As I begin to write this, I am looking up to where it says, “Add title.” But I’m not sure what it should be. I am going to have to wait till I write a little more, I guess.
Two things have brought me back to the old keyboard: my new friend’s question and my questioning of what’s next.
My New Friend’s Question
If you read my last post, you’ll know who I’m talking about. There’s a sharp young man where I work with whom I’ve had some conversations. It was he who, while standing beside me in the “micro market,” asked, “Are you OK?”
Now, it doesn’t happen very often, as you probably well know – someone actually asking if you’re OK. I mean, it’s totally common to have people casually ask how you’re doing and not really expect an honest answer. And they shouldn’t expect it, either.
You and I do the same thing, don’t we? In passing, like an amplified “hello,” we ask, “How’re you?” without really wanting to receive a detailed response. All we expect is an obligatory, “I’m fine, how are you?” To which we always intend to say, “Fine.”
But this morning was a little different. My new friend asked if I was OK. He actually wanted to know! How strange! In a place with 5,000 people on any given day just trying to make it through their shift, here you have a guy who actually cared! So how did I respond?
Well, I don’t remember my exact words (his were more memorable), but I said something like, “I’m not that great.”
That’s when he told me he had noticed my lack of on-line activity (writing here, that is). So, here I am.
Questioning What’s Next
That brings me to the second of the two reasons I am writing this: I don’t know what’s next!
Here’s the thing, folks… I’m worn out. I’m tired. Primarily physically, but also emotionally. Everything from my new job (the main reason) to uncontrollable events, all have drained me so much that I have nothing to squeeze out. It’s literally taking reserve energy to type this.
If you want to know how bad things are, consider this: I am probably (90% sure) going to back away from the whole watch thing. Why? Well, for several reasons:
- I’m too tired to make videos. It would help to have a dedicated, undisturbed studio, but I don’t, and everything has to be set up fresh each time I record. Then comes all the editing.
- It takes time and money, neither of which I have much extra.
- Even though I enjoy new watches, my last new one sucked the wind out of my sails when it exposed that I really didn’t want what I thought I wanted as the ultimate watch.
- The economic suffering my friends in Pakistan are enduring made thinking of a luxury watch feel sickening.
So, if not watches, what? Back to painting? I wish – and hope! But again, with no dedicated place to set things up and leave them, it takes too much energy out of me to even get started.
And then there’s that whole “energy” thing. Did I mention that I worn out, tired, exhausted?
I don’t even want to study, which is the most tragic thing of all. Even though I have the opportunity to schedule speaking engagements, the thought of picking up a phone tires me, not to mention the mental fatigue that accompanies preparation.
Lastly, because this is already too long, I’m spiritually drained and feel like I can’t refill. My faith is under attack from several fronts and the battles are taking their toll. I’m not losing my faith, per say, but I do find myself wondering if I’m fighting the right battles.
If I could get more sleep, I would. But that’s a subject of its own.
But I’ll tell you this, at least some dadgum Volkswagen Atlas SUVs are getting built!
The Recovering Legalist 