Category Archives: Humor

Facetious Friday

Nothing Serious

This is Friday. It’s been a good day, so far. So, I’m not going to get on my soapbox about anything, not even the biggest topics of the day.

No, I’m not going to address President Obama’s insanely ludicrous pandering to the pluralistic left at the National Prayer Breakfast.

No, I’m not going to address ISIS(L), burning people alive, Kings who act like real men and fly jets, or presidents who drink sweetened beer with uplifted pinkies, either.

Today is a day for something totally stupid…as if the daily news wasn’t full of it already.

Alien Inside

The following (mostly) true story took place on my bus at around 7:45 a.m. in response to an honest, child-like question. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent.

Me:  (to the kids on my bus) Do y’all know about Miss Cassie (she’s married, but we call her “Miss”)?

Kids:  Yeah, she’s going to have a baby.

Me:   No she’s not.

Kids:  Yes she is.

Me:   No, she is not.

Kids:  UH HUH!! YES, she IS!

Me:   You don’t know what you’re talking about…she is not going to have a baby!

Kids:  You’re crazy, Mr. Baker! You know she’s having a baby, haven’t you seen her?

Me:   Oh, I’ve seen her, but she’s not having a baby – she’s having an alien.

Kids:  NUH UHHHH!! That’s CRAZY! She ain’t havin’ no alien!

Me: Is she big and fat?

Kids:  Yes.

Me:  See. She’s going to have an alien.

Kids:  NO SHE AIN’T! How do you know she’s having an alien?

Me:   She was taken up in a space ship and they put an alien baby seed inside her.

Kids:  NUH UH, Mr. Baker! You don’t know that!

Me:  She eats green beans, doesn’t she?

Kids:  We don’t know! That don’t matter anyway!

Me:   Just ask her…ask her if she eats green beans.

Kids:  Why?

Me:   You have to eat green beans to make the alien baby green.

Kids:  No the DON’T!

Me:   Just ask her…ask her if she eats green beans. If she does, then she’s having an alien.

Kids:  That don’t mean nothin!

Me:  Is she pregnant?

Kids:  Yes! She’s having a baby!

Me:  Do you know what the word pregnant means? It comes from two words: Preg, which means “Alien”; and Nunt, which means “inside.” Pregnant means “Alien inside,” so, she’s having an alien.

Kids:  She AIN’T havin’ an ALIEN!!

Me:   Just ask her.

One child:  Mr. Baker, where do babies come from?

Me:  The hospital.

Yesterday

Miss Hensley (she’s marred, too):  Welllll, thank you very much, Mr. Baker! The kids from your bus were sooo thoughtful…asking me about my squirrel bite, and all.

Me:  Only trying to help.

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Filed under current events, Humor, politics

Resolutions to Avoid

Just for the fun of it…and maybe as a reminder to myself…I thought I would create a list resolutions to avoid at all cost.

In other words, if you resolve to do the following, you may not be around in 2016 (or at least in good shape).

10 Resolutions to Avoid

1. I resolve leave the seat up every time I go to the toilet as a sign of my manly rights.

2. I resolve to never say I’m sorry – unless I mean it.

3. I resolve to read the Bible only when it’s projected on the big screen, and only on Sunday mornings, provided there’s enough free coffee and muffins beforehand.

4. I resolve to lose 10 pounds a week (either weight or money, depending on where I am at the time).

5. I resolve to date more people this year than last in an attempt to better understand the fish in the sea.

6. I resolve to trust the government more.

7. I resolve to spend more time at work and less time with my family.

8. I resolve to make my husband change, or else.

9. I resolve to keep to myself and avoid other people.

10. I resolve to keep everything exactly the way it is right now.

So, what do you think? Will you try to avoid these resolutions? Are there any you would like to add?

Happy New Year!

 

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Filed under Christian Living, current events, Future, General Observations, Humor

An Interview With Mr. Monkey

It’s Monday!

