Category Archives: Humor

by | April 7, 2020 · 5:09 pm

Messin’ Wid Widdle Minds

I wrote this back in 2016 before I actually became a grandfather. Emma Louise and I haven’t had any real conversations, as of yet. But when we do… mmwwaahahahaa!

Would-be Grandpa

I’m not a grandfather, but I act like one. You know, the kind of old guy that says what he want to say when he wants to say it, then blames others for not understanding his wisdom? That’s me. I’m an up-and-coming codger.

DSC_1390Grandfathers are also notorious/famous for telling tall tales, embellishing the facts, and leaving grandkids confused about actual historical events. Of course, the point of those stories is to keep a kid’s attention for more than 30 seconds; the straight truth can be boring at times.

So, even though I’m not literally a grandpa, I play one on the school bus. It keeps me entertained.

The Conversation

Many times on Facebook I share short little conversations I’ve had with children on the bus (they say the darnedest things, you know). However, today I’m skipping Facebook and going straight to the blog.

I’m sure all of you are gonna hate me after you read this.

Me: Good morning.

5th Grade Boy: Good morning.

Me: How are you feeling today? You holding up?

Boy: What? Yeah, I’m ok. Why?

Me: I mean, it must be pretty hard; I heard the bad news.

Boy: What bad news?

Me: About your goldfish dying.

Boy: What? I don’t have a fish. At least not anymore. I haven’t had a fish in a long time.

Me: So it died.

Boy: I don’t know. I guess.

Me: Well I’m proud of you for taking it so well.

Boy: Uh, OK.

Me: And I heard about your cat, too. That was horrible.

Boy: Huh? What about my cat? Nothing happened to the cat.

Me: Well, I heard it died in a horrible freak lawnmower accident. I know that must be hard on you.

Boy: What? My cat didn’t die in a lawnmower accident! He just ran away.

Me: OK. If that’s what they tell you. You believe that.

         (temporary silence)

Boy: Guess what!? (says the boy to another kid in a seat beside him) I had a cat die in a freak lawnmower accident! Cool, huh??

I pity my grandchildren [actually, my granddaughter], don’t you?

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by | March 31, 2020 · 9:57 am

7 Reasons to Choose a Bald Pastor

Looking for Leadership?

Has your church congregation been looking for a pastor? If so, you’re not alone; many churches, large and small, are in a crisis of leadership these days.

And now that congregations of every size, because of COVID-19, are prohibited to meet, it’s got to be even more difficult for churches without pastors to find one. After all, would you really want to watch his trial sermon on Facebook Live?

Nevertheless, when Cyrus the Virus finally lets God’s people return to their respective temples, be aware that there is a quick way you can start narrowing down the resumes: Make sure the man is bald.

Below is a list of seven (7) reasons bald men make better pastors.

WARNING: The following list works best with complementarian congregations. Bald egalitarian pastors tend to imitate Brittany Spears or Sinéad O’Connor, which can contribute to reduced membership and fewer riders on the float in the Gay Pride parade.

7 Reasons Why Bald Pastors Are Better

  1. A bald pastor never has to go to a barber or hair salon. Why is this a good thing? He can save anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars a year, thereby reducing the need to pay a higher salary. Also, a manly pastor should never set foot inside a hair salon.
  2. Bald pastors are more hygienic.  “And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he [is] bald; [yet is] he clean.” – Leviticus 13:40
  3. Bald is a sign of leadership. As it has been said before, “The reason some men are bald is that they have their heads out the window driving this planet.” Bald pastors aren’t afraid to lead through the storms of life…unless they wear a wig.
  4. Bald pastors have more brains. Seminary is helpful, but pastors without hair have already demonstrated that their brains have left no room for follicles.
  5. Bald pastors never get into disagreements with dissenters. Just think, no church fights; no church splits; no angry deacons or pushy purse-string holders! No, God just sends bears down from the woods…problems solved. And you get a circus-like act for free (2 Kings 2:23-24)!
  6. Bald is beautiful! Isaiah 52:7 declares, “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings…” And since God only shows off the more perfect of His cranial creations, why not hire the complete beauty package? Beautiful from head to toe!
  7. Church buildings remain safe. Just think, having a bald pastor means never having to worry about his righteous indignation turning into a Samson-like catastrophe (which, of course, could drastically reduce insurance costs).

