Preface
The way this post came about is simple: it’s my daughter Haley’s birthday. How is that relevant? Well, there’s a classic Italian restaurant in our town called Provino’s where you can eat free on your birthday (with proof, of course).
Image Credit: Provino’s
Thinking of Italian food, my wife started in with an old, familiar children’s song, “On Top of Spaghetti.” It only took a couple of lines before Haley, little Miss Observant, started picking apart the whole meatball-getting-blown-off-with-a-sneeze thing.
I had to join in.
Observations
The following observations and questions submitted, had they been used shortly after the incident, would have proven early on that the whole meatball story was a fabrication – a lie.
It is our contention that “On Top of Spaghetti” has been used as a pattern by children seeking to fabricate their own explanations for why food disappears from the table and ends up either on the floor, eaten by the family pet, or outside under a bush.
Please accept the following for consideration:
1. Who sneezed? Who is this “somebody”? Were they ever held accountable for contaminating a person’s meal?
2. How old was the person eating spaghetti and meatballs? Does the song encourage young children to consume choking hazards? Should it be banned from pre-schools?
3. How hard does a person have to sneeze in order to blow a meatball off it’s cheese-covered perch? Even more, what nasal velocity would be required to dislodge a meatball from it’s settled location with enough force to cause it to roll off the table and onto the floor? The blast required from the sneezer must have been severely traumatic due to the air pressure that must have been required to remove a meatball from its resting place. Was any medical attention needed?
4. If the meatball in question was subjected to enough force to blow it from the table, onto the floor, out of the door, and out into the yard, wouldn’t the rest of the spaghetti have been disturbed? Why no mention of that?
5. The song describes the meatball rolling off the table, hitting the floor, then rolling out the door. It would seem that…
a) Since the meatball in question was admittedly covered with “sauce,” the sauce would have caused considerable resistance, thereby increasing the wind speed necessary to propel the meatball.
b) It is nearly impossible to imagine how a meatball being propelled by a blast of wind could have “rolled” and fallen to the floor, after which it is said to have continued to roll, without first becoming air-born.
6. Was the person eating spaghetti living in the United States? If so, was he/she living in a barn? Why was the front door open? Someone must have never heard about flies.
7. Before the meatball in question ended up under some kind of bush, it is said to first have rolled through some kind of garden. What kind of garden? Were there no other plants which could have impeded the meatball’s rolling progression? Again, what kind of propulsion would have been necessary for this to happen?
8. It is said that by the time the meatball came to rest under a shrubbery, it was “nothing but mush.” It would seem, then, that the collision with the bush must have cause the damage; “mush” does not roll.
9 . According to testimony, the “mush was so tasty, as tasty could be…” So, was the meatball disturbed after coming to rest? Was it tasted after rolling into the garden? Was it the meatball or accumulated fertilizer that was so tasty?
10. Lastly, it is said that the tasty, meaty projectile grew into a meatball tree (each meatball covered in sauce) in less than a year. This is questionable because,
a) Seeds never grow into fruit-producing trees in less than a year.
b) Sauce is a condiment, not integral with the meatball itself.
Conclusion
It is clear to my 14 year-old daughter and myself that the person who lost his/her “poor meatball” is attempting to cover up a crime. The explanation given for the missing meatball is too incredible to believe, and therefore must be the result of a spur-of-the-moment, child-like fanciful attempt to disguise the willful hurling of a meat product as an accident, thereby attempting to lay the blame on someone who sneezed.
Happy birthday, Haley! Keep thinking things through!
A faithful witness will not lie: but a false witness will utter lies. … The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going. – Proverbs 14:5, 15
The Recovering Legalist 