Category Archives: Humor

by | October 16, 2012 · 5:59 pm

“Freshly Pressed” High, then Reality

Woo Hoo!

I was so thrilled when I was told this blog was going to be featured on “Freshly Pressed.” I was literally ecstatic (well, let me make sure of the definition – a trance-like state of joy or delight – OK, that’s good), really I was.

Just the thought that this wee widdle bwog was chosen out of so many thousands was mind blowing. It was better than when I got the Perfect Attendence Award in 3rd grade! Or was it 4th grade? Or was it the spelling bee?

Anyway, on October 1st my recorded views gradually climbed and climbed, peaking out at 942 by midnight. Wow! Never in one day has so many people come to read anything I had ever written. Wow!

Woo!

Then October 2nd came. Wow! Several hundred views in one day. Not too bad, little camper!

And then all the other days came…and went…with gradually declining numbers. It was like watching Enron‘s stock prices fall. It was like I was watching my stats try to break the sound barrier after leaping from a record height.

But it was all right. I knew that going in. I knew there were no promises that I would become an award-winning blogger overnight, all because of some silly award-like gift from the blogging mega-minds at WordPress. I mean, after all, I did get a few followers and a whole lot of “likes” (to which I have not yet finished replying – sorry).

Oh Hooey!

No, the real problem was that once the initial high was over, I had to face reality. Only 1000 views in a day? Are you kidding? I was excited about nearly 1000 views in a day?

Do you realize that there are blogs out there that receive tens of thousands of views a day? Let me spell that out – Tee Eee Enn Thous Ain’t Nothin’. Whatever.

If getting thousands of views a day means I  have to become another Perez Hilton, forget it.

Oh Hey!

Thanks, though, for all of you who regularly stop by to read my nonsense. You are appreciated. All 15 of you.

Now back to writing about stuff that matters. My wife just told me, “You keep writing stuff like that, and if it were me, I would quit coming back to see what you wrote – all that ‘just to write‘ stuff doesn’t interest me. Just saying.”

Next Topic: How NOT to Encourage Your Spouse

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by | October 10, 2012 · 1:09 pm

Blog Drug

Can’t Help It!

I have so much writing to do by tomorrow night, it isn’t even funny (but that won’t keep me from finding something to laugh about, especially when I start operating on no sleep). I have to get a research paper done  – no excuses.

But when I keep getting email notifications of other blog posts, it’s like waving an addictive drug in front of an addict to addictive drugs. It’s driving me crazy! I want to write about stuff, too!

So, even though I am on a deadline, I had to get on here and say something. I can’t help it. It’s been too long.

Something

“Something.” There, I said it.

That does remind me of a professor I had years and years and years ago. Dr. Jay P. Trimble was a black (African-American, to be politically correct) pastor and veteran of the Vietnam war. He was (and is) a tough cookie.

Whenever Dr. Trimble would say something worth saying, and he knew it, he expected a response. If he didn’t get an “amen,” a “hallelujah,” or a “you got that right,” he would slam his hand on the pulpit and say in a loud, gruff voice that would remind you of a Harley Davidson revving its engine, “I SAID something!”

Well, I might not have had anything worth saying, but I DID say “something.”

Can I get an “AMEN!”?

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by | October 1, 2012 · 1:51 am

Monday Without a Monkey

Where’s the Monkey?

Believe it or not, I am not a total goof. I do have a life outside of the warmth of that stitched glove with arms, legs, ears, eyes, and a big mouth – the furry glove called “Mr. Monkey.”

Yet, some people ask, “If it’s Monday, where’s the monkey?”  The answer is that every once in a while I have to step away from my partnership with the “unregenerate ape” in order to pursue other activities.

Whatcha Doin’?

Have you ever been trying to enjoy a day off from work, or maybe a simple dentist appointment, when you got a phone call asking, “Hey, whatcha doin’?”

Because I’m a popular guy, you see, I get that question all the time. I get calls from work, church, church members, family, friends, would-be friends, friends-of-friends, my kid’s friends, and people who say they know me. They all want to know what I am doing.

What’s more, as a pastor I am always on call, so my cell phone had to be surgically implanted (I won’t say where). Calls come in all the time from people wanting to know what I’m doing, and they always come at a time when I have to lie, like…

  • When I am in the section of a store that sells stuff my daughters are too embarrassed to purchase on their own.
  • When I am in the bathroom.
  • When I am watching a movie when I should be doing something productive, like washing dishes, or killing an elk.
  • or, When marriage proves to be more than a friendly relationship.