Quarantines and the culture of social distancing can take their toll, so…

Be thankful for your bald pastor, but even MORE if he has a sense of humor! 

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by | March 17, 2020 · 12:59 pm

Apply the “Reagan Doctrine” To Your Wife, Also

Reagan’s Wisdom

Many of you may not have been alive when Ronald Reagan was President of the United States. I’m sad for you. He was a great leader and a great man.

Image result for ronald reagan trust but verify imagesWhen dealing with the Soviets, he wanted peace, but he also knew they being honest and transparent wasn’t a Russian characteristic. Therefore, when people wondered how we would be able to take the communists at their word when they said they would reduce their nuclear warheads, President Reagan wisely advised, “Trust, but verify.”

In others words, instead of telling the Russians we didn’t trust them (which is bad for relationships), Reagan essentially said, “Oh, I trust you! But things happen, so… Can you show us those pictures one more time?”

Verifying Valerie

So, as I was standing in the shower this morning, my dear wife, Valerie, peaked through the curtain and looked at my face with pity. She had just read the article that debunked the claim that the CDC said men should shave their beards during this COVID-19 crisis.

With the look of a sad puppy, Valerie tried to encourage me, I guess: “Maybe you should have checked the sources before listening to Facebook, huh?”

Standing there with shower water dripping off my naked face, I replied, “YOU were the one who told me the CDC had recommended it! NOT Facebook.”

“Wellllllll,” said Valerie, slowly enough to give her time to formulate a response. “Maybe you start verifying your wife’s sources before you go and do something like this.”

It’s always the man’s fault, isn’t it?

Video Documentation

OK, so my thought was that if it had to be done, why not have fun doing it? Therefore, I took my iPhone into the bathroom and documented the process of shaving off what made me look smarter than I am.

After you watch it, tell me what you think of my impressions!

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by | March 4, 2020 · 12:54 pm

Tips for Beautiful Feet

My Bare Feet

Alicia, our oldest daughter, commented on Facebook to a lady in our church, “That’s a confident man posting pictures of his feet!!!!” And she’s correct.

There are other aspects of my body image of which I’m not too proud. For example, before I cringed at the weight blinking at me on my new scale, I had to lean over the energy reserve I’ve accumulated over many years.

But when it comes to my feet, even my lovely wife and daughters are jealous. I’m not even joking. They have to worry about callouses, the hair on their toes, missing toenails (due to a tractor accident), and whether or not the color of the polish matches their shoes.

My feet are just beautiful (handsome) the way they are. I don’t even need to keep them moisturized; they’re naturally baby-soft.

Beauty Tips

But if you are the type that needs special help to keep your feet looking beautiful, here are four simple beauty tips that will keep the podiatrist away:

  1. Soak them periodically. Not too long, or they will end up dry and cracked.
  2. Exfoliate once a week. Remove dead skin cells with abrasives.
  3. Wear proper shoes. Improper shoes contribute to body aches and sore feet.
  4. Don’t walk in the dark without a flashlight. A badly-stumped toe can not only ruin your day but lead to life-long issues.

Some people aren’t blessed with naturally healthy, attractive, baby-soft feet, so it’s important to take the necessary steps to achieve beautiful results.

Preaching Feet

Some of you could care less about your feet. You probably don’t even care if they stink, have nails poking through your socks, or leave painful abrasions on your spouse in the middle of the night.

But what about preachers? Are you a preacher? If you are a Christian, and if you are one that cares about telling others about Jesus, then yes, you are! What does Scripture say about your feet?

“… as it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!” – Romans 10:15b

If you are preaching the gospel, sharing your faith with the lost, your feet are already beautiful! “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings . . . that sayeth unto Zion, ‘Thy God reigneth!'” (Isaiah 52:7).

