Category Archives: Christian Living

by Anthony Baker | January 2, 2014 · 11:42 am

Thursday Thoughts

Today is January 2 (or 2 January, if you prefer), 2014. It is a cold, rainy day in Chattanooga, Tennessee, yet I have already been out and walked a mile and a half before my first cup of coffee. No resolutions – just doing what needs to be done.

Thursdays

Today is also Thursday…the day after Wednesday…the day before Friday…but I am not going to break out into a Rebecca Black song (although I know you want me to). No, I am going to keep my singing to myself; only my written voice will be heard.

Thursday is a day that is not quite the end of the week, but on the downhill slide from Wednesday, the middle of the week. Nothing much happens on Thursday, does it? Thursday feels like a “filler” used to make the week complete.

New Stuff

So, since it’s been a long while since I started any new series of posts, I figure why not make Thursday my random thought day? Why not make Thursday – that innocuous, boring, non-essential filler – the day when I speak my mind about whatever has been in the news that week and tick off a whole bunch of liberals? Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

Why don’t we start with some random thoughts about family?

Carlos and Rebecca (my sister) Gomes

My sister (yes, I have a sister) lives in Germany and is married to a German. Therefore, I have a German brother-in-law, which is strange to think about in the light of the memory that I used to pretend to fight Germans while playing “army” as a child. I wonder what he thinks of George S. Patton?
One of my daughters is going to college (away from home) next year, and that leaves me in a perpetual bad mood.
All of my daughters like boys – which is good – but it makes my perpetually bad mood more dangerous, especially when they start talking about invitations and cake.

Here are some thoughts of mine regarding new laws that go into effect this week:

Doing away with incandescent light bulbs is completely asinine.
Allowing boys and girls in California to choose which restrooms and locker rooms they wish to use is a recipe for sexual disaster and evidence that a perverted, sick, debauched spirit is behind an agenda to destroy the fabric of moral society. And if it is now law in California, don’t think it won’t be proposed in your own state.
A couple of states have now legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Now all the potheads can pack up and move from Tennessee! If we could only get Washington and Oregon to legalize crack cocaine and Meth, our whole drug-using community would head west!
I have not purchased Obamacare.

Books

I am going to try to read more this year, and one book that I have already started and will finish before the end of next week is The Measure of Our Success: An Impassioned Plea to Pastors (by Shawn Lovejoy). My wife saw this book on the shelf in a discount store. It only cost $5, so if it is not all that great I won’t be out much. However, from what I have already read, the author makes some painful and convicting observations.

The idea of the book is that we pastors need to quit gauging our success by anything or anyone other than what God has planned for our particular ministries. Here’s an intriguing quote from page 23: “I am more convinced than ever before that most churches are not supposed to be large.” What do you think about that?

Enough for Today

Well, I could keep going and going and going, but I am already up to 602 words, and hardly anyone will read a blog post this long unless they are stalkers, true fans, or looking for something incriminating.

Check back next Thursday, if not before, to see what’s on my mind (or driving me crazy).

The Death Of The Incandescent Light Bulb (sayanythingblog.com)

1 Comment

Filed under blogging, current events, Defending Traditional Marriage, General Observations, Relationships and Family

Tagged as California, Germany, Oregon, Patton George S, Rebecca Black, restroom, Tennessee

by Anthony Baker | December 26, 2013 · 11:30 am

After-Christmas Gifts

“And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshiped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.” – Matthew 2:11

Late-Comers

Part of the Christmas story can be found in the book of Matthew, the first book in the New Testament. There, in chapter two, we read of several wise men, Magi, who followed the star till it rested over the place where the young Jesus was living.

But what most people fail to notice is that only the shepherds came to visit Jesus while he was still a baby in a manger. The Magi came later, once they were living “in the house” and Jesus was a “young child.” And, based on Herod’s decree that all male children 2 years old and younger should be killed (Matt. 2:16), Jesus could have been a toddler up and walking.

Simply put, generally ever manger scene protested against by atheists is not a faithful representation of the Christmas story. How ironic is that? But I digress…

The Gifts

When the Magi came to Bethlehem in search of “he that is born King of the Jews” (Matt. 2:2), they brought with them three very rare and valuable gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. They were not random gifts, but ones with specific political, spiritual, and practical importance; they were meant to recognize a literal, earthly, but also heavenly King.

