-blue carpet…we were able to smack the floor with our hands to the beat of another Christmas carol. Nearly in a panic, knowing our semester grades were on the line, not to mention our eternal souls, we put the fire out with our bare hands. Our parents didn’t have a clue.
Providentially, the next to the last scene involved the death of a character and a real casket. Without going into much detail, the layer of smoke created by the fire became a special effect worthy of an Oscar! It was beautiful!
For some reason the air conditioning system didn’t come on, and the smoke spread out like a sea over the congregation. When the rented spotlight in the back came on, the exposed smoke made the congregation look like an eerie cemetery full of dressed-up headstones. I got chills.
Well, we got a standing ovation and an “A” for the project. Unfortunately, because the play was so well-received, we were asked to do an encore.
That’s when the church burned down…
…Just kidding.
Filed under Christmas, General Observations, Humor, Independent Baptist, Life Lessons, ministry
It has been a long while, but due to popular demand by at least two popular people, Mr. Monkey is back with a new episode.
What is about? Well, just watch it.
By the way, forgive the production quality of this episode. I was sleepy. But hey, I played a mean ukulele!
Filed under animals, Humor, Monday Monkey, Preaching, Uncategorized
Master Yoda, when you were stuck away in the swamp for hundreds of years, did your sense for what you considered beautiful change? I mean, with no more Yodettes around, did you ever start thinking the slimy, green critters crawling on Luke’s half-drowned X-Wing were beginning to look like wife material? Wondering, I was just.
You see, here on this earth I am beginning to wonder if my sense of beauty is being affected. As I behold what so many others consider the definition of beautiful, I fear my eyes are being damaged beyond repair!
Women are always wanting men to think they are beautiful. Rarely do they try to excite our gag reflexes. Yet, on the other hand, when we do express our opinions we are attacked for being “male.”
Most of the time women are trying to get us in trouble by asking, “How does this dress that I don’t like make me look?” But more recently women seem to be dressing in such awfully disgusting ways, all the while still demanding that we say, “Oh sweetie, you look beautiful! That nostril necklace accents your lip stud perfectly!” God help us if we every ask, “what were you thinking?”
Our only option is to judge them fit for beholder consumption without making a judgment.
I guess I would really like to be a real-world beauty pageant judge – similar to those who determine the predetermined winners of other beauty pageants. I could be paid to walk around shopping malls and discount stores looking to hand out trophies for “Best Dressed on Isle 9,” or “Most Modest in a Hurricane.” I could even give away prizes to single moms who kept their mascara from running while in Toys-R-Us.
Women exhibiting any of the following would be automatically expelled from the competition and fined (in dollars, cigarettes, or whatever was most valuable to them).
Spandex or Sweat Pants outside of a gymHowever, fortunately for everyone, I am not a beauty judge (aren’t you glad?) On the other hand, I do have eyes, which does makes me a beholder. Until I go totally blind…well…some people are just going to make my eyes hurt. And that’s OK.
TRUE beauty can only be found within. Outward appearances can only reflect what is inside, at best. Real beauty is determined by a woman’s heart and actions.
“A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.” – Prov. 11:22 NLT
But beware men, even women who appear beautiful on the outside may turn out to be one of Yoda’s “girlfriends”.
“Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes;” – Proverbs 6:25 ESV
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30 ESV
So, Master Yoda, is it that stranger things are becoming more accepted, and therefore judged to be more beautiful, or are we just getting used to the swamp?
Well, I did not have time to do a Monday Monkey video like I wanted to. For some reason the local election commission would not let a man with a camera and a puppet go to the voting station before election day. Why not?
So, instead of having to work with grumpy election officials (good grief!), I decided to draw what I was wanting to do. Below is the story in picture.
Monkey thinks to himself, “I think I would like to vote. Oh, look! This must be the place to go. The sign says, ‘Vote Here.'”
“Now that they are asking for identification, I am glad Mr. Anthony made this for me – my own drivers license! This is all I will need.”
Mr. Monkey goes inside the building and walks up to the table where a nice, balding man asks, “May I help you?”
“I would like to vote in this election,” Mr. Monkey replies. “Here is my identification.”
“Uhhh, I am so sorry, but, uh, I don’t believe that will be possible,” the man says in a monotone voice.
“Excuse me? Why not?” asks a perturbed little puppet.
