by | November 14, 2013 · 8:41 am

Thou (Who?) Art Worthy

Every once in a while I come across an older post and think: “Anthony, that was some mighty fine write’n! You should re-post that.” So, that’s what I’m doing today. This was first published in 2011.

The Concert.

I have been playing music since my early years. Even before I could play an instrument, I would often sing with my mom and dad at different church services and revivals. So, especially with all the later experience of playing with 7 different groups over 25+ years, I should know a little about being on stage.

One of the things about playing music in front of a large audience is the adrenalin rush you get when everything goes just right, especially when the crowd responds with thunderous applause. Ask any musician or singer who has been there and done that…there’s nothing quite like it. Some have even compared it to a sensual experience that could be felt physically, almost like the effects of a drug.

Why is that? What would make a person feel so good at the reception of applause, screams of praise, worship? Worship? Yes, that’s what I said….worship. The reason it feels so good may be because it is too good; too good for us.

Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. – Revelation 4:11 KJV

Please don’t think that I am coming down on Christian music, or anything like that. The last thing I would want to do is rip groups like Building 429, Third Day, or Casting Crowns, for example. But on the other hand, even Christian groups (and preachers, conference speakers, pastors, evangelists, etc.) need to re-examine, every now and then, Who is worthy of all praise.

Consider the Guitar “Solo”

Recently, at a Christian college basket ball game, I witnessed something that almost made me sick. Even my little girl thought it was strangely inappropriate. For the rendering of the national anthem, a solo electric guitarist stepped out onto the center of the court. Evidently trying to emulate Jimmy Hendrix, the Christian-school rocker proceeded to pitifully destroy The Star-Spangled Banner. But it was the ending of this amateurish exhibition that made me nauseous and indignant.

At the part of the tune where the lyrics would read, “o’er the land of the free,” the little ham hammed it up by repeating that measure three times, at least, each time going up an octave on the fret board. The worst part was when he stopped, before the last progression, and motioned to the crowd with out-stretched, beckoning hands, pleading for a louder response from the fans. Who were we supposed to be applauding, the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice, or this wanna-be Hendrix?

Seriously think about this: when Christian musicians play on stage to adoring fans who have paid money to attend a well-publicized event, and the lead guitarist shreds four measures from the latest top 20 hit, who is receiving the praise? How can we do this appropriately in light of the above verse? Are we sharing in God’s glory, honor, praise? Maybe that’s why it feels “too” good.

A Suggestion

Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)

This is just a suggestion to all my friends on stage, whatever you do. Re-evaluate what you are doing. Make sure that your efforts to win the lost; to bring the congregation into a heart of worship; or to turn all eyes upon Jesus, do not make YOU the only object in their line of sight. This ain’t Wayne’s World, and we shouldn’t be Aerosmith.

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!” should be reserved for the ONE who IS.

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by | November 11, 2013 · 6:24 pm

The Would-be Veteran

Tennessee Volunteers

Please, just because I am from Tennessee, don’t mistake me for a big Vol fan. As a matter of fact, I am pretty much a non-fan, that is, I am not a real fan of any team. I’m just not a big sports guy.

Don’t be too shocked. It’s not that I dislike sports; it’s just that I have too little time to get into all the games and stats and money spent on dressing like an orange safety cone. However, when and if Tennessee ever again beats Alabama in football, you can bet I will be bouncing off the walls with unadulterated happiness.

But here’s the thing: I come from a long line of proud, patriotic, Tennessee volunteers – the kind that volunteer to serve.

We Tried

Many of my family served in the military, including one great uncle who was at Normandy in WWII. But for the last three generations on my father’s side, we were only volunteers, never veterans.

As I understand it, my grandfather, William D. Baker, volunteered at the beginning of World War 2, but was declared to be “4F” ( physically unfit for military duty). I don’t know what was wrong with him, but he was a tough man that looked like he could have whipped more than a few Nazi’s.

