by | September 24, 2012 · 12:30 am

Anthony’s Appetite Gone Berzerk

All at Once

I have so much to do this week, it isn’t even funny. I am SOOO far behind in my seminary work, it will be a seminary miracle if I get it all done in time (and get a decent grade). Therefore, this will be the last post I publish this week.

So, instead of making a “Monday Monkey,” I am switching things up a bit and doing an expanded “Anthony’s Appetite.” Yep, in this post I am going to tell you about a bunch of stuff I have consumed. Then I can delete the pictures off my phone.

But Wait!

I don’t have to do it all in one, long post, do I? I could spread the culinary joy out over several posts and schedule them to post without me being here! Cool!

Ah, the wonders of modern technology.

Start With Coffee

Let’s start with a great place to have coffee and the coffee that they serve.

The Stone Cup Roasting Company is a great coffee bar in the North Shore Art district of Chattanooga (i.e., tree hugger land).

Believe it or not, folks, there are better places to have coffee than Starbucks. As a matter of fact, I would rather have a cup of instant coffee than a cup of Starbucks’ regular blend.

The Stone Cup is one of several good coffee places in Chattanooga. And like all the really good places, they roast their own beans, so Stone Cup’s coffee tastes different from other places (especially Starbucks).

French Press

I don’t know if you have ever had coffee made in a French press, but you need to. Here you can see that when I ordered a French press, they actually gave me my own press to watch as the timer crept toward 4 minutes.

Unlike filtered coffee, pressed coffee retains all the oils that otherwise get trapped in the filter. The result is a rich, flavorful beverage that is smooth and intense, but not any “stronger” than regular coffee. It just tastes better.

Espresso

Now, I have had several espressos at Starbucks and other places. This espresso was just plain wonderful. It was not bitter, but creamy and intoxicating.

And what’s more, the little cups that they serve their espresso in sure beats the little paper cups.

Let’s Visit

If you are ever in Chattanooga and have a few minutes to just sit and sip, call me up. We could go get a cup of joe at the Stone Cup. We could sit inside and look at original art, or go outside on the balcony and talk theology, legalism, or grace.

You can buy, of course.

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by | September 19, 2012 · 9:56 am

Crazy Statements

Things I’ve Heard

I know you have heard crazy things that people say, even though the people saying those things think what they are saying is brilliant. Here are just a few that I have heard…

– “If you don’t stop crying, I’m gonna give you something to cry about.” Really? If I was already crying, did I not have something to cry about?

– “It’s pretty complicated until you understand it, then it’s pretty simple.” I literally heard a nursing instructor say this to a student as I was walking through a hospital.

– “If we just keep flying the fuel will burn off and then it will level out.” O. K. Yep, that’s a great idea. And that is exactly what my father-in-law told me after we had taken on fuel and were flying funny.

– “If you want to learn to swim, just jump in.” As much as I loved my dad, I never understood the logic of that one.

– “How are you doing today?” Well, if I was asked that question on a street corner, or in the middle of nowhere, I might understand. But when I am asked that question by a doctor while I am lying on an emergency room table, what am I supposed to say, “Fine?” Typically I say, “Well, if I were doing well I wouldn’t be here, now would I?”

The Craziest of All (at least recently)

But recently I have been hearing a crazy statement being uttered by seemingly thoughtful and intelligent Americans. They say it like it is supposed to make sense, but it doesn’t. They think it is a statement which exhibits wisdom, moral clarity, and profundity on the level of King Solomon himself.

Maybe you have heard it. Maybe you have even been tricked into saying it. Maybe, without you knowing it, aliens implanted little devices in your brain while you were sleeping, so you can’t help yourself. It goes like this…

“I refuse to vote, because voting for the lesser evil is still voting for evil; therefore, if the greater evil wins, at least my conscience will be clear, because I did not vote for either.”

