A few minutes ago, a couple of hours since the sun peeked over the mountains and began its job of drying up the dew, I stopped by A Sojourner’s Voice. There, Robin Lawrimore posted a poem about the morning. That got me to thinking. Maybe I should write one, too.
Side Effects
Ask Your Doctor
Surely you have seen the commercials on television. They advertise different medications meant to do everything from grow hair to end hot flashes. And at the end of every commercial you hear, “Ask your doctor if ******** is right for you!”
Right for me? Ask my doctor? OK, maybe I will.
“Dr. Close (my general physician), can I ask you something? I saw an add for female hormone replacement medication. Is it right for me?”
A New Disease
I can’t tell you how many times I have watched a commercial and said to myself, “Where did that disease come from? Is it common? Could I be suffering from it? Will I get to wear a colored ribbon?”
Have you ever heard of Trihemamasticular Disease? I googled it – nothing came up. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t an advertisement in the works. At this very moment, there is probably a pill being made which promises to alleviate the symptoms of Trihemamasticular Disease. And if there is, rest assured it will be the best thing for you.
Just be aware of the side effects…
- Common side effects may include the following: nausea, indigestion, coughing, dry mouth, ringing in the ears, and a runny nose.
- Don’t be alarmed if you experience: watery eyes, hair loss, brittle teeth, a craving for oysters, bleeding gums, or stinky feet. These symptoms are usually temporary.
- Stop using this medication if you begin to experience: a reddening of your ear lobes, tooth loss, finger loss, memory loss, or financial loss.
- Avoid the following while taking this medication: leather, crayons, animal fat, peanut butter, aspirin, attitudes, children, loud noises, butterfly feces, clowns, and purified water.
- Get medical attention immediately if you begin to experience: hives, swelling of the left knee, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of starting over, unknown tongues, a desire to star in a reality show, rapid breathing, breathing through a straw while submerged in a river, thoughts of voting Democrat, or a craving for pickles.
Warning Label
As crazy as it may sound, there should also be a warning label inside every Bible. They should make television commercials explaining the possible side effects of following Christ.
Side effects may include:
- Being hated, ridiculed, made fun of, mocked, and parodied.
- Being ostracized, avoided, shunned, passed over for promotions, and fired from a job.
- Being accused of radicalism, racism, fanaticism, and narrow-mindedness.
- A cross to bear.
“Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.” – Matthew 5:11
“Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake.” – Matthew 24:9
“And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” – Luke 9:23
“And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.” – Luke 14:27
Is it right for you?
Filed under Christian Maturity, Humor, salvation, Witnessing, worship
Big Picture. Big Lie.
Makeup
Just the other day I went shopping with my lovely wife, Valerie. She was in the market for some new makeup, but didn’t want to spend a whole lot. So, instead of purchasing Estée Lauder from the mall, we went to Target to find something less expensive.
For the record, I totally support women wearing makeup, just as long as they are not trying to look like Tammy Faye or Lady Gaga (gag gag). Makeup is meant to enhance the natural beauty of a woman. Anything more is false advertising.
But, as I write this, the thought comes to mind, “Anthony, some people out there don’t believe in women wearing makeup.” For those people all I have to say is, “Homely is in the eye of the beholder.”
Big Picture
Once we entered Target and I purchased my usual cup of coffee from Starbucks (they have those in some stores), we turned to walk toward the health and beauty section. A few seconds later I looked up to see a very large, beautiful woman smiling at my wife and me.
I must have looked a little strange standing there…looking up…staring. But, for some reason the clarity of the photo, the flawless teeth, and the sheer size momentarily captivated me. This wasn’t like the time I was seen 10 inches away from a swimsuit calender hanging in men’s locker room. Then, I was staring at the picture of a girl in a bikini because I was convinced she looked like my sister-in-law (it was her). This time I was just amazed at the craft.
Standing next to my wife, I looked up at the giant female face and said, “You know, there are two truths that are evident with this picture: 1) that must have been an awesome camera, and 2) somebody knew how to use Photoshop.”
Big Lie
Too many men, when they look at such airbrushed perfection, fall prey to the lie that woman actually look like that. Some desire to transform their wives into what they see, or seek a new model. They trade the “fountain of their youth” for a mirage.
They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Too bad most men never see past the surface. Real beauty comes from within. Perfection only comes from above.
