Author Archives: Anthony Baker

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About Anthony Baker

Husband, dad, pastor, artist, and musician. Time Magazine's Person of the Year in 2006 (no joke!). Loves coffee (big time), good movies, and sarcastic humor. Holds a Doctorate in Ministry. Most importantly, a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ. All glory belongs to Him! Matthew 5:16

The Non-Boyfriend Boy Friend

Girls

Here I am, 46 years into my trip toward room temperature, and I am still having to deal with girls’ emotions. I have been coming to terms with not understanding women, or at least knowing when to stay away when they feel like expressing their intelligence. And nearly 20 years of marriage has conditioned me for another 20 years of “whatever’s” and “yes dears.” So why now, after I have paid my dues, must I once again deal with teenage girls?

My dating years were not the best of years. My self esteem was irreparably scarred by the time one of my first dates asked me to drop her off early…in a parking lot…alone. Girls were like a fire to which I was drawn, and I was the helpless bug continually getting squashed. Therefore, since I am convinced teenage girls are hosts to alien invaders, why must I be forced to give aid and comfort to the enemy of mankind?

If I had to guess, part of the curse of the Fall was having to raise teenage girls. You can’t live with them, and you can’t ______ (you fill in the blank – I’m not going to incriminate myself) their boyfriends.

Boyfriends

I was once a boyfriend, and I hated myself for it. That is why I think it is my responsibility to guide other young men away from my daughters. Being a boyfriend is the last thing they should want to be. Staying away is best thing they can do.

However, what I find troubling is the attempt my daughter is making to fool me. She insists that her friend, a boy, is not a boyfriend. Yet, whenever a letter comes in the mail (in between the 42,584 texts), she grins and squeals as she reads it over and over. She invites him over to bake for him on his birthday and have pictures made together with their cheeks touching each other’s goofy faces. Believe, where there is chocolate, followed by physical contact of any kind, I am not fooled.

Between the Lines

So, tonight I made a comment that got Katie asking me all kinds of questions. In casual conversation, my so-far-alien-free daughter, Haley, asked, “When Katie and ____ (insert name or expletive, doesn’t matter) get married…” Excuse me?

That’s when I interrupted with, “She is not gonna marry _____.”

My single, unmarried, unspoken-for, and alien-inhabited daughter, Katie.

My single, unmarried, unspoken-for, and alien-inhabited daughter, Katie.

Later, when I was sitting at the computer, Katie came to kiss me goodnight and asked, “Why did you say I couldn’t marry ______ (insert name of endangered species)?”

Correct me if I am wrong, but was I not told that the non-boyfriend was just a friend? Then why would my statement about who she’s not going to marry be an issue? If my dad had told me I wasn’t going to marry my friend Kevin, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings one bit. So what’s the deal with endangered boy and daydreamer?

If she marries he-who-walks-on-thin-ice, then I’ll be forced to like him. Until then, what’s wrong with simply protecting a non-boyfriend from a danger he can’t understand? Who knows? If I spare him from being abducted by an alien, I might be the best friend the non-boyfriend boy friend could ever have.

He will thank me, later.

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Filed under Defending Traditional Marriage, Defining Marriage, Future, Life Lessons, Parenting, Relationships and Family, wisdom

Trying to Understand the Undead

Halloween

I hate Halloween. But if you are a big fan, one who looks forward to the glorification of death, evil, and the grotesque, then ghoul for you. My minimal desire for bags of candy and apples bobbed for in spit-filled water is not enough to make me dress up like a satanic mass murderer, which is what most costumes seem to portray.

Actually, this time of year gets on my nerves, and one of the biggest reasons is the proliferation of horror movies. Horror movies don’t scare me that much; they tick me off! They are always full of idiots walking into the dark asking, “Buffy, is that you?” And what’s worse, so many of today’s horror flicks involve ghostly, demonic hauntings by creepy dead kids. HINT: if a soaking-wet dead girl crawls out of a well and starts climbing through your TV, change the channel (preferably to a Christian station).

