How to Know if You Should Not Go Back to Your Church

The Hissy Fit

Back in 2013 a pastor had a “hissy fit” during the Sunday morning service. I don’t know how to define “hissy fit,” but when you see one, you know it.

You can do a search of my blog posts by typing “hissy fit” in where you see the little magnifying glass. That will take you to the post I wrote addressing the abusive rant made by a pastor, Dr. Jim Standridge. I don’t want to make it easy on you by simply leaving a link because if you really want to find out about it, you’ll look for it. Otherwise, I don’t want to add fuel to a fire that has already simmered.

But it was the sermon by Dr. Standridge that I remembered while doing a sermon/teaching series at our church and online on Discord (FaithChatt).

Emotional Abuse

Before I go any further, if you do watch the sermon by Dr. Standridge, understand that there are some out there that applauded what he did. I, for one, think what he said was shameful, reprehensible, and illegal, to be honest.

Yet, this sermon provided context for understanding how there are not only different denominations, but different pastors and congregations within those different denominations. And no matter what the label, if the environment is abusive, one should leave – now.

But Anthony, how do I know if my pastor or my church is abusive? I’m glad you asked.

In one quick google search I found multiple lists of warning signs and red flags one can look out for when abuse is suspected. One of those lists was provided by Safehouse.org. That list (which I will share) does not specifically address religious institutions, but it might as well. The similarities are obvious.

So, if you notice any of the following signs of emotional abuse in your church, LEAVE! Don’t go back. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t try to reason with your pastor or leadership, just WALK AWAY!

5 Signs of Emotional Abuse

They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You (in the following ways)
- Put you down in front of others
- Humiliate you or embarrass you
- Use sarcasm or “teasing” or “jokes” to make you feel badly about yourself.
- They always have an opinion about what you say, do, or think
- Upset if/when you don’t agree (e.g., how you dress, how you spend your money, who you spend time with, what you are interested in)
They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy
They are Possessive and/or Controlling
- The abuser may try to restrict your behavior through unreasonable jealousy such as
  - Monitoring your actions
  - Constantly calling or texting when you are not around
  - Getting upset when you want to spend time by yourself or with family or friends alone
  - isolating you from other people in your life and/or activities you enjoy or work
  - Demanding access to your phone, email, or social media accounts
They are Manipulative
- Withdrawing affection when you’ve done something “wrong”
- Ignoring or excluding you
- Guilt trips
- Making you doubt yourself
- Denying something you know is true
They Often Dismiss Your Feelings