Tag Archives: Marriage

by | October 29, 2013 · 11:09 pm

The Non-Boyfriend Boy Friend

Girls

Here I am, 46 years into my trip toward room temperature, and I am still having to deal with girls’ emotions. I have been coming to terms with not understanding women, or at least knowing when to stay away when they feel like expressing their intelligence. And nearly 20 years of marriage has conditioned me for another 20 years of “whatever’s” and “yes dears.” So why now, after I have paid my dues, must I once again deal with teenage girls?

My dating years were not the best of years. My self esteem was irreparably scarred by the time one of my first dates asked me to drop her off early…in a parking lot…alone. Girls were like a fire to which I was drawn, and I was the helpless bug continually getting squashed. Therefore, since I am convinced teenage girls are hosts to alien invaders, why must I be forced to give aid and comfort to the enemy of mankind?

If I had to guess, part of the curse of the Fall was having to raise teenage girls. You can’t live with them, and you can’t ______ (you fill in the blank – I’m not going to incriminate myself) their boyfriends.

Boyfriends

I was once a boyfriend, and I hated myself for it. That is why I think it is my responsibility to guide other young men away from my daughters. Being a boyfriend is the last thing they should want to be. Staying away is best thing they can do.

However, what I find troubling is the attempt my daughter is making to fool me. She insists that her friend, a boy, is not a boyfriend. Yet, whenever a letter comes in the mail (in between the 42,584 texts), she grins and squeals as she reads it over and over. She invites him over to bake for him on his birthday and have pictures made together with their cheeks touching each other’s goofy faces. Believe, where there is chocolate, followed by physical contact of any kind, I am not fooled.

Between the Lines

So, tonight I made a comment that got Katie asking me all kinds of questions. In casual conversation, my so-far-alien-free daughter, Haley, asked, “When Katie and ____ (insert name or expletive, doesn’t matter) get married…” Excuse me?

That’s when I interrupted with, “She is not gonna marry _____.”

My single, unmarried, unspoken-for, and alien-inhabited daughter, Katie.

My single, unmarried, unspoken-for, and alien-inhabited daughter, Katie.

Later, when I was sitting at the computer, Katie came to kiss me goodnight and asked, “Why did you say I couldn’t marry ______ (insert name of endangered species)?”

Correct me if I am wrong, but was I not told that the non-boyfriend was just a friend? Then why would my statement about who she’s not going to marry be an issue? If my dad had told me I wasn’t going to marry my friend Kevin, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings one bit. So what’s the deal with endangered boy and daydreamer?

If she marries he-who-walks-on-thin-ice, then I’ll be forced to like him. Until then, what’s wrong with simply protecting a non-boyfriend from a danger he can’t understand? Who knows? If I spare him from being abducted by an alien, I might be the best friend the non-boyfriend boy friend could ever have.

He will thank me, later.

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by | August 15, 2013 · 9:31 pm

“This is all for you.”

The Video

I had never heard of Mobbed, but then my daughters showed me the video I am going to share with you. They said, “This is the best video EVER!”

I sat down with my dinner in front of my computer and started watching. It wasn’t long before I was crying. My daughters and wife were snickering and pointing at me (which is typical), but they had no idea why I was really crying.

Please, watch this video. It is truly a wonderful thing to behold, and you may tear up, too. But after you watch it, please read what I have written below.

Reasons for Tears

As I was watching this video with my wife and girls standing behind me, my initial thought was, “My gosh! I wonder how much that cost?…Oh great! What am I going to do for our 20th anniversary in just 10 months?!”

Then, as the bride-to-be was walking down the make-shift isle, the groom-to-be said (10:00), “This is all for you.”

I literally wept. Oh wow!

My memory immediately recalled Hosea 11:4, “I drew them with the cords of a man, with bands of love…” Then I remembered the message of other passages…

“Hereby perceive we the love [of God], because he laid down his life for us…” 1 John 3:16a

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”  John 3:16

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

Stop and think about it!