On a side note, has it ever occurred to anyone that all the demonic activity pictured in horror movies is nothing more than an attempt to convince us that the spiritual realm is real?

Really, I hate Halloween. I find no pleasure celebrating the very Enemy taking my friends and loved ones to hell.

The Undead

But what I really don’t get is the “undead”…zombies…Michael Jackson’s dance partners. Can somebody help me understand the logic behind the capabilities and actions of walking corpses?

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbury Park NJ, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There has been so much talk about zombies, lately. There have been a lot of movies and television programs devoted to grossing us out with their nastiness and appetite for human flesh. What’s the deal? Is it just an attempt to shift our attention away from the spiritual to the natural or animalistic? Who knows?

All I know is that the walking dead make no sense. Consider the following:

  1. Health. Why is it that when I have the flu I feel as good as dead, yet when a zombie is dead he feels more alive than me? If I break a bone I can’t function, but a zombie can have all his bones broken and break into an armored car! Have you seen what people die from? Why is it they have more energy once they’ve rotted away than when they were still exfoliating?
  2. Appetite. Why is it that the walking dead never seem to recognize that their fellow walkers are also human, and edible? And why are humans the only meat worth eating? Why don’t the walking dead break into grocery stores, butcher shops, and kennels? Seriously, don’t the dead understand that there is far more meat and brains in a cow?! Why eat the farmer???
  3. Blood. I’ve had too much experience in funeral homes to buy the idea that zombies coming out of graves have bright, red, flowing blood. How many walking dead have you seen dripping embalming fluid? Hmmm?
  4. Speed. Why can’t healthy people, including clumsy women in high heels, outrun people with muscles falling off the bone? Bones don’t work alone to cause movement; limbs need muscles to function. Even if one tripped over every blade of grass in an attempt to flee a rotting granny, how fast could granny be?
  5. Practicalities. If old people become zombies, do they have to keep their false teeth in order to chew their neighbor? Also, what is the life expectancy of something that is already dead? Oh, and when a zombie eats a human, where does the meat go? Do zombies poop?

The Real Undead

To be very honest, I am more afraid of my own stinking flesh than some dancer from Thriller.

“O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” (Romans 7:24)

I must crucify it on a daily basis and live in the life of Jesus Christ (Romans 13:14). For if I live in the power of my own zombie-like self, I will die: but if through the Spirit I put to death the deeds of this stinking body, I shall live (Romans 8:13).

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Filed under Christian Maturity, current events, General Observations, Humor, World View

Embarrassing Local News

The News

What is it about being on “the news?” We go home and grab the wife and kids and say, “Honey! I was standing by a horrible car crash when the T.V. station pointed a camera at me! I’m gonna be on the NEWS!

I have been written about in the news paper several times for different reasons (none crime-related). I have even been seen on local television news defending prayer at football games and chastising the city council for misappropriating tax dollars. But even if all I was doing was standing in line to buy fuel, it’s still fun to be spoken of in “the news.”

But sometimes being in the news is just plain embarrassing.

Dateline: Soddy-Daisy

Some places have a reputation for rearing bright, intelligent, first-class thinkers and leaders, like scholars, inventors, CEO’s, and U.S. Presidents (ok, we can discuss that last one later). But Soddy-Daisy needs to be careful of who they allow in the news, or before long they will have a reputation of bringing up idiots and fool-headed morons.

Soddy-Daisy, please don’t get angry with me! I lived there for years, as my mother and grandmother still do. I have lots of friends in Soddy-Daisy and consider it a great place to live. But seriously, you need to be careful about what kind of news stories you allow to get out. The one about the guy falling from the tree is now going global (thanks to me, ha!).

So, here’s the story….late last night (Tuesday, Aug. 22) a man was rescued from the woods after falling 70 feet from a tree. He suffered several fractures, but was lucky to be found alive after spending several hours calling for help.

(Puma concolor) aka: Mountain Lion, Puma

(Puma concolor) aka: Mountain Lion, Puma (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But here’s the REST of the story….he climbed the tree because he was chasing a mountain lion!

