by | February 25, 2013 · 1:30 am

Monday Monkey (At the Ball) Episode 34

I Don’t Dance!

Well, at least that used to be the case. Now, after a trip to Kentucky, I can officially say that I have danced at a ball.

For the last two years my daughter, Katie, has been aggravating the snot out of me…”Daddy, are you going to take me to the Purity Ball this year?…Daddy, do you have the tickets?…Daddy, don’t forget the ball!…Daddy, I need a dress.”

So, after a bunch of promises, we finally went to the Father/Daughter Purity Ball in Hopkinsville, KY. It was an event sponsored by Alpha Alternative, and the purpose was to promote the beauty of saving one’s self until marriage.

BUT, Mr. Monkey had to go, too.

Embarrassing Your Teenager

Let me tell you something, men. If you have a teenage daughter, it is imperative that you embarrass her in front of her friends at least once. It’s a law. Just be careful how you do it; you don’t want her to hate you.

You see, the trick to embarrassing your teenager without making her hate you is doing it in such a way that she knows you love her. You need to do display your pride in a crazy way that would, under any other circumstance, be considered insane.

As much as my daughter was embarrassed by a dad with a puppet on his arm, she was thrilled that I would put aside my own dignity and be a fool for her.

Loving Your Teenager

Men, let me add one more thing: if you don’t show your daughters how much you love them, there are plenty of scum buckets out there waiting to take your place. If you love your daughters, show it. Treat them like the princesses they are.

Monday Monkey (At the Ball)

3 Comments

Filed under Abortion, animals, Humor, Monday Monkey, Relationships and Family

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | February 22, 2013 · 11:15 am

Doing Better

Leaves

Have you ever heard someone say, “I am going to turn over a new leaf?” When I was a child, I thought as a child and spake as a child, and all I could picture was someone going out into the yard and turning over a new, green leaf. Honestly, it made no sense to me.

Now, after realizing that new leaves are even harder to turn over, because new leaves are actually attached to a tree and very small, I decided to do something a little different. I’m just going to “do better.”

Doing Better

After the last post I have gotten several notes from people saying, “I hope you’re doing better.” In short, yes, I am.

But what exactly does it mean to do better? Well, first it means to continue to do the things one is already doing, but do them in a better way. Of course, better is a relative term. If I eat poorly, should I be a better poor eater? If I spell poorly, shood I trie to bee eevin a more bad speler bi chuckn in sum pour tawking, two?

kk-hot-signIn my case, better is what I should be doing that I am not doing. Better is staying on the straight and narrow when the demons of Krispy Kreme flash a neon sign at me. Better is not listening to my wife when she hears the KK demons, but dropping it down into low gear and speeding away from the temptation.

Better is recognizing a love for food and a sedentary lifestyle should not be more than the love for my family.

Example of “Better”

oatmealSo, here is my first example of “better” for all of you to see. The other day my wife brought home some oatmeal with a picture of Rachael Ray on the box. She said, “I thought you might like this.”

The first thing that went through my mind was, “Am I supposed to admit that I think Rachael Ray is cute?” I do, but that’s beside the point.

The second thing I wondered was why did she think I would like “yum-o’s” oats more than old Mr. Quaker? Then I realized that she thought that if I thought it was good enough for Rachel Ray to say “yum-o,” then it must be good enough to eat on a regular basis.

I had my first bowl this morning.

OK…so….the oats were decent, but “yum-o!”never really came to mind. A cake doughnut and a cup of coffee, however, would have been far better.

15 Comments

Filed under Food, Struggles and Trials

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | February 21, 2013 · 7:08 pm

Getting Old and Scaring Wives

Pains of Aging

If there is one thing in life that stinks, it’s getting old. On the other hand, if there is one thing in life that is sweeter than honey, it’s getting old (i.e., not dying).