We are the Bride, and God has done it all. He has paid the highest price; surrounded us with a “cloud of witnesses;” guided us when we didn’t know where to go; and surrounded us with beauty and surprises at ever turn. All of it was planned long before we knew what was going on, and He did it all…all for a “yes.”

One of my daughters said, “Wouldn’t it have been horrible if she had said ‘no’?”

Yes, it would have been. But just think of how many do it every day? How horrible! How sad for Him!

If nothing else, this video made me love Jesus even more.

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by | July 9, 2013 · 5:26 pm

Another Marriage Prerequisite

Weddings

I do weddings.

But let me be honest, weddings aren’t always fun, and they are most certainly never easy. I do weddings, but I don’t always want to.

weddingWhy don’t I want to do weddings every time I am asked? Because so many know so little about what marriage is, where it came from, what it means, or what it will take to make it work. For crying out loud, most people that say they want to get married don’t even know the person to whom they are about to commit.

I do weddings, yes, but I require pre-marital counseling. Period.

Counseling

I have several things that I require a couple to go through before I will consent to marry them. Aside from the basic questions that must be asked, a while back I decided to require anyone I marry to watch 2 movies:

  1. Fireproof
  2. Courageous

You see, I figure it this way – if you really want to get married, then you should be able to watch a couple of movies and then talk about them. If you can’t do that, or if you’re just too rushed, then you don’t need to get married; you are already starting off on the wrong foot.

Additional Requirement

Now I have a new requirement. On top of Fireproof and Courageous, I have another video to watch before anyone hears, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” My daughter recently showed me a video she watched at camp. The first time I watched it I cried. I was forced to admit I have not been the godly husband I need to be.

I have been preaching through the book of Ephesians on Sunday nights. This past Sunday night we came to the part in chapter five that deals with “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord,” and “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church…” (Eph. 5:22, 25). It is a touchy section in this day and age, but it shouldn’t be, at least not with those who understand the meaning of marriage and the “mystery” of the church (Eph. 5:32). Too many come to the “submit” part and stop. They fail to understand that “submission” in marriage goes both ways; that marriage is to be a reflection of Christ and the church; and that the wife’s “submission” and husband’s “love” are supposed to work in conjunction.

However you want to argue it, though, if the husband would love his wife like Jesus loved us, then there would be a lot more happy wives out there, not to mention healthy families and lasting marriages.

What we need, ladies and gentlemen, is a “Crucifixion Type Love.“

Watch the video.

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by | June 27, 2013 · 11:52 pm

Date Night

I have been thinking about what to write.

The most obvious topic on which I would like to spend some time is the utter stupidity of the whole gay marriage thing, especially the ironic symbol of the rainbow. On the other hand, if I were to dwell on that topic for very long, given how long of a day it has been, I might puke. Unfortunately, if I did throw up, it would not come close to a regurgitation of all the vile that has been hurled at Christians over the last 48 hours.

So, for now I am going to avoid dealing with the Supreme Court’s insanity. I will save that for another day. Instead, let’s talk about movies.

Walking Out

It has been several years since I last walked out of a movie in a theater. The last time was when I demanded my money back (and got it) after I was duped into watching Happy Feet – an anti-human propaganda piece. This time it was a movie called The Big Wedding. I don’t feel that it is necessary for me to go into detail and provide you with an expert commentary. All you need to know is that what I endured of it was completely immoral and was void of any redeeming qualities. Enough said.

You see, my wife and I had the rare privilege of being alone, so we decided to go to a movie together. It’s not like we could afford it, but we needed the time with each other. Valerie just said, “I have watched a lot of other kinds of movies with you, so now it’s time to see a ‘chick flick’ with me.”

Well, anyway, it actually felt refreshing to simply get up out our seats, turn our backs to the screen, and walk out. We said “NO” to the trash that was being thrown at us, particularly the anti-Christian, anti-virginity, and anti-marriage messages. It actually felt spiritually empowering.

Caloric Refund

Hot Dogs and a Banana Split

Hot Dogs and a Banana Split to Share

After we got our money back (which, incidentally, was suggested by the manager who hated the movie, too), my wife and I decided to go to Kay’s Kastle in Soddy-Daisy (just north of Chattanooga). They have great ice cream and some unique hot dogs – and they’re cheap.