Just a few observations, then I’m done…

  1. Don’t go into the woods (forest) without a shock-resistant cell phone. They make calling for help much more effective.
  2. Mountain lions are not cuddly kittens. You don’t want to catch one in the wild.
  3. If you feel the need to chase a mountain lion in the woods, seek psychological help immediately. I mean, seriously, what did it do, steal your wallet?
  4. If a mountain lion decides to run from you and not towards you, one of two things should be done: a) you should stop, drop, and pray to God, giving thanks that your life was spared; or b) take a bath.
  5. If for some reason you desire to chase a fleeing mountain lion up a tree, remember gravity is not your friend. Therefore, while in the tree you will be fighting two enemies: a big cat with knives for fingernails and the laws of nature.
  6. If you fall out of a tree after chasing a mountain lion up the tree, don’t tell anyone, especially the news! Otherwise, you will be considered the biggest moron on the face of the planet, thereby further contributing to the bad press banjo-dueling rednecks already get.
  7. The mountain lion should have killed you, you big dummy!

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Filed under animals, current events, General Observations, Life Lessons, wisdom

Should We Pay the Preacher?

Preacher ‘Preesheeashun

Pastor Appreciation DayOctober is “Pastor Appreciation Month” here in America. Churches all over the place are planning different ways to show their pastors how much they care. Thankfully, Riverside (my church) is no exception: this Sunday, after the morning worship, a covered dish luncheon has been planned. Even though I don’t think anyone is planning on giving me the keys to a new Cadillac, Mexican cornbread would be nice.

The Reason for This Post. Because of all this ‘preecheeashun talk, I feel it is appropriate to address something rarely discussed: pastoral compensation.

In a recent edition (Aug. 16) of the Sword of the Lord newspaper, the editor ripped some comments historian David Barton made during an interview with Glenn Beck. The issue being debated was whether or not a pastor should receive an income from the church.

Should pastors be paid to be pastors? Should they earn their living elsewhere? What does the Bible say? Barton and the Sword of the Lord stand in opposition on this subject. I wonder where my opinion will fall?

Barton’s Belief

In June of 2013, ChristianPost.com discussed an interview historian David Barton had with conservative radio personality Glenn Beck. In that interview Barton spoke of the need for pastors to be more like Paul and become “bivocational.” Anything else he considered “church welfare.”

david barton

David Barton, Wallbuilders.com

“What they (pastors) believe is that they can’t survive without it. Now, I’m a big believer in the way Paul did it. Paul was bivocational. He had his own income so that he wasn’t dependent on a church…Right now what happens is so many ministers depend on their church, and I’m sorry, I often call it church welfare. These are guys that get their check from the church and they don’t want to mess with their check, don’t want to jeopardize that.”

It’s time for more pastors to become bivocational so that nobody can tell them what to do with their money. They own their own money…If the church money dries up, great, they are still ministers and they can still preach because they’ve got an income. So I’m really into that mold. And until we get out of the church welfare mold, the church takes care of me and I can’t afford to lose my check from the church. It’s going to be really tough to get the guys in a different direction.” – from ChristianPost.com

Essentially, Barton believes that a pastor should get a job outside of ministry so that he (the pastor) can better perform the work of ministry. In other words, a self-funded pastor is better than a fully-funded pastor.

Note: someone should inform David Barton of the statistics…most pastors are already bivocational. The economy and declining church attendance has made sure of that.

The Sword’s Swipe

In response to David Barton, the Sword of the Lord editor, Dr. Shelton Smith, wrote the following:

dr-shelton-smith-bio

Dr. Shelton Smith, editor of Sword of the Lord

“Barton is ill advised on this. First of all, it is totally scriptural for pastors to be paid and paid well (1 Tim. 5:17,18).

Secondly, if a pastor hesitates to “take a stand” because he is “taking a salary,” he needs to get a backbone and use it. If he can’t figure out something so simple as how to “take a stand and a salary” without flinching, then your church doesn’t need him as pastor.