However, when you walk around a lot, especially in this world, your feet will need some attention in order to stay beautiful. Here are four simple beauty tips that will keep you in tippytoe-top shape for tiding telling.

  1. Soak them periodically.
    [When thou saidst], Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. – Psa. 27:8
    My heart heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.” – NLT
  2. Exfoliate once a week.
    Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. – Psa. 57:1
  3. Wear the proper shoes.
    And [have] your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; – Eph. 6:15
  4. Don’t walk in the dark without a light.
    Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. – Psa. 119:105

Image may contain: 1 person, possible text that says 'I toed you so.'Just remember, lots of people are counting on you being able to get around. Those longing for the Good News will think even the most unattractive feet are beautiful when you “bring glad tidings of good things.”

But if you don’t take advantage of the above beauty tips, not only will you feel self-conscious and shy, but your mistreated, crusty, aching, bruised feet will keep you at home when you should “go tell it on the mountain.”

Don’t be pedi-ful. Be beautiful!

Note: Middle-aged foot model looking for work. Goes by the professional name of Arch Healy.

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by | February 10, 2020 · 3:35 pm

Having Fun With George

I posted the following video on YouTube and Facebook, but I just had to share it with you guys.

George is my little buddy 🙂

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by | January 20, 2020 · 8:52 am

Whadaya Do When Your Monkey Has the Hiccups? (and other song suggestions)

Have you ever had a song that you couldn’t get out of your head? Sometimes they’re so bad you’d think Myley Cyrus had written them just to give you bad dreams.

Then there are those strange, twisted, dementedly sick videos from Billie Eilish. Good grief! I don’t advise watching them, not unless you want to stain your brain.

What’s a person supposed to do when they listen to or watch something perverted or sick that determines to repeat over and over in your mind? How do you get rid of it?

The first thing you can do – and this is the most preferred option – is listen to some good Christian music that uplifts the name of Jesus as it lifts you out of the mire of Myley’s musings. I recommend the following (with links provided):

OR, if you’re really desperate, you can watch this video and listen to this song I wrote and recorded. Listen to it a couple of times, then sing along. It will drown out any memory of the typical soul-polluting garbage on the radio.

If you keep repeating it in your head, over and over, it might even drown out the “Baby Shark” nightmares.

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by | January 10, 2020 · 10:00 am

Hello, Canada! Eh? (updated)

This morning I want to send a shout out to all my Canadian friends. Hey guys! 

When I go to the stats page, I find more visits from you polite Canadians than any other country besides the States!

That’s awesome, eh?

As a matter of fact, Pastor Chris Jordan (a Canadian) helped a great deal in writing our commentary posts on Proverbial Thought. 

So, you friendly maple leafs (leaves?), why not leave a comment and tell us what God is doing in the Great White North? Is there still a French problem?

https://youtu.be/3Qd3Hvs76MU

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time… “No point in steering now.” LOL!

Thanks for your syrup, your kindness, and for reading my blog!

Seriously, God bless you!

(and the Doug and Bob vids were in love, not meant to offend)

I want to express my sincerest condolences to the people of Canada, along with an apology. When I first published this post, I was not aware of the Canadian connection to the downed airliner in Iran (I do not have live TV).  Had I known that in advance, I would not have published the silly stereotype videos, but would have kept things more serious. 

Again, my apologies for not knowing sooner, and my condolences to the families and your nation.

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by | January 9, 2020 · 5:42 pm

Observations from a Middle-Georgia Pastorate: Church History and #50

The History Room

Does your young, newborn of a 20th century church have a history room? Probably not.

The last church I pastored was considered “historic,” but is was only founded in 1946, not even the 1800’s. It didn’t have a “history” room, only a file cabinet.

But this church (Bethlehem Baptist) was founded in 1791! Therefore, it has a “history room” where old church records are stored. And let me tell you, reading the minutes from a church business meeting held 230 years ago is a trip!

How Times Change!

One of the things that rarely gets discussed in modern churches is church discipline. I mean, it’s very rare that a church member gets called to the carpet for sinful behavior these days, much less barred from fellowship or excommunicated. Yet, spend some time in the history room here at BBC and you will find out that things were a LOT different 200 years ago.

