Category Archives: Humor

Morning Coffee

Morning Coffee

When the morning is young and the air is still cool, 

I drop off the children at the local high school.

From there I proceed to a place down the road and

Stop for some coffee where the arches are golden. 

image (1)

Medium in size, no sugar, two cream in, 

The brew of the bean insures I’m not dream’n 

I converse for a moment as I sip my caffeination 

Then resume my duty of pupil transportation. 

The morning brightens, children disembark

I check the seats, head home. Now I’m parked.

Another morning is over and now sitting in the holder

Is a cup less filled, and Phil looks older.

image (2)

And the coffee is colder.

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Filed under Food, Humor, poetry

Mr. Monkey Meets Freaya

Children Will Beg

Some of the kids on my school bus are now driving me crazy with my own songs! Literally, they get on the bus singing them and they get off the bus singing them. What songs am I talking about? Songs from my Monday Monkey videos.

Which one do they sing the most? “Whadaya Do When Your Monkey Has the Hiccups?” If I’ve heard “whack ’em in the the head with a Barbie doll” once, I’ve heard it a hundred times.

Yet, more than just songs are heard on a daily basis. They ask me, “When are you going to make another monkey video, Mr. Baker?” Nearly every day I hear it. I must appease them.

A New Video

So, after a long absence, Mr. Monkey is back with a new Monday Monkey video. It is a short little video – more of a commercial, I suppose – introducing our new (yet sadly temporary) family member, Freaya. She is a foreign exchange student from Montana (at least that’s what I tell people to throw them off).

As we see it around here, if you want to be part of this family, you must appear in at least one Monday Monkey video. The more the better – at least from my perspective.

https://youtu.be/HtZAR2Txun4

Now, the next thing is to figure out what to do next. Maybe Mr. Monkey will have a taste of the seasoned seaweed Freaya brought with her? Maybe Freaya can teach Mr. Monkey how to use chopsticks instead of a fork?

Do you have any suggestions? I’m having screenwriter block.

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Filed under animals, Humor, Monday Monkey

Spew-Worthy News

Coffee and Donuts

This evening I stopped by Krispy Kreme to buy some donuts and coffee for my wife and me (Actually, the coffee was for me – she hates coffee). We did so in order to celebrate something special, but I can’t tell you what the special thing was – it was just special.

kk-hot-signAnyway, we got donuts…I got coffee. That’s all you need to know about that part.

By the way, tonight was the first night I ever saw a deformed donut come off the line. It made me wonder if Krispy Kreme had a museum somewhere to keep the really unique ones.

The News

A short time later, as we were pulling into our driveway at home, I retrieved my recently-purchased coffee from the cup holder and brought it up to my lips. It was at this time a story came over the news which was then playing on the car radio. Permit me to paraphrase what I heard…

“Due to a recent surge in deaths, Russia is launching a new public awareness campaign to advise people of the dangers of taking selfies…”

Right about now I had brought my disposable paper cup full of black coffee to my lips and had begun to fill my mouth with said black coffee. The story continued, though, before I could swallow the ounce or two now bringing pleasure to my palate…

“The Russian government is using graphics to warn people that it is not safe to take selfies while standing on railroad tracks, putting a gun to one’s head, or while standing beside a tiger…”

I almost spit the entire contents of my mouth – the previously-mentioned black coffee – onto my steering wheel!

Tigers? …What the heck!?

Now, it wouldn’t surprise me to read about some dude from Alabama taking a selfie with a gun to his head. I mean, after all, do you know what the most common last words of a redneck are? “Hey! Watch this!”

Sure, I’ve taken selfies with a monkey, even made whole videos (see below)! And yes, I’ve even taken a few calculated risks – like the time I filmed on the beach…and at the zoo…and in a real hospital…etc.

But a tiger? Only in Russia. 

Here’s the story. Just don’t be drinking coffee when you read it.

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Filed under current events, Humor, Monday Monkey

The REAL Snow Man

Here is just another example of insight into the human psyche gained while driving a school bus. (From my book) Enjoy!

The Setting

This morning, after picking up several young children, one little boy – a kindergartner –  began to sing one of his most favorite songs…”Let It Go.

Another little boy who was sitting next to him, a second-grader, began pleading with him to stop, after which he begged me to intervene. I couldn’t help it – I had to……let it go, let it go!