When I looked past the picture of the super-sized super model, there in the isle was a woman who far exceeds anything created in a studio. With or without makeup, her value exceeds that of rubies (Prov. 31:10) and she is worthy to be praised (Prov. 31:30). My wife is a real beauty – the woman in the picture is just cardboard.
Related articles
- Celebrities Without Makeup (foreverglamgirl.wordpress.com)
- Why God loves outer beauty, too (emilyharrod.wordpress.com)
- Here’s Lady Gaga Without Makeup (thegloss.com)
Somebody’s Watching
Reality TV
Reality television has taken over the airwaves. Nearly every one of the fourteen billion channels have at least one reality show, and there are even whole networks devoted to them. As I was reading Proverbs 5:21-23, I couldn’t help thinking of all those security cameras.
It seems that criminals never learn. Either that, or they never watch reality TV. Do they not know that when they steal gasoline, rob a bank, or mug a toddler at the candy store, someone is watching? Have they never looked up? Have they never noticed that electronic eye mounted in a corner above them?
Never Looking Up
The same question might be asked of us with regards to sin. When will we ever learn that Someone is watching us? When will we look up? When will we notice the “eyes of the Lord?”
“For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings. His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins. He shall die without instruction; and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.” – Proverbs 5:21-23
Addressing the issue of adultery, Solomon warns his sons that sin is not done in secret. No matter how dark the room, or secluded the hotel, “the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth” (2 Chron. 16:9a). Even though one’s husband or wife may not know, God does.
Why doesn’t the sinner look up? Too often he suffers from a form of tunnel vision. He is so focused on the temptation that he becomes blind to everything else, including that heavenly security camera above.
Bound by Sin.
It may seem crazy that a criminal would forget cameras are watching his every move; but some the excuses they give, once caught, are equally insane. Some will literally watch video of themselves committing a crime, then deny it. They say, “That wasn’t me!”
In one program called “Bait Car,” police rig an automobile with hidden cameras. They also wire the care so that it can be remotely shut down and locked. When criminals steal the car, not only do they get filmed, but they get trapped.
Sin has a nasty habit of not letting go. The one who says “Just this once” usually gets bound by his actions. Once the fun is over, there is always a price to pay. Unfortunately for the wicked, most “die without instruction.”
Don’t Get Trapped
The Apostle Paul could have been speaking of the car thief or the adulterer in 1 Corinthians 3:19. The wisdom of the world leads the wicked to think he can get away with sin, but God ”traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness” (NLT).
Yet, for those who have sinned – for those who have forgotten to “look up” – Jesus offers you freedom from the chains of sin. When one “sees Jesus” (John 12:21), he will not only “turn from his wicked ways,” but he will find One who can break the “cords of sin.”
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.” – Luke 4:18 KJV
Filed under General Observations, God, Life Lessons, Uncategorized, wisdom
Just to be Doing It
Sometimes one must write something just to be doing it. That is what I am doing right now.
It has been a few days since I posted on The Recovering Legalist, but it is not because I have not been working. As a matter of fact, I struggled three days straight with posts for my other blog, Proverbial Thought. On top of that, I have been doing a lot of reading and writing in my seminary classes (yes, I am going to school in the summer). So, I have been busy.
But this blog is my baby. It feels like I have abandoned my offspring when I don’t post an article at least once a week. Is that obsessive? Maybe. On the other hand, I have children, and this baby never has a dirty diaper. No wonder I’m so attached.
And it’s MY baby! Unlike our walking, whining, room-messing progeny, this baby is the product of my labor. My wife had nothing to do with it. As a matter of fact, I had to simultaneously take pictures and video during the birth of our girls. What does my wife do with this blog? NOTHING. And it looks nothing like her, either.
There are things I want to write about. For instance, I have been wanting to address the “Mitt Romney at Liberty University” thing (I was against it for religious reasons). I want to share some thoughts about the up-coming election (and make my liberal friends angry).
However, there are some things, now that I think about it, that I will probably NEVER write about. Here are some examples:
- Calvinism vs. Arminianism (or Agrarianism, as spell-check wants me to say). I am staunchly neither. Don’t try to convert me. You’re both wrong, and you’re both right, so there.
- The science behind why cats, no matter where you are in the world, will come to you if you say, “Kitty kitty!” Yet, badgers won’t come to you, no matter what you say.