In the 1960’s, before the “Tet” offensive, my dad, Terry L. Baker, volunteered to go to Vietnam. Yes, before he could be drafted, he volunteered to fight. Yet, like his father, my dad was turned away from the army because he was “overweight.” Is that all? Really? My dad could bench 300 lbs., was the state heavyweight wrestling champion, competed in track and field, knew how to hunt, and was considered (along with his brother) two of the toughest, meanest boys on the river. He could have handled the Army, I’m sure.

Then, on January 17 of 1990, after two days of humiliating tests and physicals, I was turned down by the Army. Believe it or not, I volunteered for service, just like my dad and grandfather before me, but was turned away because it was believed I had glaucoma (an eye condition), which I never actually had.

Almost a Veteran

What I had no way of knowing was that exactly one year after I was turned away from the Army, one year after volunteering, Operation Desert Storm would begin. Had I been accepted, I could have been right in the middle of the conflict in Iraq. Knowing me, I probably would have been one of the few Americans killed.

tennesseeYes, I’m a true Tennessee volunteer, and that’s all I will ever be, unless America is ever invaded during my lifetime. So, I was almost a veteran, but not quite.

In the meantime, I will consider myself one those carrying on the legacy of the “Black Robed Brigade” of the American Revolution. I may never be called to take up arms against the enemies of freedom, but I can man the pulpit and let freedom ring!

God bless our veterans and the families that stayed behind waiting for their homecoming. Your sacrifices paid for the liberty we enjoy today.

May God remind us that freedom isn’t free.

 

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by | November 10, 2013 · 10:22 pm

Sunday Wind Down

The day is about over, and here I sit at the computer. I am tired, my feet hurt, my throat is sore, and I am brain-drained. On top of that, I am emotionally and spiritually spent.

It’s Sunday night, and I’m a pastor.

Others go to church, sometimes for both morning and evening services, but usually just for an hour a week.

I worked all week in a regular job, worked a few odd jobs, visited sick people in hospitals, answered late-night calls, prayed with the hurting, studied for three sermons and a Sunday school lesson, when I could squeeze in the time, and then put in more study on Saturday. Did I get a day of rest? Did I play golf? No.

I’ve been up since 5:30 a.m., it’s Sunday night, I’m tired, and I’m a bi-vocational pastor.

I did watch some TV (Duck Dynasty) with my family and four visitors who came over after church, had a late snack, and turned on the clothes dryer for my wife. So, it’s not like I haven’t done anything fun.

I’m about ready to go to bed in order to get up at 5:30 a.m. (again) in order to drive a school bus. I’m not complaining, however – at least I still have a job.

It’s Sunday night, I’m tired, and I’m a pastor.

Tomorrow, I will start my work week all over again. I will face the morning with hope and a joy unspeakable and full of glory. I’ll do my best, with the Lord’s help, but it will be Monday…(I hate Mondays).

So, if you see me tomorrow morning and I don’t offer you a “hallelujah,” give me a break. If I don’t look like Joel Osteen after a visit to a spa, cut me some slack. At least let me drink a cup or two of coffee before you start judging.

I’m a pastor, but I’m only human.

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by | November 5, 2013 · 6:03 pm

Kissing Deer and Talking Sharks

This morning, as the first elementary children entered my bus, one child said to another, “Granny said to sit down!” Evidently, Granny had been giving some instruction on the way to the bus stop.

Teaching wisdom, one child at a time.

Teaching wisdom, one child at a time.

As we started to pull away from the stop, I glanced back to my right and saw the youngest little girl standing, along with the grandmother scowling and pointing a finger from the sidewalk. “You shouldn’t be standing,” I said, “especially if your granny said not to.”

Then, after a 2-minute story of what this little kindergartner did for her birthday, I proceeded to share with the rest of the children and her what other things they shouldn’t do. Why did I do this? I don’t know, but it was certainly interesting to here their responses.