The Conversation

The younger boy (Boy 1) was singing the theme song from Frozen, to which the older boy (Boy 2) responded with his own lyrics: “Shuh uht up! Shuh uht up! I don’t want you to sing anymo oh ore!

An illustration of mine from "Life Lessons from the School Bus"

An illustration of mine from “Life Lessons from the School Bus”

Me:  What’s wrong? Don’t you like Frozen?

Boy 2:  NO! It’s a stupid movie!

Me:  What, you don’t like singing snowmen? What about Frosty the Snowman?

Boy 2:  I like Frosty, but he was real! Somebody put a hat on him and he started moving.

Me:  So, you don’t like Olaf?

Boy 2:  I like him, OK, but he’s not real…not like Frosty.

Seriously, if I made this stuff up it wouldn’t be as funny.

Sorta Like…

You know, the above story is sort of like arguments adults have. One particular argument that comes to mind is the one about where life on earth came from (I know the analogy isn’t perfect, but I hope you get the point).

Man 1:  I love to sing about Creation! “Oh Lord my God, when I in awestruck wonder, consider all the worlds Thy hands have made!

Man 2:  Stop it! I don’t want to hear all that nonsense! Sing something else, or sing nothing at all.

Man 1:  But I wan’t to sing! “Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee. ‘How great thou Art! How great Thou art!

Man 2:  STOP IT! I don’t want to hear it! God is NOT great! God is NOT great! He doesn’t even exist!

Man 1:  Yes, He does! And because He created me and gave me life, I want to give Him praise.

Man 2:  Oh, give me a break! I love life as much as anyone, if not more, but I’m not going to praise your God for it!

Man 1:  Oh, really? You believe that human life evolved from something that came from nothing? Do you really want to sing praises to nothingness?

Man 2:  Don’t be silly! Haven’t you ever heard of panspermia?

Man 1:  Uh, no. Not really.

Man 2:  You simpleton! You naive worshipper of a mythical fairy-god! You’re nothing but a slave to a worthless, iron-age book of man-made fiction. Life on earth didn’t evolve from nothing; it was planted here by intelligent life from beyond, from outer space.

Man 1:  Right! You mean God?

Man 2:  No! You idiot! Aliens!

Man 1:  Huh? But…

Man 2:  Shut up! I don’t wan’t to hear any more of your foolishness! God is not real; aliens are!

(Video of Richard Dawkins defending the theory of panspermia: the theory that alien intelligent life, not a Creator God, placed life on this planet.)

Uhmm…OK…  Let it go! Let it go!

“Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.” – Hebrews 11:3

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Filed under Aliens, Apologetics, Humor

I’m Sorry, but It’s Mother’s Day

The Gripe

My dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to read the sometimes uncaring and cold-hearted commentary of a man without the “wo”;  a male without the “fe”;  and a testosterone-producing, horsepower-loving, father and husband who sometimes leaves the toilet seat up – on purpose. But that being said, I am not completely insensitive.

For example, I love kittens and puppies, the laughs of little children, and the occasional chick-flick. But more to the point, I understand that for some women, Mother’s Day is not the happiest day of the year.

Just the other day someone shared with me a link to an interesting and eye-opening article, An open letter to pastors (A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day). I read it, thought about it, and got it. The only problem is that I (the pastor) am not the only one who contributes to the whole Mother’s Day celebration – mothers do!

If dad forgets to say, “Happy Mother’s Day, dear,” the wife gets her feelings hurt and then there’s Hades to pay. If the kids forget to say, “Happy Mother’s Day!” or forget to make a card out of noodles and Elmer’s glue, start handing out the tissues and Xanax. If the pastor forgets to make a big deal out of the holiday, or forgets to purchase carnations to distribute at the end of the service, then some little old lady will be demanding a special meeting to discuss his replacement.

So, as one who’s congregation is made up of more women than men, by a large – not a good word – significant percentage, what in the name of Oprah am I supposed to do???

The Plan

Here’s my plan: I will try to please everybody.