Normally, in the real world, declaring it is Monday does not bring squeals of joy. However, this is the world of the Recovering Legalist, and I’m not a sour puss.

IT’S MONDAY!! Do you know what that means? Yes, it is time for a brand spanking new Monday Monkey video

The world may be burning, but there’s only so many fire extinguishers to go around, anyway. Chill out. Have fun for a few minutes. Laugh.

Yesterday, before I drove Katie (a.k.a. Piper Smokestack) back to school, she interviewed Mr. Monkey. The last time she did anything like that was when she was reporting on Mr. Monkey losing his banana.

But here’s the thing: Mr. Monkey now has a Twitter account! He will be staying in touch and answering fan mail. Just go to @MonkeyBuddy1984.

Now, tomorrow we can talk about some more serious stuff, if that kinda stuff floats your boat.

In the meantime, watch the video again, share it, then go buy one of my books. That will make us all have a great Monday 😉

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Filed under animals, blogging, Humor, Monday Monkey

Kids Spitting and Truth Telling

The following is what I am planning to make the last entry of my new book. Tell me what you think.

“Unexpected Truth”

Every once in a while a bus driver, or anyone for that matter, may find himself saying, “I didn’t see that one coming!” In other words, every once in a while something happens; somebody says something that you would have never imagined. Let me tell you about one of those “once in a while’s.”

Spitting Accusations

Kids are always doing stuff to each other to be aggravating. You have probably witnessed children throwing spit wads, taking items out of another’s book bag, or hiding a child’s shoe right before her stop. No? Well what about spitting on each other?

Oh, yes, children are well-accustomed to spitting on each other, especially boys. Now, they never admit to doing it; they usually blame it on the one kid with no salivary glands. But there was this one time when a boy on my bus accused a girl of spitting on him when she actually didn’t. How do I know that she didn’t? She showed me proof!

So, “Jack” hollered from the back of the bus, “Mr. Baker! ‘Jill’ spit on me!” Before I could rationally respond, another voice came from the back, the voice of the accused, crying, “No I didn’t – he’s lying!” Since I was in the process of driving and there was no place to pull over and deal with the situation, all I could do at the moment was respond with a simple request: “STOP SPITTING!”

A moment passed, then Jill came up to the seat behind me (which is dangerous and against the rules, by the way). “Mr. Baker,” she said in a tone laced with disgust, “I did not spit on Jack; he spit on himself after he spit on the seat.”

What?” I asked. “He’s spitting on the seat?! That’s gross!”  Incidentally, this is one of those times when I find it appropriate to ask: why do people of any age find enjoyment in recreational spitting? Why waist perfectly good saliva when there’s nothing necessarily nasty to expel from one’s mouth?

Anyway, a moment or two later, Jack came up to share his side of the story. “Mr. Baker, Jill did spit on me! See my shirt? See, this is her spit…she spit on me! See?”

I couldn’t argue with what I saw. There, as plain as the marks on a Dalmatian, were wet spots where something liquidy had collided with his shirt. Somebody had spit on him.

“Jill!” I yelled, “Why did you spit on Jack?” From the back of the bus came an insistent reply, “But I didn’t! He spit on himself just to get me in trouble!”

The Truth Comes Out

Where’s Solomon when you need him? Why can’t school buses be equipped with portable DNA equipment? How was I supposed to determine who spit on whom? How could I prove who needed to be punished with a stern warning and a verbal reprimand? The answer came in a way I never would have dreamed, but I will never forget.

“Mr. Baker…” Jill had made her way back up to the seat behind me, again while I was driving. “Jill, you need to sit down!” I told her.

“But Mr. Baker…” Let me just pause here to try to describe Jill’s way of saying my name. Jill spoke with a slightly non-emotional, matter-of-fact, drawn-out southern drawl. It sounded more like “Miiis-turr Buh-ayyy-kurr…”

“Mr. Baker, I didn’t spit on Jack; he spit on the seats and then on himself to make it look like I did it,” she said. “But I didn’t, and I can prove it.”

