Movies We Should Make!

Noah

noah-280314I know, we’ve heard about all we want to hear about Noah, the unbelievably un-biblical movie meant to be a slap in the face to Bible-believers everywhere. That’s why I am not going to give you any commentary; you’ve probably read it all by now.

One thing is for sure (and this movie proves it in spades), whenever you go to a movie you’re likely to be disappointed if you think the screen adaptation is going to be as good as the book. Seriously, how often are movies as good as the books they are loosely based on? About the only ones I can think of are the first Narnia movie (Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe) and the version of A Christmas Carol that had George C. Scott in it. That’s about it.

Noah’s story, as found in the Bible, is perfectly exciting. It is full of all the things that make a great movie a great movie: drama, action, animals, exotic locations, suspense, larger-than-life sets, and colorful characters. It even has its share of death, destruction, pathos, and the miraculous. So why change all of that? Why trash the written account in order to create a fictitious, over-the-top, insulting flop?

Knoahk-offs

Maybe it’s time we go ahead and make more movies using the Noah template? Instead of calling these new movies knock-offs, we could call them knoahk-offs! I mean, why not take the stories atheists and humanists know and love and turn them into evangelical sermons?

Let me see if I can come up with a few ideas off the top of my head…

  • The God Delusion (by Richard Dawkins). In this movie, a must-see by Dawkins’ fans, Yahweh actually sits down with Little Richard (the singer) to compose a musical called “The Delusion of Unbelief.” In this unique creation (pun intended), God describes Himself to the world as a loving, sacrificial Sovereign that wants to open the eyes of unbelieving vegans.
  • God Is Not Great (by Christopher Hitchens). This movie version of a classic by the late, great Hitchens will have audiences rolling in the aisles. God Is Not Great is a Christian comedy featuring the humorous, yet humble side of the Creator. Movie attenders will laugh along with God as He mocks those who deny His existence and get a kick at how He plays practical jokes on unsuspecting, self-deluded college professors at UC Berkeley.
  • Harry Potter (by J.K. Rowling). Atheists and lukewarm Christians everywhere love the Harry Potter series of books and movies, but a remake was inevitable. Yes, a truly accurate depiction of the books (with some creative licence, of course) will be brought to the screen. Instead of witchcraft, Harry will be filled with the Holy Spirit, lead Hermione (who played in Noah) to the Lord, get married, attend Moody Bible Institute, then start Hogwarts Baptist Church in Herefordshire, UK.

So, what do you think? I don’t think anybody will be offended, do you? Freethinkers should applaud trashing the writings of their favorite authors, don’t you think? I mean, at least that’s what people are saying we Christians should do with Noah.

If Darren Aronofsky can create a Noah “for the 21st century,” there’s a lot more stories needing an update. Can you think of a few?

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17 Comments

Filed under Culture Wars, current events, General Observations, Humor, Movie review

17 responses to “Movies We Should Make!

  1. Well, maybe you can bring your ideas to the attention of some movie producers. See what they say. If there really is a movie worth making, they’ll do it. It’s not about anyone’s love for an original 40-line story and deciding whether or not to”trash” it; producers look at the story that’s proposed and they make it a movie if they think they’ll get their money back. So stop clammering. Not everything is about you.

    • Barbara, thank you for stopping by and for leaving a comment. However, I’m not sure whether or not you understood the sarcasm of my post. I don’t believe there’s any way in hades that any movie producers would pick up my ideas. They were meant to be illustrative of the utter contempt the director/screenwriters had for the actual story.

      • I did get the sarcasm. I supposed you didn’t understand MY sarcasm disguised as innocence. Of course there’s no way in hell producers would pick up your ideas, because they’re bad ideas. Apparently they felt that the director’s idea for Noah were good. My point is that they’re not interested in who’s going to be offended because it doesn’t stick to the “actual” fictional paragraph in your favorite book. They see a story that enough people will be interested in seeing, and they do it. If you were complaining about the way Disney butchered Winnie the Pooh, an entire book, without any regard for the subtle English humor and the illustrations that make it what it is, I’d be right there with you. But the Bible has always been interpreted however anyone feels that it’s convenient to interpret it–it’s the only reason it’s so popular–and this is a little 40-line piece of early science fiction. There’s no longer any copyright, so it’s fair game. If you don’t want to see it, then don’t see it, but you don’t own those 40 lines.