Mothers, we love you. Single women, we love you. Wives without children, we love you. Single, expectant mothers, we love you. Women who’ve lost their children, we love you. Women who want to have children but can’t, we love you. Those of you who had an abusive mother and still nurse the scars, we love you. Women who have adopted or are foster parents, we love you. Women who teach and mentor kids that are not your own, we love you. And what’s more, ladies, God loves you and understands your story more than any earthly man, even more than Dr. Phil.

Now, to those of you who just hate kids and want nothing to do with them, well… I guess I can’t please everybody, after all.

The Song

So, I’m sorry, but it is the Mother’s Day weekend, and some traditions must go on. Each year on this blog I post one of the best Mother’s Day songs ever written, if not the best; I can’t help it if it doesn’t please everybody.  Just understand it was written by a half-brained male with frequent-stayer points at the Dog House Inn.

My Mother :-)

My Mother 🙂

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Filed under current events, Humor, Parenting, Relationships and Family

Secrets to a Long Life

Morning Questions

I don’t know what it is about Monday mornings and the questions kids want to ask while I am driving. Something must happen over the weekends which cause children to seek wise counsel from the school bus driver.

One question I got the other day was just too big for me. I mean, seriously, I laughed, shook my head, and ignored the kindergartner. He asked, “Mr. Baker, why is the world so big?” If I had answered truthfully and said, “Because that’s the way God made it,” then I would have been fired. So, since I couldn’t think of anything overly stupid with which to respond, I stayed silent.

However, this morning, there was a question I had to answer. This morning a young girl got on the bus and asked, “Mr. Baker, do you know the secret to living a long life?” “Well, there are several secrets, but what’t the one you know?”

“Play the harmonica,” she replied.

“Play the harmonica?”

“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly. “Because playing the harmonica will help your lungs, and strong lungs will help you live longer.”

“Is that so?” I asked. “Yep,” answered the little girl.

“Well,” I replied, “my daddy played the harmonica, and he’s dead.”

My Secrets 

OK, so I’ve never been convicted for the over use of tact. Sometimes I am too brutally honest for my own good (so my wife says). Other times, however, I can be sweet and compassionate – just not this morning, evidently.

Anyway, this morning’s question got me to thinking. Could I come up with some secrets for living a long life?

10 Secrets to Living a Long Life (by someone who hasn’t yet died):

  1. Never pull the trigger when it’s pointed at you.
  2. Never smoke more than 3 cigars in an hour.
  3. Never jump from a moving vehicle if it’s moving through the air.
  4. Never corner a rock badger.
  5. Drink at least 3 glasses of something a week.
  6. Eat food.
  7. Don’t drive drunk, or with a teenage girl with directional issues.
  8. Breath regularly, except in the tourist’s bathroom at the Bush’s Baked Bean factory.
  9. Hide all sharp objects, scissors, and ammunition before going to bed with an angry wife.
  10. Drink excessive amounts of coffee.

Serious Secrets

Now that you have my secrets for living a long, not necessarily healthy, life, what does the Bible say about long life? What kind of “secrets” can we find hidden in that wonderful book of Wisdom?

5 Biblical Secrets to Long Life

  1. Obey and honor your parents (Deut. 5:16; Eph. 6:1-3).
  2. Don’t mess around with another person’s spouse (Prov. 6:29-35).
  3. “Keep my commandments, and live…” (Prov. 7:2).
  4. “Forsake the foolish, and live…” (Prov. 9:6).
  5. Repent of your sins and accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior – that’s the secret to ETERNAL life (John 3:15-16; 10:28; Rom. 6:23).

 

So, what are your secrets to living a long life? Do you have any more to share with us? Leave them in the comment section so we can all learn to live a little longer 😉

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Filed under Christian Living, Humor, Life Lessons, Life/Death

Ten-Minute Post

I literally only have about 10 minutes to write this post. I decided to write it after I found two half-eaten donuts in a box fixing to be put into the garbage.

Now wait a minute, let me clarify something. The two donut halves were not eaten off of; they were cut in half. But yes, they were being put into the garbage, but they were in their original boxes. Is there a problem with this? It was in the teacher’s lounge. So what’s the big deal?

Evidently, there was nothing wrong with getting these two donut halves. Actually, I got no strange looks from anyone when I asked for them. The only thing I got criticized for was buying a Diet Coke.

“You’re not going to drink that are you?” “Well, yeah,” I replied. “I’m evening things out, that’s all.”