Save yourself! Seek help, immediately! Making crazy statements like this could be a sign that your brain is shutting down.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

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by | September 17, 2012 · 9:31 am

Monday Monkey “Happy Birthday” (Episode 30)

Woo Hoo! Happy Birthday!

Yep, it’s my birthday. I am 45 years old. 45 years ago one woman was given the honor to be my mother.

Will there be cake? I don’t know. Will there be presents? I don’t know. Will there be donations sent in from around the world to the Keep Anthony from Being Poor fund? I don’t know.

What Matters

Aside from a loving family and a roof over my head, what more could I ask for? Riches? No. A new car? Uh, no. I think I have been pretty blessed. And what’s more, I have something that no one else in the world has…

I have a monkey that can sing “happy birthday” to me.

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by | September 16, 2012 · 3:04 pm

You Might Be a Sinner If…

I’m a Redneck

Yes, I confess. I am a redneck, especially considering how burned my neck is after standing out in the sun for five+ hours. Which leads me to ask a question of myself…why do I never remember sun screen unless I go to a beach?

And I also know that I am a redneck because Jeff Foxworthy told me so. If you remember, Foxworthy’s comic routine made famous the line, “You might be a redneck.” Here are some that I know have applied to me at least once over the 45 years of my life (as of tomorrow, the 17th).

You might be a redneck if…

  • You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
  • Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  • Directions to your house include “Turn off the  paved road.”
  • Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a  flashlight.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.

I’m a Sinner

Unlike a whole lot of people in this world (and in a world of their own), I can admit that I am a sinner. The only difference is that once I confessed my inability to change my nature, I traded my “filthy rags” for the imputed righteousness of Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:9). Now, I’m still a sinner, but I’m am a saved sinner.

So, based on the actions of Adam and Eve in the third chapter of Genesis, I took a cue from Jeff Foxworthy and came up with my own list of “you might be’s.” From that list I preached a message entitled “You Might Be a Sinner If…”

You might be a sinner if…

  •   You have ever talked to a Serpent – and taken its advice (v. 2).
  •   You know the difference between “Naked” and “Necked” (v. 7). Side Note: If you consider fig leaves appropriate attire, you might be a sinner.
  •  You feel like running when the law shows up (v. 8).
  •  God is searching for you, and not the other way around (v. 9).
  •  You feel self-conscious or defensive about anything you’ve ever done (v. 9-10).
  •  You ever play the “blame game” – Others, “The devil made me do it” (v. 11-13).
  •  You were born (Romans 5:12).

Change of Status

Some people try on their own to change their status in life. Sometimes rednecks move away from Redneckville in order to become a different person. But what they find out is that Redneckville never left their heart. They still have those same desires to grill Spam and fish with dynamite.

In the same way, many people think, once they finally realize they are sinners, that change can come with a simple change of atmosphere, or the turning over of a new fig leaf.

The fact is that sinners don’t become “saints” on their own. It takes outside intervention.

If we confess with our sins, he is faithful to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9

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by | September 15, 2012 · 8:24 pm

Block Party 2012

What is Evangelism?

I know a whole lot of Christians who would disagree with what we did at Riverside Baptist, today. They would say, “You never preached, handed out a tract, or sang a gospel song. You call this outreach?”

Why, yes I do.

You see, there are many in the Church who think that there is only one way to evangelize the lost and reach the back-slidden. They would never even consider having  an event where no one preached, handed out literature, or did a mock hell pit with straw-men torches. They would consider our event a failure.

But what is evangelism? Is there only one way of reaching people with the gospel? Is there only one way to show people you care about them?

An Old Adage

Painting faces.

I believe it was Zig Ziglar who said, “People will never care what you know until they know how much you care.” That is the absolute truth, too. And that was the mission of our block party.

There are so many who are not in church simply because they feel unloved and unwanted. They think that all Christians want to do is take up offerings and sing old hymns. The last thing they ever think is that we are real people who really care about their lives. If they could only know that we care, they might want to hear what we believe.