There are a lot of pains and aches associated with aging. One of those pains is the pain in the rear that comes with having to go to the ER every time I feel pain in my chest. I get so tired of all the questions, needles, sticky things that painfully remove hair from my chest (I am a manly man, you know), and freezing while waiting for a doctor to tell me I’m not having a heart attack – he thinks.

But there are other pains, too. There’s the pain of hearing your youngest daughter ask, “could this kill you?” There’s the pain of having to hug your girls as you leave for the emergency room, knowing, if this is it, they will be suffering unimaginable pain, but you won’t be there to help. There’s the pain of looking into your wife’s eyes, wondering how she will cope if you don’t make it through the next few hours.

I went through all of this, today.

Perks of Aging

But, there are some perks that come along with aging, too! One is being able to walk on a college campus wearing a sweater vest and have all the college girls (and guys, but not as many) open the door for you (because they think their grade may depend on it). It’s fun. I say, “Have you got your presentation ready for tomorrow?” Ha! Such fun!

Ultimately, getting older means the train is getting closer to the station. I have my bags packed, and my ticket punched. The longer I stand still and listen, the more I think I can feel the vibration on the tracks. It won’t be much longer. I will finally get to go to that land where I will run faster and faster, farther in, and farther up.

I just pray that my train is not too far apart from my wife’s train. She’s scared I will leave too soon. Maybe, if we wait long enough, we can ride in the same dining car together. I’d love to see her eyes when we see for the first time the place we are going. The light will reflect beautifully off of her grey hair.

12 Comments

Filed under Christian Living, Christian Maturity, Faith, Life Lessons, the future

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | February 19, 2013 · 1:29 pm

We’re Easy Targets

Old Accusations

If I have heard it once, I have heard it a thousand times: “Christians are hateful, dangerous, bigoted, right-wing warmongers who are responsible for all the wars and violence in the world.” At least that’s the long version.

Sure, there are the occasional fruitcakes and fringe kooks that give ordinary Christians a bad name, such as the Westboro Baptists. But for the most part, Christians believe what they believe without harming others. We try to convince others that what we believe is true, but what is wrong with that? Aren’t atheists trying to do the same thing?

In general, Christians are the most harmless bunch of people you will ever meet. That is why it is fun for certain people to attack, make fun of, and offend them. Case in point: NBC and Saturday Night Live.

“Djesus Uncrossed”

A fake movie trailer aired this week on SNL. It pictured Jesus running around with guns blazing, killing people, and even chopping their heads off. One line in the parody had the announcer saying, “I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word.”

Now, do you think it ever crossed anyone’s mind that a true follower of Jesus Christ might get offended? Get real! Of course it did, but nobody at NBC cared. What are Christians going to do, boycott? Ooooo! Scary!

What happened to painting Christians out to be so dangerous, at least in America? Maybe, just maybe, the really dangerous people aren’t Christians.

Do Another Parody

I think that the people at NBC and SNL are a bunch of cowards. If they are not just singling out Christianity, and if Christians are dangerous, yet they still air something as vile as “Djesus Uncrossed,” why not do a parody with Mohammed?

I think Todd Starnes at Fox News put it very well when he said…

“It’s open season on those who profess personal faith in Jesus Christ and pattern their lives by biblical morality,” he said. “Evangelical Christians are treated with contempt and targeted for ridicule.”

We’ve seen the networks and national news publications denigrate the Christian faith with great flair — from the “Good Christian B****es” of ABC to Newsweek’s Christmas essay about the “The Myths of Jesus.”

I find it interesting that the networks always mock and ridicule Christianity – but they give other religions a pass.

Why aren’t the writers at SNL churning out weekly skits about Islam – or the Prophet Mohammed? Where’s the mock movie trailer for “Jihad Undetonated?” Where’s the television show called “Good Muslim B****es?” Or the magazine essay about “The Myths of Mohammed?”

I suspect we all know the answer to why.