“That’s… that’s bad for you! It’s got aspartame in it!”

“True,” I said, “But the regular stuff has corn syrup in it.”

“Well, that’s better than aspartame,” they retorted with a sneer.

Then I said, as I walked away, “Yeah but how many corns had to die in order to make that corn syrup? Don’t you care about the corn?”

All things in moderation, folks. All things in moderation.

  

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Filed under fitness, Food, Humor, legalism

Happy Atheist’s Day!

Steve Martin wrote a bluegrass song (well, he sang it on stage with the Steep Canyon Rangers, at least) about atheists not having any songs. It was funny. I even saw him sing it live a few years ago.

On the other hand, Christians have several holidays we celebrate. There is Easter (just around the corner), Christmas, St. Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Lent, Boxing Day, All Saint’s Day, Good Friday, and a few others.

What do atheists have? April Fool’s Day!

But wait! Don’t atheists celebrate other days as well? Sure they do! Besides celebrating Christmas and Easter in their own godless ways, atheists are said to observe at least ten (10) other holidays when they’re not trying to ban crosses from roadsides, or mangers from public lawns.

  1. Earth Day – This is the day when atheists can pretend to have a god, name it Maya, and celebrate its existence as they try to preserve it.
  2. Solstice – When the planets all line up, or when the days and nights get long, atheists can celebrate the complexity of an intergalactic machine that made itself.
  3. Arbor Day – When even the loneliest atheist needs love, they can hug a tree.
  4. Mothers and Fathers Day – Hey, even atheist have parents. They didn’t come from monkeys, you know.
  5. July 4th – The perfect holiday for the American atheist who is happy his ignorant, bigoted, racist, religious Forefathers (along with a couple of intellectual agnostics) decided to start a new country founded on free speech and the freedom of religion. It gives him something he can fight against, which is practically everything they stood for.
  6. World Health Day – Cause even atheists hate getting the flu and AIDS.
  7. International Talk Like a Pirate Day – Arrrg! Who doesn’t enjoy talking like a mythical version of a murderous criminal of the sea, right?
  8. El Día de los Muertos – This is a Latin holiday, the Day of the Dead. Atheists love to reminisce about those who have gone on before, keeping their memory alive…because that’s all they’ll ever have.
  9. International Coming Out Day – Because closets are for clothes, old video tapes of NOVA, and apprehensions.
  10. Richard Dawkins’ Birthday – It’s sorta like Christmas, but without the virgin birth, nasty mangers, hope, and angels. There’s plenty of worshiping, however.

But seriously, no holiday is more fitting for the atheist than April Fool’s Day. After all, isn’t it the fool who says in his heart there is “no God” (Psalm 53:1)?

So, HAPPY ATHEIST DAY!…within reason, of course. 😉

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Filed under Humor, World View

The Abomidable Snow Monkey

Pardon me, but this post is a test of WordPress’ upgraded smartphone app. 

The snow came suddenly, along with the frigid air that chilled my blood. But nothing could cause me to freeze in fear than a face-to-face encounter with the mythical, yet now all-too-real, Abomidable Snow Monkey. 

I had been in my study studying, which is what I always swear I’m doing when I leave the estrogenated atmosphere of home for a few hours, when I finally had to break away from the parchments (wouldn’t you love to diagram a sentence like this?). So, up from my chair I arose, away from my desk I stepped, eventually exiting the mine in which I readily dig for wisdom. Into the cold I went, at first greeted with a refreshing breath of refreshingly refreshing cold air, then shocked with a chilling terror – the Abomidable Monkey. 



There it was, backdropped by a hillside of tombstones, proof that fur and fear can inhabit the same flanneled square foot. What was I to do but slowly raise my iPhone and take a creative picture?

He/it stared. I stared back with nary a word. Then, like a couple of drifting snow flakes, we softly walked away, as if snow flakes could walk. 

I will never forget that snowy day. And I’ll never again lay a wet with snow monkey on my office chair, either. 

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Filed under blogging, Humor, Monday Monkey

Birds and Bees 2.0

The following is fiction, but based on a sad, tragic reality: children are growing up in a culture with no norms, no absolutes, and no foundations but the shifting sands of desire. The “birds and the bees” are not what they used to be.