I hereby submit, for your edification and entertainment, selected readings from the minutes of Bethlehem Baptist Church.

  • Jan. 1, 1791:  “Excommunicated Robert.” That’s it. Nothing else was recorded!
  • May 20, 1791:  “Restored James Spratley to full fellowship.” Well, at least something positive happened.
  • June 6, 1792:  “Church met in conference . . . Stephen Renfroe is brought on trial & gains fellowship. ‘The church still seems divided concerning a pastor & 12 of the members rise & declare themselves grieved with the calling of Benjamin Thompson as pastor. Confusion & death is like to take place.‘” Ummm, that doesn’t sound good!
  • Sept. 28, 1792: “Ch. met in conf. Nothing of note came before us. Love seems to abound.” Let’s hope so!
  • April 27, 1793: “[Bethlehem Baptist Church] met in conference. No business presented. Br. Baker, his wife, & negro join us by letter. (Br. Baker later becomes Pastor) Nothing unfinished. Love abounds.” It’s about time, don’t you think?
  • March 14, 1794: “David Wilborn is censured by Sister Taylor for injustice in measuring corn.” Where did the love go?
  • June 14, 1804: “Took under consideration the conduct of James Blunt & it being made plain… Alexander Smith confessed to drinking too much. Sister Little complained that Br. James Taylor had run off a part of her land. Neal, Walker, & Edmund May (Mayo?) to reconcile matter.”
  • March 18, 1815: (One month after the War of 1812) “Friday before the 3rd Sunday in April set apart as a day of thanksgiving to God for the aversion of impending danger & the return of his mercy towards us as a nation in delivering us from Wars & bloodshed & restoring peace in our country.”
  • Jan. 15, 1820: “Br. Manning & Barber to cite Jeff & wife (colored) to attend next conference to answer for some charges alleged against him viz: dishonesty & preaching without leave of the Church. Sister Molly a woman of color, dismissed by letter. She formerly belonged to David McCard.” Seems a “negro” had been preaching without permission. He justified himself by saying he’d never been told not to. Then, two months later, the church met and decided, “As to Jeff’s preaching, the ch. thinks proper for him to lay down the practice of taking texts to advance doctrine from, but recommended him to use the gift in public of singing, prayer & exhortation.” Ah, yes! Those colored people sure knew how to sing, didn’t they?

Like I said, things sure have changed in the last 200+ years, haven’t they?

And then there was #50!

So, with all this history, my curiosity got the best of me: I wanted to know where I fell in the lineage of pastors. How many had there been, and what number was I? When I figured it out, there had been 49 men who served a total of 56 tenures here at Bethlehem (a few had been asked to serve a second or third time).

That made me the 50th man to be pastor! Or as one deacon called my last night, the “golden boy.”

Portraits of pastors (mine isn’t up, yet). But this is only 20. 30 more are missing.

Yep, I’m the 50th pastor serving in the 57th tenure … and the second Baker. But THIS “Br. Baker” ain’t got no slaves!

“Love abounds.” For real.

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by | December 12, 2019 · 6:00 am

Christmas Canine Cuteness

I had already purchased Christmas cards when the idea was suggested that we make cards with photos of George and me.

It wasn’t a bad idea, necessarily, but I do have a wife, so wouldn’t it be a good idea to include her, too?

So, since I already had the cards (sorta), and since my wife has been out of town and unable to have her picture made with me, I decided to take pictures of George and make copies to insert inside the Christmas cards I’m mailing out.

George is like a wind-up toy that never winds down. Yet, when I put him up on the table and wrapped him in electric Christmas lights, he sat there perfectly calm and still. I was shocked … see what I did there 😉

Anyway, here are a few photos I took with my iPhone, including one with me in the jacket I wore last Sunday night for our Christmas concert. Don’t envy me; that’s a sin.

A perfect little gentleman 🙂

Someone has a little attitude.

He’s either singing “Oh, Howly Night,” laughing at my attempts to make him smile, or screaming, “I don’t want to be a media hound!”