So, our date went from being disgusted with movie garbage, to filling our faces with caloric garbage. The food may have clogged an artery, but at least it didn’t sear our consciences.

Heart damage is easier to deal with than soul damage.

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by | June 18, 2013 · 12:11 am

19th on the 18th

Our Anniversary!

Last year I wrote a post celebrating 18 years of marriage to the most beautiful woman in the world, my wife. Now that another year has come and gone, I thought it would be appropriate to celebrate again. I’m so glad Valerie and I are still together, which is a blessing and a miracle. I don’t deserve such a gift.

Valerie has asked me several times in the past, “If you could do it over again, would you still marry me?” To be honest, there were times when answering that question was difficult, especially back around 1999-2001. During those days I was going through the lowest time of my life, but she stood by me.

If Valerie was to ask me that question today, however, the answer would be a resounding “YES!”

It takes time!

So many people get divorced after a few years of marriage, never staying in it long enough to work through the hard times. In doing so, they miss out on the treasures that years of faithfulness bring. Because they give up too early, they uproot seeds before they have time to germinate, never being able to experience the fruit of a life-long relationship taking root.

The past year has brought with it many heartaches and sorrows. Valerie has had to endure much physical pain which has tested our faith and pushed us to the limits; the loss of income has been terribly stressful; and crisis after crisis has taken an emotional toll on us all. Yet, after 19 years we are more in love, more in faith, and more in God’s will than ever before. How is that possible? “It’s not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit,” says the Lord.

I love you, Valerie. Happy anniversary!

As I said last year, it’s been a bumpy but wonderful ride. Thank you for staying in the car with me. I’m looking forward to the rest of the trip!

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by | April 20, 2013 · 8:06 am

A Book With No Title

(Guest Post by Jessie Clemence)

I am stumped. Just plain stumped. I need a title for a book proposal I’m putting together, and I have nothing. If the proposal is accepted the book will be on Christian marriages, more specifically, how to set ourselves aside to find Christ’s best for our marriages in every situation. While that sounds kind of stuffy and serious, I assure you that it’s not. My primary spiritual gift is ridiculousness, and the book will be full of it. But I’m having a heck of a time finding a title for the thing. 

My friends on Facebook have been useless. Hysterical, but useless. For example, my friend Shannon suggested titling the book Did You Even Move the Milk Before Asking Me Where the Juice Is? or, No Honey, I am Okay, I just Fell in The Toilet. Kim suggested From Dinner and a Movie to Folding Tighty-Whities: My Life As a Wife. These are all excellent titles, but I don’t think they’re going to fly with the publishing team.

My personal favorite came from my own husband: Seriously, We’ve Been Married 15 Years: I’m UP HERE. So there’s a little peek into our marriage that you probably didn’t want, but there it is. Let’s move along.

You see my trouble, don’t you? Anyone who has been married for more than twenty minutes knows that marriage is hard. It requires compromises. It requires sacrifices. It’s a daily opportunity to get over ourselves for the good of another person, much like parenting. And for me, that has been possible because of the sacrifices Christ made for us. I sacrifice because He sacrificed. I love because He loved. 

But how do I get that into a fun title? Any suggestions out there?

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by | March 13, 2013 · 10:23 am

Reality Relationships?

Random Questions

For the record, I have never watched a single episode of The Bachelor. I couldn’t care less. But when went to pay for my groceries, I walked by the magazines and saw this. Unbelievable, in a sad, pathetic way.

bachelor virginI don’t want to say too much. All I want to do is ask some questions. You don’t even have to answer them; I just have to get them off my chest.

