Dear Alabama,
My heart breaks for you. Hot, painful tears stream down my cheeks. Every time I breath through my nose I think of how sore a sobbing elephant’s trunk must feel. Oh, and how many trees had to die to make the piles of tissue needed to capture the snot?
If you need a shoulder, dear Tide fan, I’m here for you. I know you’re crushed. Just give me a call if you need to talk; I’ll be happy to listen.
Just make sure you call – don’t FaceTime me – I don’t want you to see my smile 🙂
Filed under Depression, Humor
Here is just another example of insight into the human psyche gained while driving a school bus. Enjoy!
One morning, after picking up several young children, one little boy – a kindergartener – Â began to sing one of his most favorite songs…”Let It Go.”
Another little boy who was sitting next to him, a second-grader, began pleading with him to stop, after which he begged me to intervene. I couldn’t help it – I had to……let it go, let it go!
The younger boy (Boy 1) was singing the theme song from Frozen, to which the older boy (Boy 2) responded with his own lyrics: “Shuh uht up! Shuh uht up! I don’t want you to sing anymo oh ore!”
An illustration of mine from “Life Lessons from the School Bus”
Me: Â What’s wrong? Don’t you like Frozen?
Boy 2: Â NO! It’s a stupid movie!
Me: Â What, you don’t like singing snowmen? What about Frosty the Snowman?
Boy 2: Â I like Frosty, but he was real! Somebody put a hat on him and he started moving.
Me: Â So, you don’t like Olaf?
Boy 2: Â I like him, OK, but he’s not real…not like Frosty.
Seriously, if I made this stuff up it wouldn’t be as funny.
You know, the above story is sort of like arguments adults have. One particular argument that comes to mind is the one about where life on earth came from (I know the analogy isn’t perfect, but I hope you get the point).
Man 1: Â I love to sing about Creation! “Oh Lord my God, when I in awestruck wonder, consider all the worlds Thy hands have made!“
Man 2: Â Stop it! I don’t want to hear all that nonsense! Sing something else, or sing nothing at all.
Man 1:Â But I wan’t to sing! “Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee. ‘How great thou Art! How great Thou art!“
Man 2: Â STOP IT! I don’t want to hear it! God is NOT great! God is NOT great! He doesn’t even exist!
Man 1: Â Yes, He does! And because He created me and gave me life, I want to give Him praise.
Man 2: Â Oh, give me a break! I love life as much as anyone, if not more, but I’m not going to praise your God for it!
Man 1: Â Oh, really? You believe that human life evolved from something that came from nothing? Do you really want to sing praises to nothingness?
Man 2: Â Don’t be silly! Haven’t you ever heard of panspermia?
Man 1: Â Uh, no. Not really.
Man 2: Â You simpleton! You naive worshipper of a mythical fairy-god! You’re nothing but a slave to a worthless, iron-age book of man-made fiction. Life on earth didn’t evolve from nothing; it was planted here by intelligent life from beyond, from outer space.
Man 1: Â Right! You mean God?
Man 2: Â No! You idiot! Aliens!
Man 1: Â Huh? But…
Man 2:Â Shut up! I don’t wan’t to hear any more of your foolishness! God is not real; aliens are!
(Video of Richard Dawkins defending the theory of panspermia: the theory that alien intelligent life, not a Creator God, placed life on this planet.)
Uhmm…OK… Â Let it go! Let it go!
“Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.” – Hebrews 11:3
Filed under Aliens, Apologetics, Humor
One thing about not regularly pastoring a congregation is that I get a chance to visit other churches. Last night I got to visit New Salem Baptist Church and fill in for the regular pastor, Alan Rogers.
If you’ve never done it before, filling in for another pastor can be rather fun. In other words, it’s always refreshing to preach from someone else’s pulpit when there’s no risk of you being fired. HA!
So, just in case I have many more opportunities to cover for other pastors while on vacation or at a conference, or whatever, here are some sermon ideas I’m considering. Just let me know when you want me to come preach one….(cue the maniacal BWWAAAHAHAHA!)
Below is a picture of me preaching at New Salem Baptist in Soddy-Daisy, TN. They had a big screen behind me, but it was not put to use when I was talking. Therefore, I did a little editing. What do you think?
Would you like to know why I HATE the devil? If so, that’ll be my next post.
The following was originally published in October of 2012.
I am not a big Halloween guy. I don’t get in to the dressing up, and all that. For that matter, I don’t really celebrate the holiday.
However, I am not a total Hallomeany. I am not the Halloween version of Scrooge. For example, when a little girl asked what I thought of her costume, I didn’t say, “You look more like a prostitot than a princess.” I said, “You look very nice!”