Gold was a universally recognized precious metal, symbolic of all wealth. Frankincense was a substance primarily used as incense, but also mixed with other substances to create the holy anointing oil placed on high priests and kings. Myrrh was a substance used for things ranging all the way from cosmetics and antiseptics, to perfuming the living and embalming the dead.

According to Matthew 2:11, the Magi fell down before Jesus, which would have been an appropriate response when in the presence of royalty (and these men knew the difference). But the wise men did more than fall prostrate before royalty, they “worshiped him.” This young king was more than just “King of the Jews,” but the long-promised Messiah, and they offered their gift to the Son of God.

Are You Wise?

As long as I can remember there have been sermons preached during and before Christmas entitled, “Wise Men Still Seek Him.” The sermons focus primarily on the seeking leading up to Christmas, but rarely, if ever, on the gifts given after the celebration is over. But today is different.

Today, I am going to ask you to consider three gifts we should give, now that the birthday celebration is over.

Gold. Gold represented wealth. In your worship of the King, will you give Him your wealth? In reality, God owns everything, including everything He loans unto you. But with your heart, are you willing to lay everything that is most valuable to you at His feet?

Frankincense. Frankincense represented worship. Would you be willing to fall down before Jesus, or do you hold back some of your Frankincense in reserve? Are there idols in your life – people or things – for which you reserve a little of that anointing oil, making those things lords of your life? Would you be willing to make Jesus Lord of all? Will you worship him without reservation?

Myrrh. Myrrh was symbolic of the beauty of life, from beginning to end. Would you give to Jesus everything that makes you happy? Everything that brings you hope? Everything that is sweet-smelling? Everything that hides your faults and failures, disguising your true self? Would you give Jesus your life? He can do more with it than you can do on your own.

Returns

For several days after Christmas people will stand in line to return and/or exchange unwanted gifts. Many will trade what others gave them for something they want more. Others will just ask for a refund or in-store credit.

Rest assured that when you give your gifts to Jesus, he will not return them, exchange them, or re-gift them next year. But will you, once you realize what you’ve given, want to take something back?

Don’t wait for a New Year’s resolution. Now that Christmas is over, be like the Magi and leave everything at Jesus’ feet, then “depart…another way.” Once you give Jesus those three gifts, you’ll never be the same.

2 Comments

Filed under Christian Living, Christmas, God, Love of God, salvation, wisdom, worship

Tagged as Bethlehem, Biblical Magi, Christmas, gifts, Jesus, Mary, Messiah, Worship

by Anthony Baker | December 19, 2013 · 10:10 am

Addressing the Phil Robertson Story

I am not going to take a lot of time to address this story, especially when time is so short and the wife has a long list for me to accomplish before Christmas. However, I feel it is imperative that I at least say something.

Last night I spoke to my congregation about John the Baptist from Luke 1:17, which says:

“And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.”

Before the well-known and beloved Luke 2 story that tells of the shepherds in the field and the birth of Jesus, Luke tells us of one who was to come before in the spirit of Elijah, preaching truth, not holding anything back, in order to prepare the people for the coming Messiah. John the Baptist was this man, the last of the Old Testament prophets, full of boldness and fire.

Therefore, it may only be a coincidence, but I find it completely ironic that just before Christmas, when our hearts should be prepared to celebrate the coming of God to earth in human flesh, we have a man (as John MacArthur described John the Baptist) “fearlessly and faithfully proclaim[ing] divine truth in the face of ruthless opposition.” And they’re wanting his head. His name is Phil Robertson.

Phil Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” fame, a committed Christian, is being blasted and hung out to dry by the media, vehemently attacked by the gay and lesbian groups, and treated like an ugly step-child by many in the church who wish to coddle the liberal left. But what I see in Phil Robertson is the rare spirit of Elijah that points its finger in the face of a degenerate culture and says, “thou hast sold thyself to work evil in the sight of the LORD” (1 Kings 21:20).

The gay and lesbian advocacy group (GLAAD) has come out and said, “Phil and his family claim to be Christian, but Phil’s lies about an entire community fly in the face of what true Christians believe…” But it is obvious that GLAAD has no idea what “true Christians” believe, nor do they understand the type of people Jesus himself held in high esteem, for it was John the Baptist of whom Jesus commented: “Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist…” (Matthew 11:11; Luke 7:28).