Things You Shouldn’t Do

  • Don’t eat worms with syrup. No matter what, they don’t taste like spaghetti.
    • “I did. They taste like chicken! And they’re slippery!”
  • Don’t ever kiss a deer on the lips.
    • One girl asked, “Why not?” Another answered, “Because it might want to go out on a date with you, and dear won’t fit in a car.”
    • “I saw a video where a guy made a dear mad because he took its picture.”
  • Never take a picture of a deer until you know it has makeup on and its hair done.
  • Never take a dear, or especially a moose, out to dinner on a date.
    • “Why not?” asked one girl. “Because a moose won’t fit into your car, for sure, and they won’t serve a moose at a restaurant!” said another. I said, “And a moose has no table manners and can’t use a fork,” to which a little girl replied, “that would be a mess.”
  • Never, ever, lick a cheese grater.
    • “Why not?”
  • If a bear comes up to you and asks, “Can I scratch your back?” say, “NO!”
    • “What if it wants to drive your car?”
  • If you are ever walking by the water, and a fish sticks it head out of the water to talk and says, “Hey, come over here,” don’t.
    • “Why?”
    • “Iffa shark eva stick it head outta da watah un say, ‘C’mere, I wanna tell you somp’n,‘ DON’T DO IT!”

Wisdom

Really, it is amazing how children can show practical wisdom, even when they have no experience. All some kids know is that if it ain’t natural, like a shark trying to start up a conversation, then run away.

However, as we grow older and “wiser,” the things that used to be so simple grow more complicated. We desire the forbidden pleasures Granny used to warn us about, along with every other experience a liberated mind can dream up. We date the moose and schedule tickle fests with grizzly bears.

But in a day when men and women pride themselves in experience and boast in the knowledge gained from sin, Wisdom cries out like the little old granny from the street, “Listen to me! I’m warning you!”

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,” declares the Psalmist (111:10). But fools, captivated by the unnatural, politically-correct, whatever-makes-me-happy talking shark, jump into the water.

Too bad real wisdom gets left on the bus.

Note: For 4 hours this post was up and running with a major misspelling – “dear” was supposed to be spelled “deer.” The only one to clue me in was my daughter, Katie. She cared. How sweet. The rest of you must have been sleeping at the computer.

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by | November 4, 2013 · 10:18 am

A Long Post About “Begotten” and Awkward Outbursts

I hate it when someone tells me that they are listening to me, but then do other things while I am talking. For example, when I talk to my wife, I prefer that she put down the phone, the dishes, the laundry, and quit sending emails and texts when I have something important to tell her (notice I used the word “and,” not “or” in the list of things she does). Call me selfish, but it is important to me that I know someone is listening when she says she is.

The reasoning for this preference of mine became embarrassingly evident last night at Taco Bell. My wife said she was listening to me, but only partly so. I will now share with you how I know this to be true.

The Subject

Yesterday (Sunday) morning I preached a sermon drawn from John 3:16. It was a powerful message stressing the grace of a loving God who would give His One and Only Son, Jesus, as a ransom for our souls. It was a message that also stressed, among other things, the uniqueness of Jesus Christ. Therefore, part of the sermon dealt the Greek word monogenēs (translated “only begotten”).

So, last night, after church and choir practice, my family and a friend went to Taco Bell for a late night gut bomb. As we sat there in the restaurant, my wife asked me to go back over some of the things I shared regarding the King James word “only begotten.” As I began to do so, I noticed she was only half-listening as she tried to maintain another conversation with our two daughters sitting with us.

I shared how that it was unfortunate for so many KJV-only-ers to come down harshly on other translations that change “only begotten Son” to “One and Only Son.” Many claim that the change is an attempt to pervert Scripture; to deny the divinity of Jesus. Yet, what many don’t understand is that the word “begotten” is not the best word that could be chosen to support the very biblical doctrine of the Trinity.

“Only-Begotten”

The King James Study Bible’s notes on John 3:16 explain monogenēs (translated “only begotten”) in the following way (note the highlighted parts):

The Greek word monogenēs is used by John to convey only the unique relationship between God the Father and Jesus as the Son of the Father. It serves to distinguish Christ as the only Son of God, in contrast with the many children of God. The uniqueness of this relationship is further emphasized by the fact that we become the children of God whereas Jesus always was the Son of God.[1]

