Tag Archives: ISIS

Ending Terror Through Job Placement

WARNING! The following post is full of political opinion and satire. 

Pontificating Pundit 

Marie-Harf-Marie Harf, a spokeswoman for the U. S. State Department, knows what it will take to stop ISIS from continuing their head-removing ways. Yes, she is smarter than the rest of us, and she is ready to prove it.

In a recent interview with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews on “Hardball” she said: “We need … to go after the root causes that leads people to join these groups…” And what is one of the root causes?

…lack of opportunity for jobs…

Forget the fact that Osama bin Ladin was wealthy long before his cave-dwelling days. Forget the fact that most ISIS recruits from western nations actually leave jobs in order to fight. Completely forget the fact that no amount of earthly gain can compare to the hope of being martyred, thereby entering a paradise with scores of virgins to satisfy your eternal desires. No, jobs are the answer.

According to Marie Harf, if ISIS fighters only had places where they could earn a decent wage, enough to feed one’s harem and groom one’s goat, then there would be no need for them to wage holy war against civilization.

Jihadi Job Fair

So, just to be helpful, I found a website that listed 10 left-wing companies where liberals are encouraged to shop. These companies are considered beacons of progressiveness, ones that not only support every left-wing agenda, but also give nearly 100% of their political donations to Democrats. In other words, companies who love Marie Harf’s boss.

job fairIf job creation would stop terrorism, then I think the first ones to test the theory should be the progressive companies who support the thinkers in the State Department. The following are the 1o progressive companies listed on Liberals Unite: the 24-Hour News Magazine for Discerning Liberals and what I suggest they could offer the young liberals of ISIS.

  1. Levi Strauss & Co. – “In 2010 they were even awarded a GLAAD award for their positive depiction of the LGBT community in their advertising.” Really? Along with sprucing up ISIL’s style, I’m sure there are a few jihadists who would be GLAAD to take a stab at advertising.
  2. Costco – Billed as the “anti-Walmart” and a company that promotes “equal rights,” I’m sure they could offer plenty of jobs in retail to both men and women. We know how much those ISIS guys love working side-by-side with the opposite sex.
  3. Starbucks – This company, at least according to Liberals Unite, is also a huge supporter of gay marriage and LGBT rights. Think of all the jobs they could create! The last I heard, ISIS and the gay community were meeting regularly on roof tops. Anyone for a cafe grande with a view?
  4. Always – Not that women are allowed to work outside the home in any area ruled by ISIS, but what an opportunity for advancement! “Most recently they launched their ‘Like a Girl’ campaign which directly challenges the stereotype that girls are weak.” I’m sure thousands would leave the battlefield to work here!
  5. Sonic – Gotta love those hot dogs! Take off those combat boots and put on those skates!
  6. Microsoft – Since the “JV team” has proven their ability to capitalize on multimedia and is becoming more proficient with video production, I’m sure a few high-paying, high-tech jobs would stop ISIS from hacking military websites.
  7. Calvin Klein – Underwear. Sexy clothes for men. The applications should come in like a flood.
  8. Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia – Every ISIS fighter loves a strong, female leader. Extremism would come to an end the moment decorating classes began.
  9. Heineken – Just because alcohol is forbidden, that doesn’t mean a good liberal Muslim wouldn’t want to brew a few. And this company is really big-time against global warming, so… I bet those guys in black get pretty hot out there. I bet they’d love to be combating global warming instead of killing infidels.
  10. Trader Joe’s – Never mind that ISIS fighters have blown up everything of cultural significance in their march to Rome, every good jihadist is environmentally conscious. They would be thrilled to wear an apron and sell cage-free eggs. Anything for the environment and a paycheck.

I know this isn’t funny, but sometimes I don’t know what else to do but laugh at the insanity of it all.

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Filed under current events, General Observations, politics

Facetious Friday

Nothing Serious

This is Friday. It’s been a good day, so far. So, I’m not going to get on my soapbox about anything, not even the biggest topics of the day.

No, I’m not going to address President Obama’s insanely ludicrous pandering to the pluralistic left at the National Prayer Breakfast.

No, I’m not going to address ISIS(L), burning people alive, Kings who act like real men and fly jets, or presidents who drink sweetened beer with uplifted pinkies, either.

Today is a day for something totally stupid…as if the daily news wasn’t full of it already.

Alien Inside

The following (mostly) true story took place on my bus at around 7:45 a.m. in response to an honest, child-like question. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent.

Me:  (to the kids on my bus) Do y’all know about Miss Cassie (she’s married, but we call her “Miss”)?

Kids:  Yeah, she’s going to have a baby.

Me:   No she’s not.

Kids:  Yes she is.

Me:   No, she is not.

Kids:  UH HUH!! YES, she IS!

Me:   You don’t know what you’re talking about…she is not going to have a baby!

Kids:  You’re crazy, Mr. Baker! You know she’s having a baby, haven’t you seen her?

Me:   Oh, I’ve seen her, but she’s not having a baby – she’s having an alien.

Kids:  NUH UHHHH!! That’s CRAZY! She ain’t havin’ no alien!

Me: Is she big and fat?

Kids:  Yes.

Me:  See. She’s going to have an alien.

Kids:  NO SHE AIN’T! How do you know she’s having an alien?

Me:   She was taken up in a space ship and they put an alien baby seed inside her.

Kids:  NUH UH, Mr. Baker! You don’t know that!

Me:  She eats green beans, doesn’t she?

Kids:  We don’t know! That don’t matter anyway!

Me:   Just ask her…ask her if she eats green beans.

Kids:  Why?

Me:   You have to eat green beans to make the alien baby green.

Kids:  No the DON’T!

Me:   Just ask her…ask her if she eats green beans. If she does, then she’s having an alien.

Kids:  That don’t mean nothin!

Me:  Is she pregnant?

Kids:  Yes! She’s having a baby!

Me:  Do you know what the word pregnant means? It comes from two words: Preg, which means “Alien”; and Nunt, which means “inside.” Pregnant means “Alien inside,” so, she’s having an alien.

Kids:  She AIN’T havin’ an ALIEN!!

Me:   Just ask her.

One child:  Mr. Baker, where do babies come from?

Me:  The hospital.


Miss Hensley (she’s marred, too):  Welllll, thank you very much, Mr. Baker! The kids from your bus were sooo thoughtful…asking me about my squirrel bite, and all.

Me:  Only trying to help.


Filed under current events, Humor, politics