Third, any church that would hold the salary over the pastor’s head in an attempt to throttle his voice is not a church where I want to be a member.

Fourth, pastors need to be fully funded so that they can invest themselves fully in prayer, preaching, teaching, soul winning, administering the work, and shepherding the flock. If a man does well with all his responsibilities as pastor, he won’t have a lot of time left to make his living elsewhere.”

Booyah! In your face, Mr. Barton! Seriously, this was a good response, but I do have some minor issues with it.

My Perspective

in old office

My study before I built my new book cases. I was making final notes before a Sunday service. Preparation time is more limited when you’re bivocational.

If you are still reading, I would like to make a few observations. If you are not still reading, then you won’t mind that this piece is a little longer than the average blog post.

Firstjust in case you don’t understand the difference, bivocational pastors are not necessarily “part-time” pastors; they do full-time work for part-time pay. “Part-time” is a misnomer. Bivocational guys need to have other sources of income because the congregations they serve cannot afford to “fully fund” them. The amount of responsibility is often the same.

Also, what we are talking about here are pastors of congregational-type churches, not ones who are paid regardless of where or how they perform the duties of their calling.

Second, I would love to be fully funded (“full time”), but the compensation my congregation can afford is not enough to provide for of a family of four (in this culture), especially when my wife cannot do any regular work. If I were able to walk away from my other jobs (driving a bus, etc.) to spend more time in study, prayer, and other aspects of ministry, that would be wonderful. However, I must deal with the cards I am dealt, and God holds the deck.

Third, regarding David Barton’s thoughts, it would be great if every preacher could be like Paul, but we are not. It is unwise to use Paul as the sole template for pastors, for even though Paul was a tent maker, he spoke several times about the appropriateness of meeting the temporal needs of ministers (1 Timothy 5:17; Romans 15:27; 1 Corinthians 9:9-14; Galatians 6:6).

pastors praying

Bivocational pastors praying for each other at a conference in Pigeon Forge, TN. Small churches; big men.

Fourth, I believe the Sword of the Lord comment is perpetuating a tendency to think of bivocational pastors as second-class ministers. The editor starts off his fourth point by saying “pastors need to be fully funded so that they can…” Can? Are we to understand that pastors who are not fully funded are not able to do what they are called to do? Intentional or not, the Sword is implying that if you want to find a good pastor, you must first look for ones who are paid well. Essentially, if the part-time guy was a better preacher he might have a bigger pay check.

Let me be clear about this. God is the one who ultimately chooses the fields in which His undershepherds are to minister.

“And I will give you pastors according to mine heart, which shall feed you with knowledge and understanding.” – Jeremiah 3:15

“And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:” – Ephesians 4:11-12

Many great men of God faithfully serve smaller congregations, while there are some real heathen leading churches running in the thousands. A man who has a jet is not automatically a man who spends more time in prayer and study. Where one serves should not be an automatic indication of ability.

Finally, it is true that a pastor should faithfully expound the Word without fear. However, without question there are those who fear saying anything to offend the one “holding the purse strings.” But on the other hand, knowing where one’s paycheck comes from can be a useful check on ones ego, brashness, and tendency to run off at the mouth without thinking. Nevertheless, a pastor who muzzles the Spirit for fear of losing his income is no worse than a pastor who’s in the ministry to get rich, and there are a lot of wealthy preachers who fit that bill.

bible“Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time [or pay] is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching [despite your income or other obligations]. For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. They will reject the truth and chase after myths. [So, at that point they’re gonna fire you, anyway.]” – 2 Timothy 4:2-4 NLT

To my fellow pastors, keep up the good work and finish well. Our reward is yet to come.

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Filed under baptist, General Observations, ministry, Preaching

?Moral

Which Is It?

You may be asking, “So, Anthony, what’s with the crazy title?” Well, I’m glad you asked. I will get to that in a moment, but first you have to hear the story.