Note, nothing is said about why the word “begotten” was used in the first place, nor what the  definition of monogenēs actually is. According to sources such as A Concise Greek-English Dictionary of the New Testament, the Louw-Nida Greek Lexicon, the Lexham Analytical Lexicon to the Septuagint, and the Greek Lexicon of the Septuagint, the word translated “only-begotten” actually means “unique,” “only,” and “the only member of a kin, only-begotten, only (of children) Jgs 11,34; id. (of God) Od 14,13; alone in its kind, one only.”[2]

So, even though “only-begotten” can be used to translate monogenēs, it is obvious that the actual theological meaning implied is that Jesus is the One and Only, totally unique, never created, always God, Son of God – the Word made flesh. Therefore, in my opinion, it is unnecessary for KJV-onlyists to condemn the translating of monogenēs into language that more accurately reflects the theology they are actually trying to preserve.

I find the following selection from Eardmans Bible Dictionary very interesting…

The KJV translation of Gk. monogenḗs “only, unique, one of a kind,” used (following Vulg. Lat. unigenitus) with reference to both Jesus Christ (John 1:14, 18; 3:16, 18; 1 John 4:9) and Issac (Heb. 11:17). Most other translations consistently read “only,” while the NIV translates “the one and only” with regard to Jesus. In English “only begotten” implies a created being, an implication not conveyed by the Greek term (cf. Luke 7:12; 8:42; 9:38).[3]

As I explained to my wife and a friend, there is nothing wrong with changing a word to better reflect the actual meaning, especially when the modern understanding of the word being used tends to give credence to an un-biblical, heretical theology!! Consider the following section (especially the bolded parts) from Baker Encyclopedia of the Bible…

The phrase “only-begotten” is not an accurate translation and should not be used in any of the nine passages. This phrase is derived from the Latin Vulgate (a translation of the Bible from about the 5th century which has been quite influential on other translations) and reflects certain theological debates about the person of Christ. …Ultimately the phrase “begotten not made” leads to what theologians call the doctrine of the eternal generation of the Son. …“Only-begotten” is an incorrect translation. The idea being stressed is the uniqueness of Jesus’ relation to the Father. [4]

The irony is that I am the one who will be slammed and denigrated as a liberal “operative of Satan” who wants to change the Truth of Scripture. In the meantime, I am doing nothing but trying to “take heed unto…thy doctrine” (1 Timothy 4:16).

The Punchline

So, sitting in Taco Bell, I talked with my friend about monogenēs, at one point breaking down the word into its two parts, “mono” and “genes.” Unfortunately, sometime in the conversation I made a slip and mixed my words, saying “homogenes” (as in homogeneous). When I looked at my wife and asked, “Are you even listening?” She loudly, where everyone in the whole stinking place could hear her…

“HOMO! I got it! I GOT the HOMO!”

Here’s a lesson: if Greek bores you, keep silent about it in public places.

[1] King James Version Study Bible ., electronic ed. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1997).

[2] Johan Lust, Erik Eynikel, and Katrin Hauspie, A Greek-English Lexicon of the Septuagint : Revised Edition (Deutsche Bibelgesellschaft: Stuttgart, 2003).

[3] Allen C. Myers, The Eerdmans Bible Dictionary (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1987), 782.

[4] Walter A. Elwell and Barry J. Beitzel, Baker Encyclopedia of the Bible (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1988), 1590.

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by | November 2, 2013 · 12:04 am

Legalism In Pink

Football

It’s called football, but it’s not soccer, which is football everywhere else. It’s a game in which boys and men (if you can distinguish the two), and now sometimes even females, put on helmets and plastic body armor in order to give coaches a job and colleges a way to make money.

Football is a game that is so associated with testosterone and adrenalin that even the girls who now play in the game are said to be growing beards. There is supposed to be nothing wimpy, wussy, or feminine about football.

However, due to the rise in popularity of promoting breast cancer awareness, the color pink has infiltrated the formerly masculine gridiron.

“Save the Ta Tas”

To be honest, I am sick of the sexualization of such a deadly disease. Each October the adds start appearing everywhere, seemingly promoting more breast awareness than cancer awareness. And even though I have family who have been hurt by this disease, I question the ultimate value of “ta tas” and “boobies” around every corner.

pink footballBut just when some thought football was one of the last bastions of male chauvinism and immune from feminization, along came the publicists and promoters of pink ribbons. Now, every October, football players of every age, from elementary school to the NFL, wear more pink than a newly birthed piglet.