“Really,” I asked.

“Yessir,” Jill replied. “You see, Jack was eating green candy, and the spit on his shirt was green – mine is not…SEE!

At that point, just around my right shoulder, came the arm of a little girl. Attached to that arm was a palm, and in that palm was half an ounce of spit – yes, spit! It looked like a blob of clear silicone!

“It wasn’t me that spit, ‘cause my spit is clear, seeeee Mr. Baker?”

I couldn’t argue with her. She proved her point. There was the proof puddled in the palm of her hand, clear as day. I nearly threw up.

Life Lesson

We may not like it, but sometimes the truth is hard to stomach – and nothing like what we expected.

The simple fact is that truth isn’t always pleasant; more often it is nasty. No woman wants to hear the truth when she asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”  No man wants to hear the truth when he asks, “How did I do with the laundry?” But sometimes the truth has to be told to make a difference. Unfortunately, to play off the words of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, many can’t handle the truth.

For example, there is a saying that goes, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” Do you know where that saying came from? It comes from Jesus. He said, “If you continue in my word, then you are my disciples indeed; and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free” (John 8:31-32). The part that is hard for many to stomach is the part where He says, “If you continue in my word…” In other words, in order to know the truth that will set one free, one must be a follower of Jesus Christ.

Some say that truth is relative, that it changes with the circumstances of life. Others have said that there is no truth, only perception (Gustave Flaubert). However, without truth there can be no lie, no wrong, and no remedy for the spit on some kid’s shirt, not to mention the darkness in our hearts. But when we follow Jesus, we can rest assured there is Truth to know, for He said in John 14:6, “I am the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE…”

Route Suggestions

  • When faced with a tough situation, one that demands you make a wise decision, ask God for help. James 1:5 says, “If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God…”
  • Don’t ask someone to tell you the truth about how you look, how well you’re doing your job, etc., unless you’re willing to hear the truth.
  • Don’t “kill the messenger.” If someone does try to tell the truth, don’t get angry when they say the dress makes you look fat. Just get angry because they weren’t sensitive enough to change the subject.
  • Read the book of John in the Bible. Make a list of the claims that Jesus made. Was He telling the truth? For the atheist or agnostic, that may be a truth too hard to handle, but it can set you free.

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Filed under book review, Faith, General Observations, Humor, Life Lessons, salvation

Feedback Needed! Don’t Be a Snotty Susie!

The following is an excerpt from a new book I am trying to complete within the next few days. It will be called Life Lessons from the School Bus. Let me know what you think. Marketable? Funny? Gets the point across? 

“Losing Marbles”

Once there was a little girl on my bus who cried over everything, especially when she didn’t get her way.  She ended up losing her marbles.

Snotty Susie

One morning this little girl – let’s just call her “Snotty Susie” – was crying about how everybody hated her.  Seriously, not two minutes after getting on the bus she started in with her caterwauling (the howling or wailing noise a cat makes). For the next 15 minutes the rest of the kids tried to console her, but all she kept saying through the sniffing, slobbering and crying was “Nobody wants to be my friend! Everybody hates me! WAAAAAH!

Fortunately, we reached the elementary school before everyone went deaf from the crying. Then, just as “Snotty Susie” was stepping off the bus, a little boy who had gotten off in front of her looked back and said, “Nobody hates you, Susie; we just don’t like you.”

At least the little guy was being honest.

The Great Giveaway

Well, that afternoon, when the elementary kids were getting on the bus to go home, “Susie” got on first and sat on the front row. “Would you like a marble, Mr. Baker?” she asked. “No,” I said, “I have plenty.”

What kind do you have?” she asked. “The round kind,” I replied.