- Computers.
- Dating. Except when I am addressing the unlikely possibility of my daughters going out with guys who don’t own a belt.
- Justin Bieber.
- Bowel Movements (why are seniors so obsessed with this topic?)
- Dr. Oz.
- Sopapilla recipes.
- Dog grooming.
- Why good food tastes bad and bad food tastes good, yet “big is beautiful,” but I feel fat.
But I’m always glad to talk about Jesus. How ’bout you?
Filed under Humor, self-worth, voting, worship
Summer Reruns
Summer’s Here
Yes, according to our school calender, summer is here, and so are all the network television reruns.
For some reason, and I don’t know why, actors and other Hollywood folk have never been able to work year-round. They always take the summer months off, then start a “new season” in the fall. Why? Are we all enrolled in the same educational program? Yes. It’s called the College of Brainwashing, Indoctrination, and Cultural Manipulation (CBICM).
Sicker Stuff Coming
And speaking of cultural manipulation, have you heard about a new show that MTV tried to start, but cancelled? It was to be called “Losing It.” Literally, the folks at CBICM planned to start a new “course” in the fall that would document 18+ year-olds losing their virginity! Last year, FOX’s “Glee” celebrated straight and gay teen couples’ “First Time,” so I guess MTV had to test the depths of the gutter…
“Do you want to take things to the next level? Like, are you ready to hand over your V card? Or do you have a friend who is ready to lose it? Young adulthood is a time for exploration. New relationships, fresh experiences and sexual firsts,” read the casting notice. “Now MTV is looking to frankly capture that journey in a new series called My First. We’re looking for adults who are ready to go all the way. Let MTV come along on your journey… as you try to lose your virginity!”
Remember Twin Beds?
Do you remember when Lucy and Ricky slept in separate beds? Do you remember when no one cursed on screen? Do you remember when cartoons were full of simple violence (Bugs Bunny), instead of New Age mysticism and earth worship?
Sadly, most anything still decent to watch is old stuff in reruns (if they’re being shown at all). Every once in a while one can stumble upon an episode of The Andy Griffith Show, but now most reruns are just as bad as the new stuff. Now, instead of seeing a happy couple in separate beds, we are shown multiple couples in the same bed.
A Safe Rerun
Well, not all summer reruns have to be sick or disturbing. Some can be funny without being dirty; exciting without being violent. Some reruns even feature a monkey.
Since some of you are new to The Recovering Legalist, you may have missed early episodes of Monday Monkey. So, I hope you enjoy a couple of my favorites while the production team revamps and renews. In a few weeks Monday Monkey will be back with some new episodes worthy of the wait.
“Monkey at the Wheel” (Episode 2)
Related articles
Filed under America, Culture Wars, General Observations, Monday Monkey, World View
Interim Post
Stand In
You know what an “interim” is, don’t you? He is the “stand in guy” that fills the gap between somebody who’s been fired, and somebody a group of people actually want. It’s a very under-appreciated position.
Well, this is an interim post. It is a post meant to keep my readership amused and engaged while I frantically think of something more important; something worth reading; something you want.
Next Post
The next post I am going to submit is going to be a little diddy about a school named Liberty University and a Mormon named Romney. I wanted to write something the day Mitt Romney spoke at Liberty’s commencement, but I held off. I’m glad I did.
The Meantime
I the meantime, I have a question. What do you think of the look of The Recovering Legalist? Do you think it needs any changes? Should it stay the same? I am beginning to wonder.
If you are a blogger on WordPress, maybe you could suggest a new theme. Or, maybe you could suggest how to tweak this one. Either way, let me know your thoughts. I want my blog to be inviting and easy to read.
One more thing…
Do you have any suggestions for Monday Monkey? We are coming up on our 25th episode pretty soon. I still have some ideas up my sleeve, but suggestions would be welcome.
I tell you what, if I use your suggestion for an upcoming episode, I’ll send you an autographed picture (made on my laser printer, but signed with a genuine Sharpie)!
Filed under General Observations, the future
You’re Never Too Old
For New Tricks?
They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Why is that? Does a dog’s brain quit working when he quits chasing squirrels? Our last dog was 18 years old when he died. I bet when he was fifteen he could have still learned something. He just didn’t want to.
