As I begin to write this, I am looking up to where it says, “Add title.” But I’m not sure what it should be. I am going to have to wait till I write a little more, I guess.
Two things have brought me back to the old keyboard: my new friend’s question and my questioning of what’s next.
My New Friend’s Question
If you read my last post, you’ll know who I’m talking about. There’s a sharp young man where I work with whom I’ve had some conversations. It was he who, while standing beside me in the “micro market,” asked, “Are you OK?”
Now, it doesn’t happen very often, as you probably well know – someone actually asking if you’re OK. I mean, it’s totally common to have people casually ask how you’re doing and not really expect an honest answer. And they shouldn’t expect it, either.
You and I do the same thing, don’t we? In passing, like an amplified “hello,” we ask, “How’re you?” without really wanting to receive a detailed response. All we expect is an obligatory, “I’m fine, how are you?” To which we always intend to say, “Fine.”
But this morning was a little different. My new friend asked if I was OK. He actually wanted to know! How strange! In a place with 5,000 people on any given day just trying to make it through their shift, here you have a guy who actually cared! So how did I respond?
Well, I don’t remember my exact words (his were more memorable), but I said something like, “I’m not that great.”
That’s when he told me he had noticed my lack of on-line activity (writing here, that is). So, here I am.
Questioning What’s Next
That brings me to the second of the two reasons I am writing this: I don’t know what’s next!
Here’s the thing, folks… I’m worn out. I’m tired. Primarily physically, but also emotionally. Everything from my new job (the main reason) to uncontrollable events, all have drained me so much that I have nothing to squeeze out. It’s literally taking reserve energy to type this.
If you want to know how bad things are, consider this: I am probably (90% sure) going to back away from the whole watch thing. Why? Well, for several reasons:
- I’m too tired to make videos. It would help to have a dedicated, undisturbed studio, but I don’t, and everything has to be set up fresh each time I record. Then comes all the editing.
- It takes time and money, neither of which I have much extra.
- Even though I enjoy new watches, my last new one sucked the wind out of my sails when it exposed that I really didn’t want what I thought I wanted as the ultimate watch.
- The economic suffering my friends in Pakistan are enduring made thinking of a luxury watch feel sickening.
So, if not watches, what? Back to painting? I wish – and hope! But again, with no dedicated place to set things up and leave them, it takes too much energy out of me to even get started.
And then there’s that whole “energy” thing. Did I mention that I worn out, tired, exhausted?
I don’t even want to study, which is the most tragic thing of all. Even though I have the opportunity to schedule speaking engagements, the thought of picking up a phone tires me, not to mention the mental fatigue that accompanies preparation.
Lastly, because this is already too long, I’m spiritually drained and feel like I can’t refill. My faith is under attack from several fronts and the battles are taking their toll. I’m not losing my faith, per say, but I do find myself wondering if I’m fighting the right battles.
If I could get more sleep, I would. But that’s a subject of its own.
But I’ll tell you this, at least some dadgum Volkswagen Atlas SUVs are getting built!
The Recovering Legalist 
Anthony, I will continue to pray for you, brother in Christ. As I read your post, I thought about Job and the things he endured. He didn’t know that a conversation had gone on between God and Satan, but all he could do is trust God as he endured. Likewise, when we encounter these rough seasons in life, all we can do is trust God. I was led to share the specific scriptures below with you:
Psalm 126:5
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
Joshua 1:8-9
8 This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
I Corinthians 15:57-58
57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
Psalm 27:11-14
11 Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
John 15:7-9
7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.
8 Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.
9 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
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Thank you. Much appreciated and received.
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You are welcome! God is with you.
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This is definitely a feeling that is going around. We have dealt with a summer of division in our congregation, thankfully with good conclusions so far. I have been working with several young men ready to give up on church because of all the visible hypocrisy and apparent greed (with me showing the difference between the True Church and many so-called Christians as well as Scripture’s call to love and build up the church even when she is the worst.)
That is to say, you are not alone. Most of us go through these seasons. I have been having bouts of inadequacy, myself, even amidst opportunities to help others.
So keep writing. It shows you’re hanging in there. If you don’t feel like writing, know I’m one of those willing to take a phone call.
You don’t got this. 🙃😉 But I know you trust in the One who does.🙂✝️
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Anthony, I have just found your blog. I am someone who thought she was saved at 20 (now in my 50’s), but who realizes she is lost. I am also legalistic (transactional) with lots of strongholds- one being unbelief. I would very much like to REST in a real relationship with God, but am having trouble believing Him that I am personally forgiven and loved by Him. Any recommendations on how to believe God in a real and personal relationship with Him? Thank you for this blog. I have just found it today and plan on going through it.
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Hey, I’m sorry for taking so long to respond. I’ve been either at work or busy otherwise. But, I’d love to know more. To begin with, what brought you to the conclusion you are lost?
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Sure. Do you have an email address I may respond to?
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Pastoracbaker@yahoo.com
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