Legalism on Display

Now, just in case you are getting angry with me, as if I want women to get breast cancer, just chill and listen to what I have to say. What really irritates me is not the attempt to raise breast cancer awareness; it’s the attitude shown to those who don’t want to wear pink.

Not long ago I had to drive a middle school football team to a game. As these tough, smelly, sweaty football players were preparing to load the bus I started asking them, “Why are you wearing pink socks?” The reply was typically, “I don’t know, they just gave us this stuff to wear.” Literally, none of these boys had a clue why they were wearing pink. All they knew was that they were supposed to wear pink because that’s what they were told to do, just like the professionals whom they idolize.

 Legalism: “Do what you’re told and you won’t get in trouble.” Legalism: “If you aren’t wearing pink, you must want women to get cancer.” Legalism: “I want the girls to like me, so I’ll wear these pink shoes and wrist bands.” Legalism: “I don’t know why I am wearing this, but if I don’t, people will get angry and look down on me.”

Grace: Playing the game without feeling you have to change the way you look in order to please someone else, then donating to breast cancer research because you want to.

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by | October 31, 2013 · 12:16 pm

Is There a “Hired Heretic” Union?

Happy Whatever!

Whether you are celebrating Halloween or Reformation Day, I hope your day is a happy one. I don’t wish anyone ill will, even if you’re dressed like a witch with a sugar craving, or sneaking around nailing lists to church doors. Just have fun and be safe, OK?

Bus Sitting

At this moment I am sitting on a school bus in Riceville, Tennessee. After my morning route I drove 60 kids from Battle Elementary to a farm. So, while the little munchkins are out finding pumpkins and petting goats, I’m trying not to freeze.

My only problem is that I forgot to bring a hat, a jacket, or any kind of food or drink. All I have is my iPhone, so that’s why I’m blogging. It will take my mind off my hunger.

Caustic Comment

A while back I wrote a post entitled “Was John R. Rice a Heretic?” In that piece I dealt with the issue of KJV-onlyism and the fact that Dr. Rice, founder of Sword of the Lord, was not a KJV-only subscriber. What came after were a slew of hateful comments from KJV-onlyists (preservationists).

Therefore, instead of complaining about being cold and hungry in a bus parked in a corn field, I wanted to share with you the latest and greatest comment I’ve received. I hope you will be encouraged and uplifted as you read the following words most assuredly written in love…

My beloved, nothing is ever going to change the truth that God has preserved his word in the English language only in the old king james 1611. Frankly speaking,If you don’t see the truth it is just because the god of this world has blinded you.
Your modern versions translate the word virgin to young woman,perverting the virgin birth of our saviour. Are you not ashamed of that,you hired heretic from the pit of hell?
You can say I’m harsh but the fires of hell will be more harsh on you because these modernists who pervert God’s word have hired a candidate of hell like you to speak good of them.
Who do you even think you are to copyright God’s word? CAN’T YOU SEE WHY GOD WILL THROW YOU INTO HELL AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOREVER?

Besides never knowing I owned a “copyright” on any version of the Bible, I am surprised to find out that I was hired by modernists to pervert the very doctrines I thought I believed. If the dark forces of liberalism paid this “candidate of hell” anything, it wasn’t negotiable at the bank. I’ve been cheated!

I guess that’s why I’m sitting, shivering, and starving on this bus as I try to earn a few extra dollars. Evidently, being an unknowingly hired heretic from the pit of hell doesn’t pay very well.

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by | October 29, 2013 · 11:09 pm

The Non-Boyfriend Boy Friend

Girls

Here I am, 46 years into my trip toward room temperature, and I am still having to deal with girls’ emotions. I have been coming to terms with not understanding women, or at least knowing when to stay away when they feel like expressing their intelligence. And nearly 20 years of marriage has conditioned me for another 20 years of “whatever’s” and “yes dears.” So why now, after I have paid my dues, must I once again deal with teenage girls?