“If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.” – John 15:18-19 NLT

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/02/19/nbc-declares-war-on-christians/#ixzz2LN2Upjqu

Related articles

7 Comments

Filed under America, Christian Unity, Culture Wars, current events, World View

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | February 18, 2013 · 12:30 am

Monday Monkey (Monkey Shakes an Egg) Episode 33

Nashville

IMG_9903Katie and I, along with our youth pastor, Daniel (in the orange UT shirt), went to Nashville this past Friday and Saturday. We were there to begin the hard work of pounding out a quality recording project. And yes, it is hard work.

The only problem is that Mr. Monkey just had to get in on the act. He wouldn’t let it go. So, out of sheer frustration, I finally gave in.

See Mr. Monkey get introduced to his very own musical instrument.

Special Thanks To:

  • Joel Ziegenmier, for letting a monkey take over his studio
  • Steve Castlen, for knocking some sense into Mr. Monkey’s head
  • Roy Cavender, for keeping Mr. Monkey entertained with all his crazy antics
  • Daniel Ziegenmier, for not acting like a monkey or doing that “call me” thing with his hand
  • The makers of shaker eggs (Katie loves them)
  • The makers of polyester fur

Reunion

IMG_9910On a separate note, it was good to get back in the groove with my old friend, Steve Castlen. The best I can figure, the last time he played drums while I played bass was probably in ’94.

Check out his website, SteveCastlenApologetics.com.

1 Comment

Filed under animals, Humor, Monday Monkey, music, places

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | February 14, 2013 · 11:04 am

God’s Not Dead

Nietzsche said it, so it must be true. Right? 

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. —Nietzsche, The Gay Science, Section 125

I disagree.

IMG_8606The News Boys have been around a long time. When Michael Tate became the lead singer, their sound changed a little, but not the message in their music. That’s why I really like this song.

I know that stuff like this is a juicy worm wrapped around a hook, just hanging there for you atheists to chomp. But please, don’t think of it as bait; it’s not, really. It is just a great video proclaiming what many others, beside myself, believe to be true.

God’s NOT dead.

5 Comments

Filed under Apologetics, Faith, God, worship

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | February 13, 2013 · 11:00 am

Gun Control Legalism

Gun Control

It has been in the news a lot, recently. It is the idea that all guns (handguns, rifles, assault rifles, shotguns, plastic toys, etc.) are bad, bad, bad. Some western countries have all but eliminated them from public possession, while others are arguing over what laws to enact next.

The Lexington Minute Man

The Lexington Minute Man

Personally, coming from a man who lives in the southern United States and would have fought for the Confederacy if alive in the 19th century, I believe “gun control” is being able to hit one’s target. The last thing I will vote for is the removal of weapons from the common citizen. In my opinion, the 2nd Amendment was written by men whose belief was that an armed citizenry was one of the best defenses against tyranny.

Where I grew up, back in the day, the only people that ever got shot were idiots who forgot to check their weapons before crossing a barbed wire fence. Sure, there was the occasional feud, but S.W.A.T. and the F.B.I. were never needed. There were NO home invasions, NO car-jackings, and NO armed robberies in my community, either. Why? Everyone was armed – and everyone knew it.

No one in my community ever locked their doors. There was no real need. Even criminals had enough sense to know that they’d need some serious firepower or the element of surprise to avoid getting killed. For crying out loud, my dad used to drive around with a loaded 12 gauge shotgun on a rack in the window of his Ford truck, while under the seat was a loaded .357 magnum. Rarely was a policeman seen, but none were needed, for the most part.

Gun Laws

Now, out of the brains of postmodern liberals, comes the idea that taking all the guns away from law-abiding people will make us safer. They think that a law will affect the actions of bad guys. Sadly, the only ones that will be safer are the criminals.

Why do I link gun control laws to legalism? It is because gun control laws are put in place by people who forget crime is a heart issue, not a weapon issue. They think that another law will make everything better because, of course, everyone obeys the law.