Angry Bunnies

In a recent news story, a former Playboy model was defending a more recent Playboy model for getting buck naked before she became a school teacher. To be more specific, the former lust promoter was defending the recent lust promoter after the recently undressed exhibitionist was fired from her teaching job.

Here, just read the opening part of this story for yourself…

Students and parents at a Dallas, Texas high school were up in arms after their Spanish teacher, Cristy Nicole Deweese, was reportedly fired because she posed nude for Playboy.

And they’re not alone. We talked to Deweese’s friend, Liz Ashley, another Texas resident who has posed for Playboy, and who has also started a Facebook support page for Deweese called Support Cristy Nicole Deweese.

“Her modeling nude was not a crime and was in no way illegal,” Ashley told FOX411.

Essentially, Liz supports Cristy (bunny advocacy) and has no problem with Cristy’s self-exposure, and she furthermore thinks the school should have never fired the newbie bunny, because “modeling nude was not a crime.”

But Liz the bunny buddy goes on to say something else that was quite intriguing. Unless she was misquoted by Fox411, or unless there was an error in editing, the older Texas tart told reporters…

 “She committed no crimes with her students or did anything amoral [emphasis added] with her students while on the job, so why is her previous modeling career relevant?

Really? Did you catch that? Let me repeat the key part: “She…did [nothing] amoral with her students…”

Word Choice

Now, I am not going to sit here at my computer and judge the intelligence of a boob-flashing Hefner stooge. She may have misspoke when she used the word “amoral” in her description of young Cristy’s teaching career. Maybe she was just confused over the definition of the word and meant to use another, like “immoral,” or “moral.” Which was it?

According to Lay-me-down Liz, the defrocked Deweese did nothing “amoral,” so that only leaves moral or immoral, right? The truth is that there’s little taught that is void of a moral context of some sort (which would include one’s worldview).

Distracted

Liz Ashley asked, “…why is her previous modeling career relevant?” The answer is simple: boys will be boys.

The reason for the firing of bunny-turned-educator Cristy Nicole Deweese was not the fact that she posed nude, which is legal, just after she turned 18 (her parents must have been proud). The reason for her firing was that boys in her class, after finding out what she had done (who told them?), were [G]oogling her “spread” on their smartphones while in class!

It seems that school officials determined a teacher is to provide an education, but only in the field for which she is hired. On top of that, it may have been that too many hormonal young men were wanting to stay after class far too often.

So, Liz was correct in her choice of words, after all. Cristy was responsible for nothing “amoral” going on while she taught. Good job, Ms. Deweese!

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Filed under America, Culture Wars, current events, General Observations, World View

A Flirting God?

Don’t Be Shocked

I know that the title may come as a shock to many of you, but don’t be too shocked, at least not yet. I have been talking about men and women flirting over the last couple of days, but as I told you, there was a method to my madness.

You might be saying, “And if you say God is a flirt, then you are truly mad, you crazy fool!” But please, hear me (or read me) out. “Flirting” might not be the best word, but what about “wooing”? If not a flirting God, surely He woos us all the time.

Background

Now, just in case you think I am crazy, let me share with you one of my favorite verses from one of my favorite books in the Bible, Hosea.

I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of love: and I was to them as they that take off the yoke on their jaws, and I laid meat unto them.” – Hosea 11:4 KJV

With metaphor God explains to the prophet Hosea how He has gone the extra mile to win over His people’s love. That, after all, is the message portrayed by Hosea’s pursuit of Gomer (that’s his wife’s name) as she runs from lover to lover. God would much rather win our love than divorce (judge) us.

When I think of the first part of that verse, the words “cords of a man” become “heart strings.” In other words, in order to win our affections, God is doing everything He can to “pull our strings,” or at least the emotional strings of our hearts. Cool, huh?