My dating years were not the best of years. My self esteem was irreparably scarred by the time one of my first dates asked me to drop her off early…in a parking lot…alone. Girls were like a fire to which I was drawn, and I was the helpless bug continually getting squashed. Therefore, since I am convinced teenage girls are hosts to alien invaders, why must I be forced to give aid and comfort to the enemy of mankind?

If I had to guess, part of the curse of the Fall was having to raise teenage girls. You can’t live with them, and you can’t ______ (you fill in the blank – I’m not going to incriminate myself) their boyfriends.

Boyfriends

I was once a boyfriend, and I hated myself for it. That is why I think it is my responsibility to guide other young men away from my daughters. Being a boyfriend is the last thing they should want to be. Staying away is best thing they can do.

However, what I find troubling is the attempt my daughter is making to fool me. She insists that her friend, a boy, is not a boyfriend. Yet, whenever a letter comes in the mail (in between the 42,584 texts), she grins and squeals as she reads it over and over. She invites him over to bake for him on his birthday and have pictures made together with their cheeks touching each other’s goofy faces. Believe, where there is chocolate, followed by physical contact of any kind, I am not fooled.

Between the Lines

So, tonight I made a comment that got Katie asking me all kinds of questions. In casual conversation, my so-far-alien-free daughter, Haley, asked, “When Katie and ____ (insert name or expletive, doesn’t matter) get married…” Excuse me?

That’s when I interrupted with, “She is not gonna marry _____.”

My single, unmarried, unspoken-for, and alien-inhabited daughter, Katie.

My single, unmarried, unspoken-for, and alien-inhabited daughter, Katie.

Later, when I was sitting at the computer, Katie came to kiss me goodnight and asked, “Why did you say I couldn’t marry ______ (insert name of endangered species)?”

Correct me if I am wrong, but was I not told that the non-boyfriend was just a friend? Then why would my statement about who she’s not going to marry be an issue? If my dad had told me I wasn’t going to marry my friend Kevin, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings one bit. So what’s the deal with endangered boy and daydreamer?

If she marries he-who-walks-on-thin-ice, then I’ll be forced to like him. Until then, what’s wrong with simply protecting a non-boyfriend from a danger he can’t understand? Who knows? If I spare him from being abducted by an alien, I might be the best friend the non-boyfriend boy friend could ever have.

He will thank me, later.

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by | October 28, 2013 · 11:25 pm

Trying to Understand the Undead

Halloween

I hate Halloween. But if you are a big fan, one who looks forward to the glorification of death, evil, and the grotesque, then ghoul for you. My minimal desire for bags of candy and apples bobbed for in spit-filled water is not enough to make me dress up like a satanic mass murderer, which is what most costumes seem to portray.

Actually, this time of year gets on my nerves, and one of the biggest reasons is the proliferation of horror movies. Horror movies don’t scare me that much; they tick me off! They are always full of idiots walking into the dark asking, “Buffy, is that you?” And what’s worse, so many of today’s horror flicks involve ghostly, demonic hauntings by creepy dead kids. HINT: if a soaking-wet dead girl crawls out of a well and starts climbing through your TV, change the channel (preferably to a Christian station).

On a side note, has it ever occurred to anyone that all the demonic activity pictured in horror movies is nothing more than an attempt to convince us that the spiritual realm is real?

Really, I hate Halloween. I find no pleasure celebrating the very Enemy taking my friends and loved ones to hell.

The Undead

But what I really don’t get is the “undead”…zombies…Michael Jackson’s dance partners. Can somebody help me understand the logic behind the capabilities and actions of walking corpses?

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbury Park NJ, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There has been so much talk about zombies, lately. There have been a lot of movies and television programs devoted to grossing us out with their nastiness and appetite for human flesh. What’s the deal? Is it just an attempt to shift our attention away from the spiritual to the natural or animalistic? Who knows?