When the little boys come around dressed like monsters, I always shiver like I am scared. When they dress like superheroes, I ask if they can fly. And when they look like a cat, dog, or freakazoid satanic mutt from the pits of hell, I say, “Wow! Do you have fleas, too?”
So, even though I don’t really celebrate Halloween, I try to keep the kids on the bus from thinking I am a “legalist.” What do I do? I wear a wig. This time I wore an Afro.
One little girl told me she was Little Red Riding Hood. I told her I was Big Black Afro Hood.
But the funny thing about all of this is the reaction of the elementary kids. It really made me wonder what bus they have been riding the last three months.
The Kids: (at least 1,000 times) “Mr. Baker, is that your real hair?”
Me: “Yes. It is. I was bald yesterday, but I put fertilizer on my head and my hair grew overnight.”
The Kids: “No it’s not…I bet it is a wig…that’s not your hair…let me touch it…I bet it’s a wig.”
Me: Â “Of course it’s my real hair.”
The Kids: Â “Is that really your real hair? You’re wearing a wig…I just know it.”
Me: (I got upset with some children who wouldn’t stay in their seats, so I got serious and took off the wig.)
A Little Girl (that has ridden the bus for 3 months): “Aaaahhhh (gasping, then giggling as she whispers to another child), Mr. Baker’s BALD!
Me: Â “You THINK?! Where have you been? Did you not see me yesterday? Are you blind?”
After telling the above story a few times, it seemed God wanted to tell me something.
I kept thinking of a conversation Jesus has with Phillip in John 14:8-9. Phillip asked, “Show us the Father.” That’s when Jesus replied in the same way I did to the little girl, “Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me?”
That got me to wondering. How long have I known Jesus? And how many times do I act like I haven’t even been paying attention to His presence? How many times have I been surprised by an answered prayer? How many times have I doubted, only to find Him faithful?
“You’ve known Me how long?” Long enough to know better.
Filed under Christian Maturity, God, Humor, Life Lessons
This list first appeared back in May of this year, but I thought it was worth re-posting… sorta like “the best of The Recovering Legalist.” Bloggers unite 😉Â
If you are reading this – evidently you are – it is probably because you are on some form of social media, like Facebook or Twitter. it is also possible you received an email notification as a subscriber, or you were forwarded a message from a friend who said, “You’ve GOT to read this!”
On the other hand, you may be a blogger who was surfing recent posts from followed sites or “suggestions”form WordPress (or some other inferior blogging platform). Those of you in this group – the bloggers – will understand what I’m about to write; the rest need help.
The following list will be less of a shocker than an affirmation of what Christian (and some pagan) bloggers already believe about themselves or others within their “community.” Therefore, the following list is meant more for the casual Facebook reader, the neglected child with a school project due, and the wife or husband whose eyes roll more often than a bowling ball.
1. The ability to write is a gift from God; the ability to write well takes work. Every post, if it’s worth posting, should be well-written. A poorly-written post is a poor reflection on the message we have to share. Therefore, don’t get upset if we spend 3 hours crafting a 500-word work of art.
2. Blogging is a form of worship. I know, it may sound crazy, but blogging can be a very legitimate means of giving praise and honor to God. Christian bloggers regularly speak of the goodness of God, praise Him in the midst of struggles, and challenge others to trust Jesus. Christian bloggers LOVE to praise God through computer screens all over the world!
3. Â Christian bloggers are internet missionaries! You don’t have to travel the world to teach people with the Good News; you can do it from your kitchen! That’s right with a simple blog piece one person can instantly share relevant Truth in over 100 countries! Last time I counted, I’ve had readers in 126.
4. Â Everything is fodder for a blog post. That’s right, everything from one’s recent trip to the mall to one’s battle with cancer – it’s all worth writing about, especially to the one who sees God’s hand working everywhere.
5. Â Household chores will take care of themselves. Families of bloggers are usually the most stressed of housekeepers, but this need not be. Worse come to worse, dirty dishes, un-walked pets, and un-made meals can be used as writing topics (see point 4).
6. Â Blogging is reporting. All bloggers wish the world would give us more respect. I mean, seriously, we deserve Press credentials! If you write a well-written blog you should be allowed into all political events, meetings, and all concerts for free. As for me, I think every blogger is a potential food and restaurant critic – we should eat for free.
7. Â Christian bloggers don’t have selective hearing; we have selected focus. When I’m at the computer, don’t assume I hear anything you say. When I’m writing I’m in the “zone,” so voices outside the “zone” are muted. If you want my attention, offer food or show legitimate interest in what I’m writing. Â Otherwise, don’t assume I heard you tell me to pay that bill.
8. Â Donations are always welcome. Just because we Christian bloggers love doing what we do, that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t accept money. Money buys better computers, custom themes, and comfortable desk chairs.