Then, as the other children entered the bus, just as soon as they walked past her, she would ask, “Would you like a marble? You can have it for keeps. EVERYONE! Get your FREE marble, if you WANT one!

I asked, “What are you doing? Why are you giving away your marbles?” She said, “Because I am going to MAKE them like me.

Honestly, I felt sorry for the poor little girl. No one had ever taught her how to make friends.

Life Lesson

When we treat people poorly, and then try to buy their friendship with shiny trinkets, we end up losing our marbles.

“Snotty Susie” usually had a bad attitude about everything. She regularly talked mean to other kids, made fun of them, and then cried out in emotional pain when someone wasn’t nice to her. No one wanted to be her friend because she was NOT friendly! She couldn’t even buy friends for a day.

The saddest part was that I picked up a handful of marbles after all the children got off.

Route Suggestions

  • King Solomon said, “A man that has friends must show himself friendly” (Proverbs 18:24). How can you be nice to someone today?
  • Don’t try to buy your friends. If you do, you’ll just go broke (marble deficient) trying to keep them.
  • Don’t let anyone buy YOUR friendship. Be a real friend to somebody who’s a marble short.

[UPDATED IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE LESS SOPHOMORIC. I HOPE IT WORKED.]

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Filed under book review, Humor, Life Lessons

Scrutinizing the Meatball Story

Preface

The way this post came about is simple: it’s my daughter Haley’s birthday. How is that relevant? Well, there’s a classic Italian restaurant in our town called Provino’s where you can eat free on your birthday (with proof, of course).

provino's

Image Credit: Provino’s

Thinking of Italian food, my wife started in with an old, familiar children’s song, “On Top of Spaghetti.” It only took a couple of lines before Haley, little Miss Observant, started picking apart the whole meatball-getting-blown-off-with-a-sneeze thing.

I had to join in.

Observations

The following observations and questions submitted, had they been used shortly after the incident, would have proven early on that the whole meatball story was a fabrication – a lie.

It is our contention that “On Top of Spaghetti” has been used as a pattern by children seeking to fabricate their own explanations for why food disappears from the table and ends up either on the floor, eaten by the family pet, or outside under a bush.

Please accept the following for consideration:

1. Who sneezed? Who is this “somebody”? Were they ever held accountable for contaminating a person’s meal?

2. How old was the person eating spaghetti and meatballs? Does the song encourage young children to consume choking hazards? Should it be banned from pre-schools?

3. How hard does a person have to sneeze in order to blow a meatball off it’s cheese-covered perch? Even more, what nasal velocity would be required to dislodge a meatball from it’s settled location with enough force to cause it to roll off the table and onto the floor? The blast required from the sneezer must have been severely traumatic due to the air pressure that must have been required to remove a meatball from its resting place. Was any medical attention needed?

4. If the meatball in question was subjected to enough force to blow it from the table, onto the floor, out of the door, and out into the yard, wouldn’t the rest of the spaghetti have been disturbed? Why no mention of that?

5. The song describes the meatball rolling off the table, hitting the floor, then rolling out the door. It would seem that…

a) Since the meatball in question was admittedly covered with “sauce,” the sauce would have caused considerable resistance, thereby increasing the wind speed necessary to propel the meatball.

b) It is nearly impossible to imagine how a meatball being propelled by a blast of wind could have “rolled” and fallen to the floor, after which it is said to have continued to roll, without first becoming air-born.

6. Was the person eating spaghetti living in the United States? If so, was he/she living in a barn? Why was the front door open? Someone must have never heard about flies.

7. Before the meatball in question ended up under some kind of bush, it is said to first have rolled through some kind of garden. What kind of garden? Were there no other plants which could have impeded the meatball’s rolling progression? Again, what kind of propulsion would have been necessary for this to happen?

8. It is said that by the time the meatball came to rest under a shrubbery, it was “nothing but mush.” It would seem, then, that the collision with the bush must have cause the damage; “mush” does not roll.