So, if Jesus thought that much of John the Baptist, it would be safe to assume that Jesus, the loving Savior of the world, would have approved of John’s words. What then were some of the things John said?

“ In those days came John the Baptist, preaching in the wilderness of Judaea, And saying, Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” – Matthew 3:1-2

“For Herod himself had sent forth and laid hold upon John, and bound him in prison for Herodias’ sake, his brother Philip’s wife: for he had married her. For John had said unto Herod, It is not lawful for thee to have thy brother’s wife.” – Mark 6:17-18

John was bold enough, just like Elijah before him, to declare that there is such a thing as sexual sin, to say it to the face of power, and to do it even in the face of execution. What did Phil Robertson say?

(Paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 6:9-10) “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers…they won’t inherit the kingdom of God.”

Sounds like old Phil is more in line with Elijah, John the Baptist, Paul the Apostle, and Jesus Christ than GLAAD would like to admit. And if Phil Robertson must suffer persecution because of his personal beliefs, he is better off in the long run, for sure.

“Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.” – Matthew 5:11-12 KJV

His reward will far exceed any paycheck Ahab&E is willing to pay.

Phil Robertson off “Duck Dynasty” indefinitely (cbsnews.com)
GLAAD slams ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson for ‘vile’ remarks (mrt.com)
Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson suspended by A&E for comments on homosexuality (conservativeread.com)

15 Comments

Filed under America, Christian Living, Culture Wars, current events, Defending Traditional Marriage, Defining Marriage, General Observations, Struggles and Trials, World View

Tagged as Christmas, Duck Dynasty, Elijah, Jesus, John the Baptist, Phil Robertson

by Anthony Baker | December 2, 2013 · 6:34 pm

Christmas Monkey Recap

It’s late in the day, but it is still Monday. So, why not a Monday Monkey episode?

Actually, this is a video I made for Christmas 2012 (I think). My wife, Valerie, should have gotten an Oscar for the “scream.”

I promise, more Monkey videos are on the way. Promise.

1 Comment

Filed under animals, Christmas, Humor, Monday Monkey, Relationships and Family

Tagged as Animals, Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Monday, Monkey

by Anthony Baker | November 30, 2013 · 11:54 am

So, You Think You’re Worthless?

My First Thoughts

It has been a little while since I woke up this morning. I have managed, despite a poor night’s sleep on a new memory-foam mattress pad, to get up, get dressed, and make myself a cup of coffee – all without eating any turkey. Of course, that will come later, like in an hour or two, when the urge to make a left-over turkey sandwich is too much to ignore.

But the reason I am writing is because of the first thing that came into my mind this morning. Even before I raised my head from my pillow, before I prayed a prayer, before I even adjusted to the light sneaking through the blinds, something crossed my mind.

As I lay in bed this morning, I remembered a recent conversation in which I was asked, “Tell me, name one thing I do well?” Distraught and depressed, broken and humiliated by disabling pain, feeling like a burden to everyone else, this person said, “I’m worthless. I can’t do anything.”

The Violin

But as I lay in bed remembering those words, the image of a musical instrument, a violin, came to mind. Then I thought of my guitar and other instruments; each one capable of making beautiful, worshipful music, but only in the hands of one with talent enough to play.

I remembered those words spoken by another and applied them to the violin. The violin asked, “Tell me, name one thing I do well?” All I could think to reply was, “Nothing.” What can a violin do on it’s own but rest in a case, sit on a shelf, or gather dust in a closet? In the hands of one with no skill, with other things to do, and with no love for music, the violin could even become a wearisome burden over time.

In the wrong hands the violin is “worthless.” It has no value, no worth, no ability, no projection, no tone, and no song on it’s own. Alone, it really can’t do anything.

The Master

Then, right on cue, another thought exploded in my brain. What are we but instruments in the Master’s hands? We have no ability on our own. The violin never plays itself. The only way a musical instrument can ring out notes of joyous praise is when it is given life by the energy of the Musician.

But some may say, “I’m not a violin, a guitar, or anything like that.” Maybe so, but in the hands of a skilled musician even a trash can can bring an audience to its feet.

You may not feel like you’re valuable. You may feel worthless. But don’t believe the lie of the Enemy! Your value is not determined by what you can do, or what you look like, or by what others think, but by how much the Master was willing to pay.