“Because monkeys can’t vote, even with an identification.”
Puzzled, Mr. Monkey asks, “Not even as a Democrat?!”
“If I was a famous mouse from Florida I bet you’d let me!”
What’s the point of this nonsense? It’s simple, really. Monkeys can’t vote, but people (with proper identification) can. So if you are not a monkey – go vote!
I am not a big Halloween guy. I don’t get in to the dressing up, and all that. For that matter, I don’t really celebrate the holiday.
However, I am not a total Hallomeany. I am not the Halloween version of Scrooge. For example, when a little girl asked what I thought of her costume, I didn’t say, “You look more like a prostitot than a princess.” I said, “You look very nice!”
When the little boys come around dressed like monsters, I always shiver like I am scared. When they dress like superheroes, I ask if they can fly. And when they look like a cat, dog, or freakazoid satanic mutt from the pits of hell, I say, “Wow! Do you have fleas, too?”
So, even though I don’t really celebrate Halloween, I try to keep the kids on the bus from thinking I am a “legalist.” What do I do? I wear a wig. This time I wore an Afro.
One little girl told me she was Little Red Riding Hood. I told her I was Big Black Afro Hood.
But the funny thing about all of this is the reaction of the elementary kids. It really made me wonder what bus they have been riding the last three months.
The Kids: (at least 1,000 times) “Mr. Baker, is that your real hair?”
Me: “Yes. It is. I was bald yesterday, but I put fertilizer on my head and my hair grew overnight.”
The Kids: “No it’s not…I bet it is a wig…that’s not your hair…let me touch it…I bet it’s a wig.”
Me: “Of course it’s my real hair.”
The Kids: “Is that really your real hair? You’re wearing a wig…I just know it.”
Me: (I got upset with some children who wouldn’t stay in their seats, so I got serious and took off the wig.)
A Little Girl (that has ridden the bus for 3 months): “Aaaahhhh (gasping, then giggling as she whispers to another child), Mr. Baker’s BALD!
Me: “You THINK?! Where have you been? Did you not see me yesterday? Are you blind?”
After telling the above story a few times, it seemed God wanted to tell me something.
I kept thinking of a conversation Jesus has with Phillip in John 14:8-9. Phillip asked, “Show us the Father.” That’s when Jesus replied in the same way I did to the little girl, “Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me?”
That got me to wondering. How long have I known Jesus? And how many times do I act like I haven’t even been paying attention to His presence? How many times have I been surprised by an answered prayer? How many times have I doubted, only to find Him faithful?
“You’ve known Me how long?” Long enough to know better.
Filed under Christian Maturity, God, Humor, Life Lessons
I know what you must be thinking (I am a mind reader, you know; you have to be to survive around women), “what does ‘_____’ stand for?”
Do I really have to say? I mean, come on, I am a preacher, a pastor, a man of the cloth…I am supposed to be all about weddings, right? Right? If nothing else, it’s a good way to make a quick buck, right? Right?
Oh, you have no idea…no idea…
Don’t misunderstand, I love what weddings are all about. I believe in weddings. As a matter of fact, God loves weddings so much He uses them to describe the ultimate coming together of the Body of believers (the Bride) and His Son, Jesus Christ (John 3:29).
God loves and promotes marriage, even to the point where He says that He “hates divorce.”
“For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.” – Malachi 2:16 NKJV
God hates divorce because, just as marriage symbolizes His love for us, divorce symbolizes unfaithfulness. He said, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). So, don’t get me wrong – I totally LOVE marriage.
What I DON’T LOVE are all the practical realities of wedding ceremonies. The logistics. The non-logistics. You name it.
Have you ever noticed mothers and fathers crying when their children get married? It is not because they are losing/gaining children; it’s because they are relieved the nightmare is over! (My wife just said, “OH, Anthony!“)
Here, let me just provide you with a simple, ten-point list of things that irritate me, then you might better understand why I “_____” weddings.
Is “like” the best word? It’s not what best describes my feelings, but I guess it will have to do. But may I suggest a few things that would help me “love” weddings more?
Seriously, if you are getting married, God bless you! May your union be filled not only with love, but also the commitment it takes to show that love to each other throughout the years to come.
And if at all possible, I prefer my steak a nice, pink medium. I do.
Filed under Defending Traditional Marriage, Food, Humor, ministry, Relationships and Family
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