9 . According to testimony, the “mush was so tasty, as tasty could be…” So, was the meatball disturbed after coming to rest? Was it tasted after rolling into the garden? Was it the meatball or accumulated fertilizer that was so tasty?

10. Lastly, it is said that the tasty, meaty projectile grew into a meatball tree (each meatball covered in sauce) in less than a year. This is questionable because,

a) Seeds never grow into fruit-producing trees in less than a year.

b) Sauce is a condiment, not integral with the meatball itself.

Conclusion

It is clear to my 14 year-old daughter and myself that the person who lost his/her “poor meatball” is attempting to cover up a crime. The explanation given for the missing meatball is too incredible to believe, and therefore must be the result of a spur-of-the-moment, child-like fanciful attempt to disguise the willful hurling of a meat product as an accident, thereby attempting to lay the blame on someone who sneezed.

Happy birthday, Haley! Keep thinking things through!

A faithful witness will not lie: but a false witness will utter lies. … The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going. – Proverbs 14:5, 15

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Filed under Food, General Observations, Humor, Parenting, Relationships and Family, wisdom

Monday Monkey Re-Run

It’s a Monday and some of you need a smile. It’s been a while since this was last posted, but it’s worthy of a re-run.

One of the greatest country songs to come out of Nashville in the last, oh, 20 years was Jesus Take the Wheel.

This video is not meant to make fun of that song, so I hope Carrie Underwood doesn’t hate me when she sees this (I hope she see this).

This episode/edition of “Monday Monkey” pays tribute to Jesus Take the Wheel, while at the same time making fun of Monday-morning drivers.

“There’s a Monkey at the Wheel”

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Thursday Thoughts (Elk vs. Hunter Talk)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here, today, in the sight of the NSA, to join my thoughts with your thoughts in a somewhat semi-holy-like bond of conversamony (I made that up).

If there is anyone logged on who objects to this union, please comment now, or forever hold your peace (or just click the red “X” at the top right corner of your computer screen).

Elk Talk

Do elk talk? I have no idea. I’m sure they have some sort of language with which they communicate online and in their lodge meetings, but I know little of what it may sound like.

However, I could not help but ponder what THIS elk might have been thinking or saying quietly under his breath while staring down a hunter.

elk talkThe picture you see is a screen grab from a video posted by a radio station (95.7 KJR) on their Facebook page. The hunter remained perfectly still as this elk walked right up to him and stood there, sniffing, looking, and possibly whispering in a Clint Eastwood-like tone…

What Does the Elk Say?

  • “Well, ring-a-ding-ding-a-dingaling, what have we here?”
  • “Thought I couldn’t see ya’, didn’t ya’? Thought I’d never seen a bush walk in the woods before, didn’t ya’? Who’s look’n at who, now? Huh? LOOK at me!”
  • “Skeeerrrd? Who’s the one with sharp, pointy things on his head, eh?”
  • “Go ahead, punk! Make my day!”

What Does the Hunter Say (or think silently to himself)?

  • “Jeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzz…” (probably not slang, but a slow, cautiously-mouthed prayer to the Savior for help)
  •  “Ahh, man! It’s too cold to have wet pants!”
  • “I’m a little statue…I’m a little statue…”
  • “Was that doe or buck urine I put on?”

Maybe this is why I never hunted anything bigger than squirrel. 

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Filed under animals, blogging, Humor

Movies We Should Make!

Noah

noah-280314I know, we’ve heard about all we want to hear about Noah, the unbelievably un-biblical movie meant to be a slap in the face to Bible-believers everywhere. That’s why I am not going to give you any commentary; you’ve probably read it all by now.

One thing is for sure (and this movie proves it in spades), whenever you go to a movie you’re likely to be disappointed if you think the screen adaptation is going to be as good as the book. Seriously, how often are movies as good as the books they are loosely based on? About the only ones I can think of are the first Narnia movie (Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe) and the version of A Christmas Carol that had George C. Scott in it. That’s about it.