Signs of Wooing

As with the last two posts, I’d like to consider some ways in which God might “flirt” with us. In other words, God might be wooing you if…

  • You wake up earlier than you wanted, but see the most beautiful sunrise of your life.
  • You decide to give up on life, only to have an email pop up showing someone worse off than you.
  • It seems that there is no meaning in life, but then you hear a baby cry, or your child says, “I wuv you.”
  • In the dark, late at night, you find yourself crying, but a warmth you can’t explain wraps around you, cradling you to sleep.
  • You find yourself feeling like a failure, worthless and dirty, then from out of nowhere comes a verse you learned in Sunday School: “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son…”

Do I need to go on? Is He pulling the strings of your heart? Will you respond to His advances?

He does love you!

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Filed under God, Love of God, salvation, self-worth

She Might Be Flirting If…

Stay With Me

Yesterday, taking a sharp turn from the direction I usually go, I wrote a post dealing with how men flirt. Today I am going to write about how women flirt, or at least my thoughts on the subject. But before you run off thinking The Recovering Legalist is becoming Vanity Fair or The Huffington Post, let me reassure you: there is a point to my madness.

Yesterday was about men. Today will be about women (or at least my understanding and perceptions of the creatures). Tomorrow will be about… Well, you’ll just have to come back tomorrow to find out. Just stay with me on this, OK?

More Nonsense

I scoured the web this morning looking for sources and I found several. However, unlike yesterday, I will give you the links at the bottom of the page, just so you’ll know I am not making this stuff up. Essentially there are a lot of websites and magazines with published articles dealing with “how to know if a woman is flirting.” But once again, several of the clues are deceptive.

Are you a nice person? Do you smile at people? Do you look people in the eye when you speak? Then you’d better watch out, somebody may think you are flirting!

The following are said to be clues that a woman is flirting, guys. So watch out, especially if she is one of those Proverbs 7 women (that’s not good).

  1. She’s staring at you. Never mind that you might have a piece of chicken in your tooth, or you may look like a suspected criminal, if a woman is staring at you, you might be daddy material.
  2. She smiles at you. According to the experts, yelling, screaming, hateful, and even non-emotional women are safe. It’s the ones that are smiling at you that should make you concerned (or excited). That means every girl that works at Chick-fil-A wants to take you on a date.
  3. sinead oconnerShe plays with her hair. Supposedly, if a woman fiddles with her hair – twirls it in her finger while talking or listening to you – she is flirting. Sinead O’Conner, therefore, will be hard to read, I suppose.
  4. She touches you. Normally, I would give credence to this one. However, some people are just “touchy” people. Some women have a motherly instinct that demands they straighten every tie and remove every piece of lint. So, don’t get creeped out when Granny brushes your shoulder.
  5. She draws attention to her body. Seriously? What woman does not try to draw attention to her body, or at least parts of it? What is makeup for? How long has it been since women have striven to be modest? Good grief, with the way women dress today, the only women not flirting are wearing long blue jean skirts (but they usually have long hair, so watch out for the twirling)!

My Experience

What do I think? How do I believe a man can tell if a woman is flirting? From my experience, which is admittedly limited, I believe there are a few legitimate, full-proof signs. Let me share them with you, but in a more Jeff Foxworthy-ish style…

  • If a woman looks at you with her eyes, she might be flirting.
  • If a woman throws the rock back at you from across the playground, she might be flirting.
  • If a woman asks you to sip something she is drinking, she is definitely flirting.
  • If a woman bites her lip when you wear chocolate-scented cologne, she just has a hankering for chocolate.
  • If a woman says you are ugly, she might be flirting.
  • If a woman says, “I wouldn’t go out with you in a million years,” all the while maintaining an incredulous smirk of disdain, ask her out again next week: she might be flirting with you.
  • If you happen to be wrestling (pronounced “wrasling”) around on the floor, and the girl you are pretending to let beat you up actually breaks your finger and then says, “OH, did I do that? I’m sorry!”… I’ll let you figure that one out. I just married her.

Well, my wife just asked me if I could tell when she was flirting, so I guess I will bring this post to a close. Just be careful, men.

The last thing you want to do is misinterpret a woman’s intentions. 

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Filed under current events, General Observations, Humor, Life Lessons, wisdom

Signs of Flirting?