But if you were to call this week or the next, you’d get the following answers…

  • Finishing three six-page papers and one 15 page research paper due by the 11th.
  • Finishing another research paper that requires a presentation with Power Point.
  • Taking my little girl to do something destructive, like shooting tin cans, or knife throwing.
  • Taking my 16-year-old daughter to the recording studio to work on her first project.
  • Studying for at least 6 sermons.
  • Driving a school bus.
  • Writing posts for ProverbialThought.com.
  • Recording a radio broadcast.
  • Meeting with church staff to map out some future plans.
  • Attending my daughter’s last two volley ball games.
  • Spending more time in prayer.
  • and, trimming my eyebrows.

Whatcha’ NOT Doin’?

What I will not be doing is making any promises to do anything else. Now, according to an email I got the other day, this blog is supposed to be featured on the WordPress “Just Pressed” page. If that actually happens, I’ll be doing a dance in front of my computer, but you will NOT see it.

Most of all, I will not be goofing around with Mr. Monkey for a little while. Not only Mondays, but every other day of the week will be crazy. So, if you call, expect a busy signal.

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by | September 27, 2012 · 1:25 pm

Forbidden Food

Breaking the Law

Just because I am a recovering legalist, that does not mean that I advocate breaking the law. The law is there for a reason…which is a whole other theological issue.

But when it comes to laws around the house, especially ones which my wife makes without letting me have a say, anything is up for grabs. The law that says I can’t steal a box of Nilla wafers because she was planning to use them in a banana pudding is absolutely crazy. Who does she think she is?

So, what you will see in this post are actual photographs of a crime in progress. In order to show you one of my favorite foods, I had to break the law.

Nilla Wafers & Peanut Butter

Yesterday, I talked about comfort food. Well, this is another comfort food…at least for me. And it is more than a comfort – it is a thrill.

I like peanut butter. I also like Nilla (pronounced like “vanilla,” but without the “va”) wafers. But when you put them both together you get something akin to a drug. But this drug is not available on the street; it has to be dug out of hiding places around my house.

You see, my wife makes some awesome banana pudding (that’s another post), so she need these wafers. And because she knows that I really like putting peanut butter on them, she thinks she can hide them until she needs them.

Not always, dear.

How They’re Made

What you do is take a box of wafers, open it up, and pour out a random amount into a plate (and let’s get this straight, if they are not Nabisco brand Nilla wafers, they are nasty). Next, you count them. But, there has to be an even number, because you need two to sandwich the peanut butter. It’s not an obsessive-compulsive thing.

Once you have determined that you have an even number, you take a clean knife (obviously) and spread any kind of peanut butter (unless it’s that generic toxic waste stuff) on one wafer. Make sure there is enough, too. Because what you want is enough to squeeze out around the sides when you press the two together. That’s the part you lick off (but I won’t show you that part).

There is also another reason for having an even number. Having an odd number will only make you want to go back for more. When I do, that is when my wife catches me.

Busted

As I was writing this post, my wife walked in the front door. Then, as she came by me sitting at the computer, I handed the box of crispy wafers to her – smiling. She smiled back with an understanding look…like she perfectly understands how she is going to remind me of the “law.”

Thankfully, she’s forgiving. Unfortunately, no banana pudding tonight.

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by | September 17, 2012 · 9:31 am

Monday Monkey “Happy Birthday” (Episode 30)

Woo Hoo! Happy Birthday!

Yep, it’s my birthday. I am 45 years old. 45 years ago one woman was given the honor to be my mother.

Will there be cake? I don’t know. Will there be presents? I don’t know. Will there be donations sent in from around the world to the Keep Anthony from Being Poor fund? I don’t know.

What Matters

Aside from a loving family and a roof over my head, what more could I ask for? Riches? No. A new car? Uh, no. I think I have been pretty blessed. And what’s more, I have something that no one else in the world has…

I have a monkey that can sing “happy birthday” to me.

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by | September 16, 2012 · 3:04 pm

You Might Be a Sinner If…

I’m a Redneck

Yes, I confess. I am a redneck, especially considering how burned my neck is after standing out in the sun for five+ hours. Which leads me to ask a question of myself…why do I never remember sun screen unless I go to a beach?

And I also know that I am a redneck because Jeff Foxworthy told me so. If you remember, Foxworthy’s comic routine made famous the line, “You might be a redneck.” Here are some that I know have applied to me at least once over the 45 years of my life (as of tomorrow, the 17th).