  1. What kind of blooming idiots think, after the first season of this nonsense, that true love is being picked from a list of narrowed-down options?
  2. Who seriously believes anyone in Hollywood is still a virgin?
  3. So, Mr. Lowe, how do you feel about a dozen non-virtuous, camera-hungry females fighting for your affection?
  4. What kind of real woman would sit by and wait for a guy to decide between some other woman and her? Most real women would say, “H@#*, no!”
  5. What does it say about people when they are “stunned” to hear someone is saving himself for marriage? Were they expecting to be treated with respect by a guy would sleep with every girl in the line-up?
  6. What does it say about your dating habits when you go to a “Fantasy Suite” for a date, but find it awkward – because there won’t be any sex?
  7. How shallow and pitifully void of morality is the idea of “coping” with a “sexless engagement?”
  8. Who actually thinks this is a good way to find wife?
  9. What kind of mother says to her daughter, “I’m so proud of how you fought off all those other girls and won a man that had a hard time deciding between you and that other contestant!”?
  10. Are you kidding me? THIS is reality?

Random Verses

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” – Hebrews 13:4 ESV

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” – 1 Corinthians 7:2 ESV

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” – Proverbs 31:10 KJV

A Final Thought

I wonder how a real dad with a real shotgun would influence Mr. Bachelor’s decision making process? I don’t guess that matter much, though, since it seems Sean Lowe picked his bride to be.

Hope it works out, bubba. Reality is tough on a marriage made in fantasy land.

 

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by | February 21, 2013 · 7:08 pm

Getting Old and Scaring Wives

Pains of Aging

If there is one thing in life that stinks, it’s getting old. On the other hand, if there is one thing in life that is sweeter than honey, it’s getting old (i.e., not dying).

There are a lot of pains and aches associated with aging. One of those pains is the pain in the rear that comes with having to go to the ER every time I feel pain in my chest. I get so tired of all the questions, needles, sticky things that painfully remove hair from my chest (I am a manly man, you know), and freezing while waiting for a doctor to tell me I’m not having a heart attack – he thinks.

But there are other pains, too. There’s the pain of hearing your youngest daughter ask, “could this kill you?” There’s the pain of having to hug your girls as you leave for the emergency room, knowing, if this is it, they will be suffering unimaginable pain, but you won’t be there to help. There’s the pain of looking into your wife’s eyes, wondering how she will cope if you don’t make it through the next few hours.

I went through all of this, today.

Perks of Aging

But, there are some perks that come along with aging, too! One is being able to walk on a college campus wearing a sweater vest and have all the college girls (and guys, but not as many) open the door for you (because they think their grade may depend on it). It’s fun. I say, “Have you got your presentation ready for tomorrow?” Ha! Such fun!

Ultimately, getting older means the train is getting closer to the station. I have my bags packed, and my ticket punched. The longer I stand still and listen, the more I think I can feel the vibration on the tracks. It won’t be much longer. I will finally get to go to that land where I will run faster and faster, farther in, and farther up.

I just pray that my train is not too far apart from my wife’s train. She’s scared I will leave too soon. Maybe, if we wait long enough, we can ride in the same dining car together. I’d love to see her eyes when we see for the first time the place we are going. The light will reflect beautifully off of her grey hair.

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by | October 18, 2012 · 1:56 pm

I “_____” Weddings

“_____”?

I know what you must be thinking (I am a mind reader, you know; you have to be to survive around women), “what does ‘_____’ stand for?”

Do I really have to say? I mean, come on, I am a preacher, a pastor, a man of the cloth…I am supposed to be all about weddings, right? Right? If nothing else, it’s a good way to make a quick buck, right? Right?

Oh, you have no idea…no idea…

A Symbol

Don’t misunderstand, I love what weddings are all about. I believe in weddings. As a matter of fact, God loves weddings so much He uses them to describe the ultimate coming together of the Body of believers (the Bride) and His Son, Jesus Christ (John 3:29).

God loves and promotes marriage, even to the point where He says that He “hates divorce.”

“For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.” – Malachi 2:16 NKJV

God hates divorce because, just as marriage symbolizes His love for us, divorce symbolizes unfaithfulness. He said, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). So, don’t get me wrong – I totally LOVE marriage.

A Serious Pain

What I DON’T LOVE are all the practical realities of wedding ceremonies. The logistics. The non-logistics. You name it.