All I know is that the walking dead make no sense. Consider the following:

  1. Health. Why is it that when I have the flu I feel as good as dead, yet when a zombie is dead he feels more alive than me? If I break a bone I can’t function, but a zombie can have all his bones broken and break into an armored car! Have you seen what people die from? Why is it they have more energy once they’ve rotted away than when they were still exfoliating?
  2. Appetite. Why is it that the walking dead never seem to recognize that their fellow walkers are also human, and edible? And why are humans the only meat worth eating? Why don’t the walking dead break into grocery stores, butcher shops, and kennels? Seriously, don’t the dead understand that there is far more meat and brains in a cow?! Why eat the farmer???
  3. Blood. I’ve had too much experience in funeral homes to buy the idea that zombies coming out of graves have bright, red, flowing blood. How many walking dead have you seen dripping embalming fluid? Hmmm?
  4. Speed. Why can’t healthy people, including clumsy women in high heels, outrun people with muscles falling off the bone? Bones don’t work alone to cause movement; limbs need muscles to function. Even if one tripped over every blade of grass in an attempt to flee a rotting granny, how fast could granny be?
  5. Practicalities. If old people become zombies, do they have to keep their false teeth in order to chew their neighbor? Also, what is the life expectancy of something that is already dead? Oh, and when a zombie eats a human, where does the meat go? Do zombies poop?

The Real Undead

To be very honest, I am more afraid of my own stinking flesh than some dancer from Thriller.

“O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” (Romans 7:24)

I must crucify it on a daily basis and live in the life of Jesus Christ (Romans 13:14). For if I live in the power of my own zombie-like self, I will die: but if through the Spirit I put to death the deeds of this stinking body, I shall live (Romans 8:13).

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by | October 23, 2013 · 3:44 pm

Embarrassing Local News

The News

What is it about being on “the news?” We go home and grab the wife and kids and say, “Honey! I was standing by a horrible car crash when the T.V. station pointed a camera at me! I’m gonna be on the NEWS!”

I have been written about in the news paper several times for different reasons (none crime-related). I have even been seen on local television news defending prayer at football games and chastising the city council for misappropriating tax dollars. But even if all I was doing was standing in line to buy fuel, it’s still fun to be spoken of in “the news.”

But sometimes being in the news is just plain embarrassing.

Dateline: Soddy-Daisy

Some places have a reputation for rearing bright, intelligent, first-class thinkers and leaders, like scholars, inventors, CEO’s, and U.S. Presidents (ok, we can discuss that last one later). But Soddy-Daisy needs to be careful of who they allow in the news, or before long they will have a reputation of bringing up idiots and fool-headed morons.

Soddy-Daisy, please don’t get angry with me! I lived there for years, as my mother and grandmother still do. I have lots of friends in Soddy-Daisy and consider it a great place to live. But seriously, you need to be careful about what kind of news stories you allow to get out. The one about the guy falling from the tree is now going global (thanks to me, ha!).

So, here’s the story….late last night (Tuesday, Aug. 22) a man was rescued from the woods after falling 70 feet from a tree. He suffered several fractures, but was lucky to be found alive after spending several hours calling for help.

(Puma concolor) aka: Mountain Lion, Puma

(Puma concolor) aka: Mountain Lion, Puma (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But here’s the REST of the story….he climbed the tree because he was chasing a mountain lion!

Just a few observations, then I’m done…

  1. Don’t go into the woods (forest) without a shock-resistant cell phone. They make calling for help much more effective.
  2. Mountain lions are not cuddly kittens. You don’t want to catch one in the wild.
  3. If you feel the need to chase a mountain lion in the woods, seek psychological help immediately. I mean, seriously, what did it do, steal your wallet?
  4. If a mountain lion decides to run from you and not towards you, one of two things should be done: a) you should stop, drop, and pray to God, giving thanks that your life was spared; or b) take a bath.
  5. If for some reason you desire to chase a fleeing mountain lion up a tree, remember gravity is not your friend. Therefore, while in the tree you will be fighting two enemies: a big cat with knives for fingernails and the laws of nature.
  6. If you fall out of a tree after chasing a mountain lion up the tree, don’t tell anyone, especially the news! Otherwise, you will be considered the biggest moron on the face of the planet, thereby further contributing to the bad press banjo-dueling rednecks already get.
  7. The mountain lion should have killed you, you big dummy!
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