May 25, 2012

Just to be Doing It

Sometimes one must write something just to be doing it. That is what I am doing right now.

It has been a few days since I posted on The Recovering Legalist, but it is not because I have not been working. As a matter of fact, I struggled three days straight with posts for my other blog, Proverbial Thought. On top of that, I have been doing a lot of reading and writing in my seminary classes (yes, I am going to school in the summer). So, I have been busy.

But this blog is my baby. It feels like I have abandoned my offspring when I don’t post an article at least once a week. Is that obsessive? Maybe. On the other hand, I have children, and this baby never has a dirty diaper. No wonder I’m so attached.

And it’s MY baby! Unlike our walking, whining, room-messing progeny, this baby is the product of my labor. My wife had nothing to do with it. As a matter of fact, I had to simultaneously take pictures and video during the birth of our girls. What does my wife do with this blog? NOTHING. And it looks nothing like her, either.

There are things I want to write about. For instance, I have been wanting to address the “Mitt Romney at Liberty University” thing (I was against it for religious reasons). I want to share some thoughts about the up-coming election (and make my liberal friends angry).

However, there are some things, now that I think about it, that I will probably NEVER write about. Here are some examples:

  1. Calvinism vs. Arminianism (or Agrarianism, as spell-check wants me to say). I am staunchly neither. Don’t try to convert me. You’re both wrong, and you’re both right, so there.
  2. The science behind why cats, no matter where you are in the world, will come to you if you say, “Kitty kitty!” Yet, badgers won’t come to you, no matter what you say.
  3. Computers.
  4. Dating. Except when I am addressing the unlikely possibility of my daughters going out with guys who don’t own a belt.
  5. Justin Bieber.
  6. Bowel Movements (why are seniors so obsessed with this topic?)
  7. Dr. Oz.
  8. Sopapilla recipes.
  9. Dog grooming.
  10. Why good food tastes bad and bad food tastes good, yet “big is beautiful,” but I feel fat.

But I’m always glad to talk about Jesus. How ’bout you?

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May 21, 2012

Summer Reruns

Summer’s Here

Yes, according to our school calender, summer is here, and so are all the network television reruns.

For some reason, and I don’t know why, actors and other Hollywood folk have never been able to work year-round. They always take the summer months off, then start a “new season” in the fall. Why? Are we all enrolled in the same educational program? Yes. It’s called the College of Brainwashing, Indoctrination, and Cultural Manipulation (CBICM).

Sicker Stuff Coming

And speaking of cultural manipulation, have you heard about a new show that MTV tried to start, but cancelled? It was to be called “Losing It.” Literally, the folks at CBICM planned to start a new “course” in the fall that would document 18+ year-olds losing their virginity! Last year, FOX’s “Glee” celebrated straight and gay teen couples’ “First Time,” so I guess MTV had to test the depths of the gutter…

“Do you want to take things to the next level? Like, are you ready to hand over your V card? Or do you have a friend who is ready to lose it? Young adulthood is a time for exploration. New relationships, fresh experiences and sexual firsts,” read the casting notice. “Now MTV is looking to frankly capture that journey in a new series called My First. We’re looking for adults who are ready to go all the way. Let MTV come along on your journey… as you try to lose your virginity!”

Remember Twin Beds?

Do you remember when Lucy and Ricky slept in separate beds? Do you remember when no one cursed on screen? Do you remember when cartoons were full of simple violence (Bugs Bunny), instead of New Age mysticism and earth worship?

Sadly, most anything still decent to watch is old stuff in reruns (if they’re being shown at all). Every once in a while one can stumble upon an episode of The Andy Griffith Show, but now most reruns are just as bad as the new stuff. Now, instead of seeing a happy couple in separate beds, we are shown multiple couples in the same bed.

A Safe Rerun

Well, not all summer reruns have to be sick or disturbing. Some can be funny without being dirty; exciting without being violent. Some reruns even feature a monkey.

Since some of you are new to The Recovering Legalist, you may have missed early episodes of Monday Monkey. So, I hope you enjoy a couple of my favorites while the production team revamps and renews. In a few weeks Monday Monkey will be back with some new episodes worthy of the wait.

