Cold As Hell

Welcome Winter

If you live in other parts of the country or the world, you may not understand the mind of a Southerner. On the other hand, there’s probably no “may” to it.

Sweet tea in Mason jars. It’s a Southern thing.

You don’t understand why we like sweet tea, grits, cornbread, fried okra (if it’s done correctly), banjos, guns, God, and an occasional jab at the North (those *@!% Yankees). But that’s OK, we love you, anyway, as our typical hospitality demonstrates.

But when it comes to winter… You guys up north REALLY don’t get us. Seriously. Anytime we get excited about snow, you talk about how much you can’t stand it. You even make fun of how we shut down our lives when no more than a quarter of an inch falls on the streets.

You really, really don’t understand.

So, when yesterday morning was the coldest day of the year so far, and when this morning’s temps were all the way down in the high 20’s here in Chattanooga, you folk not from here don’t understand how a guy like me could be giddy over being able to break out a fleece-lined flannel shirt in order to go outside and see my breath as I walked over crunchy, frost-covered fallen leaves.

You see, it’s like this: When you’re accustomed to frying in high heat and swimming in humidity, actually experiencing cold weather in winter is refreshing. And, yes, we are dreaming (and hoping, praying, etc.) for a white Christmas.

Any Cold Is Bad

However, there are some Southerners who hate any kind of cold. Many of them are the poor and elderly who don’t have the ability to fight off the low temperatures. They suffer during this time.

But then there are others who moved to the South to escape the cold winters of the north; they feel betrayed when it gets cold down here.

Finally, there are those who can’t be happy no matter what. They want to complain about anything and everything, hot or cold. As a matter of fact, more often than not it’s that type of people you will hear repeat a familiar descriptor about the weather:

“It’s cold as hell outside!” 

Describing Hell

“Hell” is a word that is used in describing a whole host of things (or, a whole heck of a lot of things… see what I did there?). Things are big as, hot as, loud as, messed up as, weird as, and sorry as hell. But on what do they base their adjectives? How much do they really know about Hell in order to draw a similarity that makes any sense?

I mean, if I was to say, “That ant is as tiny as Mt. Everest,” would that even compute? No, because Mt. Everest isn’t tiny.

Then why say something is as cold as hell? I mean, we know from the Bible that Hell is hot, but how hot exactly is up for debate; therefor describing something as “hot as hell” is within the realm of possibility, at least.

But “cold as“? Really?

On the other hand, Hell is described as a place where the residents will, despite the wailing masses crying out for a single drop of water, be completely and utterly alone. They will reside in a place without love, without compassion, without the gentle touch of a caring hand, without a single, solitary voice ever saying, not even once in a billion years, “It will be OK.”

Does that make you shiver thinking about it? It does me.

Maybe Hell is “cold” after all. 

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19 Comments

Filed under America, General Observations, places, Weather

19 responses to “Cold As Hell

  1. This is good Anthony. Reminds me of the time an atheist tried to make a scientific case that, if either existed, Heaven is actually hotter than Hell.

    BTW, I live in Louisiana and feel like I am going to die if the temp drops below 50. Hate the cold.

  2. hawk2017

    Reblogged this on Logos Speaks.

  3. hawk2017

    Wipes brow or Brrr.:))

  4. The Eclectic Contrarian

    I’ve actually got to handling cold better than the heat. After our fiery summer I embrace the chill!

  5. Well as your neighbor to the west and to the north of the other commenters I also don’t much like the cold. Seven winters in Wyoming broke me. Awesome Biblical lesson here also

  6. I don’t understand most of the “hell” phrases I guess.
    However I am an “Up North” wilderness camping guy and it does get mighty cold up here (-38 is my coldest camping experience). My winter camping rule #1: Never get cold! (most other rules apply to rule #1.
    Anthony, I think you would like camping in 2 feet of snow under the stars in the wilderness, miles from the nearest cabin. You would have much to write about..

    • Oh, I would be extra socks for the opportunity to do so. I do believe in Bigfoot, and my bear wrestling skills are out of date (I hear they now prefer BJJ – I’m a “stand up” guy), so I’d have to bring a gun. A big gun.

      • Good news, the bear are hibernating. However, last time out the big (the 200 lb kind) timber wolves were moaning nearby. One’s imagination must be under control. The moving clouds shift the moonlight shadows so the whole woods is moving, icicles gleam like big yellow eyes from the under-brush… One might fall asleep in the sleeping bag while praying.

      • Or, I could just open my living room windows, turn off the heat, put a blanket on the hardwood floor, and watch “Night of the Flea-bitten Werewolf.”

  7. On a serious note, A winter wonderland experience has so many spiritual applications. I don’t blog much but I shall post a couple on my spiritual blog. Thanks for your post.

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