Uncomfortable Topic

OK, so this is not a subject I normally discuss, but I feel I must say something.

I have seen several pieces in the news about how to know when a man is flirting, but the signs leave me a little puzzled. I mean, I am a man, so I should have some knowledge of when I am flirting, correct? But, evidently, I may be flirting when I don’t know it!

I don’t remember the sources for the following, but if you want to, just Google them (It is not my intention to plagiarize, but I am not getting graded on a paper, applying for a job, or getting paid for this post, so I’m not going to worry too much at this point). Here are…

Ten (supposed) ways to know a man is flirting with you:

  1. flirtingHe makes eye contact when he talks.
  2. He touches his face.
  3. He laughs at a girl’s jokes.
  4. He messes with his own hair.
  5. He tries to gain your attention.
  6. He leans in closer when you talk.
  7. He touches you on the shoulder.
  8. He always has a smile.
  9. He puts his hands on his waist.
  10. He throws rocks at you from across the playground.

Analysis of List

First, I always thought that I was supposed to make eye contact when talking with someone. Does this mean that every time I look someone in the eyes I am flirting? I guess I am going to have to revert back to my insecure, shifty-eye days.

Second, what if a guy feels bugs crawling on his face and in his hair? Should #2 and #4 on the list be avoided? I mean, if I get an itch, does that mean a woman is going to slap me?

Third, maybe guys are just being nice, you know? I try to smile at everybody’s jokes, don’t you? Sometimes a girl can be funny, even when she is ugly as a burnt tree.

Attention? What’s wrong with trying to get someone’s attention? Sure, there are different ways to do that, but come on! Just because I honk my horn at a lady walking down the street does not mean I want a date; there may be a tiger behind her, or a hole in front of her. The right thing to do is warn her.

Next (is this fifth?), the reason I lean in closer to a girl is because I am deaf from all the head-banging Southern Gospel music I have played.

Sixthly, I may put my hands on my waist, but it might only mean I am disgusted with you. I would hardly call that flirting. But if I do put my hand on your shoulder, it might mean that I am secretly trying to see if the Vulcan grip really works.

Seventh, I always smile. Not really. That’s a lie.

Eighthly, ninethly, and tenthly, if I throw a rock at you on the playground, then I am absolutely flirting. Every boy knows that’s the way you let a girl know you like her. But since I am married, and since flirting with other women could cause my wife to do bad things to me in my sleep, I will keep my rocks to myself.

One Other Thing

There was one other sign that I did not include in the above list, but was in one article I read: “If a guy plays footsies with you in the sand, he might be flirting.”

If a guy starts rubbing his feet all over yours, that’s not a sign of flirting, people; that’s something way more. Ladies (and I am talking to women at this point), either get wedding invitations ready, or make use of a well-placed knee. You need no other signs.

Your welcome. 

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Filed under current events, General Observations, Humor, Life Lessons, wisdom

Her Pain Is Mine

Fibromyalgia

I don’t know what you know about fibromyalgia, but whatever it is, whatever causes it, my wife suffers terribly from it. Over the last several years it has robbed my wife of her ability to enjoy many things in life that we take for granted, like sitting, sleeping, getting dressed, washing one’s hair, or even being hugged.

So many people doubt fibromyalgia is real. They say that if it was a legitimate illness, then there would be clearly identifiable symptoms, specific medications or treatments that would work, and even a Jerry Lewis-like celebrity raising money for research. Unfortunately, the only real constant for my wife is pain, and all that comes with never getting relief.

valeriePutting on a brave face is a daily occurrence. My wife was always the hard worker, the entrepreneur, and the aggravating “early riser” who would wake everyone else in the house with, “Thank you, Lord, for this fine day!” Now, her smile is for the encouragement of others who look to her as a pastor’s wife; but her family knows the truth: she spends much of her time in tears.

We have tried doctor after doctor, from local clinics to Vanderbilt. Tests of every kind have been run, yet all are inconclusive. The only diagnosis is fibromyalgia – and there is no cure. She has her better days, and her really bad days, but rarely are there good days. It would seem that this is a burden which we are destined to bear, that is, until God sees fit to lift it.