Here’s a helpful link should you get confused with gender-related terms: CLICK HERE.


Teigan’s Story

Teigan was getting ready to leave school, when at that moment, just as soon as she exited the gender-neutral bathroom, she saw what looked to be a cis gender female with a large belly. Looking down at her own sun dress, she thought to herself, “I wonder if I could look like that?”

Teigan was just like any other gender-fluid child; gender was whatever the mood of the day dictated. Although born a male, Teigan’s parents refused to impose any stereotypical roles; they encouraged role experimentation and never referred to him as “son,” only “child.” Therefore, if Teigan wanted to wear a nice dress out to dinner with her parents, then her parents would select the most appropriate ribbon for her hair. If Teigan wanted to play ball with the other boys, he would put on his Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt and jeans and head out to the park. Teigan’s gender preferences were as fluid as water in a mountain stream, changing direction with every obstacle and shift in terrain.

Thinking of the cis female (a female who identifies as a woman/has a feminine gender identity) h- saw earlier at school, Teigan was excited to ask h- parents the question all adults dread: “Where do babies come from?” You see, there were times when Teigan wanted to be a mommy, just like the cis female h- had seen earlier. But it was the particulars of “how” that confused h-.

According to Facebook, there are over 58 different genders one could select when signing up for a new account, and Teigan knew there was no way h- could choose just one. Teigan was not a just a boy or a girl, h- was whatever h- felt that day…and that posed a problem. You see, Teigan had noticed that the only genders with large bellies (the ones with child) were typically cis females, along with the occasional gender questioning or FTM. In most cases, the one with the large belly never fluctuated gender like Teigan did. “How, then,” Teigan wondered, “could I get a big belly to show off my dress, but then wear blue jeans later with the cis boys?”

Teigan had gotten gold stars for paying attention in h- sex education classes. H- had learned all about how tadpoles and eggs become something called a parasite, or fetus… but h- was still confused. The time had come to ask his parents.

“Dad, Papa, where do babies come from, and how can I have one?” Teigan asked.

Teigan’s father’s eyes shot over at his husband’s with a look of “what do we say?” Dad sat down his latte and replied, “Papa will tell you all about it.” Papa, realizing his husband would only end up acting like a wife if he refused, agreed to give Teigan a thumbnail sketch of the new “birds and bees,” or as it’s understood today, “Birds and Bees 2.0.”

Papa began: “You see, Teigan, when a loving couple wants to have a baby, depending on their gender, sexual orientation, or surgeries that may have been performed, they might go to bed and hold each other really close. At that point, when they get really, really close, a baby is made.” Papa continued: “For others, they just go to bed and wake up the next morning, after which they decide to go have a baby made for them.”

Teigan, still a little confused, then asked, “But how can I get a big belly and have a baby, too?” With excitement, Teigan added: “It would be fun to waddle around like the cis female I saw at school – I think she was a teacher – and wear a big, pretty dress! If I fall in love and get really close can I get a big belly and have a baby, too?”

“I’m sorry, Teigan, but we haven’t evolved that far…yet,” Teigan’s other father, Dad, said. “We’ll just have to wait and see what Mrs. Clinton can do.”

Heartbroken, little Teigan began to cry. As the tears began to wash away h- sparkly blush, h- whimpered, “But I want to have a belly like those cis females who are always cis females.”

“Maybe someday,” said Papa. “Yes, maybe someday,” said Dad.

“In the meantime,” Papa asked with a smile, “why don’t we go get some ice cream?”

Awesome!” exclaimed Teigan. “What should I wear?”


My Thoughts

When I was a child, a long time ago, my dad told me the “facts of life,” which included the “birds and bees” info. Included in that awkward lecture, however, were references back to the book of Genesis, where we are told God made “male and female,” not cis male and cis female. It was certainly a simpler time.

What are we doing to our children? What kind of harvest are we going to reap after sowing such seeds of confusion? Are all the options we’re creating in order to satisfy and coddle a morally bankrupt and confused generation going to strengthen familial bonds? Will the term family even survive the next generation?

God’s Thoughts

And [Jesus] answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made [them] at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ “and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh‘? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Matthew 19:4-6 NKJV

 All comments will be strictly monitored.

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Filed under Culture Wars, current events, Defining Marriage, Humor, Relationships and Family