You might be a redneck if…

  • You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
  • Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  • Directions to your house include “Turn off the  paved road.”
  • Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a  flashlight.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.

I’m a Sinner

Unlike a whole lot of people in this world (and in a world of their own), I can admit that I am a sinner. The only difference is that once I confessed my inability to change my nature, I traded my “filthy rags” for the imputed righteousness of Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:9). Now, I’m still a sinner, but I’m am a saved sinner.

So, based on the actions of Adam and Eve in the third chapter of Genesis, I took a cue from Jeff Foxworthy and came up with my own list of “you might be’s.” From that list I preached a message entitled “You Might Be a Sinner If…”

You might be a sinner if…

  •   You have ever talked to a Serpent – and taken its advice (v. 2).
  •   You know the difference between “Naked” and “Necked” (v. 7). Side Note: If you consider fig leaves appropriate attire, you might be a sinner.
  •  You feel like running when the law shows up (v. 8).
  •  God is searching for you, and not the other way around (v. 9).
  •  You feel self-conscious or defensive about anything you’ve ever done (v. 9-10).
  •  You ever play the “blame game” – Others, “The devil made me do it” (v. 11-13).
  •  You were born (Romans 5:12).

Change of Status

Some people try on their own to change their status in life. Sometimes rednecks move away from Redneckville in order to become a different person. But what they find out is that Redneckville never left their heart. They still have those same desires to grill Spam and fish with dynamite.

In the same way, many people think, once they finally realize they are sinners, that change can come with a simple change of atmosphere, or the turning over of a new fig leaf.

The fact is that sinners don’t become “saints” on their own. It takes outside intervention.

If we confess with our sins, he is faithful to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9

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by | September 12, 2012 · 1:23 pm

NBC: “We Will Re-mam-ber”

Thank You

I just want to thank the Today Show and NBC for focusing on the more important things in this world. Not being pressured, the Today Show stood firm in its resolve to raise breast implant awareness to the position it deserves.

At 8:46 am on the day when everyone else in New York were observing a moment of silence, you were anything but silent. And because of your voice, your interview with Kris Jenner is firmly implanted in our minds.

Even though it is important to remember such a traumatic date as 9/11, you felt it was more important (paraphrasing Jenner) “to remind women that, you know, check your expiration date.”

The Message

While President Obama and the First Lady were standing in silence; while families of those who were killed bowed their heads; while first responders stood quietly remembering their fallen comrades; you reminded us that fallen comrades and family members, even fallen buildings, are not as important as the cure for fallen breasts.

Eleven years ago on September 11th, the world gasped as they witnessed the horror of Islamic terrorism bringing America to her knees. Each year after that we have been remembering the very moment when the first plane hit the World Trade Center. But you, oh herald of all things truly relevant, made the decision to speak out during the silence. How brilliant!

Now, instead of fallen heroes, we are focused on fallen breasts. Instead of the tears of a nation, we will remember the clear silicone that is close to so many hearts. And instead of the faces of those lost on that tragic day, we will now remember the face of the reality TV star who was brave enough to talk about her expansions.

Thank you, Today Show and NBC, for preaching the mammary message we all need to hear – “Towers may fall, but boobs don’t have to.”

Don’t worry, NBC, we WILL remamber!

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by | September 10, 2012 · 12:16 am

Monday Monkey “Monkeys Hate Alarm Clocks” (Episode 29)

Keeping With the Times

Yes, in keeping with the “times,” I have produced another video with a clock in it. The last one I made stirred up a long string of comments and heated debate.

Maybe the atheists will approve of this one. (insert winking smiley face)

Oh! I almost forgot! Check out my daughter Katie’s photo blog, Shutter Elf. She is a great little photographer, and she is responsible for a couple of shots in the video.

Disclaimer

No monkeys, whether alive or not, were harmed during the making of this video. Also, no hammers were harmed in the making of the video, either.

“Monkeys Hate Alarm Clocks”

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by | September 7, 2012 · 12:59 pm

Old Wisdom on New Bus

It was over a year ago that I did a series of posts entitled “Lessons from the School Bus.” Now that a new school year is here, and because I have a “new” bus for my route, I thought it would be fun to re-visit an old post.

This is my “new” 374 sitting behind our church in front of my study. After I took the picture I realized it is in a handicap parking place. But don’t worry, I don’t park it there on church service days.

(The following post was first published as “Lessons from the School Bus #2”)

“Which Way?”