“Monkey at the Wheel” (Episode 2)

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May 17, 2012

Interim Post

Stand In

You know what an “interim” is, don’t you? He is the “stand in guy” that fills the gap between somebody who’s been fired, and somebody a group of people actually want. It’s a very under-appreciated position.

Well, this is an interim post. It is a post meant to keep my readership amused and engaged while I frantically think of something more important; something worth reading; something you want.

Next Post

The next post I am going to submit is going to be a little diddy about a school named Liberty University and a Mormon named Romney. I wanted to write something the day Mitt Romney spoke at Liberty’s commencement, but I held off. I’m glad I did.

The Meantime

I the meantime, I have a question. What do you think of the look of The Recovering Legalist? Do you think it needs any changes? Should it stay the same? I am beginning to wonder.

If you are a blogger on WordPress, maybe you could suggest a new theme. Or, maybe you could suggest how to tweak this one. Either way, let me know your thoughts. I want my blog to be inviting and easy to read.

One more thing…

Do you have any suggestions for Monday Monkey? We are coming up on our 25th episode pretty soon. I still have some ideas up my sleeve, but suggestions would be welcome.

I tell you what, if I use your suggestion for an upcoming episode, I’ll send you an autographed picture (made on my laser printer, but signed with a genuine Sharpie)!

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May 16, 2012

You’re Never Too Old

For New Tricks?

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Why is that? Does a dog’s brain quit working when he quits chasing squirrels? Our last dog was 18 years old when he died. I bet when he was fifteen he could have still learned something. He just didn’t want to.

And besides that, how many new tricks can a dog learn, anyway? Once he has fetching, rolling over, sitting, and flushing his own toilet mastered, what else is there? Maybe old dogs come to the point where they figure learning more tricks won’t get them any more food, so why bother?

For Amusement Parks?

Yes. Definitely, yes! Face it, feel as young as you like, but if you’re pushing 50, riding the Screaming Dropa-Whirla-Shaker will kill you! Let the teenagers eat their hot dogs and ice cream and go up and down, round and round, and loopty-loop. You still have to drive.

So, if you regularly watch the evening news, drive a mini-van, remember when television stations went off the air at night, or prayed in school, stay away from any ride that comes equipped with barf bags (see picture).

For Love?

Are you kidding? Love happens at all ages. There’s hope for everyone, no matter how old, wrinkly, or toothless. You can even be as ugly as a warthog and still find love. Of course, it helps if you have at least one of the following: a little of self confidence, or a lot of money. No problem.

For Blogging?

Absolutely not! As a matter of fact, let me introduce you to Rev. Ken Welford. He is the latest contributor to my other blog, Proverbial Thought. He just made his first post, and he is in his 80′s!

Ken, currently ministering in the UK, was a Baptist pastor (retired) from 1956-1978. He also did work for The Far Eastern Broadcasting Association in places like Papua New Guinea, India, and Singapore. Now, he’s in the blogosphere reaching everywhere! You go, Ken!

For Faith?

Never! Abraham was 75-years-young when he left his homeland to follow the leading of God (Gen. 12:4). Moses was 80 when he did a face-off with Pharaoh (Ex. 7:7). Even late in life, they believed the Lord and trusted his guiding hand. What’s our excuse?

Don’t leave ministry to the young. Don’t think getting older means retiring from your faith. Take a cue from Caleb: at 85 he still had a mountain to conquer (Josh. 14:10). A few aches and pains wasn’t keeping him from his reward!

Any more Calebs out there? You’re never too old, you know.

What else are you never too old for?

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May 14, 2012

Monday Monkey “Monkey Plays Piano” Episode 23

Monkeying with Tunes

Whether driving down the road, or sitting around the house, Mr. Monkey is always ready to break out into song.

And Mr. Monkey can play the piano! Who knew? When my daughter, Katie, sat down to the Yamaha grand at my mother’s house, he had to play along (Hear that, Yamaha people? My bass and acoustic are Yamaha, also. Do you sponsor monkeys?).

Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. – Psalm 98:4 KJV

 “Monkey Plays Piano”

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May 13, 2012

Happy Mother’s Day ;-)

It’s Here

If you are one of the unlucky, unfortunate, or predestined to be elected to forget Mother’s Day, I’m sorry. Either by choice or design, you should have marked your calendar and set an alarm.

However, if you forgot, there may be hope (if you are a subscriber to this blog and read your email). Because this is being posted so early in the morning, you should have time to do some stuff before you see your mother (or your children’s mother), either at church, dinner, the nursing home, Wal-Mart, or place of incarceration.

A few last-minute suggestions…

  1. Get up right now, put down your smart phone, or stand up from your computer, and make her (your mother/wife) breakfast. You may even have time to brush your teeth before you say, “Good morning!” Or….
  2. Quickly sneak out of the house and drive to your nearest 24-hour gas station (that’s petrol, for you Brits). There you should locate a fine selection of plastic-wrapped silk roses (to keep them fresh), Doritos, lottery tickets, “genuine” lead crystal figurines, and NASCAR air fresheners. Or….
  3. Draw a hand-made card in an attempt to appear sweet and child-like to cover the fact you forgot to buy one. Then, when you give it to her, create a story about how you “can’t wait till she gets her surprise.” That will give you time to figure out where you are going to take her to eat, and how much you want to spend. OR….
  4. Learn the following song that I wrote just for mothers. She will love it. “Mother’s Day” 

But Seriously

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised (Prov. 31:30 ESV). May all mothers strive to fit that description.

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May 11, 2012

American-Made Idol

Ten Commandments

When I first came to pastor Riverside, one of the first series of sermons I preached was on the ten commandments. Believe it or not, I had a really cool pair of fake stone tablets, and each week I would bring them in with a new commandment “engraved” upon them.

I took great care to make those “stone” tablets look as realistic as possible. That makes me think: how heavy were the real ones?  I mean, they must have weighed at least fifty pounds each! And can you imagine carrying those things down a mountain? I guess that’s what tending sheep for forty years in the wilderness can do for ya’.

No Idols

God told Moses, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). He went on to say that he should not make any images to worship or bow down to (20:4). Yet, what did Moses find when he came down and saw the children of Israel partying (Exodus 32)? A golden calf. A graven image. An idol.

So, in order to have a visual for the sermon, I made an idol. No, it wasn’t made of gold, but it’s amazing what a little tin foil, coat hangers, spray paint, and insulation foam can do. I made my own golden calf (except it looked more like a chihuahua).

When I uncovered the “golden calf” that Sunday morning, one could sense a feeling of uneasiness. “It’s fake,” I told the congregation, “so don’t feel too nervous.” In a few moments everything was fine, and the message went well.

But later that night…

The Golden “Chihuahua”

Sunday evening after church we were at home getting ready for bed, when my wife asked a question. “What are you going to do with that idol?” she said with a serious voice. “I don’t know, probably put it on a shelf in the garage.”

“Oh, no you won’t!” she replied. “You are NOT keeping that thing in the house. You either take it back to the church, or destroy it…I don’t care…just get it out of the house.”

What? Didn’t she realize how long I worked on that silly thing? Didn’t she appreciate my artistic ability, my ingenuity, my imagination? What was wrong with keeping my idol? I made it.

Conviction

Isn’t it amazing how at the turn of a moment God can get our attention? We make idols every day out of the cheapest of material. Forget the gold, we worship stuff of even less value. Our idols are nothing like the ones in the Bible, not made of solid gold, but we put them before God, nevertheless.

I was convicted. God used my wife to make a point. If I couldn’t destroy a fake idol, cheap as it was, what made me think I could do away with other idols? Real idols? The gods (little “g”) that demand my time, my attention, my worship?

Only a picture remains.

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May 10, 2012

Application To Date My Daughter

Reblogged from Jessie Jeanine:

Click to visit the original post

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, JOB HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________________________ HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT__________________ IQ__________  GPA__________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY #__________________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_________________ HOME ADDRESS_____________________________ CITY/STATE___________  ZIP___________________

Do you have parents?  