After a particular troubling doctor visit today, one who made all kinds of false assumptions and accusations, my dear wife decided she couldn’t handle much more. She wept. That is when I wrote the following poem.

Give Us Strength

I tend to wonder

About what I know

Or at least what I think I know

About pain, about grief

About the reason for no sleep

I tend to wonder

I tend to ask

The usual “whys?”

And I guess I know the “why”

But I doubt at times

When there’s no reason or rhyme

I tend to ask

I know the truth

But I tend to wonder

About the load she’s under

The pain without an end

I ask for answers, even when

I know the Truth

Give me strength

But give her more

Dry her tears; make mine pour

On my shoulders place her sorrow

And for the joy again tomorrow

Give us strength

Pray for Us

I try to be funny on this blog. There are times I get angry, too. But right now I really want to ask all of you who pray to intercede for my wife, Valerie. Pray for her healing. Pray that I will know how to better encourage her. But pray, most of all, that through all that we endure God will receive the glory.

As both of us cry together and wonder why she has to go through this, I am reminded of our Savior who also cried in the garden and said: “Father, if it be your will, let this cup pass from me.” Our prayer is that this will pass.

But, Jesus also said, “Nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done.” (Luke 22:42) Whatever tomorrow holds, to God be the glory!

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV

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Filed under Christian Living, Christian Maturity, Defining Marriage, Do not judge, Faith, Life Lessons, poetry, Relationships and Family

Arguing for Infanticide?

WARNING! The following subject may be unsuitable for some people. If you support abortion you will probably be offended, so just go click something on the Huffington Post’s website. If not that, go watch a video of Bill Mayer bashing Christians, or something. Just understand, this is a WARNING from a pro-life Christian that what I am about to say will not make Planned Parenthood supporters very happy.

(Maybe we’ll get to some more lighthearted posts next week.)

Post-Birth Abortion?

What I am about to share with you goes beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Even those of you who are “pro-choice” should recognize that a line dividing humanity from devils is being crossed.

The video you are about to watch is not new, but it shows a woman by the name of Alisa LaPolt Snow, a lobbyist representing the Florida Alliance of Planned Parenthood Affiliates, defending the murder living, breathing, pain-feeling, on-the-table-kicking babies. I recently saw this on a Facebook post and decided I had to comment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=qEv1afKaLhA

It’s Murder

I don’t know how else to define taking the life of a living, breathing, baby but cold-blooded murder. There is no other sensible way to describe it.

And you know what, dear readers, it doesn’t matter a hill of beans what circumstances surround the birth or what may potentially come of the child in question. None of us know what tomorrow holds, so since it is possible we might end up in a vegetative state after a car accident, should we just go ahead and commit suicide? Who are we, then, to commit murder based on what type of life a child may or may not have in the future?

The final questioning in this video had to do with whether or not an abortion doctor should be required to provide transportation to a medical facility for a baby born alive. All Ms. Snow could say was “what if it’s 45 minutes away?”

God help us, people! How calloused can we be?! How could people just sit there with no emotion as a blooming idiot representing Planned Parenthood could deny she knows what happens in an abortion clinic? How could they not rise up with indignation and throw her out of the court room when she admits the thought of the baby actually being the patient was something she had not considered, but was worthy of further discussion?!!

But, you know, why should we criticize Alisa LaPolt Snow and Planned Parenthood? They are, after all, only following in the steps of the great universal health care provider himself, President Obama. Consider the following audio from the Illinois State Senate in 2003. Here Senator Obama makes essentially the same argument as Ms. Snow, but much more eloquently.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUkbuhXzbvI&feature=player_embedded

The sad fact is that a fetus outside the womb is a baby. If that baby is breathing and moving, it is alive. The question of “viability” is no longer part of the equation. To let it die, or to kill it, is without question, except in the mind of those who desire no accountability, murder.

Again, God help us.

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Filed under Abortion, Culture Wars, current events