Some people say, “Give me a list of do’s and don’t’s and everything will be OK.” They are more than willing to give up their freedom for a perception of safety. But what they don’t want to understand is that a sinner will still sin, and a murderer will still murder, regardless of the law or the weapon in hand. And when it comes to weapons, the dark-hearted won’t be deterred by a law they don’t choose to obey. The law keepers are too easy of a target.

My suggestion: Let the self-governing citizens with the law written on their hearts keep their weapons.  The law-breakers who respect no law will be forced to consider the consequences of their actions.

Related articles

7 Comments

Filed under America, Countries, current events, legalism, politics, voting

Tagged as , , ,

by | February 7, 2013 · 10:24 am

A Video Rebuttal to a KJV-only Post

Friends

Did you know that you can be friends with people you don’t agree with? Well, it’s true!

I have a friend named Heather. Heather is a great person, and one that I highly respect. As a matter of fact, if it had not been for Heather, I would have stopped blogging long ago. She was one of the first ones to encourage me, so I will forever be in her debt.

I will remain friends with Heather, promote her blog, and encourage others to hear what she has to say. She is my friend and sister in Christ, but that doesn’t mean we always agree.

Issues

Heather and I disagree on some issues; some minor, others not so minor. For example, Heather is a strong believer in the idea that the King James Version of the English Bible is the perfect, inspired version.  I, on the other hand, believe that the KJV is only a translation of the Word of God, not the inspired Word itself. Big difference.

Recently, Heather posted the latest installment of Dr. Sam Gipp’s videos promoting KJV-onlyism. That is when I decided to post a video by James White  which would better clarify my opinion on the issue. So, please take the time to watch both videos, then decide for yourself which position is more reasonable.

Family

Let me make this perfectly clear: people in the same family can disagree, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are family. Many people will say, “You Christians can’t agree, so why would I want to be a part of your family?” To that I would reply, “Did you agree with all of your spouse’s relatives before you got married?”

Healthy debate is a good thing. And even though we may disagree on some things, love and respect is always in order.

Go check out Heather Joy’s blog, Grow Up! She is bright, insightful, and full of spunk. You will like her, even if she does agree with Dr. Gipp.

 

62 Comments

Filed under Christian Living, Christian Unity, legalism, Relationships and Family, translations

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | February 5, 2013 · 10:02 am

Things You Didn’t Know

Blogger Awards

If you are a regular blogger, then you are probably aware of all the blogger “awards” being passed around. The Creative Blogger Award and the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are pretty common.

very-inspiring-blogger-awardWhat makes these awards pretty cool is the fact that they are given by one’s peers. Unfortunately, one has to give the award once one receives it. When someone receives a notification that he has been nominated, in order to actually “win” it, the next step is to nominate 15 other bloggers for the same award.

What if I created an award? Maybe I could call it The Best Blog of the Month Award. Or, maybe I could call it Baker’s Best. Whatever I name it, it would come with the following statement: “You earned this, and you don’t have to share.”

Crazy Requirements

Another thing about blogger awards is that in order to officially receive them you must tell some unknown fact about yourself. I received a notification not long ago that said, “You have been nominated for the _______ Award! Congratulations! Now, tell everybody 10 things about yourself that others may not know.”  

Really? Why? What does that have to do with anything? Can you imagine, just before placing the gold medal around an athlete’s neck, the giver of the medal saying, “Before we can officially give this to you, Mr. Phelps, please tell us 10 embarrassing moments from your childhood”?

Well, since I have been nominated many times, yet never responded, it’s time I let some skeletons out of the closet. For all of you have felt me worthy of an award, but never found out anything new, here are…

