I “_____” Weddings

“_____”?

I know what you must be thinking (I am a mind reader, you know; you have to be to survive around women), “what does ‘_____’ stand for?”

Do I really have to say? I mean, come on, I am a preacher, a pastor, a man of the cloth…I am supposed to be all about weddings, right? Right? If nothing else, it’s a good way to make a quick buck, right? Right?

Oh, you have no idea…no idea…

A Symbol

Don’t misunderstand, I love what weddings are all about. I believe in weddings. As a matter of fact, God loves weddings so much He uses them to describe the ultimate coming together of the Body of believers (the Bride) and His Son, Jesus Christ (John 3:29).

God loves and promotes marriage, even to the point where He says that He “hates divorce.”

“For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.” – Malachi 2:16 NKJV

God hates divorce because, just as marriage symbolizes His love for us, divorce symbolizes unfaithfulness. He said, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). So, don’t get me wrong – I totally LOVE marriage.

A Serious Pain

What I DON’T LOVE are all the practical realities of wedding ceremonies. The logistics. The non-logistics. You name it.

Have you ever noticed mothers and fathers crying when their children get married? It is not because they are losing/gaining children; it’s because they are relieved the nightmare is over! (My wife just said, “OH, Anthony!“)

Here, let me just provide you with a simple, ten-point list of things that irritate me, then you might better understand why I “_____” weddings.

  1. 4,937 peasants could be fed for two months and 4 days for what one wedding cake can cost.
  2. No matter how much pre-marital counseling I do, I know everything I say is going in one ear and out the other.
  3. There are always people who “have reason why these two should not be married,” but they are too cowardly to stand up and say something.
  4. Family members are just as likely to kill each other over the color of mints as the number of ruffles on a wedding gown.
  5. Wedding cake tastes like lard.
  6. Everybody always gets new clothes – except the preacher.
  7. Brides-to-be and their mothers are pickier than Eric Clapton on speed (Old Age Alert: Eric Clapton is an actual musician who plays a real guitar, not one attached to a game console).
  8. Shotguns are not allowed anymore.
  9. Daughters force their parents to watch episode after episode of Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. (Did I mention I have a daughter getting married?)
  10. If I mess up the vows, then I am responsible for ruining the lives of females who never forgive.

I “Like” Weddings

Is “like” the best word? It’s not what best describes my feelings, but I guess it will have to do. But may I suggest a few things that would help me “love” weddings more?

  1. Elvis actually showing up to say, “I did not look like that, thangya very much.”
  2. Grilled steak instead of cake (Dr. Atkins would be proud).
  3. No dancing. Period. None. People that don’t know how to dance should just sit in a chair and eat steak.
  4. Bags of money, instead of rice or bubble makers (Cleaning up would be much easier).
  5. A simple promise that the bride and groom will take their vows as seriously as their choice of cake toppers.

Seriously

Seriously, if you are getting married, God bless you! May your union be filled not only with love, but also the commitment it takes to show that love to each other throughout the years to come.

And if at all possible, I prefer my steak a nice, pink medium. I do.

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6 Comments

Filed under Defending Traditional Marriage, Food, Humor, ministry, Relationships and Family

6 responses to “I “_____” Weddings

  1. jomaidment

    I loved this so much I have re-tweeted and FB’d it. You make very valid points. My husband and I got married earlier this year and at times it was extremely stressful, not because of location, money or anything else but believe it or not, it was would my father turn up and could my chief bridesmaid still be bridesmaid – she had got pregnant and was due 3 months before the wedding. The answer is yes and no. Our solution back up plans for the plans we had in place. Yes we had a back up plan in case my father did not turn up. However unlike you we did get the preacher into a new suit, normally my husbands father we banned him from wearing his clergy clothes and got him into a full dinner suit he looked well dapper. Because we were paying for this ourselves we had a limited budget so we made the invitations, the RSVPS and the wedding information booklet ourselves along with the cake and muffins for the day. To the point that the day before the wedding I was still icing the cake. Because the day was personal and planned over 2 years it was relatively stress free and we could enjoy the build up and the day itself which transcended into everyone else being relaxed and being able to do so too.

  2. This was great! My husband and I just celebrated our 26th anniversary last week, so of course I scanned pics of our wedding for my facebook cover and profile pic. I was 19 when we got married (he was way older at 22!) and not knowing what it took to plan a large dinner party, much less a wedding, we decided to make sure my active duty Army brother would still be in the states, and gave ourselves 6 weeks to plan the whole thing. I didn’t understand my mom’s panic. After all, we had a beautiful wedding with family and friends, my dad married us (in a new suit) and we had just cake with nuts and mints in the nice big room in the lower level of our church. No, not a basement.

    I do worry about the wedding trends today. The couple is pushed to think that everything in the wedding and reception is representative of how much they love each other. This is supposed to be “the most important day” of the bride’s life. If you go for a small diamond on the ring, you only love her a little bit. If your dinner isn’t grand enough, your love isn’t grand either. If you don’t have the reception hall decked out with lights and flowers and elegance, how can you expect people to believe your hearts are really devoted to each other? it’s a trap, but no one knows how to make the craziness stop.

    Especially when looking at wedding gowns is so much stinkin’ fun!

  3. Anonymous

    I want you to know that they young couple that you preformed their wedding ceremony at the last minute (Grant’s brother and wife, who have been married 5 years today) are still married and have stated many times how much they appreciate you stepping in at the last minute to help them make their dream come true, even though you really didn’t (at that time) like doing weddings. You managed to do the counseling and get them married in a weeks time since their original pastor had to bow out at the last minute due to a family emergency. Grant’s sister and her husband that you counseled are also still married and happily so in California at this time and will be married 5 years next month. So as of right now you are 2 for 2 in my family..

  4. Pingback: Hear My Cry Oh Lord by Olayemi Eric Ogunbase | Prayer Works Cafe

  5. I recently got married in the July 2012. My family was very happy and they like my wife too much . I was astonished by my Inlaws , they were happy to say last bye to their daughter . For me I love wedding and it is special part of life , two people are made for each other . My wedding was special and it is memorable part of my life. Me and my wife stacy are happily living together.

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