“For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.” – 1 Peter 1:18-19 NIV

Dear friend, don’t let your inadequacies, your mistakes, or your disabilities make you feel worthless. Jesus Christ, God’s Son, thought you were worth dying for, and willingly shed His blood to purchase your soul. In your own strength you may be incapable of anything but being a burden on others, but in the hands of the Master, your life can be an instrument of praise in the concert of the ages.

Who knows? You may already be on stage … so don’t give up … the audience may be ready to applaud.

1 Comment

Filed under Christian Living, Do not judge, Faith, General Observations, Life Lessons, music, self-worth, Struggles and Trials

Tagged as Jesus Christ, Master, Music, Musical instrument, String instrument, Violin

by Anthony Baker | November 28, 2013 · 12:51 am

Other Reasons to be Thankful

Normal Reasons

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, including all my friends and blog subscribers all over the world! For even though Thanksgiving is an American holiday, we all have reason to be thankful. After all, for most of us, things could be worse.

I am not going to go into detail and recount the history of the Pilgrims or the reasoning of George Washington’s proclamation. I am not going to talk turkey, Indians, or Sacajawea, either. If you want to read about all of those things, including the godly, religious heritage of our nation that the atheists and humanists are trying to sponge away, then take the time to visit other blogs which are carrying the torch of freedom.

Essentially, everyone should be thankful to God for his grace and mercy, no matter the country in which they live. Americans should be grateful for the rare freedoms we still have, despite the current administration’s attempt to presidentially-mandate them away. And on top of that, each of us should be thankful for health, shelter, food, and any family or friends we have.

But there are other reasons to be thankful…reasons you may have never thought of. Let me give you a few.

Other Reasons

First of all, you all should be thankful you don’t have to dress up like an elf in order to pose for Christmas card pictures for your oldest daughter. As you can see, even though Lily and Henry are the cutest grand-dogs any man could have, there is a slight sense of humiliation being experienced by all.

Secondly, you could be thankful you are not a dog, especially a dog that is forced to dress up like a little Santa Clause.

Third, you should be thankful you do not have green hair. Even though my little dogs know me, and even though Lily and Henry like me, they don’t like men in green wigs.

Fourth, be thankful you are not an elf. Their big, pointy ears are hot, and the bells they wear can be distracting while preaching on Sunday.

Other Reasons (cont.)

If you don’t have any other reasons to be thankful on this day, then at least be thankful for the following:

You don’t have to worry about being chased by dinosaurs, vampires, or creatures from the Black Lagoon (except in Wal-Mart).
Sharks are rarely found in swimming pools.
Miley Cyrus is not dating your son (and that you didn’t throw out your hip when you tried to “twerk” in the privacy of your own home).
Your eye doctor, dentist, etc. is not a unicorn.
You don’t taste with your hands (but you could tell who didn’t wash after going to the restroom).
You didn’t vote for “change.”
You are not a turkey or a cranberry.

Seriously, though

“O give thanks unto the LORD; call upon his name: make known his deeds among the people.” – Psalms 105:1

“Praise ye the LORD. O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.” – Psalms 106:1

Thanksgiving in the Light of Judgment Day

Happy Lord’s day (that’s Sunday, in case you wondered)!

This week we will be celebrating Thanksgiving in America, so today is a day when most Thanksgiving-related sermons will be preached.

Today at 5 pm (eastern), on a local a.m. radio station, I will be preaching once again, but you are going to have a chance to here the sermon first. How cool is that? If you so desire, you can click the link at the bottom of the page and hear a pre-recorded sermon which is scheduled to air later today.

Unlike what I regularly do, however, my radio messages are a little more unscripted (I rarely use an outline). Not that I “script” my regular sermons, but I usually don’t ad-lib. My radio recordings are a little more off-the-cuff, so to speak.

By the way, I am going to try to get a Monday Monkey episode ready for Monday (or maybe Tuesday). It has been a while since I last did one, and Mr. Monkey has been wanting to know why I have been avoiding him.

Also, I think I am going to create a new tab on my blog that will have links to all my previous Monday Monkey episodes. That way it will be much easier for you to access them, which is really a really good thing considering there are many of you who have no idea how many of them I have made (some better than others). I think I may label the tab “Monkey Archives.”