Instructions

As pastor of Riverside, I gave instructions to all who were to participate at this event. I did my best to make it perfectly clear what was expected of each of us.

  • Kids in a fire engine.

    First, this was not to be a church service. We invited people to a party, not communion.

  • Secondly, everything was to be free. No asking for donations. No admission. No charge for “stuff” that was done.
  • Next, it didn’t matter who showed up, they were to be talked to and befriended. I asked all of my congregation to show up, if for no other reason than to just sit and talk. People like to sit and talk about their lives to somebody who actually listens – and cares.
  • Have fun without any expectations.

This event was to be a seed-planting event. It was to be a time to let the community know that we are here. It was to be a time to let the Holy Spirit work through us in the way that we cared.

The Results

Eating inside where it was cool.

My legalistic friends (do I have any legalistic friends?) might like to ask me how things turned out. I am sure they would want to know how many got saved. I am sure that they would love to ask me at what point I stood up and shared the gospel with all the visitors. I am sure that they would love to point out that this event was a failure, since there was not one conversion.

I would totally disagree.

Our little church had scores of people show up today. Many of them did not attend any church. How do I know that? Because they told me so. They filled out cards in order to register for genuinely nice door prizes.

I got to talk with one young mother who wanted to go to church, but thought people would make fun of her tattoos.

I spoke with a young mother of four who wanted to go to church, but felt that her life was too messed up. Oh, really? I told her we would love to have her. I told her about how God’s grace and forgiveness was there for her.

The Expectations

What do I expect? I expect to see visitors at church in the morning. I expect our members to come to church tired, but with a feeling of hope. I expect people to show up that didn’t even come to the block party (because that’s how God works).

Smiling coming and going.

I expect kids on my bus to mention to their families that their bus driver is a preacher, but he is cool.

I expect people who never talked about this little church to talk about this little church and say, “Hey, those people are really nice. Why don’t we go hear that guy preach?”

I expect more things to come.

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by | September 12, 2012 · 1:23 pm

NBC: “We Will Re-mam-ber”

Thank You

I just want to thank the Today Show and NBC for focusing on the more important things in this world. Not being pressured, the Today Show stood firm in its resolve to raise breast implant awareness to the position it deserves.

At 8:46 am on the day when everyone else in New York were observing a moment of silence, you were anything but silent. And because of your voice, your interview with Kris Jenner is firmly implanted in our minds.

Even though it is important to remember such a traumatic date as 9/11, you felt it was more important (paraphrasing Jenner) “to remind women that, you know, check your expiration date.”

The Message

While President Obama and the First Lady were standing in silence; while families of those who were killed bowed their heads; while first responders stood quietly remembering their fallen comrades; you reminded us that fallen comrades and family members, even fallen buildings, are not as important as the cure for fallen breasts.

Eleven years ago on September 11th, the world gasped as they witnessed the horror of Islamic terrorism bringing America to her knees. Each year after that we have been remembering the very moment when the first plane hit the World Trade Center. But you, oh herald of all things truly relevant, made the decision to speak out during the silence. How brilliant!

Now, instead of fallen heroes, we are focused on fallen breasts. Instead of the tears of a nation, we will remember the clear silicone that is close to so many hearts. And instead of the faces of those lost on that tragic day, we will now remember the face of the reality TV star who was brave enough to talk about her expansions.

Thank you, Today Show and NBC, for preaching the mammary message we all need to hear – “Towers may fall, but boobs don’t have to.”

Don’t worry, NBC, we WILL remamber!

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by | September 11, 2012 · 12:30 am

Where Were You

Eleven Years Ago

Where were you eleven years ago on the morning of September 11th? Do you remember? I do.

That morning I was driving a school bus in Hopkinsville, Kentucky. I will never forget going to my car after parking my bus, then turning on the radio to listen to Bob and Tom, a morning radio show.