And besides that, how many new tricks can a dog learn, anyway? Once he has fetching, rolling over, sitting, and flushing his own toilet mastered, what else is there? Maybe old dogs come to the point where they figure learning more tricks won’t get them any more food, so why bother?
For Amusement Parks?
Yes. Definitely, yes! Face it, feel as young as you like, but if you’re pushing 50, riding the Screaming Dropa-Whirla-Shaker will kill you! Let the teenagers eat their hot dogs and ice cream and go up and down, round and round, and loopty-loop. You still have to drive.
So, if you regularly watch the evening news, drive a mini-van, remember when television stations went off the air at night, or prayed in school, stay away from any ride that comes equipped with barf bags (see picture).
For Love?
Are you kidding? Love happens at all ages. There’s hope for everyone, no matter how old, wrinkly, or toothless. You can even be as ugly as a warthog and still find love. Of course, it helps if you have at least one of the following: a little of self confidence, or a lot of money. No problem.
For Blogging?
Absolutely not! As a matter of fact, let me introduce you to Rev. Ken Welford. He is the latest contributor to my other blog, Proverbial Thought. He just made his first post, and he is in his 80’s!
Ken, currently ministering in the UK, was a Baptist pastor (retired) from 1956-1978. He also did work for The Far Eastern Broadcasting Association in places like Papua New Guinea, India, and Singapore. Now, he’s in the blogosphere reaching everywhere! You go, Ken!
For Faith?
Never! Abraham was 75-years-young when he left his homeland to follow the leading of God (Gen. 12:4). Moses was 80 when he did a face-off with Pharaoh (Ex. 7:7). Even late in life, they believed the Lord and trusted his guiding hand. What’s our excuse?
Don’t leave ministry to the young. Don’t think getting older means retiring from your faith. Take a cue from Caleb: at 85 he still had a mountain to conquer (Josh. 14:10). A few aches and pains wasn’t keeping him from his reward!
Any more Calebs out there? You’re never too old, you know.
What else are you never too old for?
Filed under Christian Maturity, God, self-worth
Monday Monkey “Monkey Plays Piano” Episode 23
Monkeying with Tunes
Whether driving down the road, or sitting around the house, Mr. Monkey is always ready to break out into song.
And Mr. Monkey can play the piano! Who knew? When my daughter, Katie, sat down to the Yamaha grand at my mother’s house, he had to play along (Hear that, Yamaha people? My bass and acoustic are Yamaha, also. Do you sponsor monkeys?).
Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. – Psalm 98:4 KJV
“Monkey Plays Piano”
Related articles
- Monday Monkey “At the Zoo” (Episode 22) (therecoveringlegalist.com)
- Monday Monkey “Wisdom Teeth” (Episode 19) (therecoveringlegalist.com)
Filed under Humor, Monday Monkey, music
Happy Mother’s Day ;-)
It’s Here
If you are one of the unlucky, unfortunate, or predestined to be elected to forget Mother’s Day, I’m sorry. Either by choice or design, you should have marked your calendar and set an alarm.
However, if you forgot, there may be hope (if you are a subscriber to this blog and read your email). Because this is being posted so early in the morning, you should have time to do some stuff before you see your mother (or your children’s mother), either at church, dinner, the nursing home, Wal-Mart, or place of incarceration.
A few last-minute suggestions…
- Get up right now, put down your smart phone, or stand up from your computer, and make her (your mother/wife) breakfast. You may even have time to brush your teeth before you say, “Good morning!” Or….
- Quickly sneak out of the house and drive to your nearest 24-hour gas station (that’s petrol, for you Brits). There you should locate a fine selection of plastic-wrapped silk roses (to keep them fresh), Doritos, lottery tickets, “genuine” lead crystal figurines, and NASCAR air fresheners. Or….
- Draw a hand-made card in an attempt to appear sweet and child-like to cover the fact you forgot to buy one. Then, when you give it to her, create a story about how you “can’t wait till she gets her surprise.” That will give you time to figure out where you are going to take her to eat, and how much you want to spend. OR….
- Learn the following song that I wrote just for mothers. She will love it. “Mother’s Day”
But Seriously
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised (Prov. 31:30 ESV). May all mothers strive to fit that description.
Filed under America, Christian Maturity, Humor, music, Uncategorized
The Recovering Legalist 