Thanksgiving Sermon

4 Comments

Filed under America, Christian Living, Christian Unity, current events, Preaching, Thanksgiving

Tagged as Monday, Sunday, Thanksgiving

by Anthony Baker | November 15, 2013 · 1:36 pm

Perfection Not Required

“Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.”

“And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.” – Luke 18:11, 13

Looking for a Pastor

Imagine that instead of the temple, a Pharisee and a publican walked into a pastoral search committee meeting (like we have in the Baptist denomination). They walk in, introduce themselves, compare resumes, and one gets the job.

Which one do you think would be hired? Answer (typically): The one that fits the picture of what every Christian fit for service should be – perfect.

But God doesn’t use perfect people; He uses REAL people. Yet sadly, within the church, there are many men and women who have felt inferior and useless because of sinful and broken pasts. They are the people who sit on the pews, week after week, doing all they can to be faithful in life, but are forbidden to hold positions in the church. They are much like the Publican, men and women who know they have failed before, but want to be forgiven and start new. They are not the ones that look down on others for mistakes they’ve made.

Genesis of Dysfunction

A while back I read through the book of Genesis in a couple of sittings. Reading a book of the Bible that way, especially in a different translation, can help you see the story from a new perspective. This time I was just astounded at how messed up these people really were! There was so much “stuff” going on that if it were today, it would make an episode of Jerry Springer look tame!

Consider, if nothing else, the sad story of Jacob, Leah, and Rachel. This was a seriously messed up family with real marital problems. At one point, Leah and Rachel get into a jealous argument over a son’s mandrakes. Just imagine you were a marriage counselor and listened in to the following story…

Reuben went out during the wheat harvest and found some mandrakes in the field. When he brought them to his mother, Leah, Rachel asked, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.” But Leah replied to her, Isn’t it enough that you have taken my husband? Now you also want my son’s mandrakes?”

“Well,” Rachel said, “you can sleep with him tonight in exchange for your son’s mandrakes.” When Jacob came in from the field that evening, Leah went out to meet him and said, “You must come with me, for I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes.” So Jacob slept with her that night. – Geneses 30:14:16 HCSB

Check this out…

Twice Abraham told other people that his wife, Sarah, was his sister so that he would not be harmed.
Joseph’s brothers hated him and sold him to traveling salesmen.
Jacob and Esau were seriously at odds.
Leah, poor thing, kept trying to have children so that her husband, Jacob would love her.

And there’s more!

Jacob’s father-in-law, Laban, got him drunk on his wedding night and gave him the wrong wife – on purpose.
The son’s of Jacob (founders of ten of the tribes of Israel) lied to a bunch of men about making a covenant, then proceeded to slaughter all of them after they had convinced them to be circumcised.

It just goes on and on. Messed up, I am telling you! MESSED UP!

Nevertheless,

God told Abraham in Genesis 12:2-3: “And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing: And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.” How is this even possible?

If God can use Abraham and his family with all their problems to bless the nations, then He can use ANYBODY!

4 Comments

Filed under Abortion, abuse, Christian Living, Do not judge, Faith, General Observations, legalism, Relationships and Family, Struggles and Trials, World View

Tagged as Abraham, Church, Esau, God, Jacob, Leah, Legalism, Ministry, Pastoral Resources, Pharisee, Rachel, Reuben

by Anthony Baker | November 14, 2013 · 8:41 am

Thou (Who?) Art Worthy

Every once in a while I come across an older post and think: “Anthony, that was some mighty fine write’n! You should re-post that.” So, that’s what I’m doing today. This was first published in 2011.

The Concert.

I have been playing music since my early years. Even before I could play an instrument, I would often sing with my mom and dad at different church services and revivals. So, especially with all the later experience of playing with 7 different groups over 25+ years, I should know a little about being on stage.

One of the things about playing music in front of a large audience is the adrenalin rush you get when everything goes just right, especially when the crowd responds with thunderous applause. Ask any musician or singer who has been there and done that…there’s nothing quite like it. Some have even compared it to a sensual experience that could be felt physically, almost like the effects of a drug.

Why is that? What would make a person feel so good at the reception of applause, screams of praise, worship? Worship? Yes, that’s what I said….worship. The reason it feels so good may be because it is too good; too good for us.

Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. – Revelation 4:11 KJV

Please don’t think that I am coming down on Christian music, or anything like that. The last thing I would want to do is rip groups like Building 429, Third Day, or Casting Crowns, for example. But on the other hand, even Christian groups (and preachers, conference speakers, pastors, evangelists, etc.) need to re-examine, every now and then, Who is worthy of all praise.