Normally, the radio program was constant joking around, funny comedy bits, and crazy songs (My wife usually griped at me for listening to them). That morning, when I cranked my car and turned on the radio, there was something different in Bob and Tom’s voices. They weren’t laughing. They weren’t joking. Something had happened, and they were not quite sure what it was. An accident?

The Television

I turned off my car, walked quickly across a gravel parking lot, and went into the office where a crowd of other drivers were not gathered. They were all looking up at a little 12 inch television in the mounted in the corner of the room.

Smoke was coming from one of the Twin Towers. People were wondering what in the world could have happened. Then they showed a second plane hit. The world changed.

It was while I was watching that little television that I realized life would never be the same. I walked out of the office, in a daze, sick at my stomach, thinking about what I had just witnessed. I started to cry.

That Afternoon

My was at home in bed with a migraine. She wasn’t watching TV, so she had no clue what was going on. I opened the door to the bedroom and said, “Valerie! Dad-gum it! You’re sleeping through history!!” Frankly, she wasn’t very happy me or my volume.

Things changed so quickly, especially after the other attacks and the collapse of the towers. Hopkinsville was right next to Fort Campbell, the home of the 101st Airborne. Just a few days before all that had been necessary to get past the guard and on base was a drivers license. The laid-back soldiers at the guard posts, armed only with a pistol, would politely wave you through and wish you a good day. That afternoon non-essential personnel were prohibited from passing through the gates, and at each post there stood soldiers in body armor and armed with automatic assault weapons. Each had orders to shoot.

There were 40,000 (est.) soldiers (not counting family) on base at Ft. Campbell, and more living in either Hopkinsville, KY, or Clarksville, TN. Many of those soldiers and their families went to churches in our town. Their children went to school on our buses. That afternoon the buses were almost empty.

I was glad. I was sick. I couldn’t focus on much. I was constantly fighting back tears.

That Night

That night was a night of contemplation, of prayer. That night brought a swell of patriotism. That night turned many peaceful people into would-be warriors. That night America wanted revenge. That night I didn’t sleep well.

That night I looked up into the night sky, to the heavens, to pray. There were no red or white blinking lights, only stars. God had our attention that night. But that was then.

Where were you? Where are you now?

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by | September 10, 2012 · 12:16 am

Monday Monkey “Monkeys Hate Alarm Clocks” (Episode 29)

Keeping With the Times

Yes, in keeping with the “times,” I have produced another video with a clock in it. The last one I made stirred up a long string of comments and heated debate.

Maybe the atheists will approve of this one. (insert winking smiley face)

Oh! I almost forgot! Check out my daughter Katie’s photo blog, Shutter Elf. She is a great little photographer, and she is responsible for a couple of shots in the video.

Disclaimer

No monkeys, whether alive or not, were harmed during the making of this video. Also, no hammers were harmed in the making of the video, either.

“Monkeys Hate Alarm Clocks”

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by | September 9, 2012 · 12:30 am

Republic of Moldova

New, but Old

Back in 1991 I spent about a month in Romania. It was during this time that civil unrest broke out in the little country of Moldova. To say the least, it was a little unnerving to be only 90 miles away from Russian Spetsnaz “peace keepers.”

It was in 1991 that tiny Moldova finally gained its independence from the Soviet Union. But Moldova has been traded back and forth for thousands of years between different tribes and nations. At one point Moldova was actually part of early Romania, but it was also controlled at different times by the Romans, the Huns, the Bulgarians, and the Mongols.

Opposite of Luxembourg

If you remember last week’s country, Luxembourg, you will remember that she is one of the most wealthy countries in the world (per capita). Well, if Luxembourg is top on the money list, Moldova is right at the bottom.

According to the European Parliament (via Wikipedia), Moldova is the poorest country in all of Europe in terms of GDP. And despite their economy growing in the last few years, the per capita GDP is only $2022.! To put that in perspective, the United States’ per capita GDP is $48,400, while Luxembourg’s $115,000! 20% of the population lives at or below the absolute poverty line of $2.15 a day.