Read more… 1,288 more words

As a father, I totally loved this post from Jessie Jeanine. If only more parents would take dating this seriously. Men, our daughters are gifts from God. We should be their mentors and protectors, their examples of what men should be. The last things we should be are accomplices to disrespect, abuse, pre-marital sex, heartache, regret, and the furtherance of teenage stupidity. Print off the application in this post and USE IT! Your daughter will thank you, later.....maybe much later, but later.

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May 9, 2012

Needing Inspiration

Too Much

Over the last few weeks I have had so much on my plate. If you could picture a platter, one with food falling off the side and onto the floor, that’s my life. There’s just a little too much going on.

Well, it might be more of a case of poor prioritizing. When I read of some of the greats of the past, I am ashamed at how little I have accomplished in my 40+ years. Maybe my plate is too full because poorly stacked chicken salad sandwiches take up more space.

Too Much Input

Then, there is the fact that over the last few weeks I have spent hours upon hours studying for a paper I was writing. The volume of material through which I waded nearly caused my little brain to short circuit. On top of that, I preached and wrote posts for ProverbialThought.com. Too much to absorb.

On a side note, I returned 14 books to the library, today. All of them were late, and at 25 cents a day it cost me $33.50!

Where to find Inspiration?

So, with my brain fried, I knew I needed to write, but I couldn’t think of any ideas. I needed inspiration. That’s when I turned to the best place to find conversation starters – the news.

Yes, when all else fails, and you can’t think of anything worth blowing your top over, check out the news channels, the local paper, or whatever. That’s what I did! Boy, did I find a winner!

Pilot Error

I came across the story of an Air Force pilot who crashed his F-22. His plane quit providing him air to breath, so he passed out and crashed. Simple? No. The Air Force blamed him for being distracted. No joke!

Capt. Jeff Haney was flying the Air Force’s next-generation stealth F-22 Raptor on a routine training mission in Alaska in November 2010 when a sudden malfunction cut off his oxygen completely. Capt. Haney never made a distress call but took his plane into a dive and, a little over a minute later, crashed into the winter wilderness at faster than the speed of sound.

After a lengthy investigation, an Air Force Accident Investigation Board could not find the cause of the malfunction but determined “by clear and convincing evidence” that in addition to other factors, Haney was to blame for the crash because he was too distracted by his inability to breathe to fly the plane properly [emphasis added].

Can you believe that? Seriously? I would have been a little distracted too, I guess. “Hey, uh, don’t bother me with all those details, folks, I have a little problem I’m dealing with…. I CAN’T BREATH!”

That was all the inspiration I needed.

Give Me Air

This is air I breath
This is air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

And I … I’m desparate for you
And I … I’m lost without you

- Mercy Me

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May 7, 2012

Monday Monkey “At the Zoo” (Episode 22)

Multi-tasking

I am not a great multi-tasker. Once, in an emergency, I was forced to answer a phone, while cleaning house and preparing lunch for a small child – at the same time! Do you realize how difficult that is? I ended up in the hospital!

On the other hand, I do drive a school bus, which requires me to do a great many things at once.

  • Drive a 33,000 lb. vehicle
  • Yell
  • Communicate on a 2-way radio
  • Wipe perspiration (sweat) from my eyes
  • Watch 20 crumb-crunchers in a rear-view mirror doing everything they can to distract me from my primary job (see first thing on list)
  • Tell multiple stories to kindergartners, both true and fictional, but especially fictional (about aliens from outer space taking over the bodies of teenage girls)

Making Videos

I guess making Monday Monkey videos require a little multi-tasking, too.  This week I had so much reading and writing to do that I actually broke a blood vessel in my right eye (no joke). I was so swamped, I didn’t know what to do, but I still had to work.

So, when I had to drive a field trip to the Chattanooga Zoo, I knew it would be the perfect time to take Buddy (Mr. Monkey). Maybe I am better at multi-tasking than I give myself credit. Maybe I am as good as my wife? No, I wouldn’t go that far.

Monkey Talks to Monkeys

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