Embarrassing Local News

The News

What is it about being on “the news?” We go home and grab the wife and kids and say, “Honey! I was standing by a horrible car crash when the T.V. station pointed a camera at me! I’m gonna be on the NEWS!

I have been written about in the news paper several times for different reasons (none crime-related). I have even been seen on local television news defending prayer at football games and chastising the city council for misappropriating tax dollars. But even if all I was doing was standing in line to buy fuel, it’s still fun to be spoken of in “the news.”

But sometimes being in the news is just plain embarrassing.

Dateline: Soddy-Daisy

Some places have a reputation for rearing bright, intelligent, first-class thinkers and leaders, like scholars, inventors, CEO’s, and U.S. Presidents (ok, we can discuss that last one later). But Soddy-Daisy needs to be careful of who they allow in the news, or before long they will have a reputation of bringing up idiots and fool-headed morons.

Soddy-Daisy, please don’t get angry with me! I lived there for years, as my mother and grandmother still do. I have lots of friends in Soddy-Daisy and consider it a great place to live. But seriously, you need to be careful about what kind of news stories you allow to get out. The one about the guy falling from the tree is now going global (thanks to me, ha!).

So, here’s the story….late last night (Tuesday, Aug. 22) a man was rescued from the woods after falling 70 feet from a tree. He suffered several fractures, but was lucky to be found alive after spending several hours calling for help.

(Puma concolor) aka: Mountain Lion, Puma

(Puma concolor) aka: Mountain Lion, Puma (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But here’s the REST of the story….he climbed the tree because he was chasing a mountain lion!

Just a few observations, then I’m done…

  1. Don’t go into the woods (forest) without a shock-resistant cell phone. They make calling for help much more effective.
  2. Mountain lions are not cuddly kittens. You don’t want to catch one in the wild.
  3. If you feel the need to chase a mountain lion in the woods, seek psychological help immediately. I mean, seriously, what did it do, steal your wallet?
  4. If a mountain lion decides to run from you and not towards you, one of two things should be done: a) you should stop, drop, and pray to God, giving thanks that your life was spared; or b) take a bath.
  5. If for some reason you desire to chase a fleeing mountain lion up a tree, remember gravity is not your friend. Therefore, while in the tree you will be fighting two enemies: a big cat with knives for fingernails and the laws of nature.
  6. If you fall out of a tree after chasing a mountain lion up the tree, don’t tell anyone, especially the news! Otherwise, you will be considered the biggest moron on the face of the planet, thereby further contributing to the bad press banjo-dueling rednecks already get.
  7. The mountain lion should have killed you, you big dummy!
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1 Comment

Filed under animals, current events, General Observations, Life Lessons, wisdom

One response to “Embarrassing Local News

  1. Hilarious! Absolutely hilarious.

    We have these sorts of folks in my home town, too. But I don’t think we have any mountain lions…

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