Religious

According to one of the only sources I am using today, most of the people in Moldova are Christian (93.3%). The only problem with that number is that most are either Russian or Romanian Eastern Orthodox. It is said that the church is so affected by culture and national interests that professing atheists (0.4%) participate in religious activities simply because it’s the thing to do.

My concern is that there may be the ability to know the truth of Christ within the churches of Moldova, but do they? Is Christianity mostly a cultural institution, or do they really know Jesus?

It is not my intention to belittle the Orthodox Church in Moldova. But it makes me wonder: a country that forces all religious groups to register with the state doesn’t help me to believe that 93% of its citizens are filled with the Spirit.

Grace Awaits

Many times religious people find their hope of salvation in the keeping of tradition, the confessional, or prayers to saints in a candle-lit room. What they don’t understand is that Grace is calling out to them. Jesus wants to set them free from legalism and a cold, unevangelical faith.

I don’t know how many visits I have had to this blog by people in Moldova, but it can’t be more than a few. Yet, there has been at least one, so just pray that this site might spark a revival in such a poor and thirsty land.

And while you are praying, pray for the economic situation in Moldova.

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by | September 7, 2012 · 12:59 pm

Old Wisdom on New Bus

It was over a year ago that I did a series of posts entitled “Lessons from the School Bus.” Now that a new school year is here, and because I have a “new” bus for my route, I thought it would be fun to re-visit an old post.

This is my “new” 374 sitting behind our church in front of my study. After I took the picture I realized it is in a handicap parking place. But don’t worry, I don’t park it there on church service days.

(The following post was first published as “Lessons from the School Bus #2”)

“Which Way?”

Every school bus driver is a hero, but Sub Drivers are in a class by themselves. I should know….I was one.

Sub Drivers Rule!

Unlike a driver that has a regular route, a “sub” is driver that drives different routes every day. Whenever a driver gets sick, lays out, or gets fired for doing something stupid, the substitute driver has to drive that route. Most of the time, the call comes without any warning…or sunlight.

However, one of the problems that a sub driver faces is figuring out where to go. Imagine being put in a vehicle with 70 children just out of class, wanting to go home. Imagine you are in a part of town you’ve never been in before. Imagine that you have no instructions or directions, but must depend on the kids (Heaven help us) to get you where you need to go. Been there…done that…literally got the t-shirt.

Now, try to imagine that the very ones that are trying to tell you where to turn don’t EVEN know their rights from their lefts! It happened to me…..surely it did!

“I’m NOT Stupid”

I will never forget pulling up to an intersection and being forced to decide which way to go. I ask, “Which way?” The response comes back, “Go right.” So, that’s what I proceeded to do, when, I swear, the conversation went something like this:

Kid 1:  NOOO! Go RIGHT! You’re going the wrong way!

Me:     Wait, you said “Go right,” so that what I was doing.

Kid 1:  No you weren’t…you’re going left…I said “go right.”

Me:     I DID go right!

Kid 1:  No, you went left.

Kid 2:  You did tell the bus driver to go right, man, and that’s what he did.

Kid 1:  No he didn’t! He went left!

Kid 2: Dude, you must not know your right from your left.

Kid 1:  Shut up! Yes I DO!!

Me:     (To Kid 1) Ok, let’s get this straight. Which is right, and which is left? Hold up your right hand.

Kid 1:  (Holds up his left hand)

Me:     Hold up your left hand.

Kid 1:  (Holds up his right) See, I told you. I’m NOT stupid!

Life Lesson

There is a right way, and there is a wrong way. The right way may be the left way; but if the facts are not right, somebody’s gonna get left. I know I’m right on this one.  As a matter of fact, there is a verse in the Bible that seems to talk about the same thing.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. – Pro 14:12 (NIV)

Make sure of two things: 1) the direction you are going; and 2) that your source of determining right and wrong (or right and left) is reliable. You don’t want to go the wrong way for an eternity, do you?

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