Consider the Guitar “Solo”

Recently, at a Christian college basket ball game, I witnessed something that almost made me sick. Even my little girl thought it was strangely inappropriate. For the rendering of the national anthem, a solo electric guitarist stepped out onto the center of the court. Evidently trying to emulate Jimmy Hendrix, the Christian-school rocker proceeded to pitifully destroy The Star-Spangled Banner. But it was the ending of this amateurish exhibition that made me nauseous and indignant.

At the part of the tune where the lyrics would read, “o’er the land of the free,” the little ham hammed it up by repeating that measure three times, at least, each time going up an octave on the fret board. The worst part was when he stopped, before the last progression, and motioned to the crowd with out-stretched, beckoning hands, pleading for a louder response from the fans. Who were we supposed to be applauding, the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice, or this wanna-be Hendrix?

Seriously think about this: when Christian musicians play on stage to adoring fans who have paid money to attend a well-publicized event, and the lead guitarist shreds four measures from the latest top 20 hit, who is receiving the praise? How can we do this appropriately in light of the above verse? Are we sharing in God’s glory, honor, praise? Maybe that’s why it feels “too” good.

A Suggestion

Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)

This is just a suggestion to all my friends on stage, whatever you do. Re-evaluate what you are doing. Make sure that your efforts to win the lost; to bring the congregation into a heart of worship; or to turn all eyes upon Jesus, do not make YOU the only object in their line of sight. This ain’t Wayne’s World, and we shouldn’t be Aerosmith.

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!” should be reserved for the ONE who IS.

The Non-Boyfriend Boy Friend

Girls

Here I am, 46 years into my trip toward room temperature, and I am still having to deal with girls’ emotions. I have been coming to terms with not understanding women, or at least knowing when to stay away when they feel like expressing their intelligence. And nearly 20 years of marriage has conditioned me for another 20 years of “whatever’s” and “yes dears.” So why now, after I have paid my dues, must I once again deal with teenage girls?

My dating years were not the best of years. My self esteem was irreparably scarred by the time one of my first dates asked me to drop her off early…in a parking lot…alone. Girls were like a fire to which I was drawn, and I was the helpless bug continually getting squashed. Therefore, since I am convinced teenage girls are hosts to alien invaders, why must I be forced to give aid and comfort to the enemy of mankind?

If I had to guess, part of the curse of the Fall was having to raise teenage girls. You can’t live with them, and you can’t ______ (you fill in the blank – I’m not going to incriminate myself) their boyfriends.

Boyfriends

I was once a boyfriend, and I hated myself for it. That is why I think it is my responsibility to guide other young men away from my daughters. Being a boyfriend is the last thing they should want to be. Staying away is best thing they can do.

However, what I find troubling is the attempt my daughter is making to fool me. She insists that her friend, a boy, is not a boyfriend. Yet, whenever a letter comes in the mail (in between the 42,584 texts), she grins and squeals as she reads it over and over. She invites him over to bake for him on his birthday and have pictures made together with their cheeks touching each other’s goofy faces. Believe, where there is chocolate, followed by physical contact of any kind, I am not fooled.

Between the Lines

So, tonight I made a comment that got Katie asking me all kinds of questions. In casual conversation, my so-far-alien-free daughter, Haley, asked, “When Katie and ____ (insert name or expletive, doesn’t matter) get married…” Excuse me?

That’s when I interrupted with, “She is not gonna marry _____.”

My single, unmarried, unspoken-for, and alien-inhabited daughter, Katie.

Later, when I was sitting at the computer, Katie came to kiss me goodnight and asked, “Why did you say I couldn’t marry ______ (insert name of endangered species)?”

Correct me if I am wrong, but was I not told that the non-boyfriend was just a friend? Then why would my statement about who she’s not going to marry be an issue? If my dad had told me I wasn’t going to marry my friend Kevin, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings one bit. So what’s the deal with endangered boy and daydreamer?

If she marries he-who-walks-on-thin-ice, then I’ll be forced to like him. Until then, what’s wrong with simply protecting a non-boyfriend from a danger he can’t understand? Who knows? If I spare him from being abducted by an alien, I might be the best friend the non-boyfriend boy friend could ever have.

He will thank me, later.