Every school bus driver is a hero, but Sub Drivers are in a class by themselves. I should know….I was one.

Sub Drivers Rule!

Unlike a driver that has a regular route, a “sub” is driver that drives different routes every day. Whenever a driver gets sick, lays out, or gets fired for doing something stupid, the substitute driver has to drive that route. Most of the time, the call comes without any warning…or sunlight.

However, one of the problems that a sub driver faces is figuring out where to go. Imagine being put in a vehicle with 70 children just out of class, wanting to go home. Imagine you are in a part of town you’ve never been in before. Imagine that you have no instructions or directions, but must depend on the kids (Heaven help us) to get you where you need to go. Been there…done that…literally got the t-shirt.

Now, try to imagine that the very ones that are trying to tell you where to turn don’t EVEN know their rights from their lefts! It happened to me…..surely it did!

“I’m NOT Stupid”

I will never forget pulling up to an intersection and being forced to decide which way to go. I ask, “Which way?” The response comes back, “Go right.” So, that’s what I proceeded to do, when, I swear, the conversation went something like this:

Kid 1:  NOOO! Go RIGHT! You’re going the wrong way!

Me:     Wait, you said “Go right,” so that what I was doing.

Kid 1:  No you weren’t…you’re going left…I said “go right.”

Me:     I DID go right!

Kid 1:  No, you went left.

Kid 2:  You did tell the bus driver to go right, man, and that’s what he did.

Kid 1:  No he didn’t! He went left!

Kid 2: Dude, you must not know your right from your left.

Kid 1:  Shut up! Yes I DO!!

Me:     (To Kid 1) Ok, let’s get this straight. Which is right, and which is left? Hold up your right hand.

Kid 1:  (Holds up his left hand)

Me:     Hold up your left hand.

Kid 1:  (Holds up his right) See, I told you. I’m NOT stupid!

Life Lesson

There is a right way, and there is a wrong way. The right way may be the left way; but if the facts are not right, somebody’s gonna get left. I know I’m right on this one.  As a matter of fact, there is a verse in the Bible that seems to talk about the same thing.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. – Pro 14:12 (NIV)

Make sure of two things: 1) the direction you are going; and 2) that your source of determining right and wrong (or right and left) is reliable. You don’t want to go the wrong way for an eternity, do you?

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by | August 28, 2012 · 7:58 pm

Monday Monkey “What if You Cross a Monkey With Time?” (Episode 28)

A Little Late

I am sorry that this edition of Monday Monkey did not make it out on Monday, but life is not a picnic – or is it? Life is not a bed of roses – or is it?

Picnics have scavenging insects and flying blood-suckers, while roses are covered with thorns. If you were to lay on a bed of roses while out on a picnic without insect repellent, you could die from blood loss and starvation.

Yesterday was not a good day. Let’s just say my family and myself would appreciate your prayers.

A Little Different

This edition of Monday Monkey was done in black and white. Believe it or not, I had to take multiple videos with my Socialcam app in order to achieve the effect. I could not find a single app for my phone that would record in black and white the way that I wanted, especially for free.

It is also a little different because I made up an accent. I don’t know what it really is. Maybe it is a combination of French, Russian, and Romanian. I don’t know.

And believe it or not, I did everything by myself this time. I had no help in the “camera girl” department. I even did the music on an old Yamaha Clavinova.

A Little Controversy

Where’s the controversy? Well, one could say that it is the fact that I call a certain kind of bread “monkey bread,” when it isn’t. But the real controversy can be found in the fact that I make it perfectly clear where I stand with the issue of Creation and Evolution. It’s quick, but it’s in there.

I’m sure, based on previous experience, that some will come on this blog and challenge my beliefs. That’s OK. The last thing I want to be known for is cowering from expressing my beliefs.

A Little Encouragement

That brings me to a final thought. There is no reason for Christians (or those who just believe that the world did not just appear out of nothing or by accident) to cower under the attacks from evolutionists. Sure, a lot of those guys are smart, but that doesn’t mean they are right (I’m sure that won’t set well, either). If you have the truth, don’t be afraid to stand up for it. Just be sure you are able to defend your beliefs with something solid, not just tradition or feeling.

One well-known “scientist” was recently shown telling parents to stop teaching their kids about creation. He said, “We need them [to be engineers, scientists, etc.].” Immediately my mind recalled one of the greatest scientist this country has known, George Washington Carver (1864-1943). Carver said, “I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in.”  – Brainyquote.com

“What if You Cross a Monkey With Time?”

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