Have you ever noticed mothers and fathers crying when their children get married? It is not because they are losing/gaining children; it’s because they are relieved the nightmare is over! (My wife just said, “OH, Anthony!“)

Here, let me just provide you with a simple, ten-point list of things that irritate me, then you might better understand why I “_____” weddings.

  1. 4,937 peasants could be fed for two months and 4 days for what one wedding cake can cost.
  2. No matter how much pre-marital counseling I do, I know everything I say is going in one ear and out the other.
  3. There are always people who “have reason why these two should not be married,” but they are too cowardly to stand up and say something.
  4. Family members are just as likely to kill each other over the color of mints as the number of ruffles on a wedding gown.
  5. Wedding cake tastes like lard.
  6. Everybody always gets new clothes – except the preacher.
  7. Brides-to-be and their mothers are pickier than Eric Clapton on speed (Old Age Alert: Eric Clapton is an actual musician who plays a real guitar, not one attached to a game console).
  8. Shotguns are not allowed anymore.
  9. Daughters force their parents to watch episode after episode of Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. (Did I mention I have a daughter getting married?)
  10. If I mess up the vows, then I am responsible for ruining the lives of females who never forgive.

I “Like” Weddings

Is “like” the best word? It’s not what best describes my feelings, but I guess it will have to do. But may I suggest a few things that would help me “love” weddings more?

  1. Elvis actually showing up to say, “I did not look like that, thangya very much.”
  2. Grilled steak instead of cake (Dr. Atkins would be proud).
  3. No dancing. Period. None. People that don’t know how to dance should just sit in a chair and eat steak.
  4. Bags of money, instead of rice or bubble makers (Cleaning up would be much easier).
  5. A simple promise that the bride and groom will take their vows as seriously as their choice of cake toppers.

Seriously

Seriously, if you are getting married, God bless you! May your union be filled not only with love, but also the commitment it takes to show that love to each other throughout the years to come.

And if at all possible, I prefer my steak a nice, pink medium. I do.

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by | September 27, 2012 · 1:25 pm

Forbidden Food

Breaking the Law

Just because I am a recovering legalist, that does not mean that I advocate breaking the law. The law is there for a reason…which is a whole other theological issue.

But when it comes to laws around the house, especially ones which my wife makes without letting me have a say, anything is up for grabs. The law that says I can’t steal a box of Nilla wafers because she was planning to use them in a banana pudding is absolutely crazy. Who does she think she is?

So, what you will see in this post are actual photographs of a crime in progress. In order to show you one of my favorite foods, I had to break the law.

Nilla Wafers & Peanut Butter

Yesterday, I talked about comfort food. Well, this is another comfort food…at least for me. And it is more than a comfort – it is a thrill.

I like peanut butter. I also like Nilla (pronounced like “vanilla,” but without the “va”) wafers. But when you put them both together you get something akin to a drug. But this drug is not available on the street; it has to be dug out of hiding places around my house.

You see, my wife makes some awesome banana pudding (that’s another post), so she need these wafers. And because she knows that I really like putting peanut butter on them, she thinks she can hide them until she needs them.

Not always, dear.

How They’re Made

What you do is take a box of wafers, open it up, and pour out a random amount into a plate (and let’s get this straight, if they are not Nabisco brand Nilla wafers, they are nasty). Next, you count them. But, there has to be an even number, because you need two to sandwich the peanut butter. It’s not an obsessive-compulsive thing.

Once you have determined that you have an even number, you take a clean knife (obviously) and spread any kind of peanut butter (unless it’s that generic toxic waste stuff) on one wafer. Make sure there is enough, too. Because what you want is enough to squeeze out around the sides when you press the two together. That’s the part you lick off (but I won’t show you that part).

There is also another reason for having an even number. Having an odd number will only make you want to go back for more. When I do, that is when my wife catches me.

Busted

As I was writing this post, my wife walked in the front door. Then, as she came by me sitting at the computer, I handed the box of crispy wafers to her – smiling. She smiled back with an understanding look…like she perfectly understands how she is going to remind me of the “law.”

Thankfully, she’s forgiving. Unfortunately, no banana pudding tonight.

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