Noah’s story, as found in the Bible, is perfectly exciting. It is full of all the things that make a great movie a great movie: drama, action, animals, exotic locations, suspense, larger-than-life sets, and colorful characters. It even has its share of death, destruction, pathos, and the miraculous. So why change all of that? Why trash the written account in order to create a fictitious, over-the-top, insulting flop?

Knoahk-offs

Maybe it’s time we go ahead and make more movies using the Noah template? Instead of calling these new movies knock-offs, we could call them knoahk-offs! I mean, why not take the stories atheists and humanists know and love and turn them into evangelical sermons?

Let me see if I can come up with a few ideas off the top of my head…

  • The God Delusion (by Richard Dawkins). In this movie, a must-see by Dawkins’ fans, Yahweh actually sits down with Little Richard (the singer) to compose a musical called “The Delusion of Unbelief.” In this unique creation (pun intended), God describes Himself to the world as a loving, sacrificial Sovereign that wants to open the eyes of unbelieving vegans.
  • God Is Not Great (by Christopher Hitchens). This movie version of a classic by the late, great Hitchens will have audiences rolling in the aisles. God Is Not Great is a Christian comedy featuring the humorous, yet humble side of the Creator. Movie attenders will laugh along with God as He mocks those who deny His existence and get a kick at how He plays practical jokes on unsuspecting, self-deluded college professors at UC Berkeley.
  • Harry Potter (by J.K. Rowling). Atheists and lukewarm Christians everywhere love the Harry Potter series of books and movies, but a remake was inevitable. Yes, a truly accurate depiction of the books (with some creative licence, of course) will be brought to the screen. Instead of witchcraft, Harry will be filled with the Holy Spirit, lead Hermione (who played in Noah) to the Lord, get married, attend Moody Bible Institute, then start Hogwarts Baptist Church in Herefordshire, UK.

So, what do you think? I don’t think anybody will be offended, do you? Freethinkers should applaud trashing the writings of their favorite authors, don’t you think? I mean, at least that’s what people are saying we Christians should do with Noah.

If Darren Aronofsky can create a Noah “for the 21st century,” there’s a lot more stories needing an update. Can you think of a few?

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Filed under Culture Wars, current events, General Observations, Humor, Movie review

Warren-ting a Response

photo (23)

This past weekend our youth went to the beautiful Ridgecrest Conference Center in Ridgecrest, North Carolina. Snow was still on the ground in the Smokey Mountains as we rolled in Friday night.

There at the conference center was a Lifeway bookstore where tons of students would take time between sessions to go shopping.

photo (22)As it happened, I was standing in line, looking at an end cap stocked with Rick Warren’s new thing, The Daniel Plan, when I started some small talk with a young man in line behind me.

Me: It’s not that complicated, you know?

Student: What’s that?

Me: The Daniel Plan, it’s really not that complicated. It can be summed up in two simple steps.

Student: Really, like how?

Me: First, you go and get yourself captured by a foreign nation and held captive for a while. That’s the first step, and it always makes you lose weight. Second, just eat vegetables. Pretty simple, don’t you think?

Student: (With a puzzled look) It that all it’s about? Really?

Me: Oh, I don’t know, but that’s all the Bible really tells us about Daniel’s weight-loss plan: get captured; eat veggies.

Student: Then what else did you write about?

Me: (Equally puzzled at this moment) Huh?

rick warrenStudent: You wrote the book…you are Rick Warren, right?

Me: What?! Heck no! Wait, do you want my autograph? Buy one of the books and I’ll sign it.

Student: You’re not Rick Warren?

Me: No, sorry, I’m not.

Student: I guess that makes more sense, then. I was wondering why you would be standing in line staring at your own books.

Do I really look like Rick Warren? Really?

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Filed under fitness, Food, General Observations, Humor, places, Southern Baptist