9.  The Christian blogging “community” is a real thing with real people. Honestly, some of my best friends are bloggers I’ve met online. Several of us have met in person, prayed with each other, and shared in genuine Christian fellowship and worship. Bloggers love bloggers 🙂
10. Â Christian bloggers come in all virtual shapes and sizes. Not every Christian is alike, and neither are our blogs. We are all unique and bring our own perspectives to the discussion of life. Don’t read just one.
So, what are your thoughts? Any points you’d like to share with the universe?
Kicked out of the house and in need of wifi, the Christian blogger will do anything to maintain his habit: changing the world one post at a time.
Filed under blogging, Christian Unity, Christianity, Humor
This morning I received a sweet little notification from Facebook. It was little reminder of a video I made introducing the “Monday Monkey” segments to my blog.
Sometimes these Facebook notifications are fun. Other times they depress me. I don’t know how to interpret this one. 5 years? Has it really been that long? Then, on the other hand, 5 years ago seems like an eternity.
It’s amazing the flood of water that can run under a bridge in 5 years, isn’t?
The following week my daughters and I worked on putting together the very first “Monday Monkey” video. The purpose, as stated above, was twofold: 1) to insert a little fun into the mix; 2) to increase subscription numbers – to over 100. As best as I can tell, both goals were met…eventually.
In this first video you will see my middle daughter, Katie, playing the part of a teacher. Ironically, she is now a music education major (junior) at Bryan College in Dayton, TN.
It literally took us about 3 hours to film this little 1-minute video! Ahh, memories 😉
Filed under animals, blogging, Humor, Monday Monkey
I once saw a cat chase a chicken.
It chased it across a main road.
Through traffic they raced unhalted
Until they stumbled upon a dead toad.
Like half of a Sunday school song
It was flat and wide, not deep.
It hadn’t been dead for long,
And both of them started to weep.
“Oh cluck cluck cluck!” went the chicken.
“Meow so sad!” went the cat.
Then before their fruitless chase could continue,
A minivan flattened them flat.
The End
Filed under Humor, poetry, Uncategorized
Today I asked a high schooler if she had ever been homeless or had to beg on the street. With a cool tone she responded, “Uh, no.” I then said, “Then you’re missing out on some really good resume enhancers.”
For example, here are a few skills learned on the street, yet rarely appreciated:
1. Creative self-marketing.
2. Product placement.
3. Location research and acquisition.
4. Creative use of recyclables in advertising.
5. Ability to adapt to ever-changing socio-economic, legal, and geo-thermal climates.
See, just doing my job to help out kids on the bus, especially those with little or no vision.
Filed under Humor, Life Lessons, Uncategorized
Living in a house full of women has taught me one thing, if nothing else. It’s almost impossible to get in the last .
– Anthony Baker
Filed under Aliens, Humor, Marriage, Relationships and Family, Uncategorized, wisdom
The following is Part 2 of a 3-part series I wrote back in Sept. of 2013. I hope you’re enjoying it 😉
Yesterday, taking a sharp turn from the direction I usually go, I wrote a post dealing with how men flirt. Today I am going to write about how women flirt, or at least my thoughts on the subject. But before you run off thinking The Recovering Legalist is becoming Vanity Fair or The Huffington Post, let me reassure you: there is a point to my madness.
Yesterday was about men. Today will be about women (or at least my understanding and perceptions of the creatures). Tomorrow will be about… Well, you’ll just have to come back tomorrow to find out. Just stay with me on this, OK?
I scoured the web this morning looking for sources and I found several. However, unlike yesterday, I will give you the links at the bottom of the page, just so you’ll know I am not making this stuff up. Essentially there are a lot of websites and magazines with published articles dealing with “how to know if a woman is flirting.” But once again, several of the clues are deceptive.
Are you a nice person? Do you smile at people? Do you look people in the eye when you speak? Then you’d better watch out, somebody may think you are flirting!
The following are said to be clues that a woman is flirting, guys. So watch out, especially if she is one of those Proverbs 7 women (that’s not good).
She plays with her hair. Supposedly, if a woman fiddles with her hair – twirls it in her finger while talking or listening to you – she is flirting. Sinead O’Conner, therefore, will be hard to read, I suppose.What do I think? How do I believe a man can tell if a woman is flirting? From my experience, which is admittedly limited, I believe there are a few legitimate, full-proof signs. Let me share them with you, but in a more Jeff Foxworthy-ish style…
Well, my wife just asked me if I could tell when she was flirting, so I guess I will bring this post to a close. Just be careful, men.
The last thing you want to do is misinterpret a woman’s intentions.Â
Filed under current events, General Observations, Humor, Life Lessons, wisdom
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