Ten Things about Me that You May Not Have Known

  1. I learned how to tie my shoes in daycare, but I learned the wrong way. Since it was back in the early 70’s, whoever taught me must have been high on drugs. Now my shoes never stay tied and my kids make fun of me.
  2. My first dog was a German Shepherd named Sarge. He got hit by a car and I still remember crying.
  3. In kindergarten I threw a rock and hit a girl. As a punishment, the superintendent made me kiss her and tell her I was sorry. Throwing rocks then became a regular pastime.
  4. I do not like eating rare steak. If I wanted blood on my plate I would just sneak up to a cow in the middle of the night and suck on its neck.
  5. Every since having my heart ripped out and stomped on by an ex-girlfriend, it is hard to say the name Lisa without curling my lip and pronouncing it Leeeessssuh. But that’s been nearly 25 years ago, so I’m over it. No hard feelings. None at all. All’s forgiven.
  6. I can’t go to sleep when our little dog has a cough, but I fell asleep next to an NHRA drag strip while top-fuelers were racing.
  7. My dad was my hero, but I don’t feel like one to my girls.
  8. I love to preach, but get in trouble for it when I preach to my wife.
  9. Owning a horse for a pet makes absolutely no sense to me.
  10. I spend too much time making lists of things that don’t matter.

Do I win?

Related articles

Leave a comment

Filed under General Observations, Humor

Tagged as , , , ,

by | February 2, 2013 · 11:32 pm

Fake Fire

Conclave 2013

This weekend I went with our youth pastor, Daniel Ziegenmier, to Conclave 2013, “a training conference to equip and rejuvenate your youth ministry team.” The great thing was that it was here in our home town, not across the country. 

camp fireWhile strolling through the exhibit hall where various ministries had booths and displays, I came across this neat fake camp fire. The flame in the middle was made of a fabric that fluttered above a silent fan and colored light. From only a few feet away it looked real.

It would have been nice to have one of these back in 1984. There would be less emotional scars.

High School Play 1984

In my junior year of high school the junior/senior speech class wrote and performed a Christmas play. I had a part in everything, from acting to writing and prop design. It was the prop design that had serious flaws.

The Stage

The play was held in the auditorium of Hamill Road Baptist Church in Hixson, TN. The set took up the entire stage where the pulpit usually sat, along with most of the choir loft. It was a big production in a very nice, carpeted church.

Hamill Road had light blue carpet…really nice, comfortable, flammable carpet.

The Set

In one of the scenes the cast went Christmas caroling, so there was a set complete with houses and front doors.

Following the caroling, all the cast went to a house to sit around and talk about the Christmas story. There they drank hot chocolate as they sat around a fire place…

…a fire place in church.

The Prop

It essentially came down to 2 or 3 other guys and myself. We had to figure out how to build a fireplace that looked real enough, but didn’t actually burn wood or gas. Unfortunately, we had no prior special effects experience.

I don’t know if it was Jeff DeHart, Brian Gibson, or myself who decided it was a good idea to take a candle, lay it on its side, notch it out, and expose 3 to 4 pieces of wick. I don’t know who it was, but one of us thought that we could light a candle in front of tin foil, surround it with dry wood, and make it would look like a burning fire place.

Did you know that when you notch out a candle, pull out the wick, light it, and let it burn during a 10-minute scene that the flame would eventually burn through? Nobody told us!

The Fire

I was proud of all of us. Like true professionals, when the fire hit the carpet…that beautiful, baby-blue carpet…we were able to smack the floor with our hands to the beat of another Christmas carol. Nearly in a panic, knowing our semester grades were on the line, not to mention our eternal souls, we put the fire out with our bare hands. Our parents didn’t have a clue.

Providentially, the next to the last scene involved the death of a character and a real casket. Without going into much detail, the layer of smoke created by the fire became a special effect worthy of an Oscar! It was beautiful!

For some reason the air conditioning system didn’t come on, and the smoke spread out like a sea over the congregation.  When the rented spotlight in the back came on, the exposed smoke made the congregation look like an eerie cemetery full of dressed-up headstones. I got chills.

Epilogue

Well, we got a standing ovation and an “A” for the project. Unfortunately, because the play was so well-received, we were asked to do an encore.

That’s when the church burned down…

…Just kidding.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Christmas, General Observations, Humor, Independent Baptist, Life Lessons, ministry

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,