      • Barbara, believe it or not, I did NOT catch your original sarcasm; I actually gave you the benefit of the doubt and considered you might be a nice person trying to help. Obviously, I was wrong in my assumption, for it appears to me to me that you are nothing but an bitter atheist who has a peculiar beef with “40 lines.”

        If it would help to clear things up, I thought my movie ideas were bad, too! And for owning those “40 lines,” I wish I did, don’t you?

      • You thought I was a nice person trying to help: help with what? Help you complain that there’s such a thing as poetic license, imagination, interpretation? As for me being a bitter atheist, that’s a common mistake religious people make. You seem to think we’re bitter because we’re missing something. But I’ve never believed in a god, so I have nothing to be bitter about. As for having a beef with the 40 lines, it seems to me you do. You’re the one who wants to own them and who’s bitter that you don’t. Anyway, enough of this.

      • OK! OK! I get it now, ok? You are a sweet atheist with an elitist mean streak: sweet and sour candy made of faithless, short-lived calories.

        But the “40 line” thing still puzzles me. In all my years of Bible study I’ve never heard the story of Noah referred to in such a way. Is that like a new catchphrase for sweet atheists, or something? I mean, seriously, there over 200 lines (conservatively) in the Bible beside my bed, and that doesn’t include the back story of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel (as mentioned in the movie). So, where do you get this number of 40? Maybe you’re talking about a Bible printed in single column and fine print?

  2. This line in the comment above:

    “But the Bible has always been interpreted however anyone feels that it’s convenient to interpret it–it’s the only reason it’s so popular”

    Is so wrong it is not even fathomable how anyone could believe it.

    The Bible is far from “popular”. It’s Truth to those who know, yes. It’s not easy to understand it all in the human mind, yes. But popular? Not hardly.

    Popular =Secular and it’s anything but secular.

    • The Bible is the the most widely distributed book of all time. Annual sales are estimated at over a hundred *million* copies. That’s a figure that dwarfs dozens of secular works combined.

      Saying it isn’t popular is laughably absurd. It also betrays the myth of Christian persecution.

      Perhaps try other books too! 🙂

      • I am quite certain you are missing my point.

        As a devout Christ Follower, I see nothing about the Bible as “popular”. It is a book to further our walk with Jesus, learn about the only True God, as well as deepen our relationship with God. If a person has that relationship in its true form, then that person understands completely what I mean by “it’s not popular”.

        To further clarify, in case you are not one of those people:
        Jesus was and still is hated except by those who truly follow and love Him. That is not popularity.

        Furthermore:
        It’s not a brain thing… it’s a heart thing.

        But since you are a person who finds it *necessary* to correct Anthony’s spelling and tell me my comment is absurd when I meant it in a deep way, well… I’d guess you’ll stick with the brain thing.

        Me? I’ll stick with the heart thing.

      • Don’t worry about Andrew, Heather. He’s the resident stalking atheist. His beef with all things holy carries over to what I write, so I’m getting used to it. However, I did think he walked away in anger never to return. But alas, Twitter proved to be too much of a draw, I suppose.

        I’ve told him I’m praying for him. My prayer is that one day, maybe even on his deathbed, his hardened heart will break and he will admit his need for the Jesus on whom he turned his back. Until then, I guess I will just have to endure his Dawkins-like mocking. I know he loves me 😉

      • No worries here. I have many great conversations with unbelievers, atheists, agnostics… many are still in the “brain thing.” I used to be. The funny thing is most don’t know that about me… that I used to be in it. But now… it is the heart thing that drives me.
        I usually only converse with those who are respectful. Only time tells on that one. 😉

  3. I think this is a great idea! Here’s one, from the beloved *cough* Twilight series. The true accurate depiction will feature not Vampires and Werewolves, but brothers in Christ who will help the girl (don’t know her name) to find her God given purpose. They live in a land of persecution though, so the brothers will have to protect her, to add some necessary 21st century action to the flick as well.

    That’ll sell like hotcakes for sure.

  4. *aisle

    (I did get a good laugh at the thought of groups of audiences rolling around tiny archipelagos though…)

  5. Marybeth Altizer

    I am so glad I found this blog! Thank you for being sensitive to Christ!

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