hospice care | The Recovering Legalist

Sometimes I’m Ashamed

Of my past. Do you have a past? I do. We all do. And I have done many things in my past of which I am ashamed. Some things I did while I was an unbeliever, but others were after I had become a Christian. My past haunts me. Does yours?

Of course, on a positive note, one’s past can prove beneficial when rearing children. For example, my children are not totally sure if I was a secret agent, a hired gun, or a former special ops helicopter pilot who had his license taken away for excessively brutal conduct. They will never know for sure, either. The “not knowing” helps keep boyfriends away.

Of my accomplishments (or lack of). Have you ever stopped to compare yourself to others? Bad idea. There are always going to be people who can do what you do a lot better than you ever could – some before they even start elementary school.

I am a preacher, a pastor, an aspiring writer, etc. I am also 44 years old. Have you ever looked at what preachers of yesteryear were able to accomplish by my age? Don’t even start with Jonathan Edwards, Wesley, or even Billy Graham. I have been faithful, but I have little by way of accomplishments to show for it. For crying out loud, I haven’t even written one book!

Of my education. At 44 years of age I am working on my Master of Ministry degree. Guys younger than me are teaching in the seminary, for Pete’s sake! By the time I receive a doctorate, I will need full-time hospice care.

What could I have done if only I had gone to school earlier instead of working, getting married, learning about life, having beautiful children, or experiencing God’s grace? I mean, I could have been a pastor at age 20! Now that would have been shameful.

Of my lack of discipline. There are some people who wake up two hours early in order to pray. If I tried that, I’d have to be on my knees at 3 a.m.! I rarely even get to sleep until after 11 p.m.!

There are some who read at least one book a week. There are others who do all this and run, ride bikes, climb tall mountains, hunt mountain lions, and keep a spotless house. I hate them.

Seriously, I am ashamed at my lack of discipline. As a pastor, a pillar of society, I should be an example of what a disciplined person should look like. But I’m not. I struggle for every minute of sleep I can get. Sad, isn’t it?

Of my appearance. If I had the previously mentioned discipline, the kind that says, “Hey, I have a long day ahead of me, so how ’bout we go run 5 miles before breakfast,” I would be a stud. Before long I would look like a Green Beret, or Joel Osteen (with less perfect teeth). Instead, I look more like a tall Danny DeVito who has a thing for monkeys.

Yes, I can be ashamed of a lot…

But Never of the Gospel

I thank God for being able to use a weak, inadequate, undisciplined, uneducated, unattractive fool. As a matter of fact, it is only because of the gospel that I can accept my shortcomings, putting everything behind me, and look forward to what lies ahead.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek. – Romans 1:16

Only through someone who admits his shortcomings can Christ bring glory unto the Father. If I had it all together I might take all the credit, but I can’t. If there is anything good in me, it is because of Jesus (Rom 7:18; 2 Cor 3:5).

One last thing. Many times I am tempted to feel ashamed of myself. Nevertheless, even with my lack of accomplishments, etc., I know that God is not ashamed of me. And if He is not ashamed of me, then maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I just need to keep walking and looking ahead, hoping for the day when I will be home.

But now they desire a better [country], that is, an heavenly: wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city. – Hebrews 11:16