Buddies 🙂

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by | December 6, 2019 · 6:00 am

Things NOT to Hang On Your Christmas Tree

The Old Lights

For those of us who were born after the advent (see what I did there?) of electricity, the most dangerous Christmas tree lighting we experienced were the glass light bulbs that tended to heat up too much. Long before there were those tiny cool-to-the-touch diodes, we had colored spot lights that broke into tiny shards of foot-stabbing cheer!

These are actually for sale!

Man, I miss those lights! The best one can do nowadays is find plastic reproductions that look like the old bulbs. However, you could take an extra risk of burning down your house by plugging in some vintage ones you buy online.

When we were told to unplug the lights before going to bed, it wasn’t just the energy we were trying to conserve.

The Older Lights

Source: Huffpost.com

But before there were electric lights of any kind, our forefathers and foremothers evidently had the ability to hang flaming wax sticks on combustible evergreens and not die as a result. Of course, these were the same people who survived lead-painted toys and smoked Marlboro Lights for “better health.”

Yes, believe it or not, people really did put candles on Christmas trees, even up until the 1940’s! And what’s even more shocking to me is that there are actually people who still do! Literally, according to some, candle-lit Christmas trees are on the comeback!

If you don’t believe me, here’s a link you can follow to buy your own Christmas tree-burning ornaments.

By the way, has anyone noticed an uptick in house fires, lately?

The What Not’s

I don’t know about you, but it would seem to me that there are some things one should never place on a Christmas tree; the old incandescent bulbs and even older, match-lit torches are only two of them.

But as family conversation would have it, the subject of Christmas trees came up over lunch the other day. Sitting with my wife and my mother, between sips of eggnog and nibbles of Christmas cookies and sugar plums, we determined what things should NOT be put on a Christmas tree – besides candles.

  • Tinsel. I don’t know why one is not supposed to put tinsel on a Christmas tree, other than because cats love to eat it. But what’s wrong with that? All it does is make their litter more festive, right?
  • Mini Christmas trees. I mean, why? After all, it’s it enough that you have the real thing in your house? Why put little imitations on it? Isn’t that redundant? A little overkill?
  • Old ornaments with your ex’s picture on them. That’s just asking for trouble. Fires are started by people, too, you know.
  • Cheese. Ever heard the story about it being quiet in the house, right before Santa arrives? Remember how not a creature was stirring, “not even a mouse.” Well, put cheese on your tree and all mistletoe could break loose!
  • Mousetraps. Let’s just say your really do want to put cheese on your Christmas tree, you know, to go with the string of popcorn. In an effort to keep the mice from steeling your cheddar-flavored ornaments, you might think it’s a good idea to hand a few well-placed mousetraps. But seriously, what will the children think when dead vermin are found bleeding all over their presents come Christmas morning? Not good.
  • Knives. (I thought of this one) My mother literally asked me after I made the suggestion, “Why would anyone put knives on a Christmas tree?” I answered, “Why would anyone hang a lit candle on a piece of kindling right in the middle of the living room?” “Good point,” she replied. But even though knives are shiny, reflect light, and, depending on the color of the handle, can blend in nicely with the decorations – don’t shake the tree when reaching under it for a present. You might end up needing the ribbon for a tourniquet.
  • White-corded lights on a green tree (or visa versa). This was my wife’s suggestion of what NOT to put on a Christmas tree, but then I reminded her that such a suggestion might get her into trouble. Why? Because what if the boxes in which the wires came were mislabeled? What if the white strand of lights self-identified as a green strand of lights? Who needs a law suit on Christmas Eve? Just wrap them around the tree and let them twinkle.

So, in a chestnut shell, try to avoid anything that might cause bad memories, set your house on fire, harm pets, or offend trans-colored wiring, and your Christmas tree will bring you hours of entertainment and joy – until you have to take it down.

Do you think the real reason there may have been “no room in the inn” was because Joseph mentioned something about putting up a birthday tree?

I hope you laughed. “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine…” (Proverbs 17:22a). 

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